trying to get ex back , help

[jacob]

sorry for the stupid post earlier I was depressed and just wanted to act silly anyway KontrollerX, did you script this, cause now she deleted herself from my friends list after the convo last night I think it's true she got validation that I still desired her and now she's gone for good left me hanging no more contact with her through myspace I still got her number I know where she lives and works but like yall said to just cease contact that sucks cause when we were together she said this year she's leaving to Vegas after she does her taxes we even planned on going there together, it's sad that I don't know when she leaves and if I'll ever speak with her again. She probably did get the last laugh by disappearing now I'm thinking go to her work place since she works at Ross's and act like I was shopping when I see her give her a kiss then leave forever I get the last say, hows that? foolish?

 

[KontrollerX]

Yeah its foolish.

Sorry brother but she'd think to herself hahaha wow this guy is sooo pathetic and desperate to be so drooling over me.

What a loser.

Also jacob there's a slim chance she may still be playing a game with you and this has possibly only been a momentary take away on her end to make you desperate.

She could attempt contact again in a few days and lay it on real thick about how she wants you or basically something to draw you in that she believes will play on your hope emotions or both.

Do not respond for god's sake if she does this.

At this point after what she's done she's cut off for the foreseeable future.

Consult us here if she contacts you again and tell us what she says but do not respond to her or attempt contact with her no matter what she does says or tries on you if anything.

 

[MacAvoy]

This is the best thing that could have happened to you. You should also remove her from your friends list. This is perfect, you don't want her to see you online 24/7. It reduces your value as the prize as she sees you have no life and are online constantly.

You better go give her one last kiss so your life can be complete and so she can have one final laugh at what a chump you are.

 

[jacob]

okay here's the situation last night I got home and went to myspace, the ex (Carmen) is still gone from my friends list and I notice the older lady (Gin) her status is mad. Gin wanted to go out last night (Saturday) but I told her I'd be with my guy friends and maybe we could meet up with her and her friends anyway to make a long story short I met Gin through a coworker this other girl Charlene who I was also trying to game. Charlene found out that Gin was really into me and I noticed she was more attracted to me now because she'd call me more often and initiate kino while were at work. Charlene works only part time where I work so I see her once a week anyway I told my other coworker about the situation between me Carmen, Gin and posting the photo on myspace to make Carmen jealous and that I thought Gin didn't look good. Well I think this coworker told Charlene who in turn told Gin and now Gin doesn't want to respond to my calls or communicate. I messaged Gin why was she mad, no response then again "hello" to which she responded talk later not in the mood. I still need Gin to keep me stable and forget about Carmen, so what now? how do I go about this situation?

 

[MacAvoy]

You need to cut all women out of your life and learn to be happy on your own. If you can't be happy without any women in your life, then you'll never be happy. You will always be dependent on someone else for your happiness.

You seriously need to take a few months and just be alone, alone, alone, alone.

How old are you?

 

[WesCottII]

I still need Gin to keep me stable and forget about Carmen, so what now? how do I go about this situation?

Look at your life, and work out how you became so AFC to the point where you "NEED" a women.

I strongly suggest pulling back from all pursuits of women at the moment, and focus on becoming a guy women want to be associated with.

As for "Gin", leave her, she'll get over it.

 

[SunnyD]

You don't need Gin. You don't need Carmen.

You need options. So get off your sulking ass and get out there.

 

[jacob]

man I really don't know what I would do without all yall support, thank you so much for being there for me in this tough situation it gives me comfort when yall give me a pep talk and it's not just that it's great advice I actually see the dynamics of the situation unfold like how yall predict, I'll try my best to get the DJ mentality and not be so needy, I don't have a network or support of friends as does Carmen but with you guys and gal I feel on a level playing field with her. Thanks I'll keep updating the situation as significant events happen and consult yall for advice before making hasty decisions.

 

[Z Man]

There are 4 kinds of communication:

telephone
telegraph
television
tell a woman
---

I told you to be careful with "Gin". Now it sounds like you hurt the poor girl's feelings! Karma (and in this case, Carmen ) is a b1tch!:box:

You should know that women talk and that what you said about Gin would get back to her if she is in the same social network. Now all these girls will probably think you are a jerk. When somebody tells me a "secret" I am very careful about whom I share it with, If I share it with anybody.

I agree with the others, you need to step away from this situation for a while and get your bearings, clear your head. Otherwise this pain will continue and you will wonder what happened.

