Your GF says she want to breakup: what’s your reaction?

[Divorced w 3]

LTR stands for clown marriage. It was inconsequential in the first place.

I agree

You either commit fully or you get what you end up getting.

 

[DJ Novice]

Once they lose desire for you, or you lose desire for them, it’s over.

You may be able to salvage the relationship and keep it on life support for a while but it will never be the same again.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

Once they lose desire for you, or you lose desire for them, it’s over.

You may be able to salvage the relationship and keep it on life support for a while but it will never be the same again.

Many times this is the case but it also depends what the actual issues were.

If it's something that gets resolved later on down the line (ie, something preventing things from moving forward), then it's absolutely able to come back from and in some cases build something even stronger.

The key is to not look at it as "trying to fix" what happened in the past. That relationship is dead and gone. You can't fix it, by definition it was broken to the point it caused you to breakup.

What you can do is build something new that's stronger and more functional as long as things have actually changed that were holding the relationship hostage in some ways.

 

[Bingo-Player]

To me it would be like a hall pass because I could get back on the market and start having sex with random women again which is always great fun

its a lot more stimulating for men to be chasing new pu$$y as compared to going through the motions at the 3 year stage with a partner IDGAF what anyone says

Girlfriends are good on the companionship level as long spells alone are not good and if you're useless with women you probably can't afford to lose a girlfriend

But other than that If you're not bothered 9/10 women will always circle back later

I had an ex chasing me for 2 years after I binned her and we were only together 6 months.

 

[jhonny9546]

Many times this is the case but it also depends what the actual issues were.

If it's something that gets resolved later on down the line (ie, something preventing things from moving forward), then it's absolutely able to come back from and in some cases build something even stronger.

The key is to not look at it as "trying to fix" what happened in the past. That relationship is dead and gone. You can't fix it, by definition it was broken to the point it caused you to breakup.

What you can do is build something new that's stronger and more functional as long as things have actually changed that were holding the relationship hostage in some ways.

This is very interesting because it's what most couples do.
They'll say, "We did it for the kids," or "It was hard, but we're stronger now."


For example : If it's something that gets resolved later on down the line (ie, something preventing things from moving forward), then it's absolutely able to come back from and in some cases build something even stronger.

A couple who is close to breakup because He don't want a third child, but after some time He is convinced to do make her pregnant, baby is born, now they're happier, and stronger

What you can do is build something new that's stronger and more functional as long as things have actually changed that were holding the relationship hostage in some ways.

How do you distinguish "this is a good thing to breakup our current relationship to build another one with a stronger bond", from "disrespect".
This sounds like "trauma bonding" and it will happen again, and again.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

This is very interesting because it's what most couples do.
They'll say, "We did it for the kids," or "It was hard, but we're stronger now."


For example : If it's something that gets resolved later on down the line (ie, something preventing things from moving forward), then it's absolutely able to come back from and in some cases build something even stronger.

A couple who is close to breakup because He don't want a third child, but after some time He is convinced to do make her pregnant, baby is born, now they're happier, and stronger


How do you distinguish "this is a good thing to breakup our current relationship to build another one with a stronger bond", from "disrespect".
This sounds like "trauma bonding" and it will happen again, and again.

Well, take for instance a situation where someone might be dating for a while and they want to move forward and possibly get married or move in together, but one person is having to care for a sick parent and it's not feasible.

At some point that causes stress in the relationship because the person cannot be "fully present" in a way that is needed for the relationship to progress past a certain point. Eventually no matter how much they love each other or want to be together, that will likely cause issues and probably a break up.

Now, down the line, once that situation resolves, ie, the parent ends up passing away or has to move to a nursing home or assisted living, that blocker no longer exists and there would be a chance to reconcile and progress things if both people are still wanting to do that.

That's nothing to do with "trauma", that simply has to do with real life and being stuck in situations that you are unable to change temporarily.

 

[jhonny9546]

Great example, I have other examples.

LTR1: He doesn't want to commit to having a second child, she starts to become available on social media again, becoming flirtatious with the orbiters, to the point of emotional disconnection, constant arguments and detachment.
But then she gets pregnant, the baby is born, and everything goes back to normal.
In fact, as you say, stronger than before.

LTR2: He doesn't want to commit to marriage, she starts to freak out, snapping at him, threatening to go back to their separate homes.
But then he proposes, and everyone goes back to happily ever after. Everything is the same as before.

LTR3: He doesn't put much effort into the relationship, she cheated on him, but she does everything she can to want him back, and he takes her back. From now on, he'll commit, and they're stronger than before.

I think all this helps us understand the illusion that a woman is "starting over" with this new relationship and that its stronger, but in reality that woman has lost respect for you. You're no longer in a safe place from that first moment.

What do you think?

 

[MatureDJ]

"Are you sure you want to take this path?"

 

[Rainman4707]

I have generally just followed the advice on here and said "ok" and walked away.

 

[Aguirre]

if one doesn't learn from Jerry, he'll end up a Costanza....

