narcissist
Master Don Juan
Day 31
"She Made Her Decision Before You Finished Your Sentence"
Three seconds. That's how long it took. Your shoes. Your posture. The way you held your drink. Whether you looked at the floor or looked at her.
She already filed you away. Interesting. Boring. Safe. Bold. Before you even opened your mouth.
Everything you say after that is just her confirming what she already decided.
So stop rehearsing lines. Fix the first three seconds. Stand tall. Look up. Smile like you mean it. Walk like you belong wherever you're standing.
The words come later. The impression comes first.
The *No Contact* Challenge! ( Read this if you just got dumped)
- Thread starter Daydream Engineer
- Start date
"She Wants a Man, Not a Boy"
You asked her if she wanted to grab coffee. Then you asked if the time worked. Then you asked if the place was okay. Then you asked if she'd prefer tea.
Four questions. Four chances for her to say no. Four signals that you're terrified of making a decision.
Plan it. Pick the place. Pick the time. Tell her where to meet you. She'll either show up or she won't.
Either way, you look like a man instead of a scared little boy.
goodbyehorses
Don Juan
This is right. In my case though, I was the one who broke it but feel no onus, except to what I owe to myself.
Day 53.
I was very busy last weeks and hanging up with some girls. But I'm at home with a bad flu now, and thoughts of her are eating me. I don't feel like I'm healing at all. Still 37 days to go for me, I hope I will begin the psychotherapy I asked for in the meantime. But I doubt that I will manage to keep NC after the 90 days if I will feel like now. I'm not saying I would like to hang up with her again but I have this devouring need to express my feelings.
In November there'll be a meeting I will moderate, to which she might come along with some of her friends we now have in common. If she will be there I really don't know how I will manage to stay whole.
narcissist
Master Don Juan
day 40
Stay strong!
mrgoodstuff
Master Don Juan
It happens due to respect.
"She Wants a Man, Not a Boy"
You asked her if she wanted to grab coffee. Then you asked if the time worked. Then you asked if the place was okay. Then you asked if she'd prefer tea.
Four questions. Four chances for her to say no. Four signals that you're terrified of making a decision.
Plan it. Pick the place. Pick the time. Tell her where to meet you. She'll either show up or she won't.
Either way, you look like a man instead of a scared little boy.
Or lack of it.
narcissist
Master Don Juan
Day 52
Four months to the day since I left her.
Had several set backs after nights out with alcohol, so I quit on drinking.
I was walking on the street yesterday when she passed by in her car. I noticed her too late and looked her right into the eyes. Felt like a punch into my stomach. Never had a woman such an emotional impact on me.
Had several set backs after nights out with alcohol, so I quit on drinking.
I was walking on the street yesterday when she passed by in her car. I noticed her too late and looked her right into the eyes. Felt like a punch into my stomach. Never had a woman such an emotional impact on me.
Broke up five days ago. She said she didn’t see the relationship professing. I stated I agreed with her, we’re just just not compatible, no hard feelings. Haven’t seen or heard from her since. Just a little bummed but that’s about it. I DO NOT plan on contacting her whatsoever
7 days of no contact. I’ve been honestly feeling pretty good which confuses me because I thought I’d be a lot more bent outta shape about the whole thing. Truly think I can take this NC for the long haul because I would not get back together with her even if she did reach out to me which I do not think she will, which also helps. Not gonna lie, she is on my mind i’d Say almost constantly but the red flags about her were much more common then the green flags so to speak which make it easier. I do not check her social media but have still remained friends with her on Snapchat/fb/Instagram, basically to put my fortitude to the test.
"You'll Never Feel READY to Walk Over"
Next Monday you'll feel more confident. After the gym you'll feel more confident. After one more drink you'll feel more confident. After you get a better haircut, a better jacket, a better job.
You've been "getting ready" for two years.
She's standing ten feet away right now. She'll be gone in four minutes. No amount of preparation will manufacture the courage that only comes from moving your feet.
Walk over. Stumble through the first sentence. Let it be clumsy. Let it be imperfect. You will feel more alive in those ten seconds than you have all month.
Day 1
this is my first day of the challenge, although i have been in NC since November 7th.
I was dumped by my ex-fiance in August. I got the usual "let's be friends. I don't see us having a future" etc. spill. Of course the real reasons were she no respected me as a man and was ****ing her co-worker but i digress. The utility of our relationship had ran its course. So her love did too.
