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Wife cheated on me....need advice.

Glassguy

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No you're just finding reasons to stay. If the two of you separating your lives is waking out on your kids in your eyes, I strongly disagree. But it's going to happen eventually whether you like it or not. Right now she is only fvcking other people. Before long she will want to live with one. That means you're out whether you like it or not.

Be a man for your kids sake, for your sake and your kids will appreciate it later. It doesn't matter about disabilities or not, you are only prolonging the inevitable. Divorce or you being a miserable doormat while your wife fvcks around. That's your choice.

Your lawyer told you not to leave the situation? I'd be getting another lawyer. A good one would tell you to get out of that terrible environment before something really bad happens when one of you snap.
 

CMNILS87

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No need to throw insults at somebody going through an already difficult situation. Do you have a severely disabled child? Does your child have OCD, anxiety, and literally ask you thousands of repetitive questions starting at 6am everyday? I guess guys like you can just take a sh*t on your kids and just walk out. Like it or not she's their mother, so I'll be dealing with her for the rest of my life.

I already talked to a lawyer who warned me not to leave the house, as it will work against me in any divorce settlement. I also have $20k in CC bills in MY name and $0 savings. The lawyer advised me to square away those bills ASAP, as the divorce alone is going to cost $30k or more. Actually I don't have low self esteem, however I'm not c0cky, arrogant, or condescending nor will I ever be. I have several "plates" spinning at all times, I'm in great shape, I have a very respectable career, etc. As I said before, I already got the consensus from the previous posts that I should leave her, however the details of how I do that are unique to my situation, so that's what I need to work out on my own. I wanted to see if anyone had any different advice, but it appears that's not the case. Thanks again.
Kick her out, don't leave your house. She's the cheating slut, she needs to sleep on that couch. If she moves out and you keep the rightful residence and keep the children there. She has less ammo against you. The moment you move out, she takes control and domain over the whole house
 

nikkisixx

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ok dude here it is: shes still your wife, you still want inside her crotch, and shes drifting towards "open relationship" right in front of you. thats not changing because you said so or you have "da p-i game yo" or anything like that. she wants other wang and likes talking to other guys alot. you need other chicks and shes just not that kind of babe never was. be cool with it and talk to other women all the time, shes not growing up anymore shes immature.
 

Killakittie

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You're right.....I'd probably tell a friend to get out. It's interesting to see almost everyone is saying the same, as I thought there'd be a few guys saying I could still recover the marraige. I suspect that it's much worse than I know about, as she's only admitted to things if I confront her with irrefutable evidence, and even then she's defensive. I think she doesn't want to lose me because I'm better with the kids than she is, I take care of the house and yard, I'm good to her, and I watch the kids while she's away on business (16 weeks last year at different 5 star hotels).

I always thought I was alpha, as I'm dominant in a modest/laid back way, but now I realize that I've shown her weakness in the past by allowing this behavior to continue. I also internalized my pain by getting depressed after I kept catching her. I resorted to trying to escape from it rather than confront the issues and make hard choices. I know the reality is that she probably won't change. She's going to see a psycholigist now to "help" her figure out why she did it, but I recently told her that she doesn't need a therapist for that, as she did it because it's what she wanted to do. This wasn't a drunken one night stand, or two people who fall for each other after seeing each other frequently. This was a guy she sought out and "gamed" for sex by telling him she was in a ****ty marraige. She tried to excuse her sexts by saying that she did it for her self esteem, but sexting a divorced male like that is akin to throwing steak in front of a wolf. Of course he's going to bite. The affair itself, the ongoing lies, the neglect for over 2 years, and her lack of effort are telling. I was hoping that there was some way to use "red pill" thinking to turn it around, but it's probably too late for that, as you've all advised me. I'll stay just to get my **** together and make an escape plan, as I know there are attractive women who would go above and beyond to be with me. Regardless, I can't let my happiness be based upon my relationships with women.....

That's also very true about me just moving out, as I'm basically abandoning the house and giving it to her. It sucks, but I may have to cohabitate with her for the time being....
I would like to start by saying i read your first post but i haven't read many other replies, so i will give you my opinion, and where i am in my marriage.

I am under the impression that nothing is technically impossible. Can you save your marriage? To answer that you have to be brutally honest with yourself, can you truly forgive her and trust her again, and is she willing to put her ego and excuses aside, take responsibility, and actively invest serious effort into changing herself for the betterment of your relationship?

