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LARaiders85

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I haven't blocked her after the break-up if I do it now, will it show that I'm butthurt? or am i just bargaining?
This drug is very powerful.
You're bargaining. I know it's powerful, have dated a few of them. You need to love yourself and stop trying to win, it's a rigged game anyway. Likely you do not love yourself enough right now, a symptom of before/during/after Cluster B relationships.

She could just as easily perceive you as a chump for remaining friends after she devalued you and treated you poorly, in fact my NPD ex told me she did.
 

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tutu78

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Thank you.

During the devauling phase. I had a dream.

She was screaming and yelling at me, calling me names.
Me not knowing what to do. In the dream my phone rang. It was her, in her idealizing phase saying how much she loves me and misses me.
And the devaluing one started screaming at me to hang up the phone. Then I woke up. I mean gut feeling, how much can it get more concrete than that? My brain literally gave me a screenplay but i still ignored.
 

LARaiders85

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Thank you.

During the devauling phase. I had a dream.

She was screaming and yelling at me, calling me names.
Me not knowing what to do. In the dream my phone rang. It was her, in her idealizing phase saying how much she loves me and misses me.
And the devaluing one started screaming at me to hang up the phone. Then I woke up. I mean gut feeling, how much can it get more concrete than that? My brain literally gave me a screenplay but i still ignored.
Don't beat yourself up. If you shared with any healthy woman the love bombing part on it's own they would assume you were going to get married and she was madly in love with you. It's so overwhelming anyone would fall for it.
 

BeTheChange

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Day 34

Weird day. Professionally everything was great. Project I'm working on is making fantastic progress. However I've been craving the ex strongly throughout today. The heart (and d!ck) still wants her but the mind is moving on.

Have a plate coming round tonight. Nothing a nut or two shouldn't be able to deal with hopefully.
 

LARaiders85

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Day 34

Weird day. Professionally everything was great. Project I'm working on is making fantastic progress. However I've been craving the ex strongly throughout today. The heart (and d!ck) still wants her but the mind is moving on.

Have a plate coming round tonight. Nothing a nut or two shouldn't be able to deal with hopefully.
How long was the relationship? These relapses will happen for months, give yourself time.
 
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BeTheChange

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How long was the relationship? These relapses will happen for months, give yourself time.
Thanks man. One year. And to make matters worse the plate I had come round went nucleur (she's on the crazy side) and just left. She's starting to sense my undifferenxe towards her due to my feelings for my ex and she's acting out. So now the calmness and chilled out nature of my ex looks even better in comparison.

Selective nostalgia is a b!tch. I'll be fine tomorrow. It's the fact they move on so quickly that rubs me the wrong way.
 
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LARaiders85

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Thanks man. One year. And to make matters worse the plate I had come round went nucleur (she's on the crazy side) and just left so now the calmness and chilled out nature of my ex looks even better in comparison.

Selective nostalgia is a b!tch. I'll be fine tomorrow. It's the fact they move on so quickly that rubs me the wrong way.
Maybe not as quickly as it looked, whatever event precipitated it could just be the excuse. If you didn't see distancing though, maybe not. Sometimes the "a ha" moment comes years later, I got that with my one ex who did *zero* distancing but suddenly dumped me after a fight. Turned out it was a guy from her past.


One year, 3-6 months until you forget completely and only remember the good times I think.

I'm not so sure the plate thing works quickly when you still liked the girl. The market is really bad. It works easier if they cheated or something, you are replacing a ho with a ho. I'm pretty impressed at how fast you did it though, and the quality. I tried to pre-empt but it just takes me too much time to find value via social circles and day game(others don't work). Once you find greater value(subjective) its almost instantaneous how fast you forget.
 
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BeTheChange

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Day 35

Well if she was entertaining other options towards the end it doesn't matter now anyway. I doubt she was but can't rule it out.

Plate I'm seeing has caught feelings and isn't handling my indifference well anymore. Will need to start atleast giving the appearance of investing or move on. This plate is probably looking for a boyfriend. I'm not there yet.
 

tutu78

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Day 35

Well if she was entertaining other options towards the end it doesn't matter now anyway. I doubt she was but can't rule it out.

