I try to show affection with my actions rather than my words.
Acts of service.... I spent 17 years in that bottomless hellhole because my a combination of my upbringing
and Asperger's make it very difficult for me to do ordinary couple stuff like embrace, touch, whispering sweet
nothings etc. I half killed myself being her manservant trying to make her see how much I loved her.
I did the lot, cooking, cleaning, washing, shopping, keeping our vehicles up together and legal, managing our tenants
and properties, all manner of renovations and upgrades to our houses, was her personal 24hr taxi service too.
I never sought sex, or initiated it in all those years, figured I had to earn the poon rather than have unfettered access
to it because simply put, she was my wife. Besides it's very hard to sell someone a 'product' you have no faith in yourself.
That will be the upbringing then. I was (subconsciously) taught to feel shame of my sexuality and that nobody in their right
mind would want my hands on them anyway. I guess it's why I prefer p0rn to women.
In contrast, after 17 years together she couldn't even make me a coffee the way I like it (two spoons coffee,
1 spoon sugar and heavy on the milk). She seemed to think that being pretty and the sole breadwinner was contributing
enough of her share and that's where it ended. I have to say that since I've not lived in that house it's become a bit of
a filthy mess. I guess being Miss Goldencl1t is too time consuming to run the hoover around from time to time.
Fvck that sh1t! I'm not doing that again. I can't 'do' affection and desire so that was my workaround. Now I just
accept that fact and realise that without these fundamental requirements being met by me in a relationship it
simply won't last so honestly.... Why should I bother? I still cook, clean, wash and all the other stuff. The only positive
is that I'm doing that stuff for me now, not to try and show someone they matter to me.
