What do I do about this (Been seeing a girl with bf/She says she will leave him/Sex)

[bobbates]

Ok seems i got this all a bit wrong - I said this isn't a game anymore and now we have crossed this line its wrong for you to stay with him because your not only hurting me but also him if you stay - and it will all come out in the end - it always does.

She says she knows she has to end it now (although when shes ready) I said its better to do it sooner rather than later because you aint that sort of girl who would drag it out and hurt someone more right?

I don't really know whats going to happen now but apparentlly she is going to end things with him - but not jump straight into a relationship with me because she got her heart broken last time she did that.

I said thats fine i never expected that anyway and don't think its a good idea.

No point me just disapearing now? I mean she knows she has to end things now and also I thought she was saying she wouldnt but thats not what she is saying - she is saying she wont just be jumping straight into a relationship with me.

I feel like shes right on a balance atm - I would have walked if she said she wasnt going to leave him now - but seems i was mistaken.

Lol for all the call i was saying - this aint even about me anymore its about are you gonna do this to him and then it all blows up on you?

Litterlly was definding him the whole time - was that a good move?

I didnt get emotional or needy i just said how i think it is wrong to drag it out with him now whats happend had happend.

BobBates

P.S. I don't see how they could be sleeping together (I know her whole schedule / and we spend all our free time together on webcam / and when i put it in her i could tell she hadnt had sex for months if not a year) - She doesnt want to be with him and is scared of being on her own / that im gonna hurt her - apart from this everything else (and i mean everything) shows high interest level.

I know normally this would all be b.s. etc - but the girl is really scared im gonna mess her about (even though shes messing me about with this tbh)...

Do you think I should wait a bit (im supposed to see her next month) and then if nothing has changed by then refuse until it has? should i tell her why?

That would mean - No more sex (I know she said that but I doubt it would happen in reality) / Does sex not make a woman more attached?

Each time we see each other she likes and trusts me more.

Agh what a mess.

Bobbates

 

[bukowski_merit]

Well good luck.

This sounds like a HUGE mess and a half....

I don't normally give people advice to read a book. But there's a book called "Manual of Seduction" by Franco (a lot of it is about psychology of women and how most men get it wrong; it's not really about pickup). Very easy to get for free and very easy to read.... Read it... And learn from the mistakes you've already made....

PS: She won't jump right into a relationship with you, because she doesn't intend to. Primairly because you've been the woman in this "relationship". You've been the pusher.

Let her breathe

 

[sylvester the cat]

This thread is awesome.

P.s. how can you tell whether or not she's had someone's c0ck inside her???

 

[bobbates]

Normally I would think the same thing but I've seen it for myself - litterlly every guy she has been with has broken her heart - all of them without fail.

She is now scared to high heaven I am going to do that which is why she is reluctant.

She defo isnt sleeping with anyone (as i say I can tell)

She said even once she has broken things off with him she will still be faithful to me as she is now and is only coming to me.

Its all totally fear based, I understand she has had a bad time with guys before but im not going to hurt her.

I have decided though she can't drag this out too long because it will show me she only thinks of her own feelings and no-one elses - im hoping that does not happen though because wow that will make me feel a lot differentlly about her. I know you all think im stupid beliving it all - but I see it in her a lot that she means it.

What we did prob should not have happend - but it has - and her actions from now on will tell me a lot.

defo dont see her in a months time unless its sorted by then? - no sex / no trust or comfort building like that though which is whats holding her back.

I really want to see her though and i think it would help her get closer to me - on the other hand though I think this all needs to be sorted one way or the other soon.

Pressuring her does not seem to help - but neither does not pressuring her (well she says it does)...

Is this a good plan (For now) - Stop pressuring her and say more things like - I dont want to force you into anything I just think its the right thing to do now.

She says she does not have feelings for the guy and does for me but is scared of being hurt again - is there any way of me finding out if she does or does not have feelings for him and thats why she wont leave or if its really that shes scared?

Also I dont want to go back to no sex (no way) she is the best i've ever had - and apparentlly I am for her. and it seems like a step backwards.

sylvester the cat: I can tell because she is so tight there - Theres naturally tight (which she is as well) and so tight theres no way anything could have been in there for ages - its hard to explain the difference its more a subconcious thing I can tell now from being with girls - its way more than just naturally tight - she is and also could not have been ****ed recientlly its so much.

Bobbates

 

[Night-hawk]

Don't you guys ever get tired of playing relationship tag.

