Valentine's Day: Am I the *******?

[King Lion]

If I'm being real with you guys, as I'm typing this I'm tearing up.

I woke up to about 86 missed calls.

I also woke up to about 36 texts/audio messages/video clips of her apologizing, sobbing, begging for this to not be the end of us...saying she's willing to cut off all of her friends and bad influences and that she wants to do better, that she's not used to a healthy relationship because she's been constantly surrounded by shi*** people and ex boyfriends. She wants me to think about the good times and how this relationship is worth fighting for and that I should block her because she's going to keep fighting for it.

Everything was apologetic, even begging, and it just really hurts to watch...I loved this woman so much. She's still sending a text here and there now. This has all been over the course of about 6 hours now.

I haven't contacted her, answered her calls, responded, etc anything. But my god it hurts...sleeping around with random women was so much easier than this...I don't have the answers to this.

Well at last NOW she knows there is a limit to the sh*t you'll take and is feeling pain like the sh*t she put you thru!

Don't call her or text her, just let her reminisce about "the good times" and meditate on the consequences and repercussions of her abusive actions and toxic talk!

I'll say this, Skippy - You are one lucky young man because now she is doing exactly what she should naturally have been doing long ago. Which is trying really hard to save herself from losing you!

She'll probably show up at your door soon, so just remember that if you do decide to take her back, she must be the kind of woman, or better, that made you fall in love with her in the first place - Nothing less!

Cheer up and be well, Skippy....'Tough Times Don't Last - Tough People Do'

Keep yourself and your pimp-hand strong - Get Tough - Get the girl, then the job, and then the bag!

The Rest Is Up To You

 

[BPH]

2 parts cus character limit...

Alright guys, I know it's been a little but I'm here to provide you guys the opportunity to get your "I told you so's" in.

If you want the short version: I took her back and stayed with her another 2 weeks before breaking it off for good last night following yet another fight.

If you want the longer version, continue reading. I don't need advice and I'm fully aware that this situation was avoidable, but I wanted to try and I feel I tried my best and now I can confidently say I have more patience that I ever thought imaginable after having been with this woman. Anyway...

After going through that day with her blowing up my phone begging me to come back now to throw away our relationship I thought it through and eventually did text her to let her know I could come by later that day. I showed up later that night and she was tipsy with some Xanax in her system because she thought I was just coming to put the nail in the coffin and break up face-to-face. In reality I came there to try and see if there was anything that could be done to save us.

We argue back and forth for a while, I keep wanting to go in the direction of focusing on what we can change moving forward while she thinks I need to understand my past actions. As we're about to get to that part of the conversation she has me lay with her, cuddles up on me, and falls asleep under the effects of the Xanax and wine, so I spend the night. In the morning she's much calmer and we talk about the things that we could try to do to make this better...we agree that there needs to be something between her being fine and exploding with anger - some sort of warning that either of us isn't happy with what the other is doing. I express some concern about some of the guys she keeps in contact with and she cuts them off promptly without me even needing to press the issue, and I tell her that when we're around some of her friends - notably the ones that party, drink, and do coke with her - that they aren't the best influence and how we never have problems when it's just us.

This is all not that important as far as the details, but we agree to make changes and continue with the relationship with me planning to visit her that weekend.

The rest of the week is pretty normal and I do see her Friday night. She asks if she can invite one of her girlfriends over. It's one of her really relaxed friends so I tell her it's ok, we order some pizza, and sip on some drinks while watching TV just having a generally good time. But then at one point my girl gets on my chest while I'm laying watching a movie on her bed and drops this jug of water on my chest and asks me to fill it. She's drunk and she keeps pestering me with it until I tell her to go fill it herself, I'm laying down watching a movie. So she does, and when she comes back up with the full jug she gets back on top of me and drinks from it before spitting the water out on me all over my chest as "punishment" for not filling it up. This pisses me off but I don't say anything until she notices my face and asks me what's wrong, so I tell her "that just wasn't very cool". She argues that we mess around in private and we've done that before, I tell her it's my first time meeting this friend of hers and it's not as cool in company. She goes off...saying "why do you care about her opinion? are you dating her? are you f***ing her? then why does she matter?" before suggesting her friend leave and preparing to have a fight with me.