 

[MacAvoy]

Jacob, I posted this article from the bible for someone and I think it might do you some good as well.

http://www.sosuave.com/ubb/Forum6/HTML/001366.html

(I even bolded some key parts)

So what makes a person an AFC? Is his style? Is it his looks? Is it the things he says? No. What makes an AFC is himself. More specifically, it is his internal scripts or mind set that makes him the way he is.
The AFC's internal scripts are varied and mostly jumbled. But there are usually three main components to them that I will discuss each in turn.

Personalizing everything

A chump has the tendency to over analyze everything and worry about saying the right thing or the wrong thing, interpreting any negative response from a woman as his doing and so on. By putting such an emphasis on the me the AFC places himself at the center of the situation and finds himself having to react and question every single little thing. He is so worried of screwing up he overwhelms himself because he thinks he must do everything right in order to get anywhere with the particular lady.

Believing that things will stay the same

An AFC takes rejection badly and thinks that because one woman rejected him, they all will reject him. Even though he may at one point think he has a legitimate chance, he becomes so worried because of the past experience that he short circuits himself and fulfils his self-proclaimed prophecy which just reinforces his erroneous belief.

Attributing failure with women as a failure in life

The AFC has the tendency to put such an emphasis on woman that she becomes the all-being consuming focus in his life. When failure occurs with a particular woman he believes that his failure in dating (just one area of his life) means he is a failure in his entire life. Such thinking leads him to overwhelm himself with a total feeling of inadequacy. With such an erosion of confidence, the chump can hardly get himself to talk to a woman anymore, much less date.

In psychology these aspects are referred to as internal (concluding that whatever happens is all your doing), stable (viewing a situation as permanent) and global (believing that what you experience in a given situation affects everything you experience) mental attributions. Studies have shown that these types of attributions are a recipe for disaster in viewing life in general and are the chief mental characteristics of people who are depressed or prone to depression.

To get an idea of the mind set, it as if I walked up to you and told you that in order not to be publicly humiliated in front of the whole world as a looser, you had to perform 800 complicated tasks perfectly with the odds succeeding around 1 in 10,000. Could you be confident in this situation? Could you remain totally calm and controlled? Would you not feel overwhelmed?

These internal scripts cause him to be overwhelmed in the presence of women which results in poor actions and behavior that causes him to fail. While these scripts may be a result of a general outlook to life, these scripts tend to manifest themselves because the chump has such an intense desire to not be alone (to have someone emotionally stimulate him) that he makes the woman out to be something far greater than she is: he puts way too much emphasis and importance in a single woman.

To make the situation even worse, a woman can tell a desperate man a mile away. A man who is needy, supplicating and clingy is the ultimate turn off.

So what then is the secret of being more successful with women? The key is to do the opposite of what the chump does. As Dex in the "Tao of Steve" says:

quote:
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Rule 1 of the Tao of Steve: Eliminate your desires. If your out with a girl and you are thinking of getting laid, you're finished. A woman can smell your agenda.
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When you interact with a woman and she senses no desire in you, it does a lot of things. First of all, she will feel more comfortable with you. Secondly, by her sensing you are not lusting after her, it causes her to become confused as to why you are not lusting after her like every other guy does: it makes you stand out. By not overtly desiring her, you become a challenge. Because of the affront to her ego, she all of a sudden wonders how she can make you become more attracted to her or at least notice her. Finally, you will more easily have fun and be more fun to be around which will make women respond more positively towards you.

So how do you eliminate your desire?

To answer this question, we must understand what desire really is.

The essence of desire is wanting things to be other than present experience is. In otherwords, the AFC is focused more than outcomes rather than focusing on the present moment. This is the entire key.

The AFC, after meeting a woman for the first time, is usually so caught up with her (imagining things like marriage, great sex, how a great person she and so on) he builds a complete fiction of who she is because he desperately wants her to be that special someone. When he finally goes on the date, he worries so much of saying or doing the wrong or right things (concerned with the outcomes of his actions or words) he is rarely even mentally there with the woman at all. Instead of concentrating on finding out who she really is, he acts and prances about under the pretense that he already knows who she is – that special woman. But of course, this “special” woman is nothing but a self-imposed fiction.

Because of his intense desire, his ego becomes inseparably involved in the process and the AFC tries to impress her or put on pretenses so as to tell her that he is better than all the rest of the guys she has been with. This type of act actually psychologically tells the woman that he is in fact insecure because he feels the need to remind her that he is better than all the rest.

All a woman really gets from this guy is a nervous, conniving, needy, blabbering fool that appears more occupied in himself than her. Because the guy is not really in tune with her (not really in the moment with her because of his chief concern with the outcome of the date), she senses that the craving is not for her at all but something from her: sex. Like Dex says, "A women can smell your agenda."

