What is this lady after? Is she tying to use me?

[The Grue]

I frequent this bar which is more of a late night place so I usually go around 1am or so.
About a month and a half ago a new bar woman(Amy,29) starts working there.
The DJ who works there on Fridays is a friend(Chris) and he tells me about Amy and recommends I check her out on Thursday(she DJ's there on Thursdays instead of tending the bar.
So I pop in one Thursday about a month ago. Chris introduces me to Amy who is quite attractive and plays good tunes. Chris tells me that he is also "working" on her and getting results. Chris is 30 has a GF(Sandra, who I am acquainted with).
Anyway, as time passes I become friendlier with Amy and she requests friendship on FB.
We have a lot in common, enjoy talking at the bar and exchanging messages on FB from time to time.
During a conversation, we exchange numbers and Amy mentions going out to dinner sometime.

Last Friday I go to the bar for a late drink. Amy biatches a bit about why I didn't come hear her play the previous night and goes on about how she had songs just for me.It was a bit slow, and we talked on and off during the night. There was touching by both of us and she was flirty saying that she could teach me "stuff" if I wanted. I asked what kind of lessons she had in mind and she replied "Oh, I don't know...".

Last night(Saturday) I go to the bar late after a party. Chris is working and so is Amy.
I hadn't seen Chris for some time, so we greet each other and he says that he has sort of broken up with Sandra. However, I feel a bit of tension between him and Amy. When Amy sees me she says "I'm really glad you came.." I sit close to her at the bar, listen to some tunes, and talk with my buds a bit. Again, I talk with Amy on and off and she starts hitting me with weird stuff. About how she is stressed with decisions she has to make and how people disappoint her. She is talking in such abstracts that I just make fun and tell her to solve the problems by flipping a coin. She says she doesn't want to hurt people she has feelings for. When I reply that I have no idea what she is going on about, she answers "You know everything!". Then she again mentions maybe getting together some evening over dinner on days she doesn't work. I tell her that we'll talk and we may do it this week or the next.
BTW, before the night ends she kisses me in a friendly yet emphatic way in front of Chris but I then see them holding hands for a bit.

So , here are my questions.

What is going on with this woman?
Is she just using me to try to get Chris jealous?
She knows Chris and I are friends(not close ones though).
Does she want to go out with me as "friends" or does she possibly want to use me to find out stuff about Chris?
Finally, do I go out with her and see what is up or just let it go?

Thanks for reading guys

 

[jophil28]

What is going on with this woman?
Is she just using me to try to get Chris jealous?
She knows Chris and I are friends(not close ones though).
Does she want to go out with me as "friends" or does she possibly want to use me to find out stuff about Chris?
Finally, do I go out with her and see what is up or just let it go?

Thanks for reading guys

She is working both of you ..women are experts at this game. Whatever happens in the end ,she wins and one of you loses.

Grue, you had her to yourself and you dithered around - she was sending you buying signals. Why didn't you take her when she offered it.

He who hesitates may not be entirely lost, but he certainly loses ground.

 

[Dust 2 Dust]

She gave you mega buying signals and you didn't pounce. She's now moving onto someone else. You should have sealed the deal when she wanted to go out to dinner, but your wishy washy behavior is causing this ship to sail.

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear Grue,
It is many years since the whiff of a Barmaids apron did anything for me....What a waste of time and a Health risk to boot...If there is one thing more stupid than chasing women in bars its chasing someone behind the Bar.

 

[nismo-4]

TL;DR!

You had the iron hot! Why didn't you strike? Well, since you didn't strike, she's moving on to a man who will.

Read my sig.

 

[Greasy Pig]

If you can fvck her, do it but don't sell your soul just to get the chance. She's holding hands with her workmate so maybe she's just trying to either LJBF you or using you to drive the other dude wild.
I fall in love with barmaids every week but I resist hitting on them because I'd rather drink at the bar with no awkwardness than go in there hoping she's not working that night.

