What do I do about this (Been seeing a girl with bf/She says she will leave him/Sex)

[bobbates]

Hi,

I am 31 / She is 25 (We are long distance).

Bit of a mad situation i am in atm,

Been talking to this girl online for many years, We got emotionally close, Have met a few times and continue to do so about once a month (its all i can afford atm)...

However she has a boyfriend (But she claims she does not love him anymore, Loves me and wants to be with me)

The thing is, She keeps saying she needs more time (the reasons I have been told is - she is scared she will end up on her own if she does that and needs to be sure of my feelings and that she can trust me)

This has been going on a while now and she keeps saying its the distance (which I can sort but have not yet) and also that shes so scared she will end up alone).

As far as I can tell she is not sleeping with him anymore (or anyone else) - she says this, also I know her schedule and when she is home we are on webcam together the whole time, and he has stopped coming to her house at her request and she has distanced herself a lot from him and no longer goes places with him alone...

Also we have now had sex the last time we met (a few days ago) and I could tell its been a while since anything has been in there - im not sure how just can.


I had been asking her a lot before that to leave him so we can be together properlly but I was just getting "I need time to sort it all out".

-----

Now we have slept together does this change anything at all or not?

She says its made her trust me a lot more and also fall for me more - but she is still with this guy (she has not seen him in person yet, and won't until the weekend - and does not want to do it over the phone or text.

but also has not said when she will do it - just that she will - but I have no time (most probabbly wont be this weekend) - and she said to stop bugging her about it but she will do it)

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I know the standard replys will be - if she did it with you she will do it to you - which is fair enough but I don't think its that simple this time - I mean the guy litterlly doesnt cuddle her / kiss her - show any emotions at all - treats her like a friend and so does she because of it - but she will won't leave him for some reason (distance between us / scared is all I have atm - she litterlly said she feels like she does towards her friends to him - and that she is with him still so she can "say she has a bf"

(I realise thats not the best charictor to have tbh but I do genuinlly think she is scared, every one of her bfs have treated her like s**t and i've seen this for myself)

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The problem is it bugs me a lot - because I do love her (I know) - and I do think she loves me (regardlless of all this) - I just wish she would see sense and just end things with him or tell him what happend.

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I know you will all think it would be a bad idea to have her as a girlfriend but I have gone over all the risks in my head many times and I don't think she would be doing any of this if he actually had shown her some emotions and love - she stuck with him for 6 years before any of this happend.

I think she is with him because she thinks she will end up alone (don't know how when im here) and he is with her so he isn't alone as well.

(also he is local I am not)

-----

Me and her are basiclly in a relationship without the public label (although its not completlly private - and we call eachother bf/gf and say "I love you" and many more things - in fact its a full relationship except for the whole label, and also the fact he is still on the scene - we both conduct ourselves as if we were in a proper relationship - but there is still this thorn in it all.

She has told him she loves me, has said it in front of him, does not say it to him.

We have now had sex but I don't know if she will tell him that - I wish she would end it though especially now.

-----

The whole thing seems rediclous to me now, especially since we are basiclly together and they are not - and she is sleeping with me (it will happen again) and not him, but she can't seem to bring herself to pull the trigger out of fear or guilt.

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Our last convo about it went like this...

Her: I said I am doing it, Just please dont bug me about it all the time, I know what im doing so thats it - I love you"

Me: Ok its just the right thing to do now is all im saying, Plus im hoping your not capible of staying with someone after thats happend (sex), It would be really bad to do that, Really hope thats not who you are.

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Sorry for this post being so long, But I really do want her to be my girlfriend and she (apparentlly) wants that too.

I know its risky as hell which is why I have been watching what shes like apart from this - I do genually trust her at a level of 90% - the other 10% is because now we have done this she needs to show me she won't stay with a guy afterwards (esp since whats happend has happend)

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What do I do or say now? I do feel like she is becoming mine - but also that she may never let go of the other branch - again I know the risks and am comftable with them - I'm not comftable with all this "other bf" stuff though even if it is just a label.

Thank you in advance.

BobBates

TLR...

* Im 31 shes 25

* We are long distance

* She already has a bf but he shows her nothing more than a friend and they don't sleep together

* We both love eachother

* She keeps saying she will end things with him but needs time

* We are in a relationship without the label - we are both only sleeping with each other and do everything else relationship wise

* I know the risks of making her my girlfriend and cheating - and think they are minimal for reasons stated in my post

* What do I do or say now we have had sex? I want her to leave this guy and be mine (bf destroyers dont work - ive tried and she doesnt like him like that anymore anyway) - But she is scared to leave him and does not like the distance - yet they do nothing together and we do.

Thanks again...

BobBates

 

[user name]

So basically she's having her cake and eating it, you mean?