I feel that she learned nothing from our last talk considering she's picking the first fight possible, so I get my stuff together and pack up my car and drive off. I've had a bit to drink so I just head to a motel about 5 minutes away and I learn it's booked so I plan to sleep in my car. She keeps blowing up my phone trying to get me to come back, eventually getting her friend to join us on a FaceTime because I was so convinced she would agree that my girlfriend went off for no reason - but surprisingly enough she thinks I'M the crazy one. Eventually I do agree to come home, but I tell her I want us to just shut up, cuddle, and go to sleep, figuring we can talk in the morning when we're sober.

However, that's not what she wants to do; she tries to continue arguing, trying to get me to understand her perspective while still feeling like she was justified. I kind of sit there trying to avoid the conversation until she starts crying and gives up on the fight because she feels I'm "robotic" and that she doesn't operate the same way I do - she's emotional and likes to get everything out and then make up, I'm more the type to remove myself from a situation before I do or say something regrettable, think about my options, then go from there. She quiets down and I try to cuddle her but she doesn't reciprocate, and we eventually fall asleep.

In the morning she's still distant and feels like this won't work out and she we should probably stop doing this. She hates when I leave because she's been abandoned by the people that love her most of her life and the way I handle conflict doesn't work for her. This upsets me and I cry a little bit because I really do want to save this...then she gives me an ultimatum: I tell her I was going to get some food and she tells me that while I'm out I should think about whether I really want this. She tells me she blocked my number because I didn't do that last time and she needs to not have me available to move on and tells me that I'll have to decide whether I want to come back or go home - and if I go home, not to come back.

I think about it a little while I'm out, and the fight seems for a stupid reason even though she started it for nothing so I decide to come back. She's super excited and happy and cuddles me, thanking me for coming and about how much she loves me. Later we try this hate-sex thing she came up with because she thinks I need an outlet for the things that bother me. She has me tell her all the things I hate about her and this relationship while we have sex...this doesn't really work for me and partway through I go soft...I don't know I think I just love the woman and am not turned on by punishing her through sex for the things I don't like. But then she asks me something that really breaks me: "do you actually love me?" and she tells me to really think before I answer, because she thinks I may just be infatuated with her and that I don't know what love really is.

I tell her that it really hurts having the woman I love tell me she doesn't feel like I love her immediately following me going soft on her after a big fight. She turns this into another argument and I leave before it goes too far, telling her "you say I'm hard to talk to, but I need to be able to talk to you too", but this time I just go downstairs in the living room and watch TV for a little bit to separate myself from her for a bit. She checks on me a few times and asks if I'm coming back upstairs to bed, which I do after some time. We end up having really great sex after she apologizes for saying those things to me and everything seems all good. We sleep in late the next day, I leave in the evening, and we seem to have a better understanding of how to handle our fights with each other.

But this newfound understanding doesn't last long...

This is already long enough so I'll try to focus on what nailed this whole thing shut...we go through the week like normal and I come over again late Friday night. We have a nice little night in watching movies, ordering food, cuddling. She thanks me for making the trips to come see her every weekend and that she really does appreciate it, and how she's so happy I came back last weekend. She falls asleep cuddled on me and so far I'm having a good time.

The next morning she wakes up first, moves around the house and orders us breakfast before letting me sleep in. Once in a while coming into the room to give me a kiss. Things are really great I'm thinking.

I learn that it's her sister's birthday. Her sister is not blood, but adopted, as is much of her current family. She's a 40-year old obese woman living in an apartment with her husband and young daughter about 10 minutes away from my girlfriend. My girlfriend is ADD and doesn't take her Adderall today, so she's bouncing around the house trying to plan everything while I just want us to watch a movie together and go out for a walk or something since it was so nice. These things all happen, but they all happen late, and there were other things that bothered me a little throughout the day but they aren't important in the grand scheme of this night.

 

[BPH]

Now, my girlfriend, some of her "party friends", and her sister somewhat regularly use coke when they go out...so that's what her sister wants to do tonight for her birthday. Later on in the evening my girl is making calls, coordinating things with everybody except me as I just sit there and wait until she broaches the subject with me. Finally she asks me if what I have on is what I'm wearing so I stop her and say "do you think this is a good idea? we're going to be around this guy who grabbed your a** in the kitchen when I wasn't around that you didn't tell me about because you didn't want us all to fight, this girl who tries to set you up with other guys when I'm not around because she doesn't like me for you, your sister, and we're all going to be drunk and you're all going to be on coke..." to which she firmly looks me in my eye and says "it's my sister's birthday".