Tough question's...But if she is and you can truly forgive her with no grudges i believe it's possible to salvage and rebuild.

Here's the problem...Most, and i mean like damn near all (men and women) who do what your wife did won't or can't accept their responsibility and take ownership of it. She should feel genuinely bad for what she did, not because she got caught, or is embarrassed that it could affect her reputation, no. She should feel bad for hurting you and it should concern her that she would act out in such a ugly, destructive way.

What does she say when you bring it up? ( Again sorry if you already answered) Does she make a comment about how it's somehow your fault? ie (you weren't there for me) (I needed someone to talk to) (I was upset with you) blah blah blah.. These types of answers are indicative of someone who doesn't see the infidelity as wrong, but justified. Your pain and agony are only an uncomfortable side affect of them getting what they want. When you press them to explain why hurting you and cheating is justified they deflect, blame shift, and accuse you of doing the same things, or worse they minimize the severity of your wounds and act indifferent.

Also it's important to note that biologically men have a much more difficult time forgiving their spouses of physical infidelity then women do. Women fear the emotional affair their men could have with another woman more then a physical affair. This is well understood with lot's of research to back it up.

First question is how is your wife acting? She should be hysterical and willing to do anything to prove her worth to you. If she's downplaying it, minimizing your feelings or what happened, or blame shifting it's better for you to divorce and move on.

Second question...If your wife is that rare person who is genuinely sorry, has been completely honest with you about all the details and why she did what she did, and truly wants to expose herself to change for the betterment of your marriage only then can you ask yourself this question.......Can i forgive her? Can i trust her ever again? Will i ever truly get over what she did to the point where when i think about it i have no emotional reaction..

Most men recount that they wish they had left their wives decades ago when she cheated due to never really getting over it. That's what you and myself face. The prospects are slim man it was a fvcked up thing for her to do, but take comfort in knowing it was her choice and not yours. To answer your question frankly..yes it can be saved. But at what cost? Only you can decide if it's possible to save or not based on her actions and you being honest about how you feel long term about it.
 

MrAddiction

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I would like to start by saying
KILLSKITTIE

Can you please please make your reply an own outstanding thread. What you wrote here is golden. It is so Spot on. If you do not make it its own Thread in the tip section - I will do by copy and past with mentioning you as author. This is so important to understand, that most or all women just Do what they want no matter the sideeffects it has and that they cheat and then try to blameshift etc.
All you wrote is golden!
Man must read and know about that stuff before! they even get into such a horrible situation.
With women knowledge is literally Savigny your life, your sanity, yourself.
Most of the time wie come here and get to know about some really important and eye opening stuff, when it is almost to late.
So please make it an own Thread in the tips section to protect men from misery.
A lot of Man Do nor know for example, that women Most of the Time crys in such a Situation only because they got caught and nor because they Do regret what they did to you and your feelings! They could nor care less about your feelings!

So please give it its own thread.

Thanks for that and for Sharing this wisdom!
 

In2theGame

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Damn man, That really sucks for OP. I know the feeling as others on here know the feeling as well. This one is done. If i got done in like this again, Someone's going to have to call an ambulance, She's gonna need it.
 

Boris Rum

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I would like to start by saying i read your first post but i haven't read many other replies, so i will give you my opinion, and where i am in my marriage.

I am under the impression that nothing is technically impossible. Can you save your marriage? To answer that you have to be brutally honest with yourself, can you truly forgive her and trust her again, and is she willing to put her ego and excuses aside, take responsibility, and actively invest serious effort into changing herself for the betterment of your relationship?

Tough question's...But if she is and you can truly forgive her with no grudges i believe it's possible to salvage and rebuild.

Here's the problem...Most, and i mean like damn near all (men and women) who do what your wife did won't or can't accept their responsibility and take ownership of it. She should feel genuinely bad for what she did, not because she got caught, or is embarrassed that it could affect her reputation, no. She should feel bad for hurting you and it should concern her that she would act out in such a ugly, destructive way.

What does she say when you bring it up? ( Again sorry if you already answered) Does she make a comment about how it's somehow your fault? ie (you weren't there for me) (I needed someone to talk to) (I was upset with you) blah blah blah.. These types of answers are indicative of someone who doesn't see the infidelity as wrong, but justified. Your pain and agony are only an uncomfortable side affect of them getting what they want. When you press them to explain why hurting you and cheating is justified they deflect, blame shift, and accuse you of doing the same things, or worse they minimize the severity of your wounds and act indifferent.