Sure she needs more time. The more time you give her, the more time she has to eat her cake which you are happily providing her. Why should she change things? She's got it all. The security of her boyfriend and the fun she has with you.

I've been here before. Same situation. It didn't end well. I waited around 6 years. Maybe more. The more time I invested the harder it was to drop it. But drop it I had to and finally drop it I did. Now looking back I can see what a waste of time she was.

 

[bobbates]

Well yeah you would think that (and i sorta do) except shes not actually getting much out of not leaving him - no affection, no love, just conveience and social (cos she has a bf) etc.

it does not help shes never left anyone in her life before and / or she has low self esteme.

Whats more amazing is everyone knows about me but she is letting fear get the better of her (or something)

I just wish I knew what I should do to change this.

BobBates

 

[user name]

Well yeah you would think that (and i sorta do) except shes not actually getting much out of not leaving him - no affection, no love, just conveience and social (cos she has a bf) etc.

it does not help shes never left anyone in her life before and / or she has low self esteme.

Whats more amazing is everyone knows about me but she is letting fear get the better of her (or something)

I just wish I knew what I should do to change this.

BobBates

I did this too. Made excuses for her.

Tell me something. When you are thirsty or hungry does fear get in the way of getting a drink or something to eat?

If it does, then you really didn't want or need it anyway.

 

[bobbates]

Well whatever the reasons are - should I keep asking her about it? wait it out for a bit? - I mean atm we have a relationship and they don't - but the labels are mis-matched.

I have noticed over time she is getting closer and closer to me and she is getting more and more distant with him.

I have no way of knowing whats really in her mind - I just don't want this to go on forever...

BobBates

 

[Mike32ct]

"I'm going to leave my bf/fiancé/husband, etc." is the oldest lie in the book.

Cheating affairs often go on for YEARS because of this lie.

 

[Night-hawk]

You should hold on to her until she breaks up with her boyfriend then have fun with her while you go find a better gf then dtb.

My ex did the whole I don't love you anymore gambit while I still kept meeting with her and banging her (while she tells me to call her my slut) all the while her old orbiter guy friend is in the background proclaiming his love for her. **** loving on these girls. Take her piece of the cake a dangle it in front of her.

They are either fat headed or getting fat off all the cake they are getting and eating too.

It's not 'if' it's 'when' with these girls, and ultimately how prepared you are.

 

[bukowski_merit]

you know what builds attraction? Barriers. They're so powerful that PUAs sometimes teach men how to create artificial barriers to build attraction...

You have a distance barrier.
You have another man barrier.

These are two very powerful barriers.


And you want them gone? Really?



Do you know what is most likely going to happen if by some chance she take's away those barriers and becomes yours? In your head: You probably think this maddening love story.

But, it's not going to happen like that.

If I were you - I'd be doing everything in my power to keep them together.




Now.... Are you exclusive to her?

And would you say this woman is better looking than the normal woman you get?

 

[Tictac]

What women (anybody really) say is all but meaningless.

What they do is all that counts..

If you enjoy being strung along, stay.

You do know that you are better than that, right?

 

[JoeMarron]

Stop chasing her. Do not contact her. Do not pursue a relationship. Do not initiate anything with her in anyway. When she contacts you be charming and carefree. When she comes to visit you fvck her silly. Go out and fvck other women. You do all this and I guarantee you she'll be eating out the palm of your hand but you won't even care because you have better things to do. One way or another you're going to learn that pining over a taken chick is utterly ridiculous and a waste of time.

you know what builds attraction? Barriers. They're so powerful that PUAs sometimes teach men how to create artificial barriers to build attraction...

You have a distance barrier.
You have another man barrier.

Interesting. Have you had any long distance fvck buddies and were they more passionate than regular encounters?

 

[bobbates]

So theres no way this will ever go my way? Litterlly 0%?

I would normally agree but I am seeing progress (its just not as fast as id like)

Yes I am exclusive to her and yeah i gotta say shes the best girl i've ever had.

Lets just say for a minute she means it all but is just taking her time (because she is not sure I wont hurt her ever) and is scared because she has been hurt by every other guy she has been with.

What then?

There must be something I can do or say to make her realise once and for all this is all wrong and she needs to sort it out and soon?

Bobbates

 

[user name]

There must be something I can do or say to make her realise once and for all this is all wrong and she needs to sort it out and soon?

Bobbates

Yes. Make like a tree and leave.

 

[bobbates]

Wow the plot thickens...

Just got a text off her...

"I have been thinking all day, next time we meet I will not be doing sex I feel like it was all too rushed"

"I feel pressured now into breaking up with him, i understand thats what you want, I just hope thats not why you did it"

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What do I do now I feel like everything is going too far now and im fed up of waiting and getting hurt and her not changing anything.

---

I have not replied, but she is sure to text or ring me later - and will be online later as well.

Do I not reply? - or do i and say something? if so what?