Plate I'm seeing has caught feelings and isn't handling my indifference well anymore. Will need to start atleast giving the appearance of investing or move on. This plate is probably looking for a boyfriend. I'm not there yet.
Well. Before the plate phase I always suggest "self-evalutation". Also, you will constantly compare the plates with the ex. The image of the ex will probably much better than the plate. Have you read some books? Such as the rational male?
 

LARaiders85

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Day 35

Well if she was entertaining other options towards the end it doesn't matter now anyway. I doubt she was but can't rule it out.

Plate I'm seeing has caught feelings and isn't handling my indifference well anymore. Will need to start atleast giving the appearance of investing or move on. This plate is probably looking for a boyfriend. I'm not there yet.
I would flat out tell her why you're indifferent. She might head for the hills but could have the opposite effect and be a bonding opportunity. I told my FWB why I wasn't in the mood to see her last week and she's like 1000x more interested.
 
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BeTheChange

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Day 37

37 days is the longest I've ever gone NC. I broke after 37 days NC with my BPD ex back in 2016. Couldn't handle the feelings of loneliness and loss. I was a much weaker man back then.

I still my most recent ex of course. And the sense of loss was particularly palatable last night, where I struggled to sleep. My rational mind is accepting the permanence of the situation and the reality that it will not be so easy to replace her. However eighty percent of success is showing up, so as long as my get myself I'll find an LTR worthy plate eventually. Stance hasn't changed - wouldn't contact her, wouldn't take her back right now if she contacted me. I'm making a lot of strides personally, professionally and internally. However not the man I want to be as far as fully internalising the prize mentality but I'll get there.

I'd like to be unrecognisable six months from now. Lost a noticeable amount of weight in the months around the breakup and even more after. I've decided to do a serious bulk. I'm 5'9 and currently 153 lbs. I'm aiming to get to 165 lbs by February and then I want to slowly gain another 10 lbs to hit 170 - 175 lbs by summer. 180 lb would be beast mode at my height so I'll assess what the mirror says once I hit those early goals.

Having these goals has definitely given me a new lease of life. I remember being 167 lbs in the summer of 2011. It was another world. I loved it! That feeling is the only memory I need to motivate me. Also helps that the ex was really into gym bodies so that's an added perk. Will feel a bit sweeter to know that I'm kicking ass and she's missing out. And that was back when I had no weight in my legs. So I'd probably need to be at 170 - 175 lbs to get the same impact if I'm working on my legs too. 180 lbs sounds about right because I'd like to look like I lift even if i wear a jacket of sweater.
 
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tutu78

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Day 24

I'm still under the FOG, as my BPD-ex lost her dad and told me leave her alone while I was showing support over the phone. Then she told me to leave her alone. This was the last conversation we had. I still want her to be good and wish her a well-being. Despite all the insults, manipultaions, triangulation and physicall abuse she is still in my dreams. I haven't pass one single night without seeing her in my dream. It sucks.
 
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Day 35

Well if she was entertaining other options towards the end it doesn't matter now anyway. I doubt she was but can't rule it out.

Plate I'm seeing has caught feelings and isn't handling my indifference well anymore. Will need to start atleast giving the appearance of investing or move on. This plate is probably looking for a boyfriend. I'm not there yet.
I think this about my ex to sometimes. But you'll never truly know because you can't trust anything she tells you anyways. Sucks
 

LARaiders85

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Day whatever.

A few weeks of insaaaane panic attacks/ptsd like sh1t from all the cognitive dissonance of the devaluation/love bomb cycle, but I'm finally past it. Was like the worst 2 weeks I've ever had post breakup physically. I swear I've never had more extreme emotions than with this girl. Anyway, hottest girl I've ever even had accept a date is coming over Friday, 9+.
 

mrgoodstuff

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Day whatever.

