Work Related--finding the strength to forgive and move on

[joekerr31]

Yeah screw it. Life just isn't fair. Not fair, never fair. Not fair. Won't be fair. Just had to vent so I can stay focused.

or try to look at it like this. some starving ethopian with aids looks at your life and says 'why does he get so much and i'm f*cked?!"

i think life is pretty fair for most of us living in the west. now, what life is though is FRUSTRATING, which is different than it being unfair.

for instance, you might be living in a mansion but there a stupid fly inside that keeps buzzing around and making noise and you can't find it. when you try to go to sleep it lands on your nose and wakes you up. life has been very kind to you (if you can afford a mansion) BUT its nonetheless very frustrating.

 

[reset]

Ha ha. Yeah I know it's nothing super important. But it's my life. It's not easy sometimes to take that super objective standpoint.

I don't know. Interceptor told me to be calm and respond and in that meeting I was pretty ticked off and was more aggressive than assertive. I've been letting my anger get the best of me and maybe I am taking it out on other people. No I'm not dying of a disease or homeless or anything like that.

I think I'm just mad at me for not taking action for so long, this whole thing has fallen apart around me and I've been pissed and complaining and fvck it, I did it to myself by not having the balls to leave. It's my own damn fault.

But I'm taking action now. Which reminds me, I need to call a lead I got from a friend about someone who may be hiring. Thanks for the perspective.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

Yeah screw it. Life just isn't fair. Not fair, never fair. Not fair. Won't be fair. Just had to vent so I can stay focused.

If you say so...

 

[Interceptor]

There are really 3 directons for Anger.
First off, anger happens when our needs are not being Met, or there is a percived LOSS.

While we may say that Anger is 'bad", it i snot necessarily bad, it is simply an emotion.
We FEEL Anger, but we must use our intellect, wisdom, and strength to not let it overtake us.

So anger is simply a SIGN, a SIGNAL that something is WRONG.

What happens when we DON"T "FEEL" anger or any emotion?

We REPRESS IT.
What happens specifically to ANGER when we surpress and repress it?

IT turns into DEPRESSION,


Depression is ANGER TURNED INWARD.

go ahead and "feel' your Anger, it is simply a sign that A) your NEEDS are not being met and B ) you have perceived a LOSS.

So we have 3 directions for ANGER.

If it goes down, it is Depression, if it goes up it is ACTION.

And from that Action there are 2 courses it can take, based on your decision.

You either become Destructive (and immature), choose NEGATIVELY, and act on AGGRESSION or MASOCHISM.

A Win/Lose scenario.



Or you choose Constructively (thus, maturely) , and choose POSITIVELY and act ASSERTIVELY

A Win/Win scenario.

Assertiveness means standing up fopr yourself and makin gsure YOUR NEEDS are MET, BUT also you try to be constructive about it and not try to take, steal, damage, or offend the other party and its resources..


the way of Assertiveness is the mature way.
It is about long term gratification.
You must have discipline and patience for this way to work for you.
You also need respect for others, even if you are in disagreement.


You must set aside your Ego and need for instant gratification.
You must also set aside a need for revenge as well.


So you can see how this is a mature, self assured method of dealing with Anger , and when your needs are not being met or you have perceived a loss.

If you practice this in every circumstance of anger, you will build Self Esteem from managing your WELL BEING.

As you accumulate more and more Self Esteem and have greater Well Being, you begin to have Abundance of Inner Resources.
This in turn, strenghtens your Personal Boundary andy ou gain more tolerance, patience, calmness, and self assuredness.

 

[reset]

You're right man.... damn I really AM implementing this stuff. It's not like I walk in the door and start shouting obscenities. I did not look after my needs. I felt victimized and scared, was mistreated, got angry, kept it in and got depressed. Now I have to accept the consequences for my actions. I perceived a need not being met and instead of doing something about it, I thought I could demand it out of others. Expecting they would see the value I had. Problem is they DID see the value I had, and were threatened by it. So instead of saying "don't cast pearls before swine" I knocked heads.... over and over, for years.

