Valentine's Day: Am I the *******?

[BPH]

Just got off a FaceTime with my girlfriend a little while ago, and it's kinda bothering me, so I thought I'd share here and get some opinions...

Been seeing my girlfriend for 6 months. She's much better off financially so I drive an hour up to her each weekend to spend that time with her since I live at home with my parents currently.

So yesterday was Valentine's Day, and I knew I wouldn't be around during the week to spend the holiday with her, so I tried to make the weekend a little extra special; I brought her out to dinner at the restaurant where we had our first real date, I bought her a stuffed animal to go with her little collection I'd been winning her, I set up a warm candlelit bath in the dark with a bath bomb, and I scheduled Starbucks to deliver her her favorite coffee and breakfast on Valentine's Day itself since I gave her flowers for Christmas and figured she could actually use this.

Anyway, we had a great weekend, no issues there. The problem seems to have arisen yesterday...

I posted her on my Instagram for the holiday, sent her a really long sappy text about how I loved her, and went about my day; work, workout, etc. Then I see her getting a really sexy outfit together to go out with her friends and their SOs for the holiday. I didn't think anything of it, thought I was being a good boyfriend by not being overbearing and just told her I'd be relaxing at home and that she can drunk text/Snapchat me whenever.

Don't hear from her the rest of the night.

Today's pretty normal, we're Snapchatting, texting, all that good stuff. Apparently last night she got tired of being the only one their without her man so she went home early and just went to sleep. All throughout the day she's being a little sarcastic about how I'm an ******* for not spending the most important couple's holiday with her. I don't think anything of it, because I'm used to her being a sarcastic little brat sometimes...but it keeps coming up.

She calls me on FaceTime a little bit ago and tells me about her workouts, her day, etc, and she's still being sarcastic so I stop her and ask how much this is actually bothering her. She admits that it just felt lame being without me on the holiday, and she got drunk and by the time she got home she wasn't in the mood to drunkenly post about me or be lovey-dovey. She understands that I'm at a distance, but it bothered her that I was so chill with sitting at home without her on Valentine's day and she just felt like it was a bit of a **** move...mentioned how maybe I should've just not come during the weekend so I could spend the holiday with her. She assures me it's not an issue, it just bothered her because she wasn't used to it, then we got off FaceTime and went back to doing what we were doing.

Now this kinda bothers me...I think I've only had a girl to celebrate Valentine's Day with twice, this being the second time, because I don't really do relationships. And I felt like I put in quite a bit of effort - especially considering the fact that outside of a sappy Valentine's Day text in the morning, she didn't do ANYTHING different for ME to celebrate the holiday. So now I'm sitting here a little pissed off because I feel like all the effort I put in to making this weekend extra special are minimized by the fact that I wasn't with her for the day itself.

I don't know...I just wanna make sure I'M not the ******* here. I talked to one of my friends about this and they said that it's totally reasonable for me to be annoyed since I'd probably have been out late and would've had to drive back late at night or early in the morning for work the next day.

Anyway, leave me your opinions, if any. Thanks. Just had to vent a bit.

 

[logicallefty]

You could always tell her "Due to the circumstances I thought we had a decent Valentine's day. If you don't think it was acceptable then you are welcome to take me out for a steak dinner and a beer this weekend. I'll let you plan it all out and pay of course. And we can make up for it" Shoot you sent her the sappy text, that's more than I sent my ole' lady. My ole' lady got a text "Happy valentine's day you stubborn ass".