Do I make sure im not online later and block her on everything?

What i really want is for her to wake up - and me to not loose her - but also to realise this aint funny anymore now.

I dont wanna just walk - but i feel like shes never gonna leave this guy even though she says she is.

Help?!

 

[bukowski_merit]

So theres no way this will ever go my way? Litterlly 0%?

If you push for it and keep questioning her about it - then your chance is low. Nothing is every 0%.

If you play it cool and relax and be flirty and do what Joe said - perhaps a slight increase in the possiblity of her following through!

That's just in her actually leaving him and coming to be with you.... It's even more low in this working out....

I would normally agree but I am seeing progress (its just not as fast as id like)

The sad part is - you believe this!

Nothing will change unless it has to.

And even then - you'll just be playing power games, which are no way to start a fairy tale ending....

Yes I am exclusive to her

And this is why you're so d@mn needy for her! This is why you're being the woman here! You're the one pushing for the relationship. You're the one on here asking for advice. Grab your d@mn balls and go fvck other women.... Or wait..... That would take effort and you'd rather write love letters to a woman who rations out her pvssy to you! You're giving her emotional validation without much in return other than your own emotional validation.

and yeah i gotta say shes the best girl i've ever had.

Which is why i used to love fvcking "taken" women (because the hot ones no longer recognize their value.) But... I kept them away from the heart... I kept them as sexual toys....

Lets just say for a minute she means it all but is just taking her time (because she is not sure I wont hurt her ever) and is scared because she has been hurt by every other guy she has been with.

Let's just say she's a fairy.... Who has wings... And has a magic wand... That can cast spells... And a few of these spells make you believe her bullsh!t.... And she's cast these spells on you... And you're now pulling sh!t out of your ass in defense of what you think is going on....

I've been here lots man. Lots of taken women on my bed post.... And with that experience: I can say you're severly underestimating the emotional effect of you being a forbidden fruit to her....

There must be something I can do or say to make her realise once and for all this is all wrong and she needs to sort it out and soon?

It's not that there isn't... But.... you're incapable of doing them.... they would involve the risk of losing her... And you're not going to do that...

You've been her imaginary boyfriend sharing imaginary love for too long...

 

[bobbates]

No seriouslly after that text I WILL do them - and now (if thats advised?)

- I am willing to walk now tbh (I just dont know if i should just go or say something?)

- If i say something what? I wanna text back saying something like "right tbh i've had enough of the games now so im done - let me know if you sort it ever but im gonna move on now"

Im ready - what do i do - and do i say anything and if so what?

(Read those texts first - I need something amazing to say)

Bobbates

 

[user name]

I need something amazing to say)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PAqxWa9Rbe0

 

[bobbates]

haha no i mean something that will make her realise this is out of order, and if she cares about me at all she will actually sort it, and for her to realise what shes loosing?

Ideally I want to know once and for all what she really thinks - and to make it so she does get rid of this guy if she is just scared to or whatever - I mean maybe she does need time but im done waiting for this now - she either wants to be with me or she dont - usually ill go to leave and she says "omg i am so heartbroken, I can't help being like this and she is going to do it she just needs time" - and then i fall for it because I really do care about her and dont want to 1) Loose her or 2) have her think I dont care when i do

tbh this is just making me wonder who she is - because I didnt think she would string me along after - and would not stay with someone she has cheated on now - and im not gonna lie im gonna be ****ed if she lets me go or she goes - but thats what I have to do right?

I just don't know how to style this out so I leave with a good chance of her coming back and single - if that does not happen so be it but I need to know I tried everything

BobBates

 

[sylvester the cat]

haha no i mean something that will make her realise this is out of order, and if she cares about me at all she will actually sort it, and for her to realise what shes loosing?

Ideally I want to know once and for all what she really thinks - and to make it so she does get rid of this guy if she is just scared to or whatever - I mean maybe she does need time but im done waiting for this now - she either wants to be with me or she dont - usually ill go to leave and she says "omg i am so heartbroken, I can't help being like this and she is going to do it she just needs time" - and then i fall for it because I really do care about her and dont want to 1) Loose her or 2) have her think I dont care when i do

tbh this is just making me wonder who she is - because I didnt think she would string me along after - and would not stay with someone she has cheated on now - and im not gonna lie im gonna be ****ed if she lets me go or she goes - but thats what I have to do right?

I just don't know how to style this out so I leave with a good chance of her coming back and single - if that does not happen so be it but I need to know I tried everything

BobBates

unfortunately there's nothing you can 'say' to make someone realize what it is you want them to realize. They have to come to this realization by themselves. And they can only do that through your 'actions'.

They speak far louder than words as the cliche goes.

 

[bukowski_merit]

haha no i mean something that will make her realise this is out of order, and if she cares about me at all she will actually sort it, and for her to realise what shes loosing?

This... is your problem...