 

[The Grue]

I agree that there were buying signals but my friendship with Chris was enough to stop me. This woman strikes me as very impulsive. I am pretty sure we are still on for dinner if I call; I don't think anything has been lost. My main concern is an ethical one but seeing the type of woman Amy is, I don't really think she can remain with a guy for long....the problem may actually solve itself....

 

[jonwon]

I agree that there were buying signals but my friendship with Chris was enough to stop me. This woman strikes me as very impulsive. I am pretty sure we are still on for dinner if I call; I don't think anything has been lost. My main concern is an ethical one but seeing the type of woman Amy is, I don't really think she can remain with a guy for long....the problem may actually solve itself....

Your friend was in a relationship, you had a perfect opportunity, why did you put chris before yourself? It's too late now, she showed signs of effection to him, if anything she'll just play you both at this stage.

But if Chris is any kind of friend when she dropped the buying signals to you, if you would have followed up, he should have stepped back, for you to think you had to sacrifice the situation for your friend so soon, tells me there is a definate power play shift here, Chris has a hold over you, your a followerer, that much is clear.

You know, standing at the front of the line in battle will only get you shot. Thats why the leaders stand at the back.

Your actions have done nothing but make you have negative feelings and question the interection, your sacrifice for your so called noble cause has done fuc*ing nothing but to pis* off your inner core.

Next time start thinking about your self, there is nothing wrong with that.

Chris had a GF, this girl offered you buying signals, you rejected her because your friend said he's been working on her, if he was a friend he would have stepped back when she came onto you, especcially if you capatlized on it.

I get this all the time when I am out with a close friend on mine, if the girl he is talking to likes me, he backs off (it is painfully aware she is coming onto me, with him being try hard, he will back out of the situation) - What I dont do, is reject her and push her onto him - I take total and utter advantage, likewise for him - I used to do that when I was a nice guy with you making sacrifices, what that rewarded me was blue balls whilst my so called mate was fuc*ing the chicks in the other room from me. But your friend is too invested now, you will damage the friendship by making a move, you failed to act at a key moment.

 

[squirrels]

TL;DR!

You had the iron hot! Why didn't you strike? Well, since you didn't strike, she's moving on to a man who will.

Read my sig.

I don't know what TL;DR is, but I agree with everything else.

Women are sometimes subtle when they "green-light" you. If you fail to recognize it and don't move when they signal, they will become self-conscious (I gave him the chance and he didn't go for it...does he think I'm ugly?) or frustrated. (Why isn't he making a move? I'm wasting my time with him. I'm not gonna THROW myself at him in an obvious way...he'll think I'm a slvt. I'll find a man who CAN read my signs!)

What happened last Friday? If you HAD an opportunity (bear in mind, barmaids are master flirters), it was then.

Chris is gonna be ON that, now, if he's smart.

 

[The Grue]

Thing is...she is still expecting a call to for us to do something either Tue or Wed. So I think I will just call and set up a meet and see how things go...

 

[squirrels]

Thing is...she is still expecting a call to for us to do something either Tue or Wed. So I think I will just call and set up a meet and see how things go...

Odds on flaking, anyone?

If she doesn't, when you go out with her, be on the lookout for any and all opportunities to "physically escalate".

 

[jophil28]

Thing is...she is still expecting a call to for us to do something either Tue or Wed. So I think I will just call and set up a meet and see how things go...

FINALLY, some possible action from our main man.

Report back soldier, with a FR.

 

[jophil28]

Chris introduces me to Amy who is quite attractive and plays good tunes. Chris tells me that he is also "working" on her and getting results.

This was when Chris tried to cuckblock you, and you fell for it.

 

[Reyaj]

What I don't get it is didn't Chris ask you to meet this girl?

 

[Kailex]

What I don't get it is didn't Chris ask you to meet this girl?

THANK YOU.

I was hoping someone would get to that point. He wanted you to meet her and then he "pissed on her" (figuratively speaking) while in a relationship in order to mark her territory?