 

[oldmanofthesea]

The things you did were really nice and thoughtful, though since my divorce, the only time I've done things anywhere near as thoughtful as you was with the first girl or two I entered relationships with..... and they both ultimately dumped me. The less thoughtful I've become over the years, the better I've been treated by women, the hotter women I get, and the easier everything has become for me, not to mention the fact that I haven't been dumped by any girl in years. This doesn't mean I'm an a-hole or never do anything nice for them - but you need to find your new center and if you are like I used to be where you are extremely generous and thoughtful by default, your new center is going to feel really "cold" for a while until you see it work first-hand and get used to it. Now I do nice and thoughtful things, but I dole it out slowly and carefully and relate it to how much they are giving to me (it doesn't have to be equal but it can't be really imbalanced.) I suspect that she feels too much power in the relationship and that is manifesting by her complaining to you about something dumb like this immediately after you showered her with multiple displays of thoughtfulness and affection. Part of the proof of this is in the fact that she did zip for you for Valentine's day yet you did a ton for her. Imbalance. Not good.

My advice would be to just drop this subject with her completely and cool things down a bit. Stop being so considerate, slow your communication down and focus a bit more on things other than her for a time. Moving forward, I would definitely lower your investment in her somewhat and pay very close attention to what she is doing for you and ensure you aren't giving more than her. Expect things from her too! Another example is you driving to see her all the time. Believe it or not, not expecting things from women is a major turn-off for them. You think being nice and thoughtful and sweet and expecting little to nothing in return is what they want, but in reality, THEY want to be the ones to feel compelled to serve YOU. Women all say they want a thoughtful guy but those same women will answer "yes" to the question, "Can a guy be too nice and too thoughtful?"

To directly answer your question, no, you're not the a-hole here. The only way you're an a-hole is by setting up the dynamic where you are the one serving her instead of the other way around.

 

[RickTheToad]

I just texted the GF Happy VD!; but she didn't find it very funny.


@BPH why are you gushing your feelings like that. Less = more. Stop doing that sh!t

Follow Sweet Brown's advice dude:

 

[Black Widow Void]

It’s my opinion that what she did was on a subconscious level. In other words I would not get angry at her but instead look at the layers.

Because you put forth a lot of effort, she knows you care and therefore doesn’t feel at risk for maybe getting a little bit prissy and sassy. You shouldn’t be angry at her. We men, can also become smug, if we really think about it.

This is only my suggestion, I would calmly say something to the effect of… “ The last thing either one of us want to do is to have a conversation when we are angry and have it escalate. I would enjoy hearing from you, but how about giving me a call back when you feel that things have simmered down a bit“

Again this is only my suggestion, but something to the above, keep the conversation short but keep it calm without acting angry or putting her on the defense… And then calmly get off the phone. Let her think about that and hopefully it’ll level the playing field.

 

[BillyPilgrim]

She's the assh0le. I'd soft next her (several days of silence) but it sounds like you're in too deep. Sounds like a no-win situation. Focus on things that make you happy that don't involve her, because this is over - it's just a matter of a quick death or a slow one. Tactically speaking, your best move would probably be to break it off, give it time, and see if she comes back to you at some point. But you're too attached it sounds like. All the things you've done in the past to get you through hard times, I'd start doing again.

 

[BPH]

Just to provide a bit of an update...

She called me on FaceTime a moment ago and I expressed how I was feeling because she could tell something was bothering me.

I told her how it bothered me that it felt like the effort I put in over the weekend to make it special since I couldn't be there wasn't as appreciated since I missed the holiday itself. She assured me that the weekend was great, but it just felt lame that I wasn't there for "the most important couples holiday". I mentioned "my effort" and she scoffed a bit, so I asked what that was about...

She said not to get carried away, I "made a last minute 5PM dinner reservation on a Saturday and ran a bath". She called it a "last minute thrown together situation" over text just now. I asked her what SHE did the holiday, and she said nothing because we didn't see each other for the holiday. Her comments kinda bothered me so I told her I'd let her get back to FaceTiming her friend and hung up on her.

Texted her saying "you say some hurtful things sometimes. I'm not mad and I don't want a fight so I'm just going to let you get back to your friend tonight. I still love you. That's all, I'm not trying to make it a big deal."

