Wife is leaving my friend due to his chronic illness. Seems pretty heartless

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Atom Smasher

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It occurs to me though that we still have no idea what the actual interpersonal dynamic is between these two. How can we really know how he responds to her in conversation?

We’re looking at the macro “mechanics” of the situation (guy is sick, woman wants to leave), but we are completely in the dark about what is really going on behind closed doors. How do we know whether the guy is intolerable or not? Or both of them?

I always look at such stories as there’s more going on than meets the eye.

Now it may be true that what is apparent to us is really all that is happening, but it also may be that there are deeper issues.
 

Ricky

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Just spent a few hours with a good friend, and I still just cannot believe the situation. Certainly makes me wonder if some ladies even have empathy at all. They were together for nine years, married for four of them. She knew well in advance of marriage, that he had some chronic illnesses. He had a few herniated discs, degenerative disc disease, irritable bowel syndrome and suffers from chronic migraines. Yet, looking at him, you'd never know he's in a lot of pain. Always seemed to make good money, no financial issues, took care of her when she had some medical issues, etc. He even said, she told him after he disclosed this info to her so she had an out that she'd never leave him. I guess the last year or so has been rough on him medical wise. He said he's had more flareups, and he would just retreat into the bedroom until it passes. She moved into the guest bedroom and yes, you guessed it, sex slowed. They stopped trying for kids, and she even made him wear condoms when the times she was intimate with him. She said she cannot be with him anymore as it hurts her too much to see him in pain and wants a divorce. The guy is in shambles.

I still cannot believe what I heard. What's the point of marriage if you cannot count on the person to have your back when your at your low point in life?
A friend from high school has MS and his wife divorced him. There are some cruel women out there. Granted there could be other issues
 

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sosousage

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Just spent a few hours with a good friend, and I still just cannot believe the situation. Certainly makes me wonder if some ladies even have empathy at all. They were together for nine years, married for four of them. She knew well in advance of marriage, that he had some chronic illnesses. He had a few herniated discs, degenerative disc disease, irritable bowel syndrome and suffers from chronic migraines. Yet, looking at him, you'd never know he's in a lot of pain. Always seemed to make good money, no financial issues, took care of her when she had some medical issues, etc. He even said, she told him after he disclosed this info to her so she had an out that she'd never leave him. I guess the last year or so has been rough on him medical wise. He said he's had more flareups, and he would just retreat into the bedroom until it passes. She moved into the guest bedroom and yes, you guessed it, sex slowed. They stopped trying for kids, and she even made him wear condoms when the times she was intimate with him. She said she cannot be with him anymore as it hurts her too much to see him in pain and wants a divorce. The guy is in shambles.

I still cannot believe what I heard. What's the point of marriage if you cannot count on the person to have your back when your at your low point in life?
idk man looks normal to me
 

RickTheToad

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Interesting thread - I have irritable bowel syndrome (quite mild/managed version of it) and you can live with it easily once you know what trigger flares up - however - once woman understands what it is (it's impossible to cure) your SMV in her eyes drops considerably. I know from the experience.

It's like with Robert Greene's laws of power - IBS is classified under "good reputation" in woman's eyes.

Once she knows you have it, there's no coming back from loss of reputation (she will Google it and read multiple times, again and again, that's uncurable)

Never phucking admit to it at any stage od dating.

Woman's "Is everything ok?" means actually "Are you healthy? Do I need to sh.it test you to oblivion?" Moreover more mean woman will stress test you in order to keep power over you (stress is IBS trigger).

They say its ok. Then they leave. No contact won't work on hotter chicks if you have IBS. Field tested.

It's nothing. It's stomach flu. That's my answers to every woman I will date from now on.
Not sure exactly what it is. Seems painful and a nuisance. It's not transmitable, so why would a lady care?
 

RickTheToad

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This is typical female sh*t right here. Textbook. Haha, she even put it back on him, said she couldn't bear to see him in pain. Legit LOL.

You see it all the time, men go off to fight in war and their wives cheat on them. It's their nature.

I hate it for the guy, I really do. But the answer here is to up his game. He can't feel sorry for himself. She's not leaving him because of his condition, she's leaving him because she doesn't respect him anymore.
Prob. so. However, he just closed on a massive deal here in Fairfield County. It made the front page on business and on CTPost. He has massive respect from a lot of people. He's now also have private equity backing his company. The dude will easily be worth over 100m dollars in a few years.
 

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It occurs to me though that we still have no idea what the actual interpersonal dynamic is between these two. How can we really know how he responds to her in conversation?

We’re looking at the macro “mechanics” of the situation (guy is sick, woman wants to leave), but we are completely in the dark about what is really going on behind closed doors. How do we know whether the guy is intolerable or not? Or both of them?

I always look at such stories as there’s more going on than meets the eye.