Also it's important to note that biologically men have a much more difficult time forgiving their spouses of physical infidelity then women do. Women fear the emotional affair their men could have with another woman more then a physical affair. This is well understood with lot's of research to back it up.

First question is how is your wife acting? She should be hysterical and willing to do anything to prove her worth to you. If she's downplaying it, minimizing your feelings or what happened, or blame shifting it's better for you to divorce and move on.

Second question...If your wife is that rare person who is genuinely sorry, has been completely honest with you about all the details and why she did what she did, and truly wants to expose herself to change for the betterment of your marriage only then can you ask yourself this question.......Can i forgive her? Can i trust her ever again? Will i ever truly get over what she did to the point where when i think about it i have no emotional reaction..

Most men recount that they wish they had left their wives decades ago when she cheated due to never really getting over it. That's what you and myself face. The prospects are slim man it was a fvcked up thing for her to do, but take comfort in knowing it was her choice and not yours. To answer your question frankly..yes it can be saved. But at what cost? Only you can decide if it's possible to save or not based on her actions and you being honest about how you feel long term about it.
Brother, you nailed it very accurately and I am surprised at your level of knowledge when it comes to infidelity, trying to save the marriage and forgiving. I went through the same with my cheating wife, and the most difficult part was to forgive her for physically getting with other men. No matter what I did to forgive and forget, I could not get the thought of my ex wife ****ing other men. It nearly destroyed me, my kids and other family members. Looking back, I should have divorced immediately instead of trying to save the marriage and that's what I suggest to any man who gets cheated on, especially if its physical.
 

MrAddiction

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Looking back, I should have divorced immediately instead of trying to save the marriage and that's what I suggest to any man who gets cheated on, especially if its physical
I think a man will never ever be able to trust a cheating girl/wife again nor getting this picture out of his head. No matter how much he wants to. Thats why you are spot on!
I tried myself but was only a waste of time.
 

Milano

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I think a man will never ever be able to trust a cheating girl/wife again nor getting this picture out of his head. No matter how much he wants to. Thats why you are spot on!
I tried myself but was only a waste of time.
Me too. Simple reason, it is logically impossible. If you want to love someone you must love yourself, if you want to love yourself you must respect yourself. If you accept cheating you dont respect yourself nor love yourself so it is in fact not humanly possible for a woman to respect or love you again.
 

The_Real_Batman

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I told my wife exactly what she has to do to fix things. I've also told her that she has to accept me being completely in control from now on, and that's non-negotiable. She has said she's sorry numerous times, and she's never blamed it on me, but she's still defensive and she isn't crying or begging for forgiveness. She's now seeing a psychologist on a weekly basis, and she said that she understands that she's been compartmentalizing her life as a means of coping, as I have been telling her for a long time. I saw a marriage counselor who said that my wife has also been compartmentalizing her sexuality as well. I understand that someone who has an affair for psychological reasons is most likely to fall back into the same pattern of behavior, so I'm resigned to the fact that the marriage won't last. The fact that she's been with another man bothers me not because I'm jealous or possessive, rather it's extremely disrespectful to me as a man. It's not about fleeing as quickly as possible at this point, it's about leaving the marriage in control and on my terms. Of course I know there's always a way to save things if someone wants it badly enough, but I don't want to be with someone that doesn't want to be with me, and I know that there are other women who will appreciate me more.
 

mrgoodstuff

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I told my wife exactly what she has to do to fix things. I've also told her that she has to accept me being completely in control from now on, and that's non-negotiable. She has said she's sorry numerous times, and she's never blamed it on me, but she's still defensive and she isn't crying or begging for forgiveness. She's now seeing a psychologist on a weekly basis, and she said that she understands that she's been compartmentalizing her life as a means of coping, as I have been telling her for a long time. I saw a marriage counselor who said that my wife has also been compartmentalizing her sexuality as well. I understand that someone who has an affair for psychological reasons is most likely to fall back into the same pattern of behavior, so I'm resigned to the fact that the marriage won't last. The fact that she's been with another man bothers me not because I'm jealous or possessive, rather it's extremely disrespectful to me as a man. It's not about fleeing as quickly as possible at this point, it's about leaving the marriage in control and on my terms. Of course I know there's always a way to save things if someone wants it badly enough, but I don't want to be with someone that doesn't want to be with me, and I know that there are other women who will appreciate me more.
If somehow she see's that her actions hurt her and set her back she may change them. That's why sometimes we have to completely remove support. Emotional, physical and financial. Let them other guys do that stuff. I guarantee you they didn't sign up for all that. They were excited at the prospect of free sex and having another man to have to financially support her and worry about her.
 