But then she responded with "lmfao don't worry I'm good needing to talk to you tonight as well. Have a good night. Hurtful things? You made a 5PM reservation. Ran a bath? Last minute thrown together situation. But I didn't say a word. You ****ed up man not me, have a good night."

If anybody has thoughts they'd like to share feel free to leave them, I'll probably not bother responding to her until tomorrow or something.

 

[jimwho]

Completely blow her off 100%. She's annoyingly disrespectful/ungrateful. Don't let her suk you in unless you are convinced she has gained some common decency. Be gone. Don't be her puppet on a string.

 

[StacksHitEmUp]

This the type of woman where nothing you do will ever be good enough, it’s like filling a bottomless pit, she’ll always find something to complain about. Her attitude also screams entitled *****. Run for the hills. Soft next (if this is the first time she’s shown this behaviour) or hard next.

 

[samspade]

This is why consumerist crap like Valentine's Day is one of the things I screen against. Next it will be what size ring you didn't buy her.

You sure she got drunk and went home? You sent a lovey-dovey message and you don't hear from her the rest of the night, then she turns around and gets bytchy on you. Sounds fishy to me. What are your instincts telling you?

Texted her saying "you say some hurtful things sometimes. I'm not mad and I don't want a fight so I'm just going to let you get back to your friend tonight. I still love you. That's all, I'm not trying to make it a big deal."

You are in her frame right now. Hit reset. I would pull way back.

 

[derby1]

he said not to get carried away, I "made a last minute 5PM dinner reservation on a Saturday and ran a bath". She called it a "last minute thrown together situation" over text just now. I asked her what SHE did the holiday, and she said nothing because we didn't see each other for the holiday. Her comments kinda bothered me so I told her I'd let her get back to FaceTiming her friend and hung up on her.

Texted her saying "you say some hurtful things sometimes. I'm not mad and I don't want a fight so I'm just going to let you get back to your friend tonight. I still love you. That's all, I'm not trying to make it a big deal."

Explaining yourself, complying, emoting, and you put the nail in the coffin with that last message. She is the alpha male in the relationship.

"Long distance?.........I feel sorry for the 4 people involved."

 

[bat soup]

Just got off a FaceTime with my girlfriend a little while ago, and it's kinda bothering me, so I thought I'd share here and get some opinions...

Been seeing my girlfriend for 6 months. She's much better off financially so I drive an hour up to her each weekend to spend that time with her since I live at home with my parents currently.

So yesterday was Valentine's Day, and I knew I wouldn't be around during the week to spend the holiday with her, so I tried to make the weekend a little extra special; I brought her out to dinner at the restaurant where we had our first real date, I bought her a stuffed animal to go with her little collection I'd been winning her, I set up a warm candlelit bath in the dark with a bath bomb, and I scheduled Starbucks to deliver her her favorite coffee and breakfast on Valentine's Day itself since I gave her flowers for Christmas and figured she could actually use this.

Anyway, we had a great weekend, no issues there. The problem seems to have arisen yesterday...

I posted her on my Instagram for the holiday, sent her a really long sappy text about how I loved her, and went about my day; work, workout, etc. Then I see her getting a really sexy outfit together to go out with her friends and their SOs for the holiday. I didn't think anything of it, thought I was being a good boyfriend by not being overbearing and just told her I'd be relaxing at home and that she can drunk text/Snapchat me whenever.

Don't hear from her the rest of the night.

Today's pretty normal, we're Snapchatting, texting, all that good stuff. Apparently last night she got tired of being the only one their without her man so she went home early and just went to sleep. All throughout the day she's being a little sarcastic about how I'm an ******* for not spending the most important couple's holiday with her. I don't think anything of it, because I'm used to her being a sarcastic little brat sometimes...but it keeps coming up.