A few weeks of insaaaane panic attacks/ptsd like sh1t from all the cognitive dissonance of the devaluation/love bomb cycle, but I'm finally past it. Was like the worst 2 weeks I've ever had post breakup physically. I swear I've never had more extreme emotions than with this girl. Anyway, hottest girl I've ever even had accept a date is coming over Friday, 9+.
Hit it hard
 
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BeTheChange

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Day 21

Just a note on reframing and how it worked for me. My thought process works as follows:
  • I recognise that I have incredible value while acknowledging a continuous necessity to better myself personally, mentally and financially. I’m not improving myself in order to be a better Ken doll to these Barbies but because life is brilliant when you have a positive attitude, great social skills, an awesome network of friends and money to fly around the world and enjoy the finest things in life.
  • Even if she felt she had a legitimate reason to leave, this is no longer a reflection of who you are now and who you will be in the future. What happened in the past is done. Take an honest look at yourself, acknowledge any flaws, learn from it and grow.
  • It is a shame she wasn’t able to see your value or potential, because if she had she wouldn’t have left, but it’s for the best. You only want to be with woman that genuinely recognise your true capabilities and LOVE the idea of being with you because of this. I don’t even like my tea lukewarm, let alone my women.
  • Someone’s opinion of you does not have to become your reality.
  • She is free to come back and hop on the BeTheChange growth train any time she chooses but there’s only so many passengers the train can hold and if she doesn’t buy a ticket then some other lucky lady will
This last point is really important. When I broke up with my ex briefly back in June I talked through it with my cousin. I mentioned she met me only two weeks after moving to the UK and he said “wow, she’s pretty lucky she found someone like you that quickly”. It wasn’t said in an artificial or non-authentic way, but more like a nonchalant afterthought. He had looked at her and what she was doing with her life and mentally made the same comparison with me and had not even considered the possibility of me being the fortunate one in this relationship. He saw something that I had failed to see in myself by the end. That I was “the prize”. I didn’t believe it when things ended again three weeks ago otherwise why would I have spent two days trying to convince her to stay with me. But it’s true. There are more women like her than there are guys like me. That is a fact. If she doesn’t see it that’s her problem, not yours. I am internalising this prize mentality now and I look back on those days like I was crazy. It’s actually insane when you think about it. Why should I have to convince her to be with me??!! If you gave someone a million dollars would you need to convince them to take it?? High value people know their worth and behave accordingly.

We preach “Be the Prize” so much on this website but genuinely internalising this belief is paramount to one’s success and should be the focus, before anything else. Thankfully I am moving further towards this state and it feels great.
Day 41

Need to get back to this mentality. Have slipped last few days and started to see her as above me, which is a natural to do when you're the one who's been dumped. But it doesn't serve my interests or growth to think in those terms.
 

LARaiders85

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Day 41

Need to get back to this mentality. Have slipped last few days and started to see her as above me, which is a natural to do when you're the one who's been dumped. But it doesn't serve my interests or growth to think in those terms.
No reason why her opinion of you should ever matter more that your opinion of you. You know yourself a lot better than her superficial opinion of you.
 

tutu78

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Day 31

Only today after 2 months of breakup and 31 days of NC, I had the courage to unfriend her on Facebook after seeing who she had become friends with. It still stings badly. I realize that NC include not cheking her social media. Hope one day i wil be able to look at this posts and smile.
 

BeTheChange

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Day 31

Only today after 2 months of breakup and 31 days of NC, I had the courage to unfriend her on Facebook after seeing who she had become friends with. It still stings badly. I realise that NC include not cheking her social media. Hope one day i wil be able to look at this posts and smile.
Day 44

I was mulling over this point a few weeks ago. I rarely get an urge to snoop - out of site out of mind - but whenever I'm on Facebook she always appears near the top of my "whose online" list, presumably because I had the most interaction with her. If you wave over their name it comes up with who they've recently added as friends. I unfollowed her the day we broke up but unfollowing doesn't remove them from this list. I only slipped once two or three weeks ago. She'd been on a friend adding spree, which actually annoyed me given she added/accepted about 5 people in the year we were together. Was tempted to unfriend her right there and then. Since then I've not taken a look but it's actually a very irritating feature because it means I'm forced to see a snapshot of my ex's profile whenever I log on.

I've only ever unfriended one chick. A plate who I'd fvcked a few times but who was really hot and cold with me. Eventually she told me she was seeing someone else and I unfriended her in a pathetic act of defiance. Looking back now I regret it. It was emotional, weak and salty. Better to just do nothing. Never let them know they had that power over you. I already wrote my ex a letter the day after we broke up like an absolute pvsssssssy. I don't need to give her yet another ego boost by unfriending her too. The best revenge is reaching IDGAF status combined with success. If they want to stay friends with you on social media and see you shine then let them stargaze.
 
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