Killakittie

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I told my wife exactly what she has to do to fix things. I've also told her that she has to accept me being completely in control from now on, and that's non-negotiable. She has said she's sorry numerous times, and she's never blamed it on me, but she's still defensive and she isn't crying or begging for forgiveness. She's now seeing a psychologist on a weekly basis, and she said that she understands that she's been compartmentalizing her life as a means of coping, as I have been telling her for a long time. I saw a marriage counselor who said that my wife has also been compartmentalizing her sexuality as well. I understand that someone who has an affair for psychological reasons is most likely to fall back into the same pattern of behavior, so I'm resigned to the fact that the marriage won't last. The fact that she's been with another man bothers me not because I'm jealous or possessive, rather it's extremely disrespectful to me as a man. It's not about fleeing as quickly as possible at this point, it's about leaving the marriage in control and on my terms. Of course I know there's always a way to save things if someone wants it badly enough, but I don't want to be with someone that doesn't want to be with me, and I know that there are other women who will appreciate me more.
I think you are on the right track mentally here. It's important to point out that someone who does the worst thing possible to a man such as physically cheating shouldn't and wouldn't be defensive if they were truly sorry for their actions. The fact shes defensive in any capacity is a clear signal that shes not really sorry for her actions, at least not in the capacity she needs to be. She may be sorry for getting caught or suffering the embarrassment of being a cheater, after all no woman wants to be labeled a slvt or *****, but that's her feeling sorry for herself, for the negative feelings shes currently experiencing due to her bruised ego, not for hurting the one person in her life she took vows to honor.

Women can be extremely self centered with an incapacity to feel the pain they have caused others. ( Lack of empathy) Don't mix up them feeling sorry for themselves as feeling sorry for how they made you feel.

I'm very glad you've decided to take the wheel and unwind things in a controlled and stable manner. But be careful telling her she has to accept you being in complete control because that will be interpreted as a signal from you that your going to accept what she did and stay (as long as she behaves). We don't want her to pretend to be in this if she's not (still cheating) and we definitely don't want her modifying her deception to be harder to detect..Trust me with each consecutive (take back) by her man a woman will learn and get better and better at lying and manipulation.
 

Sho-No-Luv

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No need to throw insults at somebody going through an already difficult situation. Do you have a severely disabled child? Does your child have OCD, anxiety, and literally ask you thousands of repetitive questions starting at 6am everyday? I guess guys like you can just take a sh*t on your kids and just walk out. Like it or not she's their mother, so I'll be dealing with her for the rest of my life.

I already talked to a lawyer who warned me not to leave the house, as it will work against me in any divorce settlement. I also have $20k in CC bills in MY name and $0 savings. The lawyer advised me to square away those bills ASAP, as the divorce alone is going to cost $30k or more. Actually I don't have low self esteem, however I'm not c0cky, arrogant, or condescending nor will I ever be. I have several "plates" spinning at all times, I'm in great shape, I have a very respectable career, etc. As I said before, I already got the consensus from the previous posts that I should leave her, however the details of how I do that are unique to my situation, so that's what I need to work out on my own. I wanted to see if anyone had any different advice, but it appears that's not the case. Thanks again.
Ah, careful there bud. He is only trying to wake you up, because you appear to be in a fog. I say "appear" because its either that or you think you're still in love with her. But what you are experinceing now is nothing compared to whats coming if you don't get a hold of your emotions. I've been through seperation and divorce before. And these women will use you till they use you up. I just got finished paying child support late last year for my daughter who I love dearly. I know how hard it is on children and how most men are blindsided by it and quite a few are destroyed!

But this is where now more than ever you have to be strong. Your wife and soon to be ex must become dead to you mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically..

Lets think about this clearly shall we? You admitted that you kissed her. Be honest is this the mark of an intelligent individual? If she is having sex and sucking random coock you could get an std, maybe herpes or something, is this something that you want to happen?