She calls me on FaceTime a little bit ago and tells me about her workouts, her day, etc, and she's still being sarcastic so I stop her and ask how much this is actually bothering her. She admits that it just felt lame being without me on the holiday, and she got drunk and by the time she got home she wasn't in the mood to drunkenly post about me or be lovey-dovey. She understands that I'm at a distance, but it bothered her that I was so chill with sitting at home without her on Valentine's day and she just felt like it was a bit of a **** move...mentioned how maybe I should've just not come during the weekend so I could spend the holiday with her. She assures me it's not an issue, it just bothered her because she wasn't used to it, then we got off FaceTime and went back to doing what we were doing.

Now this kinda bothers me...I think I've only had a girl to celebrate Valentine's Day with twice, this being the second time, because I don't really do relationships. And I felt like I put in quite a bit of effort - especially considering the fact that outside of a sappy Valentine's Day text in the morning, she didn't do ANYTHING different for ME to celebrate the holiday. So now I'm sitting here a little pissed off because I feel like all the effort I put in to making this weekend extra special are minimized by the fact that I wasn't with her for the day itself.

I don't know...I just wanna make sure I'M not the ******* here. I talked to one of my friends about this and they said that it's totally reasonable for me to be annoyed since I'd probably have been out late and would've had to drive back late at night or early in the morning for work the next day.

Anyway, leave me your opinions, if any. Thanks. Just had to vent a bit.

My girlfriend said she wanted a ring for Valentine´s. So I went to Euro Car Parts and bought an oil filter, which comes with a free "O ring".

 

[EyeBRollin]

This is deeper than Valentines Day. This relationship is doomed.

The dynamic of this relationship is completely off. This girl doesn’t respect you, OP. And it’s because you live with your parents and are willing to drive an hour every weekend to see her. Where is her investment?

Men, a woman has to admire and respect you. That makes her want to invest time and effort into keeping you. Without that, there is nothing.

OP, dump this broad immediately. Tell her you are working on yourself. Focus on getting an apartment.

 

[HaleyBaron]

You sure she got drunk and went home? You sent a lovey-dovey message and you don't hear from her the rest of the night, then she turns around and gets bytchy on you. Sounds fishy to me. What are your instincts telling you?

The moment I read this, I know exactly what happened. Girls going out and getting drunk always leads to one thing. Time to learn the truth, OP.

 

[RickTheToad]

This is deeper than Valentines Day. This relationship is doomed.

The dynamic of this relationship is completely off. This girl doesn’t respect you, OP. And it’s because you live with your parents and are willing to drive an hour every weekend to see her. Where is her investment?

Men, a woman has to admire and respect you. That makes her want to invest time and effort into keeping you. Without that, there is nothing.

OP, dump this broad immediately. Tell her you are working on yourself. Focus on getting an apartment.

^ This.

 

[Dr.Suave]

I agree this is deeper than valentines, valentines is just an excuse, and the relationship is doomed. I agree she is being disrespectfull.

Nothing wrong with living with your parents and making less money than her, BUT, I think its a problem for her, even if she dosent realize it, its like on a sub concious level or something. Both of this facts were probably the seed of her disrespect and theres no putting that genie back in the bottle.

I think she dosent want u anymore and is preparing to monkey branch or leave you. If she really wanted you she wouldnt be like this. My advice is you leave her before she leaves you.

I have a new gf. We became official december 15. She wants sex as much as I do, or more. After a few "dates" were all we did was bang and order some food, she said she wanted to do other stuff too besides sex. I took her to the movies once and told her we would only do this if I actually wanted to see the movie in the big screen and she never brought it up again hahaha. She said she wanted to do something special for valentines, I basically ignored her. We took some pictures together by a nice tree, updated our facebooks to say we are in a relationship, and exchanged gifts. That was it. We spent the rest of the night having sex and ordered food, like always. No complains so far. She seems happy with the sex.

 

[dude99]

Just got off a FaceTime with my girlfriend a little while ago, and it's kinda bothering me, so I thought I'd share here and get some opinions...

