Woman I am dating is stressed about family issues, effecting when we are together. Options for handling?

[BackInTheGame78]

So I have been dating a woman for 3 months or so and everything has been going great up until about 2 weeks ago. There have been some family issues going on that are really stressing her, specifically a serious injury to her ex Brother in Law that is affecting her ex's ability to maintain the custody schedule and leaving her with the kids most days.

She started acting a little distant and colder but has always texted and made sure to tell me how much she misses me and wants to snuggle up next to me, etc...then a few days ago the flood dam opened and she said part of the reason she has been acting that is way is she is afraid I am going to get sick of all her problems and just not want to deal with it anymore. She told me how much she likes me and is imagining all the fun things we will be doing together and how she missed me and wants to spend time with me etc. I tell her I get she is going through some issues and that I am cool with it.

She ends up coming over last night and we were watching a show and she was laying back on me and I had my arm wrapped around her laying on her chest...this is going to sound dumb but normally she rubs my arm or holds my hand when I do that but there was nothing on her end...no sex for the second time in a row and she ended up getting a call from her ex saying he needed to drop the kids off because of a situation going on with the family so she had to leave earlier than expected. But she wasn't planning on staying over anyways which is usually what happens.

So I am not sure what to do with this. I feel she has kind of shut down emotionally due to all the stress and I want to work through it with her but I also don't want it to effect the time we are together.

Is there a way to bring this up tactfully and not either pile on her stress or come off sounding needy?

I have other plates I am spinning but this one had good long term potential in terms of pretty much everything from the way we interact, the sex, how we get along, etc...I kind of feel life is getting in the way and she seems to be putting up this giant wall now.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

@BeExcellent @Lynx nkaf. Female perspective on this? Also I have not been needy at all in terms of texting or demanding explanations, etc. I have been chill and given her as much space as she needs and she tells me how appreciative of that she is.

 

[Alvafe]

I would say let her vent and then do things who would bring her good feelings, something to make her forget.

but in this case, the best to do would be let her fix her issue.

when there is nothing you can do the better is let her fix her issues alone, the less she sees you the better, you sure don't want she start to associate bad feelings with you.

also take note, if there is no sex, then you shouldn't waste time with her

 

[BackInTheGame78]

1. No

2. You don't know that after 3 months and then she has kids and ex drama on top of it.

I get point 1, but for point 2 there really isn't ex drama normally, just a situation where someone got badly injured that is causing problems now. It's not a long term situation but it might be a few months til he is recovered so not exactly short term either.

 

[Lynx nkaf]

@BeExcellent @Lynx nkaf. Female perspective on this? Also I have not been needy at all in terms of texting or demanding explanations, etc. I have been chill and given her as much space as she needs and she tells me how appreciative of that she is.

Back, that's the first time I got notification for being mentioned in a post.
Thanks for shoutout.

You are dating a woman and her kids.

AND being the key word here.

Do you have the ability to have them sleep over?(ex. enough room on living room floor for 2 or 3 air mattresses?) I don't know how many there is.
Can you feed them? ex. enough dishes, cutlery , glasses, chairs to eat at.
Enough towels, toilet paper, soap etc to have them over with her?

I don't understand how they haven't already been over to your place with her in 3 months of dating? Not judging.

I try to think of dating a guy with kids and these are the first things I think of. Do I have the ability to care for them in addition to him?

The answer is always no. Please don't judge me man.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

Back, that's the first time I got notification for being mentioned in a post.
Thanks for shoutout.

You are dating a woman and her kids.

AND being the key word here.

Do you have the ability to have them sleep over?(ex. enough room on living room floor for 2 or 3 air mattresses?) I don't know how many there is.
Can you feed them? ex. enough dishes, cutlery , glasses, chairs to eat at.
Enough towels, toilet paper, soap etc to have them over with her?

I don't understand how they haven't already been over to your place with her in 3 months of dating? Not judging.

I try to think of dating a guy with kids and these are the first things I think of. Do I have the ability to care for them in addition to him?

The answer is always no. Please don't judge me man.

I haven't met them yet. Nor has she met mine. I am in no rush for that to be honest. She has 2 adult kids and then two younger ones.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

Is this a situation where silence and distance is appropriate?

I get the feeling she will bring it up and apologize for things at some point, do I still not say what is on my mind?

 

[BeExcellent]

It’s a life thing. Sometimes stuff happens. She sounds like she’s just got a lot going on.

I would keep doing as you are, especially regarding children. No need to meet hers yet it’s too early for that. I don’t introduce children until there is a well established relationship. To do otherwise is destabilizing and not healthy for children. Kids, even teens need stability. Cycling lovers through children’s lives is very harmful to them when they are seeking stability. Allow her to have the space & time she needs.

Here’s how that looks. Communicate per normal, perhaps a brief call here or there to touch base & have more context than text alone, and see her as time allows. Just be chill & cool & keep spinning your other plate if still seeing others. If she’s got to deal with her kids be cool with it.

