Plinco
Master Don Juan
- Joined
- Oct 29, 2008
- Messages
- 2,908
- Reaction score
- 1,802
- Age
- 42
Part One, The Symptom:
When I say special, I mean it. As far as I know, I’m the first person who has ever made the following mistake. Back in April of 2020 I married a woman whom I was not attracted to in the sexual or romantic sense. For the first six months I suspected that the problem was me and the chaos that 2020 was to so many others. After all, stress reduces the sex drive. After the dust settled, I realized that wasn’t the problem.
Part Two, Asking The Wrong Question:
This was a woman whom I was intellectually compatible with, was a virgin, not bad looking according to others, and was 11 years younger than me. I couldn’t figure out why I wasn’t attracted to her. I spent the next several months carefully examining my motives, convictions, thoughts, feelings, etc. It took a long time. It was an opportunity to correct certain thought patterns I’ve had my whole life. However it eventually became clear that asking, “what’s wrong with me, I should like X” was in fact the wrong question. The question I should have been asking was, “Why did I marry a woman who I wasn’t attracted to?”
Part Three, Asking The Right Question:
So why did I marry this woman if I was not attracted to her? If I had a degree of abundance beforehand, then why did I do it? I did not get married for sex, or love. I did it to ‘accomplish’ something. Sure it was in my interest to accomplish a wife and family, and I thought good things about her, but I failed to consider how I felt about her.
Part Four, The Solution:
At this point, I knew the solution was to end it as soon as possible. The problem was that she did not want to end the sham marriage. Why? She felt embarrassment and shame. She felt that her inability to attract me meant that she was less of a woman, and to divorce would be a final admission to that fact. However I knew that the longer this went on, the more legal power she would have to divorce rape me so I knew that the sooner I got the divorce the better. I had a few discussions with her and eventually convinced her that a divorce should be in order. She would make a promise to agree to a no fault divorce on the condition that she found a job and saved some money. I said that’s fine, I’ll wait it out and avoid the contested divorce. Then her demands changed, and then it became some money plus a car. Again, I said that’s okay, I’ll even help you find a car. After I waited for her to save her money to buy a car, I haggled a good deal on a Ford Escape. Then the goal post moved again, and it was a car, and 10K in the bank, and she was still trying to convince me that I needed to solve my “problem” of not finding her attractive. I thought to myself, “yeah… no.” She was dragging it out longer than it needed to, so I had an idea to end it psychologically for her. I cheated on her and made sure she found out. Boom! Problem solved! She finally agreed to the no fault divorce. She was upset, I was not happy that she was upset, but I was happy that she finally un-clinged off of me. I guided her past her delusions by asking her questions and stating the facts about our relationship.
Part Five, Observations I Made About Other People:
An observation I’ve made is that when people give advice, often they are doing one of two things; either projecting their own interests onto others, or giving out the exact advice that they themselves should be following. A few members on this forum said that I should stay married to this wonderful lady; these people were coming from a scarcity mindset. Some of the people I talked to also said that I should stay unhappily married; for them, it was about control of me, needless to say that they are no longer my friends.
Part Six, Lessons I Have Learned:
“Only the man who extols the purity of love devoid of desire, is capable of the depravity of a desire devoid of love.”
Ayn Rand, Atlas Shrugged
Most of the time I’m unaware of how I feel about something. I’m in tune with what and how I think about something, but I don’t pay much attention to how I feel. I’m not an emotional person, so much that in fact that I don’t relate to people in general. However, just because you are not aware of something, that doesn’t mean that it doesn’t affect you. So I had to start paying closer attention to how I feel about matters. In doing so, I’m learning how to be properly selfish. Of course emotions are not to be acted on, however I got to where I ended up because I did not pay enough attention to how I felt about the whole thing.
Emotions are indicators, or approximations of one’s relationship with reality and they mean something to the person feeling them. Logic is the means of identifying reality, but without emotional consideration, one cannot effectively act selfishly.
When I say special, I mean it. As far as I know, I’m the first person who has ever made the following mistake. Back in April of 2020 I married a woman whom I was not attracted to in the sexual or romantic sense. For the first six months I suspected that the problem was me and the chaos that 2020 was to so many others. After all, stress reduces the sex drive. After the dust settled, I realized that wasn’t the problem.
Part Two, Asking The Wrong Question:
This was a woman whom I was intellectually compatible with, was a virgin, not bad looking according to others, and was 11 years younger than me. I couldn’t figure out why I wasn’t attracted to her. I spent the next several months carefully examining my motives, convictions, thoughts, feelings, etc. It took a long time. It was an opportunity to correct certain thought patterns I’ve had my whole life. However it eventually became clear that asking, “what’s wrong with me, I should like X” was in fact the wrong question. The question I should have been asking was, “Why did I marry a woman who I wasn’t attracted to?”
Part Three, Asking The Right Question:
So why did I marry this woman if I was not attracted to her? If I had a degree of abundance beforehand, then why did I do it? I did not get married for sex, or love. I did it to ‘accomplish’ something. Sure it was in my interest to accomplish a wife and family, and I thought good things about her, but I failed to consider how I felt about her.
Part Four, The Solution:
At this point, I knew the solution was to end it as soon as possible. The problem was that she did not want to end the sham marriage. Why? She felt embarrassment and shame. She felt that her inability to attract me meant that she was less of a woman, and to divorce would be a final admission to that fact. However I knew that the longer this went on, the more legal power she would have to divorce rape me so I knew that the sooner I got the divorce the better. I had a few discussions with her and eventually convinced her that a divorce should be in order. She would make a promise to agree to a no fault divorce on the condition that she found a job and saved some money. I said that’s fine, I’ll wait it out and avoid the contested divorce. Then her demands changed, and then it became some money plus a car. Again, I said that’s okay, I’ll even help you find a car. After I waited for her to save her money to buy a car, I haggled a good deal on a Ford Escape. Then the goal post moved again, and it was a car, and 10K in the bank, and she was still trying to convince me that I needed to solve my “problem” of not finding her attractive. I thought to myself, “yeah… no.” She was dragging it out longer than it needed to, so I had an idea to end it psychologically for her. I cheated on her and made sure she found out. Boom! Problem solved! She finally agreed to the no fault divorce. She was upset, I was not happy that she was upset, but I was happy that she finally un-clinged off of me. I guided her past her delusions by asking her questions and stating the facts about our relationship.
Part Five, Observations I Made About Other People:
An observation I’ve made is that when people give advice, often they are doing one of two things; either projecting their own interests onto others, or giving out the exact advice that they themselves should be following. A few members on this forum said that I should stay married to this wonderful lady; these people were coming from a scarcity mindset. Some of the people I talked to also said that I should stay unhappily married; for them, it was about control of me, needless to say that they are no longer my friends.
Part Six, Lessons I Have Learned:
“Only the man who extols the purity of love devoid of desire, is capable of the depravity of a desire devoid of love.”
Ayn Rand, Atlas Shrugged
Most of the time I’m unaware of how I feel about something. I’m in tune with what and how I think about something, but I don’t pay much attention to how I feel. I’m not an emotional person, so much that in fact that I don’t relate to people in general. However, just because you are not aware of something, that doesn’t mean that it doesn’t affect you. So I had to start paying closer attention to how I feel about matters. In doing so, I’m learning how to be properly selfish. Of course emotions are not to be acted on, however I got to where I ended up because I did not pay enough attention to how I felt about the whole thing.
Emotions are indicators, or approximations of one’s relationship with reality and they mean something to the person feeling them. Logic is the means of identifying reality, but without emotional consideration, one cannot effectively act selfishly.
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