Been seeing my girlfriend for 6 months. She's much better off financially so I drive an hour up to her each weekend to spend that time with her since I live at home with my parents currently.

So yesterday was Valentine's Day, and I knew I wouldn't be around during the week to spend the holiday with her, so I tried to make the weekend a little extra special; I brought her out to dinner at the restaurant where we had our first real date, I bought her a stuffed animal to go with her little collection I'd been winning her, I set up a warm candlelit bath in the dark with a bath bomb, and I scheduled Starbucks to deliver her her favorite coffee and breakfast on Valentine's Day itself since I gave her flowers for Christmas and figured she could actually use this.

Anyway, we had a great weekend, no issues there. The problem seems to have arisen yesterday...

I posted her on my Instagram for the holiday, sent her a really long sappy text about how I loved her, and went about my day; work, workout, etc. Then I see her getting a really sexy outfit together to go out with her friends and their SOs for the holiday. I didn't think anything of it, thought I was being a good boyfriend by not being overbearing and just told her I'd be relaxing at home and that she can drunk text/Snapchat me whenever.

Don't hear from her the rest of the night.

Today's pretty normal, we're Snapchatting, texting, all that good stuff. Apparently last night she got tired of being the only one their without her man so she went home early and just went to sleep. All throughout the day she's being a little sarcastic about how I'm an ******* for not spending the most important couple's holiday with her. I don't think anything of it, because I'm used to her being a sarcastic little brat sometimes...but it keeps coming up.

She calls me on FaceTime a little bit ago and tells me about her workouts, her day, etc, and she's still being sarcastic so I stop her and ask how much this is actually bothering her. She admits that it just felt lame being without me on the holiday, and she got drunk and by the time she got home she wasn't in the mood to drunkenly post about me or be lovey-dovey. She understands that I'm at a distance, but it bothered her that I was so chill with sitting at home without her on Valentine's day and she just felt like it was a bit of a **** move...mentioned how maybe I should've just not come during the weekend so I could spend the holiday with her. She assures me it's not an issue, it just bothered her because she wasn't used to it, then we got off FaceTime and went back to doing what we were doing.

Now this kinda bothers me...I think I've only had a girl to celebrate Valentine's Day with twice, this being the second time, because I don't really do relationships. And I felt like I put in quite a bit of effort - especially considering the fact that outside of a sappy Valentine's Day text in the morning, she didn't do ANYTHING different for ME to celebrate the holiday. So now I'm sitting here a little pissed off because I feel like all the effort I put in to making this weekend extra special are minimized by the fact that I wasn't with her for the day itself.

I don't know...I just wanna make sure I'M not the ******* here. I talked to one of my friends about this and they said that it's totally reasonable for me to be annoyed since I'd probably have been out late and would've had to drive back late at night or early in the morning for work the next day.

Anyway, leave me your opinions, if any. Thanks. Just had to vent a bit.

The day of valentines day is nothing but a comercial day forcing dudes to spend money and literally get nothing in return.

The fact that you put so much effort in on the days before show you care and that is all that matters. If she didn't appreciate your extra effort because it wasn"t on the day then the bigger issue here is she is self entitled and self centered. She is acting like the child who's parents got her the iphone with 16 gigs of storage instead of the 64 gigs for Christmas and now she is acting like a spoiled brat.

You are in for more sarcasm and more disrespect in the months to come.

Bottom line is you can't make a chick be mature and appreciate what you do. They already do or they never will. You can demote her to a plate or just accept she is selfish and immature and walk away because more schitt tests are about to come

 

[Stuffnu]

Don’t disagree with most of the advise on here but tell her…
You can’t correct ”pissy” behavior by being silent.
You made an admirable effort for V-day. I too made plans for my GF on the weekend prior as Monday wasn‘t ideal because of work and logistics.
Curious, what did she do for you? it’s not a one way street…

If she blows you off, gives you the cold shoulder, etc., then yes, it’s best to reevaluate your relationship.