I realize now how beta I allowed my feelings for her to make me. I completely shattered my frame to fit into her's. I see now how that led to our destruction. I spent so much time trying to make her happy instead of doing what I needed for myself. Never again. My sense of validation was completely based on how we were. Everything else became trivial at best and irrelevant at worse.
I did the typical begging and pleading and bargaining. However i am proud of the changes i have made. I'm working on my appearance... I've never been bad looking but we all could do better am i right? I've changed jobs, gotten back into writing, and moved. Funny... The laundry list of things she said were her reasons have all been checked off... Yet broke up we remain.
I honestly don't want her back at this point. I realize i don't want anything serious. Do i miss her? Of course. I just want to get back over this lingering feeling i have in the back of my mind. This place she still has in my heart. I had an sexy plate in my bed last night. She was with whatever. I sealed the deal; you don't pass up opportunities like that. But I still caught myself wishing it was her.
this is my first day of the challenge, although i have been in NC since November 7th.
I was dumped by my ex-fiance in August. I got the usual "let's be friends. I don't see us having a future" etc. spill. Of course the real reasons were she no respected me as a man and was ****ing her co-worker but i digress. The utility of our relationship had ran its course. So her love did too.
I realize now how beta I allowed my feelings for her to make me. I completely shattered my frame to fit into her's. I see now how that led to our destruction. I spent so much time trying to make her happy instead of doing what I needed for myself. Never again. My sense of validation was completely based on how we were. Everything else became trivial at best and irrelevant at worse.
I did the typical begging and pleading and bargaining. However i am proud of the changes i have made. I'm working on my appearance... I've never been bad looking but we all could do better am i right? I've changed jobs, gotten back into writing, and moved. Funny... The laundry list of things she said were her reasons have all been checked off... Yet broke up we remain.
I honestly don't want her back at this point. I realize i don't want anything serious. Do i miss her? Of course. I just want to get back over this lingering feeling i have in the back of my mind. This place she still has in my heart. I had an sexy plate in my bed last night. She was with whatever. I sealed the deal; you don't pass up opportunities like that. But I still caught myself wishing it was her.
bcude
Master Don Juan
- Joined
- May 31, 2019
- Messages
- 762
- Reaction score
- 1,219
- Age
- 44
Great post and very similar to a story of mine. When the respect is gone, it's over and afterwards you just cringe of your behavior. Your head seem to be at a good place but i can also recommend you to read "no more mr. nice guy" by Robert. A. Glover.
Stay strong and stay in NC and you will get over her sooner rather than later, remember SHE has to put in the work if she wants your attention in any kind of form now, don't give it to her for free. Breaking up has consequences. Your focus should be on you and you only.
Day 11, it is slowly gettin better. I have no urge to contact her whatsoever but I’m just preparing myself hearing through mutual friends that she’s either already dating or hooking up with someone. But I think I’ll be ok. At a stage where it’s really easy to remember the good times even though from an objective point of view, she didn’t treat me like anything special.
"She's Out of Your League"
You've said it a hundred times. Maybe a thousand. And every time you say it, you train your brain to freeze the next time she walks into the room.
Leagues are a myth invented by guys who are scared of women.
She's a person. She has bad breath in the morning. She picks songs she can't sing in the shower. She overthinks her own texts.
Walk over. Say something. The league dissolves the second you open your mouth.
If she was cheating on you with a coworker, you dodged a bullet. Better it happened now before the marriage than after and her not only cheat but take half your assets too
DAY 15. It’s starting to hit a little harder now that I’m past two weeks. Still have zero urge to contact her. I’m absolutely desperate to get over her. It just comes in waves where at one point I’m happy and content and feel fine that it’s over but the next second I’m missing her. Thinking about taking a break from even looking at social media in general. It just sucks that she’s legit constantly in my head. I feel like an addict lmao. Just want it to pass
bcude
Master Don Juan
- Joined
- May 31, 2019
- Messages
- 762
- Reaction score
- 1,219
- Age
- 44
Time, space and other women (when you feel like it) will get her out of your head.
It also helps to write down things that annoyed you about her, reasons that led to the breakup, all the negative stuff. Write it down and look at it whenever you become "soft" and romanticize her in your head, it will keep you straight. Nothing good comes out of social media unfortunately, but i understand the curiousity. Addiction, that's exactly what it is. That's why we advise you have to treat it as such and stay off the drug in any way or form.