I got written up for not wanting to tattle tale on a co-worker of mine, to keep a list of the stuff he did wrong. I FELT THAT WAS WRONG. SO I DIDN'T DO IT.

Anyway, the old reset's dead now. Maybe I'll come back under a new user name someday. This new guy is no longer associated with the AFC who started here and didn't do anything proactive in his life. But I will accept responsibility for cleaning up his mess and redirecting his energy. I have value and deserve the best and if I'm not getting what I want I will see to it that I do my best to bring as much of it to me, while maintaining high character and keeping true to my ideals of what is right and wrong. No more win/lose scenarios.

BTW I've completely gotten over my fear of looking for new jobs, so no joekerr I'm not afraid of turning that freaking corner, lol.

 

[reset]

If you say so...

Is this where you come clean and explain your perception is reality deal?

Crap, that would be my reality anyway.

 

[Interceptor]

Remember how we talk about the issue of how we PERCEIVE the World?
(wasn't that Einsteins' question? IIRC?)

If we look at the world as good, we usually see evidence of that goodness, and whatever other negative evidence we may see does not strike fear into our hearts, or derails us. (Personal Boundary at work, with proper Perspective)

And if we see the world as bad, as back stabbers, thieves, and liars, people who cannot be trusted, how you gotta 'get yours'?

But if we understand people's Personal Boundaries, and respect their individuality and their right to make up their own mind, regardless of us..
..then we have a framework in whic we OBSERVE our surroundings, and people, and simply make OBSERVATIONS, not CONCLUSIONS.

ie "some people may be bad." compared to "ALL PEOPLE ARE FVCKING *******S OUT TO GET YOU!!"



Why?
Because people have free will.

And their resources must be respected.
They are not ours to TAKE.

So with that in mind, we have a strength and perspective where we let people live their lives as THEY see fit, without us wishing, hoping, dreaming, or trying to subvertly STEAL others' RESOURCES.

We let go of the VICTIM MENTALITY. ("Life happens to us.")
We learn how to control our emotions and our perspectives.
We learn how to make intelligent decsions, Positive ones. We DO Courage.
We let go of the notion of people, or Life, or God OWING us.

And we learn to live in a strangely abundant place where people seem nice to us , and don't try to hurt us, and if they do try we realize they have low self esteem , their livestyle is poor and they cannot get to our resources no matter what, because we are in control of them. and we look at people as being free to do whatever, and they don't owe us anything.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

Is this where you come clean and explain your perception is reality deal?

Crap, that would be my reality anyway.

I admit that I was tempted momentarily but I realized that I didn't need to.

 

[reset]

I want to protect my own resources. I don't want to take anyone's resources. But when people want to take them from me hell yeah I'm going to defend and protect them. You have to defend what's yours but at some point you have to say "what I expect is not happening. Try something else."

I wanted the title of manager. I didn't get it. I feel I earned it. Still didn't get it. And that's life. I choose to accept that not as failure but as something crappy not becoming worse. Maybe the universe is saying "oh HELL NO!" and that means there's more out there.

In any case this is all the result of previous decisions. I'm going to make new choices now and hope to repeat the benefit of them in the near future.

Blah/end ramble. Ok I'm tuckered out, realigned, focused, will achieve my mission.

 

[joekerr31]

I wanted the title of manager. I didn't get it. I feel I earned it. Still didn't get it. And that's life. I choose to accept that not as failure but as something crappy not becoming worse. Maybe the universe is saying "oh HELL NO!" and that means there's more out there.

the only thing you should care about when it comes to work is the experience you are getting and how you can parlez that experience into the next opportunity.

this is how it goes. you eventually reach a point where your employer is under appreciating you. but thats ok, because theres another employer out there who will appreciate you.

basic supply and demand.

its tough BUT youll be just fine now that you know what to do. trust me, there are millions of people who dont do anything about it. they just sit and stew and get angry for 20 years.

so be happy you have a job that pays the bills while you look for the next opportunity.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

... Ok I'm tuckered out, realigned, focused, will achieve my mission.

Changed your perception?