So I surrender to that. I get ready and dressed and everything. She notices that I don't look happy so I walk up to her and tell her "you're a big girl, you made a decision, so let's see what happens". She gives me the option to stay home and wait till she comes back, but I figure that'll create its own fight and I figure that if she wants to put us in a situation that'll f*** this relationship up, I will let her f*** it up".

The guy I mentioned doesn't show up, but the girl does. Along with the friend from last weekend with the water spitting. We're all chilling out, sipping wine but it's obvious I'm not in the best mood - I'm quiet, I'm a little moody, but I'm not being rude, mean, or disrespectful, I'm simply not engaging. My girl is well aware of this and makes petty jokes throughout the night: when she's about to do a shot she cheers and says "I love you, even though we're fighting and you're being a c***", ordering food for the group and asking Siri where to "get lube to pull the stick out of my boyfriend's a**", etc.

We're here for 4 hours. At some points she calls me out for my behavior and I tell her I'm just chilling. The girl that doesn't like me actually takes my side against my girlfriend and says she agrees with me that I'm just sitting there relaxing.

Eventually we go to leave and on our way out my girl goes "actually f*** it he's being a baby, let's all go to my house". And this is when I stop her.

I tell her something along the lines of "really? after everything we talked about that's what you're going to do?" and she returns by being equally confrontational about how I'm being disrespectful on my phone being moody at her family's place and blowing up my spot in front of everybody here in attendance.

I don't even try to argue; I'm just in disbelief so I go "**** it" and call myself and Uber so I don't have to ride home with her. She tells me to "wait my a** on the curb" while going through her usual insults of me "not being s***", and how if I break up with her again she's not coming back to me she's going to hit up her "hoes", etc. The sister says that if my girl doesn't want me to wait inside then I'll have to wait for my Uber outside. So I do, silently.

My girl eventually comes out and tries to talk me into getting in the car, calling me immature for giving her the silent treatment etc. She texts me while I'm in my Uber about how she deserves better and she's tired of me playing the victim when I act out and she gets mad. Tells me my stuff will be outside by my car when I arrive.

I get there soon after she does and the door is locked. She doesn't let me in the house and tells me through her Ring alarm system that she'll get my stuff but that she might be a while. I threaten to call the cops to which she tells me some stuff about needing to go through family court, etc. I call my parents to see if I have any recourse to which she eventually comes outside and badmouths me about "running to my parents". She puts my bag of stuff on the sidewalk and throws my car keys across the lawn. As I go to grab them she starts out calling me a p***y and a b****, but as I start moving towards my car she begins to ask if "that's it?" and "you're not even gonna talk?" to which I get in my car and drive off.

I block her Instagram, Snapchat, Facebook, and this time her phone after texting her "good luck with your partnership" as I drive to Wawa for a coffee since I'll be driving an hour home at 5AM. She calls me from her friend's phone who came back with her as she realizes she's blocked. I notice that I forgot my dinner jacket and dress shirt so I call back and tell her I need to come pick those up before I leave. She tries to talk to me but I tell her I'll be there in 2 minutes, either have it or don't.

I show up and she comes outside and tries to talk to me. I ask her for the jacket and she tells me she looked and she couldn't find it but won't let me inside to look. I know that's bulls*** so I just tell her OK and walk to my car. She goes on the same rant about "can you please just be normal and talk to me for once?" and "why is this so easy for you to just say nothing and walk away?". The moment I actually get in my car I see her start walking down the driveway towards me, but nope, I just get in and start driving. She calls me a few times from her friend's phone that I don't answer, and that's it.

I get home an hour later and fall asleep as the sun's coming up. I tell my parents and two of my close friends what happened and that's pretty much it. I was half-expecting to wake up to more missed calls from her friend's number or somebody else in our friend circle, but there was nothing surprisingly enough.

Last night when she gave my stuff she mentioned how she kept the gifts of mine that she paid for. I didn't actually check my bag until today but she kept a leather jacket she bought for me months before Christmas, a pair of my Calvin Klein boxers (though they may have just been forgotten since I forgot where I left them in her room), and she returned a portrait of her dog that I commissioned for her as a Christmas present - essentially returning my gift.