Bag her. Tag her. Drag her on...or drag her out. Then go play basketball, or hot wheels, or whatever gives you real happiness and peace of mind, and enjoy your freedom.

 

[El Suave]

she is scared she will end up on her own if she does that and needs to be sure of my feelings and that she can trust me......she keeps saying its the distance (which I can sort but have not yet) and also that shes so scared she will end up alone

She is making you see her as this angel, pure and innocent that is afraid to be alone cause everybody is out to get her. BS. Why would a normal adult be afraid of being alone? This to me spells that she is constantly seeking male attention.

Now we have slept together does this change anything at all or not?

Yes it does. Up until know you were the backup and now the other guy is. You are the main man. Don't be too happy about it, you can easily be replaced anytime.

I mean the guy litterlly doesnt cuddle her / kiss her - show any emotions at all - treats her like a friend and so does she because of it - but she will won't leave him for some reason

Think about why she won't leave him. She know she deserves to be treated that way and nothing more. Insecurity! Run from insecure women, they are trouble.

I don't think she would be doing any of this if he actually had shown her some emotions and love - she stuck with him for 6 years before any of this happend.

She stuck with the guy for 6 years cause he treated her like dirt. You don't like hearing that, right? That's how it goes. With you she will last 2 months! Read that again! You're a good guy, with a good heart and you need to understand that women say that's what they want but they never go for it. They love the guy that puts them in their place and gives them security along with insecurity. You only provide security, which should be awesome, but women are nucking futs and don't know what they want.

Her: I said I am doing it, Just please dont bug me about it all the time, I know what im doing so thats it - I love you"

Me: Ok its just the right thing to do now is all im saying, Plus im hoping your not capible of staying with someone after thats happend (sex), It would be really bad to do that, Really hope thats not who you are.

Here, you are begging her to leave the other guy and be with you. Deep down inside you have a feeling that she is still sleeping with him. Don't beg, and trust your gut. Trust what it says to you right now.

But she is scared to leave him and does not like the distance - yet they do nothing together and we do.

Again you believe when she says she is scared and she is an angel. STOP believing what women say and LOOK at her actions. You are being played my friend. Keep telling yourself they do nothing together and you do. I was the other guy that treated the girl like dirt for 6 years. You know why? Not because I liked it and I'm a maniac, but because everytime I was being good to her she was acting like a b*tch. When I treated her just like a c*mbucket she cooked for me, cleaned, and never argued. I also didn't take her anywhere, but to bed. She complained to everybody how bad I treat her, even to my parents. I would just laugh cause she always came back.
You know how I got rid of her? I told her I love her. Within a few months she found somebody else. I kinda had a feeling it was going to go down that way and I let it happen, because I want to be with a normal person and not somebody that I have to be an a**hole to, to keep them around.
Might want to reflect a little on what I said here and always look at her actions and NOT what she says.

Geez, you got me to write a lot....

 

[abe0]

I have tears in my eyes...

Reading this really exemplifies what a man should not do. Please listen...you asked advice...listen to it. Get balls, wish her well, get her out of your mind, and move on to someone else. Please please please.....listen to these guys before she pussifies you even more. Abe

 

[Trump]

Is this a good plan (For now) - Stop pressuring her and say more things like - I dont want to force you into anything I just think its the right thing to do now.

She says she does not have feelings for the guy and does for me but is scared of being hurt again - is there any way of me finding out if she does or does not have feelings for him and thats why she wont leave or if its really that shes scared?

Also I dont want to go back to no sex (no way) she is the best i've ever had - and apparentlly I am for her. and it seems like a step backwards.

If she says she has feelings for the other guy, you say "OK"
If she says she doesn't want to be hurt again, you say "Ill treat you like I would any other woman"
If she doesn't want to have sex, you say "OK, I don't want to force you to anything." And then disappear.

As long as you are having sex with her and don't get emotionally invested, you are fine.

 

[sylvester the cat]

sylvester the cat: I can tell because she is so tight there - Theres naturally tight (which she is as well) and so tight theres no way anything could have been in there for ages - its hard to explain the difference its more a subconcious thing I can tell now from being with girls - its way more than just naturally tight - she is and also could not have been ****ed recientlly its so much.

Bobbates

More a subconscious thing? How's that then? This very much sounds like wishful thinking to me.

 

[bobbates]

I have decided to meet her 3 more times (over 3 months) which makes it a year since we first met in real life - then if she is still not single say this is the last chance now - and if she says about more time etc to just go.