The essence of the chump’s problem lies in wanting the woman existing in front of him to have a higher interest in him than what the apparent situation presents her interest as. More simply, the AFC wants the woman to like him so he tries to do things to make her like him. This is a chump in a nutshell.

After seeing what desire is, it becomes apparent how to finally eliminate desire.

If desire, as I so define it, is wanting things to be other than they are, then the elimination of desire is simply accepting the situation as it truly is, or to put it another way, going with the flow of things in the current situation.

As Dex says,

quote:
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Look at me. Technically, I shouldn't get laid, but I do. And you know why, Dave? Because when I'm hanging out with a woman that's all I doing: hanging out, talking, listening, and I'm not sitting there thinking how I can get in bed with them.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------

When you are immersed in the situation and not worrying about the outcome, you concentrate on the situation instead of the outcome of the situation. By so doing you become more fully present in the moment, unlike the chump that mind is elsewhere.

As the Buddha stated to a man who wanted a succinct teaching:


quote:
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In the seeing, there is only the seen. In the hearing, there is only the heard. In the sensing, there is only the sensed. In the thinking, there is only the thought.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------

When you are out with a woman, simply be with the woman. When you are talking to her, simply talk to her. When you are kissing her, simply kiss her. Get rid of the idea of a date in your mind. Simply think you are going to meet a woman, not a special woman, not a beautiful woman, not a woman who will satisfy your desires, but simply a woman.

When you are in the state of just being present in the moment with her, you will naturally exude confidence, control and challenge because you are not trying to be anything and you are not trying to achieve anything. The confident man doesn't even think of confidence, he simply is. The controlled man appears naturally in control because being in control is not an issue for him. Finally, the man who is a challenge is not needy because he doesn't need the woman; he derives his pleasure from situations with a woman and not the woman itself.

This type of state, where a person is fully present, is what Dex refers to as "being Steve." Everyone has experienced being in the "flow" or peak states where tasks appear to be done effortlessly. Dating is no exception.

Whereas the chump goes ahead and tries to force things to happen, the Don Juan allows things to happen. In a true Taoist fashion, it is when we are trying the least that we achieve the most success.

Most importantly, when you are "being Steve" you are naturally having fun. If you are dating and not having any fun, you are simply not dating.

Above all else a woman loves a man who naturally appears to have his act together and is fun to be with. Such a man, for all intensive purposes, is free and is loving and living life. And when you are simply enjoying the moment, a woman will want to enjoy it with you.

Enjoy life with or without women and simply be.

 

[jacob]

I just got online sorry didn't really get started reading your post McAvoy but will do as soon as I post this. Here's the situation, Carmen texted me on my cell this morning, it said "R u the one calling me fr an unknown num?" I didn't respond then I my phone starts to ring, it's her I don't answer she tries calling 4 times all the time I don't pick up she doesn't leave a voice mail. Then Charlene, Gins friend and my coworker text's me on my cell saying "hey! what is going on, my friend is really mad at u. Call me, Charlene" like I said I had a feeling Charlene started all this drama between me and Gin because of the picture post, anyway I didn't respond, then again Carmen text's me saying "So r u the one calling?" I still didn't respond. Can someone evaluate this situation and guide me through it Kontroller, McAvoy SunnyD, anyone! I feel an urgent need to do something and I'm trying to control myself not to react. What is Carmen trying to pull? and how do I handle the situation with Gin?

 

[MacAvoy]

Don't do anything for now, your playing it perfectly, Not only do you have one girl madly chasing you, but now you've got her friends chasing you as well.

See how NO contact actually works. They can't stand the mystery. I'll think more about it and post back in a bit. I'm a little fuzzy on the details.

 

[MacAvoy]

Ok heres what I would do. I would continue to ignore the text messages and go with phone calls. There is a reason why women are using the texts, because you can't call them out, its safe for them. They don't like confrontation and they are scared to call, thats why they use texts.

When Carmen calls, just tell her you were busy and didn't get a chance to call her back. Tell her that you didn't call her back cuz she never left a msg so you assumed it wasn't important. If and when she does call, ask her whats up, "what can I do for you", if she says I'm just callin to see if your ok or along that lines, say your fine but your busy and you have to go.

If she wants to be in your life, she has to want to spend time with you, not sucking you into her life on the phone.

As for Gin/Charlene, same thing, ignore the texts, if she say why didn't you call, respond to my txt, ask her whats wrong with her fingers, if she wanted to talk to you, she could have called.

Always put the onus back on them, they are the ones who want to talk to you, make them call you. Don't get sucked into their games.

And totally dump Gin nicely if you can, if Charlene wants to talk about it, tell her that its between you and Gin and if Gin wants to talk about it, then she should call you. Tell her your not in high school and don't need an intermediary.