This should not be your goal.

Most of us have been here.... We know what you're feeling, but you need to let go of your desire to know what's going on in her head... Or to know what's going to happen... Or to make her regret not leaving her bf for you.

The best thing you can do is just move on and date other women. Yes that is the medicine here! It's the best perscription there is for this.



Her wanting to not have sex, and her wanting to take it slow now are a result of her feeling like she's already betaized you. AKA: She already has your balls. Her insides are telling her you are not a man. And thare now pushing to betaize you even more. Why? So she gets bored with you and has a reason to blow you out.... So she can move on to the next side boyfriend.... Maybe one who acts like he has a pen!s....

You know that boyfriend? No matter what she says, he once liked doing all those things she talks about that he doesn't do now. But what happened? She betaized him. She got his balls.... And now she's going for yours. And you have let her get them.



You have given her too much without much in return. She cannot respect that!



What should you say?

Well, ultimatums rarely work. Anger is going to get you no where.

She seems very close to shutting this down. Breakup speeches cause resentment ... So it's better to say something like this:

"No worries about all that stuff. I've had lots of fun with you but I think it's time to go our seperate ways. I really hope you find joy in your life."

That's not the master key text that's going to have her crying once she realizes what she lost, but it's about the best you can do if you want to leave the door open...

IT doesn't matter really... What matters is after you send it - you ignore her. Go no contact and move on...

Moving on is the only answer here that makes sense...


And you must not do it in any way that shows weakness!


PS: If you do as I've said the key is not the words! The key is you not responding any further after that. She most likely WILL test to see.... Maybe fake weakness like she's ready now, etc. This is all just to see how serious you are about ending this... And any crack from you - will show her this is just a ploy. You must REALLY be willing to move on; you must really move on.

 

[Harry Wilmington]

Ah, so you've decided to go the "give her an ultimatum" route? Great! And, as guys on these boards can attest to, doing this sort of thing ALWAYS makes a girl do what it is you want her to do!

Oh, wait... NO IT DOESN'T!

Reality check, guy: a girl is going to do what she wants to do. If she wants to be with you exclusively, she would have dumped the other guy by now. Why? Because she wouldn't care about what would happen to that guy if she leaves him because she'd have a stronger pull towards you. Reality check again: she is not your girlfriend, and you do not have her heart fully.

Life isn't like an Archie comic book, where he has 2 girls - Betty and Veronica - he's constantly deciding between. And even then, as much as Betty thought Archie liked her, he always had a stronger pull towards Veronica, who didn't treat him as well as Betty would have (at least in her eyes). The reality is that, even if she is SAYING she's not having sex with him or complaining about him, you're not actually there to confirm this stuff. You're going off what she says and believing it to be true because you have a high interest level, but think about it: if she was still getting physical with him, why would she tell you? She knows telling a guy she's still banging another guy isn't going to keep you around...

Anyway... to my original point: giving an ultimatum isn't going to work. What you need to do is play hard ball. For one, you need to lower your interest in this girl. Yes, I know that can be hard, but really: she's screwing another guy while giving you the run around and is now trying to take away the sex part from you. No bueno.

Secondly, get out of your mind the idea that this girl isn't just in this for her ego. Not saying she is, but there's always that possibility that she likes the idea of having 2 guys who want her. Don't fall for that trap. Also get out of your head the idea that she's "playing games." This is an excuse a lot of guys give when a girl appears to be giving mixed signals - in reality, it's LOW INTEREST on her part that's being given an excuse to save your ego. Don't let your ego blind you from what's really going on - that she has LOW INTEREST. Otherwise, she would have already dumped the other dude for you...

Third, here's what you do: you need to be willing to risk giving her up. Don't call her up and ask her to make a decision - that's the worst thing you can do. Instead, you call her up or wait for her to call you up, then simply say: "Y'know what, you're right. I think we both need some time to figure out what we really want." If she starts saying "I just need some more time," say "that's great, and I respect that - so, take your time. Once you figure it out, hit me up. If I'm still available when you do, we'll see where we're at and go from there."

This does a few things: one, it lets her know that you're not going to pester her anymore - which you shouldn't be doing in the first place - and two, it lets her know you're not going to just wait around for her. But it's saying it in a way where you don't sound all defeated or like you're forcing her to choose.

Also important: after this talk, if she hits you up and wants to see you, you do NOT do so unless she also mentions that she's no longer with the other dude. If she is, politely come up with any reason you can't see her ("oh, i'm busy that day," "oh, I've got a date scheduled for that evening," "oh, I don't think it's a good idea right now," etc.), but she doesn't get to see you again until she's EARNED the right by getting rid of the other guy. This will let her know she needs to be respectful of you by getting rid of other dude first, and that you're not going to do this whole thing her way - but again, it's being done in a way where you look more in control and not demanding.

Hope this helps!