What you might consider is inquiring about her availability to get together and select a time she has availability to see you. Let sex happen organically when y’all are together. Don’t pressure but don’t back off either. Play, relax & have fun with her.

I’m dealing with similar stuff in my life. I’ve had to take more time to be with my children while also dealing with starting a new position and dealing with fall out from the demise of my recent LTR and so on.

The man I have been seeing has been great. Touches base by text, calls to say Hi, we get together and enjoy time together when we can...we aren’t exclusive so I expect he’s spinning at least one other plate which keeps him from being needy, and I feel comfortable and no pressure. We like each other and have been upfront about that...and we agree to let things develop organically and let it ride.

I’d say one of the key things for the OP to observe is that this woman must have the emotional maturity to communicate and the self confidence to let your developing interaction grow through the current situation in her life without stifling it or screwing it up. Stuff happens to all of us from time to time...and being a good partner is being supportive while also allowing space for one another to breathe in the relationship.

I know that’s wordy but hopefully it’s a useful perspective.

Cheers

 

[Focal core]

So I am not sure what to do with this. I feel she has kind of shut down emotionally due to all the stress and I want to work through it with her but I also don't want it to effect the time we are together.

This, thread carefully between her word an action, it can be a valid red flag and its falling out fast. Trust what you feel and observe from there, if shes willing improving her relationship with you theres really nothing would stop a women from that.

If not you already got your answer.. But do this according to her response and dont over texting her. Just trust your feelings and follow the flow .

 

[BackInTheGame78]

It’s a life thing. Sometimes stuff happens. She sounds like she’s just got a lot going on.

I would keep doing as you are, especially regarding children. No need to meet hers yet it’s too early for that. I don’t introduce children until there is a well established relationship. To do otherwise is destabilizing and not healthy for children. Kids, even teens need stability. Cycling lovers through children’s lives is very harmful to them when they are seeking stability. Allow her to have the space & time she needs.

Here’s how that looks. Communicate per normal, perhaps a brief call here or there to touch base & have more context than text alone, and see her as time allows. Just be chill & cool & keep spinning your other plate if still seeing others. If she’s got to deal with her kids be cool with it.

What you might consider is inquiring about her availability to get together and select a time she has availability to see you. Let sex happen organically when y’all are together. Don’t pressure but don’t back off either. Play, relax & have fun with her.

I’m dealing with similar stuff in my life. I’ve had to take more time to be with my children while also dealing with starting a new position and dealing with fall out from the demise of my recent LTR and so on.

The man I have been seeing has been great. Touches base by text, calls to say Hi, we get together and enjoy time together when we can...we aren’t exclusive so I expect he’s spinning at least one other plate which keeps him from being needy, and I feel comfortable and no pressure. We like each other and have been upfront about that...and we agree to let things develop organically and let it ride.

I’d say one of the key things for the OP to observe is that this woman must have the emotional maturity to communicate and the self confidence to let your developing interaction grow through the current situation in her life without stifling it or screwing it up. Stuff happens to all of us from time to time...and being a good partner is being supportive while also allowing space for one another to breathe in the relationship.

I know that’s wordy but hopefully it’s a useful perspective.

Cheers

So is there anyway to communicate to her that I get that she is going thru a lot but if she is interested in making this work then I have to feel she is interested in being with me when she is there in person? I mean its great for her to spill her guts out to me via text but it doesn't mean much when that is not reinforced in person.

I guess the question I have is how do I do it without coming off looking butthurt? I guess I feel there is an imbalance with her taking a lot more than she is giving right now and at some point if she doesn't act like she is appreciating it and showing me that it feels like I am having smoke blown up my ass and being used.

 

[RickTheToad]

So I have been dating a woman for 3 months or so and everything has been going great up until about 2 weeks ago. There have been some family issues going on that are really stressing her, specifically a serious injury to her ex Brother in Law that is affecting her ex's ability to maintain the custody schedule and leaving her with the kids most days.

She started acting a little distant and colder but has always texted and made sure to tell me how much she misses me and wants to snuggle up next to me, etc...then a few days ago the flood dam opened and she said part of the reason she has been acting that is way is she is afraid I am going to get sick of all her problems and just not want to deal with it anymore. She told me how much she likes me and is imagining all the fun things we will be doing together and how she missed me and wants to spend time with me etc. I tell her I get she is going through some issues and that I am cool with it.

She ends up coming over last night and we were watching a show and she was laying back on me and I had my arm wrapped around her laying on her chest...this is going to sound dumb but normally she rubs my arm or holds my hand when I do that but there was nothing on her end...no sex for the second time in a row and she ended up getting a call from her ex saying he needed to drop the kids off because of a situation going on with the family so she had to leave earlier than expected. But she wasn't planning on staying over anyways which is usually what happens.