Now it may be true that what is apparent to us is really all that is happening, but it also may be that there are deeper issues.
Not sure. I am only reporting what I experienced. He's not a player and very high with morals. The dude doesn't lie. He's not a push over either.
 
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markfromeurope

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Not sure exactly what it is. Seems painful and a nuisance. It's not transmitable, so why would a lady care?
I usually go for woman with a least some alpha traits (7's and up) most of them want a guy that is more alpha than them.

Now, imagine that you have a flare up and your guts are doing 180 degree on you because you ate something you didn't know will hurt you - I really won't go into details but description of IBS effects online is rather civilised to not upset the affected imo - loud 15-30 mins long bathroom visit (so better be sure that door from the bathroom don't let any sound out which is usually not the case) is a standard case - also you feel tired when you cannot really 'manage' yourself properly when you are in a room with another person 24/7 because it requires her leaving it for 1-2 hours (when you cannot take crap you need to drink a lot of water or coffee which makes you even more bloated). It's disgusting really and person not affected with it won't understand what's going on with you really - most of the time you cannot do anything about it in the long run - it would require probably 6 months holidays and chillout with medications and some positive gut bacteria supplements and special diet to count for 25-50% chance of eliminating this issue (stress in work/life is making your gut to produce even more 'negative' bacterias)

IBS paralyses personal life of a person like a disease - you need to have significant advantage in other areas to keep woman thinking your alpha traits (LMS) are enough for her when you are affected by IBS.

When I was on holidays with one of my ex GF I had nasty flare up (in spite of taking supplements, some other medications) and it partially phucked up my frame in her eyes (she asked me for the rest of the trip "Do you feel okay today?"). It's terrible man.

Basically speaking its disease that mostly affects your personal life (because only person that spends a lot of time with you knows you have it), you can easily act like 110% healthy person around others if you don't spend 24/7 with them. So only person that sleeps with you and spends a lot of time with you knows just a part of the story - the ugly part.

One of the guys on the forums wrote the thread about a HB9-10 looks woman that lived with him in the apartment during college and he didn't want to phuck her at all because when he heard how much stomach issues due to IBS she had, he classified her as 6/10 and didn't want to do her - it works pretty much the same way around with woman - until she will get to understand you have some serious gut issues you are SMV 8/10 or SMV 9/10 for her. After revealing the truth you probably drop to SMV 6/10 or something.
 
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Bokanovsky

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He has plenty of money and resources. They even have a pre-nup, so she's not getting anything. Very strange. His issues are defective, it was because of an accident or something. It wouldn't pass down to a child. Some days I see him, he's at 100. Others, not so much. I guess it depends on if he has an attack or not.
There is nothing strange about it. It is difficult to spend the rest of your life with a seriously ill person, no doubt about it. Doing so requires a degree of selflessness and moral fortitude that many people simply don't have. This is true of both men and women by the way. I can think of a number of men who abounded their sick wives (John McCain, for example).
 

RickTheToad

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I usually go for woman with a least some alpha traits (7's and up) most of them want a guy that is more alpha than them.

Now, imagine that you have a flare up and your guts are doing 180 degree on you because you ate something you didn't know will hurt you - I really won't go into details but description of IBS effects online is rather civilised to not upset the affected imo - loud 15-30 mins long bathroom visit (so better be sure that door from the bathroom don't let any sound out which is usually not the case) is a standard case - also you feel tired when you cannot really 'manage' yourself properly when you are in a room with another person 24/7 because it requires her leaving it for 1-2 hours (when you cannot take crap you need to drink a lot of water or coffee which makes you even more bloated). It's disgusting really and person not affected with it won't understand what's going on with you really - most of the time you cannot do anything about it in the long run - it would require probably 6 months holidays and chillout with medications and some positive gut bacteria supplements and special diet to count for 25-50% chance of eliminating this issue (stress in work/life is making your gut to produce even more 'negative' bacterias)

IBS paralyses personal life of a person like a disease - you need to have significant advantage in other areas to keep woman thinking your alpha traits (LMS) are enough for her when you are affected by IBS.

When I was on holidays with one of my ex GF I had nasty flare up (in spite of taking supplements, some other medications) and it partially phucked up my frame in her eyes (she asked me for the rest of the trip "Do you feel okay today?"). It's terrible man.

Basically speaking its disease that mostly affects your personal life (because only person that spends a lot of time with you knows you have it), you can easily act like 110% healthy person around others if you don't spend 24/7 with them. So only person that sleeps with you and spends a lot of time with you knows just a part of the story - the ugly part.

One of the guys on the forums wrote the thread about a HB9-10 looks woman that lived with him in the apartment during college and he didn't want to phuck her at all because when he heard how much stomach issues due to IBS she had, he classified her as 6/10 and didn't want to do her - it works pretty much the same way around with woman - until she will get to understand you have some serious gut issues you are SMV 8/10 or SMV 9/10 for her. After revealing the truth you probably drop to SMV 6/10 or something.
Sorry to hear about this dude. It sounds like suffering in silence. I feel for you and other people who suffer from this. Surprised there's not cure. Sounds painful and at times, makes a person feel self-conscious about themself.
 