Look, Grue, as I have said MANY times before... bartenders are not to be taken seriously, and as such, you should approach the situation with reckless abandon as long as you understand what is going on.

She's definitely playing both of you, but she was hoping you would be playing her.

That being said, if you ask her out and she actually doesn't flake, then escalate. That's all she wants.

And when I was a bartender, I would "kino" my workmates. It didn't mean anything, but I'd be lying if I said that I never took any of the waitresses or female bartenders to the back rooms once or twice.

 

[The Grue]

Well , we talked and it is on for tomorrow night. She mentioned some plan but quickly added that she can do that some other time. Seems eager enough, but flaking is always a possibility.
Concerning Chris's behavior, he didn't go out of his way to get me to meet her. I think he understood that I would meet her in any case and just played it cool.
He certainly did mark his territory but that is not unreasonable, I mean he did meet her first and he HAD made headway with her...
In all honesty, I think she and Chris are seeing each other and having sex.
However, I also believe that she is OK sleeping with other guys. Plus, she is a wild child and has seen Chris fooling around with other women...so she probably doesn't trust him all that much...

 

[xblitz44x]

Maybe she's using you to make your buddy jealous. Maybe she's wild and wants the both of you. Maybe she's into you and is using Chris to make you jealous. Nobody knows for sure. The only way to find out is to do what she told you to do, ask her to dinner. Stop meeting with her when she's working. It's hard to get a feel for her true intentions when she's at her place of work; especially when that place happens to be a bar.

So, she's given you more than enough signals. Pull the trigger. You have nothing to lose. Give her the benefit of the doubt. Don't play a game that may not even exist.

 

[The Grue]

This is getting weird....
Amy sends me a message says she is upset because someone she cares about lied to her. She says she wants to confront this person tomorrow to decide whether or not to part ways....
She then asks if we can re-schedule dinner for Wednesday, same time.
She says a day will help her calm down.
However, if I can't do it on Wednesday, she says will come as planned on Tuesday because she "really wants to see me".

Kailex's words about barwomen are starting to ring very true....
I really have no idea what is going on here with this chick...
All sorts of signals are going off in my head...
What do I do here?
Accept to change to Wednesday or
hold her to the Tuesday date or
just cancel altogether for a future date(maybe next week)?

Seems to me as if she just threw a "LJBF" curveball by bringing up a "person she cares about"... sort of like telling me that she will do the date but I shouldn't try anything funny....
Then again, she is emotionally messed up so who knows what is going on in her mind?
Need help guys....

 

[jophil28]

This is getting weird....
Amy sends me a message says she is upset because someone she cares about lied to her. She says she wants to confront this person tomorrow to decide whether or not to part ways....
She then asks if we can re-schedule dinner for Wednesday, same time.
She says a day will help her calm down.
However, if I can't do it on Wednesday, she says will come as planned on Tuesday because she "really wants to see me".

.

IF she "really wanted to see you" she would not even mention the problem with her 'friend'.

This woman is already trying to draw you into bending and molding youself and your plans around her drama with someone ,"she cares about " .This a typical AW frame grab and it is also classic HPD behavior at its finest !
She wants you to plead with her to keep the original date arrangements just to bloat her ego.

Cut this crap before you get sucked in further.

IF you have the brass nuts , I would call her faked up dramatics by sending her this text," Go see your friend. Dinner some other time."

I guarantee thet she will call you almost immediately and tell you that she and her 'friend ' can sort out their differences another time, and she would prefer to go out with you.

You just got repossession of the frame.

 

[jophil28]

Seems to me as if she just threw a "LJBF" curveball by bringing up a "person she cares about"... sort of like telling me that she will do the date but I shouldn't try anything funny....
Then again, she is emotionally messed up so who knows what is going on in her mind?
Need help guys....

Not quite a LJBF speech. MY guess is that Amy is a hardcharging mindfvcker who compulsively creates petty rivalry between men who show interest in her.
The womanspeek translation of "a person I care about" is this - " You have competition and i love it when men fight over me. Have at it, boys."