Don't miss the opportunitity to learn something from the breakup though, learn but don't wallow in micro analysing everything. You have a golden opportunity here to use the motivation of pain to become better, it's a blessing in disguise.
@Mike41090. Having been here about 2.5 years ago, at the time, I was a mess. Completely distracted, losing weight, drinking more that I should have and thoughts popping into my head out of nowhere. Thankfully, I'm not a drug user except for occasional weed.
Chances are better than not that a strong urge to contact her WILL hit you. It didn't really hit me hard until about about 5 weeks in and I didn't feel fully myself for a few months. Up until 2-3 weeks, it was more: oh well. I actually installed a text ap that allowed you to set a delay time after the send button was pressed. I set it at 30 seconds and I can't tell you how many times that saved me from making a huge mistake. It was amazing to me how my head magically cleared after pressing that send button and having the 30 seconds to press the "X" ....
Priceless!
I can't stress the solid advice on here to not torture/tempt yourself by browsing social media. For me, doing so seemed to keep things alive instead of letting them slowly wither away as they should. She will be with another guy, just like you will eventually be with another girl. You knowing it will not change it, it will just slow the process. Don't be ashamed of taking time to mourn and strive to redirect the pain towards making yourself so awesome that she will be the one eventually regretting/living the past.
Something else that works for me:
I pick music in a new Genre and force myself to listen for a week, even if I hate it the whole time (I use Pandora). It not only prevents a memory inducing tune from entering your ears, but also opens your mind to new things. Being a lover of classic/modern rock and some post punk, I would never have thought that Roots Reggae and Country would ever appeal to me. On the other hand, if I never hear another Black Metal song, that is more than fine with me. An unexpected bonus to this was that I also found that an eclectic taste in music also helps to open up doors with more women since it not only helps me stand out, but offers more opportunity in conversation.
In the not too distant future, when this has passed, you will probably come back to this thread and see others with a current similar situation. The thought in your head will probably be similar to mine: "I can't believe that this was me on here" and then thank my lucky stars that this place exists. There is a treasure trove of solid info on here. Listen and stay the course.
Chances are better than not that a strong urge to contact her WILL hit you. It didn't really hit me hard until about about 5 weeks in and I didn't feel fully myself for a few months. Up until 2-3 weeks, it was more: oh well. I actually installed a text ap that allowed you to set a delay time after the send button was pressed. I set it at 30 seconds and I can't tell you how many times that saved me from making a huge mistake. It was amazing to me how my head magically cleared after pressing that send button and having the 30 seconds to press the "X" ....
Priceless!
I can't stress the solid advice on here to not torture/tempt yourself by browsing social media. For me, doing so seemed to keep things alive instead of letting them slowly wither away as they should. She will be with another guy, just like you will eventually be with another girl. You knowing it will not change it, it will just slow the process. Don't be ashamed of taking time to mourn and strive to redirect the pain towards making yourself so awesome that she will be the one eventually regretting/living the past.
Something else that works for me:
I pick music in a new Genre and force myself to listen for a week, even if I hate it the whole time (I use Pandora). It not only prevents a memory inducing tune from entering your ears, but also opens your mind to new things. Being a lover of classic/modern rock and some post punk, I would never have thought that Roots Reggae and Country would ever appeal to me. On the other hand, if I never hear another Black Metal song, that is more than fine with me. An unexpected bonus to this was that I also found that an eclectic taste in music also helps to open up doors with more women since it not only helps me stand out, but offers more opportunity in conversation.
In the not too distant future, when this has passed, you will probably come back to this thread and see others with a current similar situation. The thought in your head will probably be similar to mine: "I can't believe that this was me on here" and then thank my lucky stars that this place exists. There is a treasure trove of solid info on here. Listen and stay the course.
I hear ya that’s some really good advice that I will defintely give a shot. I’m also having a hard time eating as much as I used to, lost a little bit of weight but getting back into the gym next week because I’m also keeping myself completely busy on my days off (ski trip this weekend). I feel like I’m on the cusp of not taking her back which is good. Kinda feels like a dreadful challenge in a way lol
"So, What Do You Do for Fun?"
She asks it casually, mid-sip. And you feel the floor open up, because the honest answer is work, gym, and a couple shows you're half-watching.
Women rarely say this out loud, but a man with a life is attractive before he says a word. The guy who spent Saturday deep-sea fishing and came back with photos and a story — he walks in already interesting.
The "22 Rules" pushed me to build a life worth talking about. Turns out the fastest way to be interesting to women is to be interested in your own life first.