 

[Manure Spherian]

How do you react if your LTR comes to you and says she wants to end the relationship because she thinks something's wrong, or that she found someone whos better?

In my case, a relationship that stems from a sense of security:
I'd tell her to think about the investment we've made together over all these years, and that if she's made this decision, there will only be good things for her in the future.
I'd just see her walk away smiling, knowing she might have found someone better than me, and that she'd be happy.

I'm just acknowledging the fact that she doesn't feel anything for me anymore, she doesn't see me as a worthwhile investment anymore, and this is making her resentful and that our relationship is already over for a long time.


What would your reaction be?

Men over 22 years old shouldn’t be sad about women leaving unless they’re wives or mothers of their children. Otherwise what were two adults “investing in”? Nothing.

 

[justaroundthecorner]

How it went for me several years ago (in spite of having knowledge from PUA books):

- I have started fights on purpose to increase drama in relationship (my previous relationship was drama fuelled, my previous GF started fights for this purpose too). It was like tossing canister of gasoline into fire but worked well for some time when there was a chance for reconciliation sex - however each such discussion slowly undermined foundation of relationship (trust) therefore effectiveness of this method slowly eroded into minor effect and no chance for reconcilliation
- I have tried to fix the relationship to the extent that was actually damaging it (I was proposing things that should be proposed by her in order to keep relationship going), I lied to myself that it did not qualify as negotiating attraction - I was wrong - I did exactly that
- relationship got incredibly boring in the end
- at the end I have cried like little bi4tch right after final call when she decided to leave and I felt pathetic and miserable
- took me about 1 year to get myself together - the breakup was the best thing that could happen to me at that point - now I am pretty much grateful that it happened, I have great wife (9 years younger than my former GF, more attractive and traditional/better educated while my former GF wasn't as smart, graduated with less valuable diploma and was ofc a liberal leftie - she was bit crazy and that was only thing that kept me around her in the end (sex was good until it lasted)

Stay away from crazy girls, they are not worth the time you have in your life. Spend it with person that treats you properly.

What you should do if female interest is waiving and the interest level drops near below sexual interest - just leave and don't turn back unless she begs you (in which case you should put a lot of additional terms on her otherwise she will look through your game). Most probably it means the end of the relationship in the next few months - exit before it will damage you on the core level - that's what real man do - if you don't understand it, you will get hurt like most of us probably were at some point after breakup they did not want. That's what women usually do and its smart thing to do.

 

[jhonny9546]

Stay away from crazy girls, they are not worth the time you have in your life. Spend it with person that treats you properly.

It's just that when you're in love, or you're involved with her, you can't see beyond it.
You're hesitant to say to yourself, "I wonder if I'll ever find something better."
In the sense that you think she might be "The Last Good One" left.

Yet, when you take one small step after another, and place yourself in another good environment, you'll find more.
One of these environments, at least for my company (Italy), is the church group.

 

[obelisk]

"OK."

If a woman is actually vocalizing such a thought, then it's already over.

 

[jhonny9546]

"OK."

If a woman is actually vocalizing such a thought, then it's already over.

What does that mean?

 

[obelisk]

How do you react if your LTR comes to you and says she wants to end the relationship because she thinks something's wrong, or that she found someone whos better?

In my case, a relationship that stems from a sense of security:
I'd tell her to think about the investment we've made together over all these years, and that if she's made this decision, there will only be good things for her in the future.
I'd just see her walk away smiling, knowing she might have found someone better than me, and that she'd be happy.

Using a sunk cost fallacy argument (bolded) is hardly empowering. It would be posturing to suggest that most guys wouldn't be affected by such a scenario with a woman they were intentionally and actively dating.

Handle your reaction on your own terms away from her not in front of her. Emotional non-reactivity is the course of the day for this. Hence the "OK" response.

As I said initially, if she is actually vocalizing such thoughts directly (and hence willing to risk her ego against a possibly, negative reaction, since women favor indirect communication), then she has already checked out. Your reactions mean nothing and would only validate her at best.

 

[RoadKing_Rabbit]

"I understand and respect your decision." Any amount of "That's it, huh?" or "REALLY?" should be met with crickets.

If she tries or succeeds in defaming you, let her. Those who readily take up a side without so much as speaking to you don't matter either. Begin happier chapters in your book of life.

 

[Glassguy]

Proper response to any woman who wants to end it, at any age:
Ok cool. I was thinking about ending it as well so I agree. Take care.

Then silence.

 

[zekko]

if one doesn't learn from Jerry, he'll end up a Costanza....

Costanza was presented as a sad sack, but even he dated pretty regularly. Really, most of the characters were on a quick spinning carousel of serial monogamy.

 

[Dash Riprock]

No Problem. Good luck.

This. And then go No Contact.

And don't be a p*ssy about it. Stick to it. Men of value never, EVER, negotiate a breakup, show a lot of emotion, or break no contact. But 99% of men cave and end up looking like needy simps.

Just walk away.