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There is nothing strange about it. It is difficult to spend the rest of your life with a seriously ill person, no doubt about it. Doing so requires a degree of selflessness and moral fortitude that many people simply don't have. This is true of both men and women by the way. I can think of a number of men who abounded their sick wives (John McCain, for example).
Dude, the guy is not a seriously ill person. He runs one of the largest firms in Fairfield Connecticut and has additional offices in Philadelphia, PA, Manhattan, Chicago and Jersey City with a staff of well north of 50 people working and reporting to him. He's on the ground nearly every day; including weekends. He's not a cripple, he's actually very active. I do not believe I posted anywhere where he's seriously ill. Travel though, is one of his weaknesses. He doesn't like airplanes, but fine with other modes of transportation apparently.
 

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I have IBS, and very severely. It's an awful thing to have to live with. @markfromeurope described it pretty well. It's a life of torturous pain, inconvenience and embarrassment. It affects literally every aspect of life. Just going out on a date with a new woman is usually torture. The thing about IBS is that when you feel the urge to evacuate, you can't hold it back like normal people can. That's why you need to know where the bathroom is wherever you go, and you need to hope there's an open stall when the time comes. Imagine dating with that kind of pressure.

Thankfully, my fiance is completely OK with it, and in fact she admires me for the way I handle it. Even something as hideous as IBS can be leveraged in your favor if you have solid character in her eyes.
 
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Bokanovsky

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Dude, the guy is not a seriously ill person.
Well, that's not how you made it sound in the OP:

I guess the last year or so has been rough on him medical wise. He said he's had more flareups, and he would just retreat into the bedroom until it passes. She moved into the guest bedroom and yes, you guessed it, sex slowed. They stopped trying for kids, and she even made him wear condoms when the times she was intimate with him. She said she cannot be with him anymore as it hurts her too much to see him in pain and wants a divorce. The guy is in shambles.
 

RickTheToad

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I have IBS, and very severely. It's an awful thing to have to live with. @markfromeurope described it pretty well. It's a life of torturous pain, inconvenience and embarrassment. It affects literally every aspect of life. Just going out on a date with a new woman is usually torture. The thing about IBS is that when you feel the urge to evacuate, you can't hold it back like normal people can. That's why you need to know where the bathroom is wherever you go, and you need to hope there's an open stall when the time comes. Imagine dating with that kind of pressure.

Thankfully, my fiance is completely OK with it, and in fact she admires me for the way I handle it. Even something as hideous as IBS can be leveraged in your favor if you have solid character in her eyes.
Sorry to hear dude. I feel awful for your guys. I know he said he cannot evacuate, as you put it, unless he's at home or by himself on vacation. She'd go out in the early morning for a couple of hours and he'd do his thing. I guess, since I am an EMT, he didn't mind sharing this with me. As for medical issues, I do not judge. Especially when someone had no control over it.

I know of many ladies with IBS diarrhea version. Their dudes seem okay and stay with them. I wonder why it's not inkind when the roles are reversed. As for this dude, he's a sold 8+, and everyone see's ladies look at him. However, he says he knows, but with my medical issues, my SMV is down to a 2. Eventually, I (he) has to eject them or things break off because he doesn't let anyone in. Case in point, he's embarrassed and doesn't see a solution. He only eats when necessary, and when he has to go long distances, coffee only, no foods. I can understand why he feels drained. Seems like one who has IBS needs to have as little stress as possible. Yet, the fear and threat of an IBS attack or just moving one's bowels is enough to cause said stress. Seems like like a catch-22.
 

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It really is a catch-22. The most difficult thing to overcome with this disease is, how can one feel in control of their lives, when they cannot even control their bowels?

The other side of it is the fatigue. It absolutely drains you. I believe the fatigue is just another symptom of the disease, as is the diarrhea. In other words, the fatigue is not caused by the diarrhea but rather is another symptom of whatever the underlying disease really is.

A third downside is that people who suffer with this simply have less practice in their lives to socialize, so they tend to be under-calibrated, and hence, they can seem a little strange. It tends to be a very lonely challenge. I'm very thankful that I've been able to overcome it as much as I have, though it still causes me massive suffering.

That's why I say, gents, that if I can straighten out my life with so many odds against, so can anybody. It takes a fierce will and a fierce determination to act "as if", no matter how bad or un-confident you might feel.
 

markfromeurope

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Feel for you @Atom Smasher, IBS-D is hell.

Thankfully I have IBS-C not D but it doesn't matter when it comes to dealing with women - if you rent a room for holidays, its almost impossible to hide you are sick. That's why I'm going into sphere of denial with it now:

"No honey, I just LOVE to read books when I take a cra.p"
 
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