 

[reset]

the only thing you should care about when it comes to work is the experience you are getting and how you can parlez that experience into the next opportunity.

this is how it goes. you eventually reach a point where your employer is under appreciating you. but thats ok, because theres another employer out there who will appreciate you.

basic supply and demand.

its tough BUT youll be just fine now that you know what to do. trust me, there are millions of people who dont do anything about it. they just sit and stew and get angry for 20 years.

so be happy you have a job that pays the bills while you look for the next opportunity.

Thanks joekerr. If the employer isn't WISE enough to see the deal, no amount of me freaking out is going to change him.

I do feel better. I've gone my course here. I'm proud of the portfolio I've put together and the experience. I don't need to cling to something when I have potential for more. :rockon:

 

[joekerr31]

Thanks joekerr. If the employer isn't WISE enough to see the deal, no amount of me freaking out is going to change him.

I do feel better. I've gone my course here. I'm proud of the portfolio I've put together and the experience. I don't need to cling to something when I have potential for more. :rockon:

employers are stupid generally speaking. 90% of employers don't concern themselves one bit with the contributions you've made, whether you are happy, whether you are being treated fairly, etc.

they basically consult your direct supervisor. if they say you are 'good' then they are happy to hear that and move on.

when you get that next job and hand in your resignation and they ask you 'why are you leaving?' you can say 'my talents aren't being utilized as much as they should be here, so i've decided to take a job with more responsibilities.'

that's the best way you can kick them in the balls while being polite.

 

[reset]

Yeah dude, you're right. I should be looking for a direct supervisor who is either:

a--not terrified of me and genuine about wanting me to contribute or

b--yours truly.

I'll take either one. This is all management gone wrong. The owner in the end doesn't give any real authority to the "supervisors", he likes to micro-manage. That's why I bring him up, he's the only one with authority so I talk to him. "doors always open reset!" lol.

Yeah I'll say something like what you suggested. Believe it or not I usually attempt to rise above my own smart ass tendencies.

 

[MikeEdward1973]

Reset, the most important thing for you to be doing right now is looking for another job.

This will:

1) tell you if you really are undervalued at your current place of employment;
2) give you a lot more self-confidence, when dealing with your current workplace, since your long-term stay there has given it a larger-than-life appearance in your mind's eye, and you need to be reminded it's not anywhere near as important as you have come to treat it as;
3) make you think about your next steps, and long-term career goals.

As inspiration, just think about how much fun it's going to be once you have another (hopefully better) offer, in writing, and you can go into the office and let them know. I really do relish such situations. Try it. You'll like it.

 

[reset]

Changed your perception?

lol, yeah. I need to perceive some more positive shyt.

 

[reset]

Thanks Mike, yeah I started the job search and I do feel pretty good now that there's some momentum. I intend to have a positive update in this thread in the near future.

And that's a great point about it being larger than life because I've made it so important, absolutely right. Treating a flea like a monster.

 

[MacAvoy]

When you go to interviews for your new job, whatever you do, don't cut down your current employer. Keep it positive, talk about how you took extra responsibility, not how you got shortchanged.

Tell them how your looking for a company where you can continue to grow etc....

 

[MikeEdward1973]

And that's a great point about it being larger than life because I've made it so important, absolutely right. Treating a flea like a monster.

That happens to everyone that stays at the same job for a long period of time. That 'spell' that that place has on you will begin to break when you actually walk into another company, and sit down for an interview. You'll walk into your current place afterwards, and look at it much differently, with a lot less awe.

 

[reset]

I will MacAvoy. Because I AM a positive person. I have a lot to offer a company and yes I think that includes a good work ethic and getting along well with others. That's why I get so ticked. I have a lot to offer but didn't utilize it.

Mike, that's true. I'm glad you said that because I bet people get bogged down in their current situation, then in their mind project into the future "all companies are probably like this, as if it's going to be any different someplace else" etc. And that can keep you stuck. I do feel a little different from sending out resumes, and I made a cold-call today to someone, they aren't looking but it felt good to talk about getting a new job and to hear someone else be interested in what I'm doing.