Certainly you should be concerned about your children, but you wanna know something, if you are a mess emontionally how are you going to see about them? You will never be able to detach from her if you keep having sex and physical contact with her. Turn to your plates and sex them up, take out your sexual frustrations that way. We are trying to help you keep from making a bad situation worse. But its your life and your decision, if you refuse to listen then thats on you. But trust us if you don't you will regret it. DO NOT TRY TO RECONCILE WITH HER SHE WILL GET WORSE!!
 

The_Real_Batman

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Very good post Killakittie, as I agree with what you're saying. I've detected a lack of genuine remorse all along, as I first caught her sexting while one of my parents was dying of cancer. We got in a huge fight, and she promised to never talk to him again. Nevertheless she continued to communicate with him, and it ultimately resulted in them having sex. I found her texts and emails 4 separate times, and each time she was more upset about me catching her than what she did. The last time she angrily accused me of "hacking" her phone (which I didn't), and she made reference to how it's "illegal". I offered a divorce or an open marriage just to see what she said, but she told me that she wanted us to stay together and work on the marriage. I can see by her actions/inactions as well as her defensiveness and jealousy that she's not really committed to working on things, which makes my decision even easier. I believe she wants to stay with me because I'm the better and more patient parent, in addition to the fact that I take care of the large house and property that we have (she's said that she doesn't want to lose her "dream house"). I also think she would be humiliated by a 2nd divorce, in addition to the fact that she's in her 50s and no one is going to want to get in a LTR with her. She makes a lot more money than me, but she told me that she couldn't travel for worth without me watching the kids. Overall she has a lot to lose if we get divorced, but I don't get a sense that she would be devastated emotionally. I feel that she's been able to distance herself with her "compartmentalization", in addition to the fact that she checked out years ago before she started the affair. I feel better taking the time to emotionally distance myself and to formulate a plan before I leave.
 

The_Real_Batman

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Ah, careful there bud. He is only trying to wake you up, because you appear to be in a fog. I say "appear" because its either that or you think you're still in love with her. But what you are experinceing now is nothing compared to whats coming if you don't get a hold of your emotions. I've been through seperation and divorce before. And these women will use you till they use you up. I just got finished paying child support late last year for my daughter who I love dearly. I know how hard it is on children and how most men are blindsided by it and quite a few are destroyed!

But this is where now more than ever you have to be strong. Your wife and soon to be ex must become dead to you mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically..

Lets think about this clearly shall we? You admitted that you kissed her. Be honest is this the mark of an intelligent individual? If she is having sex and sucking random coock you could get an std, maybe herpes or something, is this something that you want to happen?

Certainly you should be concerned about your children, but you wanna know something, if you are a mess emontionally how are you going to see about them? You will never be able to detach from her if you keep having sex and physical contact with her. Turn to your plates and sex them up, take out your sexual frustrations that way. We are trying to help you keep from making a bad situation worse. But its your life and your decision, if you refuse to listen then thats on you. But trust us if you don't you will regret it. DO NOT TRY TO RECONCILE WITH HER SHE WILL GET WORSE!!
I've got several women on the side right now so I'm in no fog and I need no wakeup. It was painful over the last few years, but I'm not losing sleep over it anymore. She makes more than 2x as much as me so I'm not worried about paying child support. I'm also not worried about an STD aa I called all her male friends and outed her, not to mention she has absolutely no privacy now. I'm leaving in a controlled manner and on my terms.
 

Sho-No-Luv

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I've got several women on the side right now so I'm in no fog and I need no wakeup. It was painful over the last few years, but I'm not losing sleep over it anymore. She makes more than 2x as much as me so I'm not worried about paying child support. I'm also not worried about an STD aa I called all her male friends and outed her, not to mention she has absolutely no privacy now. I'm leaving in a controlled manner and on my terms.
Whatever you say pal:rolleyes:
 

Glassguy

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Just stay in the marriage Batman. That's what you sound like you want to do. All signs from your responses point to that.

Just know that right NOW you can leave on your terms and go through SOME heartache before you rebound.

Unfortunately you're going to leave later on HER terms and you'll have more wasted time and be way more fvcked up mentally when she writes the rules.

Sorry if honestly is insulting, but if you just want to debate with the masses when they tell you the same thing , go find another playground.
 
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