 

[samspade]

She said not to get carried away, I "made a last minute 5PM dinner reservation on a Saturday and ran a bath". She called it a "last minute thrown together situation" over text just now.

This was extremely kvnty by the way. I don't use that word often.

Honestly, I usually say just drop her...part of me thinks you should pull way back, let her come around, and then bang her like the wh0re she knows she is, and then leave her. But if that's too treacherous, just dump her.

 

[Modern Man Advice]

Just got off a FaceTime with my girlfriend a little while ago, and it's kinda bothering me, so I thought I'd share here and get some opinions...

Been seeing my girlfriend for 6 months. She's much better off financially so I drive an hour up to her each weekend to spend that time with her since I live at home with my parents currently.

So yesterday was Valentine's Day, and I knew I wouldn't be around during the week to spend the holiday with her, so I tried to make the weekend a little extra special; I brought her out to dinner at the restaurant where we had our first real date, I bought her a stuffed animal to go with her little collection I'd been winning her, I set up a warm candlelit bath in the dark with a bath bomb, and I scheduled Starbucks to deliver her her favorite coffee and breakfast on Valentine's Day itself since I gave her flowers for Christmas and figured she could actually use this.

Anyway, we had a great weekend, no issues there. The problem seems to have arisen yesterday...

I posted her on my Instagram for the holiday, sent her a really long sappy text about how I loved her, and went about my day; work, workout, etc. Then I see her getting a really sexy outfit together to go out with her friends and their SOs for the holiday. I didn't think anything of it, thought I was being a good boyfriend by not being overbearing and just told her I'd be relaxing at home and that she can drunk text/Snapchat me whenever.

Don't hear from her the rest of the night.

Today's pretty normal, we're Snapchatting, texting, all that good stuff. Apparently last night she got tired of being the only one their without her man so she went home early and just went to sleep. All throughout the day she's being a little sarcastic about how I'm an ******* for not spending the most important couple's holiday with her. I don't think anything of it, because I'm used to her being a sarcastic little brat sometimes...but it keeps coming up.

She calls me on FaceTime a little bit ago and tells me about her workouts, her day, etc, and she's still being sarcastic so I stop her and ask how much this is actually bothering her. She admits that it just felt lame being without me on the holiday, and she got drunk and by the time she got home she wasn't in the mood to drunkenly post about me or be lovey-dovey. She understands that I'm at a distance, but it bothered her that I was so chill with sitting at home without her on Valentine's day and she just felt like it was a bit of a **** move...mentioned how maybe I should've just not come during the weekend so I could spend the holiday with her. She assures me it's not an issue, it just bothered her because she wasn't used to it, then we got off FaceTime and went back to doing what we were doing.

Now this kinda bothers me...I think I've only had a girl to celebrate Valentine's Day with twice, this being the second time, because I don't really do relationships. And I felt like I put in quite a bit of effort - especially considering the fact that outside of a sappy Valentine's Day text in the morning, she didn't do ANYTHING different for ME to celebrate the holiday. So now I'm sitting here a little pissed off because I feel like all the effort I put in to making this weekend extra special are minimized by the fact that I wasn't with her for the day itself.

I don't know...I just wanna make sure I'M not the ******* here. I talked to one of my friends about this and they said that it's totally reasonable for me to be annoyed since I'd probably have been out late and would've had to drive back late at night or early in the morning for work the next day.

Anyway, leave me your opinions, if any. Thanks. Just had to vent a bit.

I didn't read your whole post nor do I have to. Just by skimming through it and how you started it I can tell you are losing frame. I am not opposed to doing extra special things for your partner but my guess is that you are allowing her to get too comfortable. Not to mention you don't seem to have your OWN life together.

This is gonna sound harsh and it is, but she is losing respect for you.

Work on yourself and make sure she is not at the center of your world.


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