Trust me, this will work.

 

[KontrollerX]

She still needs a reaction from you jacob.

In other words I think she's lying to try to trick you into contacting her about the calls.

But why would she try to trick me KontrollerX?

Because she is a woman and you are a man and thus stupid in her little fantasy world. So stupid in fact you will fall for this game.

However what she doesn't know is that you are not stupid after all and will give her exactly what she doesn't want for the time being which is...

No contact.

But KontrollerX what about the friend thats trying to get me to talk to her about this whole situation?

Jacob my brother it is just another female tactic when direct confrontation fails for them ie use another female who is seemingly harmless and above the fray in other words neutral to draw the target out to extract the needed information ie does he still want me, what is he thinking, is he dating anyone else? etc.

Do not talk to this other woman about what you are doing either and keep that in mind for all future relationships you are in.

Your relationship business is between you and your girlfriend whoever that is not some outside third party woman who acts like she is trying to help.

But KontrollerX this woman is my co-worker what should I do if she asks me at work whats going on?

Simply this jacob ask her some irreverant question such as did she catch the news last night and then make a long comment about it and make some excuse about you having to go now to get back to doing your work and if she persists in asking you relationship questions politely ask her if she has anything better to do with her time. If she persists even after that go silent from there on out with her whenever she tries to get you talking about your relationship. Give her nothing about it or on it. Got that?

 

[SunnyD]

I just got online sorry didn't really get started reading your post McAvoy but will do as soon as I post this. Here's the situation, Carmen texted me on my cell this morning, it said "R u the one calling me fr an unknown num?" I didn't respond then I my phone starts to ring, it's her I don't answer she tries calling 4 times all the time I don't pick up she doesn't leave a voice mail. Then Charlene, Gins friend and my coworker text's me on my cell saying "hey! what is going on, my friend is really mad at u. Call me, Charlene" like I said I had a feeling Charlene started all this drama between me and Gin because of the picture post, anyway I didn't respond, then again Carmen text's me saying "So r u the one calling?" I still didn't respond. Can someone evaluate this situation and guide me through it Kontroller, McAvoy SunnyD, anyone! I feel an urgent need to do something and I'm trying to control myself not to react. What is Carmen trying to pull? and how do I handle the situation with Gin?

You have three options, all which could work equally well:

1) Don't reply at all. Drive her nuts "what the hell?? Why isn't he answering me?? Is he with someone??? Who??"

2) Simple "no, I haven't called you." (She'll wonder "well why not???")

3) "Well I don't think so, who is this??" She'll think a) "Did he delete my #?" and b) "If he isn't sure, what other girl does he think he may have called??"

Also, I get the feeling this is just her way of starting a convo with you and no one has called her from a private number at all.

 

[jacob]

thanks for the post McAvoy, about how to stay in the moment. Anyway I don't want to just ignore forever the goal is trying to get the ex back right?

 

[MacAvoy]

Yes but you don't want to get into text games, let her call you. Really you should have picked up one of her 4 phone calls. So considering that, you could call her QUICKLY, ask her what she wanted, if she says she was just checking if that was you that called, say nope.

Then again, say your busy and you have to go. That way, your not being rude and ignoring her, you returned her call. But your the prize, she knows your out on the dating scene from Gin, but now let her wonder who else is in the picture.

If she wants you, she has to chase you, your the prize. Let her bring up the relationship talk, otherwise, get off the phone and make her miss you more.

If you chase her, she'll just run again.

 

[KontrollerX]

I like Mac's advice.

The only thing I disagree with is the calling her quickly thing.

Sure you can do that and it may work but the person with more power in any situation is the one who can make the other person come to them.

So instead I'd simply wait for her to call again and then answer and do what Mac said.

That way you don't give an air of importance to solving this chick's most likely false dilemma of wanting to know if it was you who'd been calling her.

You're too busy to really care remember?

 

[jacob]

thanks Kontroller and SunnyD same for the two of you, I don't want to ignore forever I'm trying to get Carmen back and I just read your new post McAvoy about just going for phone calls, I already ignored 4 calls and 2 texts today, in the past I already established a pattern about answering her calls, when I would play the ignore game she would do the same but she would hold out longer so I'm having anxiety that now since I ignored her alot, she'll think the ball is in my court now and that I have to reply or she'll just not try and contact anymore. So this is my worry, I also love your female perspective SunnyD. Will the council please guide me through this.

 

[KontrollerX]

Well wait a day and if she doesn't call you again jacob do Mac's quick call idea and follow the rest of what Mac said to make her yours again.

We both basically said the same thing but Mac gave you more of a blueprint to getting her back then I did.