So that's how it ended. It would have been nice if she could have made the changes she claimed she would make, but I don't think she's able to match her words with her actions. I would've loved to have gotten that high-paying job through her firm or that new Jeep since my car's a POS and she wanted to make it easier for me to visit her, but I'm sure she would have found a way to repossess that and the job was something that she mentioned for the last 5 months so who knows when the spot would actually be available...

But most of all I would've loved to have kept seeing her. When she was good she treated me better than any other woman I'd met so far, and she wasn't just a boring clingy wallflower either. Either way, I guess it's good that it happens now so I can enjoy my summer with the warm weather and the fact that I make it a point to stay in really good shape.

Tomorrow I'll redownload the dating apps and probably try to coordinate something with old lays or the bartender who gave me her number back when we were fighting around Valentine's.

Maybe somebody will learn from this, maybe I'll revisit it if there's a girl who shows similar signs that I'm trying to look past. I knew what I was getting into but I was hoping I could fix it with her and show her that a healthy relationship without emotional and physical abuse or infidelity is possible. I tried to be good to her and I played devil's advocate trying to look at myself critically and see if I was as terrible as she and her friends make me out to be, but I just don't think that's the case anymore. I think they just fear her or rely on her financially too much to oppose her...I don't know, not my problem anymore.

This is plenty long and I have to go to bed, just wanted to summarize the last few weeks since I posted. Was hoping things would work out, they did not.

Have a good night gentlemen. Thanks for all the advice, even though I listened to very little of it obviously.

 

[spred]

This was a life experience. What you take from it will be positive as an example how not to do it.
I would have ejected the situation at a few moments in time, more specific when she did things she said she wouldn’t.

 

[StacksHitEmUp]

She’s ****ing insane and you have no self-respect.

 

[Dr.Suave]

Is this the girls that recycles ex boyfriends?

 

[dude99]

Now, my girlfriend, some of her "party friends", and her sister somewhat regularly use coke when they go out...so that's what her sister wants to do tonight for her birthday. Later on in the evening my girl is making calls, coordinating things with everybody except me as I just sit there and wait until she broaches the subject with me. Finally she asks me if what I have on is what I'm wearing so I stop her and say "do you think this is a good idea? we're going to be around this guy who grabbed your a** in the kitchen when I wasn't around that you didn't tell me about because you didn't want us all to fight, this girl who tries to set you up with other guys when I'm not around because she doesn't like me for you, your sister, and we're all going to be drunk and you're all going to be on coke..." to which she firmly looks me in my eye and says "it's my sister's birthday".

So I surrender to that. I get ready and dressed and everything. She notices that I don't look happy so I walk up to her and tell her "you're a big girl, you made a decision, so let's see what happens". She gives me the option to stay home and wait till she comes back, but I figure that'll create its own fight and I figure that if she wants to put us in a situation that'll f*** this relationship up, I will let her f*** it up".

The guy I mentioned doesn't show up, but the girl does. Along with the friend from last weekend with the water spitting. We're all chilling out, sipping wine but it's obvious I'm not in the best mood - I'm quiet, I'm a little moody, but I'm not being rude, mean, or disrespectful, I'm simply not engaging. My girl is well aware of this and makes petty jokes throughout the night: when she's about to do a shot she cheers and says "I love you, even though we're fighting and you're being a c***", ordering food for the group and asking Siri where to "get lube to pull the stick out of my boyfriend's a**", etc.

We're here for 4 hours. At some points she calls me out for my behavior and I tell her I'm just chilling. The girl that doesn't like me actually takes my side against my girlfriend and says she agrees with me that I'm just sitting there relaxing.

Eventually we go to leave and on our way out my girl goes "actually f*** it he's being a baby, let's all go to my house". And this is when I stop her.

I tell her something along the lines of "really? after everything we talked about that's what you're going to do?" and she returns by being equally confrontational about how I'm being disrespectful on my phone being moody at her family's place and blowing up my spot in front of everybody here in attendance.

I don't even try to argue; I'm just in disbelief so I go "**** it" and call myself and Uber so I don't have to ride home with her. She tells me to "wait my a** on the curb" while going through her usual insults of me "not being s***", and how if I break up with her again she's not coming back to me she's going to hit up her "hoes", etc. The sister says that if my girl doesn't want me to wait inside then I'll have to wait for my Uber outside. So I do, silently.