That way she has her "time" i know i tried - and one way or another I wont be in this mess anymore.

after that when she starts the whole contacting me thing I will say "I dont wanna talk to you until your single" and when she says just friends then? I will say "No friends don't hurt each other like you did - contact me if your ever single - goodbye"

Then ignore everything exepct 'i broke up with him' and also would then need some sort of proof because of all this.

If she is not willing to do that then I will just say goodbye - friends and everything.

I'll let you know what happens or if this changes before then.

Either way I'm willing to make it a full year (thats enough of a chance tbh) then im seriouslly done with it all because I am going mad inside.

BobBates

 

[user name]

I have decided to meet her 3 more times (over 3 months) which makes it a year since we first met in real life - then if she is still not single say this is the last chance now - and if she says about more time etc to just go.

That way she has her "time" i know i tried - and one way or another I wont be in this mess anymore.

after that when she starts the whole contacting me thing I will say "I dont wanna talk to you until your single" and when she says just friends then? I will say "No friends don't hurt each other like you did - contact me if your ever single - goodbye"

Then ignore everything exepct 'i broke up with him' and also would then need some sort of proof because of all this.

If she is not willing to do that then I will just say goodbye - friends and everything.

I'll let you know what happens or if this changes before then.

Either way I'm willing to make it a full year (thats enough of a chance tbh) then im seriouslly done with it all because I am going mad inside.

BobBates

The old 'one last chance' tactic, huh? Gets 'em every time.

 

[bobbates]

ok I've thought about it more - Not gonna wait 3 months - She had a chance to end it with him yesterday and didn't - pretty much decided its tonight or never now - no more waiting and delaying - she either wants me or not - scared or not.

ok couple of questions...

1) assuming its all true and shes scared etc - you dont think i should wait those 3 months then see?

2) If she really does love me etc - what should I do? go now? as in right now? Ghost or say something? ideally i wanna make her realise what shes loosing here - and to take action.

3) If i say something what do i say? and then what do i say when she blows my phone up a million times?

4) I want her to realise what shes doing is wrong and to sort it the hell out if she wants me and only me.

5) Failing all that - just let her go? I am sorta ok with now as she has seen the bf yesterday and didnt say or do anything about it all which has pissed me off a lot and made me realise shes not the person I thought she was.

6) I feel guilty leaving her now I've had sex with her - she has major body and trust issues and she will think she was crap in bed and or I didnt like her body and will say that.

7) She is going to ask to stay friends and it won't be long until we "act" like bf/gf again if i do that and then nothing changes.

8) What gives me more chance of this working out for me - waiting? (She seems to get so much closer to me every day and further from him) or ending it? and if i end it what should I tell her and not tell her?

9) If she ****s me over should I tell her bf she slept with me? he prob wouldnt beleve it anyway and she will deny deny deny. - so no point right? and thats a bit below me.

10) Should I block her on everything or leave something open for her to contact me if i end it?

-- The worst thing is - I think she really does love me and not him but has been mucked about too much to beleve it - very sad really - but the pain is too much now - Think she loves me but wont act on it - what do i do with that?

BobBates

 

[user name]

ok I've thought about it more - Not gonna wait 3 months - She had a chance to end it with him yesterday and didn't - pretty much decided its tonight or never now - no more waiting and delaying - she either wants me or not - scared or not.

ok couple of questions...

1) assuming its all true and shes scared etc - you dont think i should wait those 3 months then see?

No.

2) If she really does love me etc - what should I do? go now? as in right now? Ghost or say something? ideally i wanna make her realise what shes loosing here - and to take action.

Right now. Don't say anything unless she contacts you. If she contacts you and you have to say something be honest. You're not interested in girls who cheat on their bfriends because you know if you ever became her bfriend that she would do the same to you.

3) If i say something what do i say? and then what do i say when she blows my phone up a million times?

See above.

4) I want her to realise what shes doing is wrong and to sort it the hell out if she wants me and only me.

She doesn't want you. If she did, you'd be hers by now. You cannot make her realise anything. She has to do that of her own accord. She is more likely to come to this realisation when you are no longer in the picture.

5) Failing all that - just let her go? I am sorta ok with now as she has seen the bf yesterday and didnt say or do anything about it all which has pissed me off a lot and made me realise shes not the person I thought she was.

THis is the first thing you need to do.

6) I feel guilty leaving her now I've had sex with her - she has major body and trust issues and she will think she was crap in bed and or I didnt like her body and will say that.

It takes two to tango. If she's insecure about why you left then that's her problem, not yours.

7) She is going to ask to stay friends and it won't be long until we "act" like bf/gf again if i do that and then nothing changes.