So I am not sure what to do with this. I feel she has kind of shut down emotionally due to all the stress and I want to work through it with her but I also don't want it to effect the time we are together.

Is there a way to bring this up tactfully and not either pile on her stress or come off sounding needy?

I have other plates I am spinning but this one had good long term potential in terms of pretty much everything from the way we interact, the sex, how we get along, etc...I kind of feel life is getting in the way and she seems to be putting up this giant wall now.

Why are you wasting your time with a single mother? Unless you have kids of your own, or they are teenagers/adults, nothing can really come about with this. Move on.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

Why are you wasting your time with a single mother? Unless you have kids of your own, or they are teenagers/adults, nothing can really come about with this. Move on.

I don't buy into this quite honestly.

 

[RickTheToad]

I don't buy into this quite honestly.

Ok. Different strokes for different folks. Some people like to punish themselves for no reason. That's a choice.

 

[BeExcellent]

So is there anyway to communicate to her that I get that she is going thru a lot but if she is interested in making this work then I have to feel she is interested in being with me when she is there in person? I mean its great for her to spill her guts out to me via text but it doesn't mean much when that is not reinforced in person.

I guess the question I have is how do I do it without coming off looking butthurt? I guess I feel there is an imbalance with her taking a lot more than she is giving right now and at some point if she doesn't act like she is appreciating it and showing me that it feels like I am having smoke blown up my ass and being used.

I’d say it to her like this:

“I get that you have lots on your plate right now...but if we are hanging out I need to feel that you are here and not checked out. Would it be better that we just take a break for now until your situation stabilizes?”

And then you see how she responds.

If she gets defensive or affronted by that? She’s emotionally immature. If she gets huffy and says you are being unreasonable or that you don’t understand...

Ask her how she would respond if the situation were reversed. If she can’t see or acknowledge how this affects you then she isn’t going to do well when life happens later in y’all’s relationship.

If she is open to have a forthright conversation with you then she has maturity and can handle things in a stable way. She may not realize her attitude has changed and/or may not realize how you feel. She may apologize and warm up to you...she may bolt.

If she is open to an honest discussion that’s good. If she reacts or shuts down that’s bad.

After you bring it up you’ll know more about how she handles life’s curveballs and whether you remain supportive, apply silence & distance or what.

I’ve been very open about the stressors in my life with the man I’m seeing for example...we chat about them lightly and then I make effort NOT to discuss it ad nauseum because that takes away from enjoying him and getting to know him...and it’s not fair to him really.

So if she can show a similar willingness to see your point of view you might be fine.

 

[BeExcellent]

Bad idea bro...your asking a middle aged woman on a MANS forum to give you advice. Think about that.
Mommy issues??

My advice is solid. A man could have just as easily said the same thing.

OP is a big boy. He’ll figure it out.

 

[Machine10033]

I would probably just walk. It’s 3 months and she has a ton of baggage. As I get older I just don’t have the patience to play games or try and maneuver thru their BS. There are probably millions of other chicks out there that would be more fun... just move to another.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

4 kids?? Lol wow dude any other options??
You are balls deep in rationalizing a bad situation for yourself.

I mean 2 are adults and not in the house so really there are only 2. I do have options, I just prefer this one.

 

[Black Widow Void]

...then a few days ago the flood dam opened and she said part of the reason she has been acting that is way is she is afraid I am going to get sick of all her problems and just not want to deal with it anymore.

This could have been subconscious on her part, but her delivery does have a bit of that passive/aggressive vibe. I say this because this puts you on the spot of saying... b,b,b,but I'll be here for you no matter (or something to that affect).

Like everyone, she deserves some wiggle room and understanding. Just be sure that you don't get sucked in too soon or too deep.

I don’t introduce children until there is a well established relationship. To do otherwise is destabilizing and not healthy for children. Kids, even teens need stability. Cycling lovers through children’s lives is very harmful to them when they are seeking stability.

You sound like quite a prize. You'd be surprised at how many women I've dated (and we're talking typically high caliber) that do not seem to prioritize their children's psychological well-being. I can't imagine why a woman would subject their child/children to potential revolving-door men throughout their lives, but so many do.

 

[BeExcellent]

This could have been subconscious on her part, but her delivery does have a bit of that passive/aggressive vibe. I say this because this puts you on the spot of saying... b,b,b,but I'll be here for you no matter (or something to that affect).

Like everyone, she deserves some wiggle room and understanding. Just be sure that you don't get sucked in too soon or too deep.



You sound like quite a prize. You'd be surprised at how many women I've dated (and we're talking typically high caliber) that do not seem to prioritize their children's psychological well-being. I can't imagine why a woman would subject their child/children to potential revolving-door men throughout their lives, but so many do.

Thank you for your kind words.

 

[ImTheDoubleGreatest!]

Female perspective on this?

Bro I’m sorry but have you learned NOTHING from this forum????