My girl eventually comes out and tries to talk me into getting in the car, calling me immature for giving her the silent treatment etc. She texts me while I'm in my Uber about how she deserves better and she's tired of me playing the victim when I act out and she gets mad. Tells me my stuff will be outside by my car when I arrive.

I get there soon after she does and the door is locked. She doesn't let me in the house and tells me through her Ring alarm system that she'll get my stuff but that she might be a while. I threaten to call the cops to which she tells me some stuff about needing to go through family court, etc. I call my parents to see if I have any recourse to which she eventually comes outside and badmouths me about "running to my parents". She puts my bag of stuff on the sidewalk and throws my car keys across the lawn. As I go to grab them she starts out calling me a p***y and a b****, but as I start moving towards my car she begins to ask if "that's it?" and "you're not even gonna talk?" to which I get in my car and drive off.

I block her Instagram, Snapchat, Facebook, and this time her phone after texting her "good luck with your partnership" as I drive to Wawa for a coffee since I'll be driving an hour home at 5AM. She calls me from her friend's phone who came back with her as she realizes she's blocked. I notice that I forgot my dinner jacket and dress shirt so I call back and tell her I need to come pick those up before I leave. She tries to talk to me but I tell her I'll be there in 2 minutes, either have it or don't.

I show up and she comes outside and tries to talk to me. I ask her for the jacket and she tells me she looked and she couldn't find it but won't let me inside to look. I know that's bulls*** so I just tell her OK and walk to my car. She goes on the same rant about "can you please just be normal and talk to me for once?" and "why is this so easy for you to just say nothing and walk away?". The moment I actually get in my car I see her start walking down the driveway towards me, but nope, I just get in and start driving. She calls me a few times from her friend's phone that I don't answer, and that's it.

I get home an hour later and fall asleep as the sun's coming up. I tell my parents and two of my close friends what happened and that's pretty much it. I was half-expecting to wake up to more missed calls from her friend's number or somebody else in our friend circle, but there was nothing surprisingly enough.

Last night when she gave my stuff she mentioned how she kept the gifts of mine that she paid for. I didn't actually check my bag until today but she kept a leather jacket she bought for me months before Christmas, a pair of my Calvin Klein boxers (though they may have just been forgotten since I forgot where I left them in her room), and she returned a portrait of her dog that I commissioned for her as a Christmas present - essentially returning my gift.

So that's how it ended. It would have been nice if she could have made the changes she claimed she would make, but I don't think she's able to match her words with her actions. I would've loved to have gotten that high-paying job through her firm or that new Jeep since my car's a POS and she wanted to make it easier for me to visit her, but I'm sure she would have found a way to repossess that and the job was something that she mentioned for the last 5 months so who knows when the spot would actually be available...

But most of all I would've loved to have kept seeing her. When she was good she treated me better than any other woman I'd met so far, and she wasn't just a boring clingy wallflower either. Either way, I guess it's good that it happens now so I can enjoy my summer with the warm weather and the fact that I make it a point to stay in really good shape.

Tomorrow I'll redownload the dating apps and probably try to coordinate something with old lays or the bartender who gave me her number back when we were fighting around Valentine's.

Maybe somebody will learn from this, maybe I'll revisit it if there's a girl who shows similar signs that I'm trying to look past. I knew what I was getting into but I was hoping I could fix it with her and show her that a healthy relationship without emotional and physical abuse or infidelity is possible. I tried to be good to her and I played devil's advocate trying to look at myself critically and see if I was as terrible as she and her friends make me out to be, but I just don't think that's the case anymore. I think they just fear her or rely on her financially too much to oppose her...I don't know, not my problem anymore.

This is plenty long and I have to go to bed, just wanted to summarize the last few weeks since I posted. Was hoping things would work out, they did not.

Have a good night gentlemen. Thanks for all the advice, even though I listened to very little of it obviously.

Toxic is what toxic does and she is toxic to the core. She being a cluster b, is totally attracted and addicted to the roller coaster of emotions and destructive behaviour and you just fed into that.

Because she couldn't connect with anyone on a real emotional level she is void or real feelings and void of the ability to have a real meaningful relationship with people in general. Hence her choice in friends that encouraged her to drink and do cocane and to sleep with other guys.