I doubt that that will be possible if you are honest with her. Only if you bvllsh1t her will that be possible.

8) What gives me more chance of this working out for me - waiting? (She seems to get so much closer to me every day and further from him) or ending it? and if i end it what should I tell her and not tell her?

Waiting will prolong the pain. Her getting closer is an illusion. she is no closer or further than the day you met. It is you who is getting closer and more emotionally attached every day.

9) If she ****s me over should I tell her bf she slept with me? he prob wouldnt beleve it anyway and she will deny deny deny. - so no point right? and thats a bit below me.

Absolutely not.

10) Should I block her on everything or leave something open for her to contact me if i end it?

Out of sight, out of mind. Yes. block her if it helps.

-- The worst thing is - I think she really does love me and not him but has been mucked about too much to beleve it - very sad really - but the pain is too much now - Think she loves me but wont act on it - what do i do with that?

Do not make excuses for others. Everybody is responsible for their actions. If she loved you, you would be together. IT's not like she's married, is it?

BobBates

My thoughts in red.

 

[bobbates]

Agree completlly - god how could I be so blind all this time. Im making myself beleve im the prize now and also seeing this for what it is - she doesnt have to treat me like this if she chose not to.

By not making a choice she is choosing him and choosing to hurt me and choosing to have it all her way.

This is not the girl i want to be with - because the girl I want to be with would not hurt me like this.

She either sorts it out tonight (which she wont) or I walk simple as - litterlly the second she says anything other than - yes ill do it now - and then does it - I will be gone.

 

[user name]

Agree completlly - god how could I be so blind all this time. Im making myself beleve im the prize now and also seeing this for what it is - she doesnt have to treat me like this if she chose not to.

By not making a choice she is choosing him and choosing to hurt me and choosing to have it all her way.

This is not the girl i want to be with - because the girl I want to be with would not hurt me like this.

She either sorts it out tonight (which she wont) or I walk simple as - litterlly the second she says anything other than - yes ill do it now - and then does it - I will be gone.

Well, you have to take responsibility for your actions as well. First of all you're messing with a girl who is already in a relationship - naughty, naughty. You're the one who's then allowed her to act like this towards you.

If you allow her to treat you this way then she is just going to continue. give people an inch and they'll take a mile etc...

Take control of the situation and watch people follow. Or not. Who cares? right now you're not in control.

 

[bobbates]

Yeah I do realise I had my part to play in all this as well and allowed it to happen.

Its just she never told me she had a boyfriend - told me im the only one she wants and will leave him and that she loves only me.

I was going with what she said and the way she was with me.

If she meant it all she would have ended it with him yesterday when she had a chance wouldnt she?

Also she would end it later when i talk to her - anything else is not acceptable anymore now.

- i even said to her on the phone earlier - you have got to sort this out and soon - and she just went - hmmmmm...

Bobbates

 

[El Suave]

OP, major turn around from your first post here. Finally you are seeing her for the ho she is. Good job man. Don't waste any more time on her and stop caring about her feelings. She doesn't about yours!

 

[bobbates]

Tbh just can't beleve she would do this to me - she seemed so real - well never gonna make this mistake again - thats for sure!

and yeah I know ok maybe im not as afc as i think - before I would have let her talk me round and then just waited - and waited and waited.

Shes been calling and texting all night - I aint answered any of them.

Now she says she loves me and is worried about me - not enough to not keep me in pain though right?

Bobbates

 

[VladPatton]

And THIS is why you leave girls with husbands/boyfriends the fück alone! You get sucked into a vortex of soap opera drama that dominates your life.

Man, just stop this already and simplify your life! Listen to the veterans. Get out of this büllṣhit love triangle fiasco.

 

[bobbates]

Well ive done it - was so hard - and was very drawn out -

Basiclly she had a go at me for "dropping it on her" straight after work, Then told me she isnt ready yet but she thought she was - i said what happend she said she doesnt know. and it would be best if we were just friends for now. - I couldnt do that and told her that.

I said what do you get out of being with him? and what do you get out of being with me?

She said she does not know to both.

Then I was told im like all the other guys to just **** her off like this - I said I aint done anything but love you but you kept putting me through pain.

I also told her she was immuture with the whole 2 guys thing etc and i have to go.

She said she will do it but doesnt know when - and when she is ready she will not cos i say to.

I said ok i care for you a lot but I have to go now and blocked her on everything.

She said it was cos of the distance - and shes not 100% sure what i think of her.

I just did the only thing i could do and ended it and blocked her.

Timez