Things will always be a disaster with this one. Learn from this and find better.

 

[dude99]

Is this the girls that recycles ex boyfriends?

Don't they all?

 

[BPH]

She’s ****ing insane and you have no self-respect.

Thanks man.

Is this the girls that recycles ex boyfriends?

Yep, said she does it because she has a high sex drive but wants to keep her body count low.

 

[Dr.Suave]

Yep, said she does it because she has a high sex drive but wants to keep her body count low.

Now you can keep having sex with her without exclusivity. I would call this a win.

 

[BPH]

Now you can keep having sex with her without exclusivity. I would call this a win.

Well that would be something to consider a few months out, if at all. I have her blocked on everything because last time I didn't block her phone and she blew me up begging me to talk to her and to come back.

I think I mentioned this on this thread before and people were telling me to not even bother just keeping it as a casual sex thing.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

Just to provide a bit of an update...

She called me on FaceTime a moment ago and I expressed how I was feeling because she could tell something was bothering me.

I told her how it bothered me that it felt like the effort I put in over the weekend to make it special since I couldn't be there wasn't as appreciated since I missed the holiday itself. She assured me that the weekend was great, but it just felt lame that I wasn't there for "the most important couples holiday". I mentioned "my effort" and she scoffed a bit, so I asked what that was about...

She said not to get carried away, I "made a last minute 5PM dinner reservation on a Saturday and ran a bath". She called it a "last minute thrown together situation" over text just now. I asked her what SHE did the holiday, and she said nothing because we didn't see each other for the holiday. Her comments kinda bothered me so I told her I'd let her get back to FaceTiming her friend and hung up on her.

Texted her saying "you say some hurtful things sometimes. I'm not mad and I don't want a fight so I'm just going to let you get back to your friend tonight. I still love you. That's all, I'm not trying to make it a big deal."

But then she responded with "lmfao don't worry I'm good needing to talk to you tonight as well. Have a good night. Hurtful things? You made a 5PM reservation. Ran a bath? Last minute thrown together situation. But I didn't say a word. You ****ed up man not me, have a good night."

If anybody has thoughts they'd like to share feel free to leave them, I'll probably not bother responding to her until tomorrow or something.

Regardless of how or when it happened, those things were thoughtful things you didn't have to do.

I have no idea how or why you are letting this woman talk to you in this manner but it's clear she has a very low level of respect for you as a man and as a person.

She feels you are a doormat and can walk all over you whenever she wants and that you are just going to take it.

I personally would leave this woman. You'll never be able to get her respect back you've lost it a long time ago for her to be acting like that and then trying to turn it back on you because it wasn't "thoughtful enough" or "planned out enough".

IMHO, this is the type of stuff women do when they want to get you to break up with them. Turn everything into a big deal, disrespect you blatantly, nothing is good enough, etc...

If you don't break up with her it will get worse until one day she will end it once she has lost every ounce of respect she had for you.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

I agree this is deeper than valentines, valentines is just an excuse, and the relationship is doomed. I agree she is being disrespectfull.

Nothing wrong with living with your parents and making less money than her, BUT, I think its a problem for her, even if she dosent realize it, its like on a sub concious level or something. Both of this facts were probably the seed of her disrespect and theres no putting that genie back in the bottle.

I think she dosent want u anymore and is preparing to monkey branch or leave you. If she really wanted you she wouldnt be like this. My advice is you leave her before she leaves you.

I have a new gf. We became official december 15. She wants sex as much as I do, or more. After a few "dates" were all we did was bang and order some food, she said she wanted to do other stuff too besides sex. I took her to the movies once and told her we would only do this if I actually wanted to see the movie in the big screen and she never brought it up again hahaha. She said she wanted to do something special for valentines, I basically ignored her. We took some pictures together by a nice tree, updated our facebooks to say we are in a relationship, and exchanged gifts. That was it. We spent the rest of the night having sex and ordered food, like always. No complains so far. She seems happy with the sex.

This is the type of stuff women do when they are trying to force you to break up with them. And if you don't her respect will go to zero if she has to break up with you.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

She’s ****ing insane and you have no self-respect.

100% yes...this should have ended long ago. Or OP should have checked her and none of this behavior would have happened because she would have respected him for it.