The realization has hit.

[slitherjef]

Yeah, its been a long time since I have been here. Perhaps its for the better. Things have come crashing down. The realization has hit. I am a freaking nice guy. Probably bordering on desperate.

I thought I was different then those other guys. I am not. I am a nice guy. And it took the loss of someone whom I did not want to lose to provide me with this realization. By not wanting to lose her, I lost her.

How bad was it? Well, really, you can't lose something you never had, right?

The major issues? Well, pretty much two biggies. The two biggest things whereas the implications are huge: Confidence, control and insecurity issues.

Wanna know what I did? Probably something so bad that I have very little, if any chance of, recovering from.

First: I friend zoned myself!
Second. I told her I liked her. I did this in fear that she was going to leave!

W.T.F :trouble:

There are other things I did too, but those where the major ones.

Well. She left anyway, later on, and all I got are the fantastic memories she provided me, at least at work.

Damn. I am a nice guy. I finally got to the point of where I could touch her arm, and lightly touch her cheek while I playfully put something in the tussle of hair she left sticking out. To the point I could make eye contact with her. And she is gone.

I guess all is not lost, yet, however. I learned something. That I am indeed a nice guy. I learned my thinking is all screwed up. I caught this while there may still be a slim glimmer of hope of actually getting some where with this girl. She is expecting me to contact her sometime this week for coffee this weekend. Perhaps I should just text her and say I can't make it and let her know I will reschedule. Then use this time to work on myself some more.

At this point the absolute best I can hope for is actually being friend zoned, at least I will have my foot in the door, kind of. By this, I mean we are on speaking terms. The small glimmer of hope. As long as she don't think I am a creep, I guess.

And yes. This is still nice guy stuff, still fawning over this girl, I get it. I should be out chasing other women. I get that now, too. I should have been doing that in the first place, but this shy introverted nice guy just don't have that kind of play in him. Its not my forte. But even so, I can make myself busy and try to talk to other women around the joint.

The bottom line is, the realization. I identified the fact I am a nice guy. Couple that with being a shy introvert, then, yeah, this happens. Now to do something about it. I can't change being an introvert. I can change being shy and I can change being some nice guy pushover who is looking for approval from girls, thinking that no one would want me. With an attitude like this, then who would?

I am thinking all wrong. Who would want me? No. Who do I want? ask not what I can do for her, but what she can do for me! And most importantly, I guess it really don't matter what you think, the outcome is not dependent on that. So, if that is the case, then I guess the proper attitude is, who gives a $#%% because no one else does.

Thats right. Who gives a rip. Screw the outcome because either way, it don't matter. If you are a nice guy, it don't matter if you are nice. I get it now.

 

[flashpoint]

so what are you going to do now?

 

[Bible_Belt]

some nice guy pushover who is looking for approval from girls, thinking that no one would want me.

You're using "nice" to mean 'low self-worth.' Niceness may be a common coping mechanism, but the two are not the same. The root of your problem is your self-esteem.

 

[dangdang]

What. The. ****. Man.

Been lurking for a bit, but this just sounds ridiculous. You seems self deprecating and in your head waaaay too much. (Not a cheap shot, I've been there) Do you know about negative loops?

Serious question: when you walk around, do you physically look down... Like with your head/eyes staring at the cracks in the sidewalk? (indicative of being down in your feelings/there's some exercises you can learn for this)

I dont know what to say about your label of "nice" other than it needs to be altered... But you did trigger something, got me to post anyway. I think because part of my personailty is genuinely nice, in that, i like to help people, contribute, do things for those I deem worthy just because.

However, if the wrong button gets pushed, I'm the biggest ****ing ******* you've ever met in your life. Being "nice" does not equate to being a pushover.

You are what you believe. So change what you believe.


Edit: what's with the profanity censoring?

 

[JohnChops]

Being nice and being confident are two different things. Nice guys have low self worth, low self esteem, walk with their head down, buy gifts for any woman, is a push over etc. Being a MAN, means you have inner confidence and you can do what ever the fvck you want. You aren't a push over and you can joke around with whoever you like. Your eyes aren't on a woman as a prize but on advancing your life. Being a man or being a nice guy has nothing to do with being nice. Being nice and polite aren't bad whatsoever , infact its beneficial.

You must have really low self esteem man, time to reorganize yourself . And forget about women as a prize and focus on being you and building you up

 

[slitherjef]

Hmmm. Self esteem issues, huh. Yeah I can see that. Its either that or over thinking crap. I figured I was a nice guy. Now what to do about it.

Oh and I am thinking of texting her in a bit.

 

[RedZone]

**** her...and just work and focus on yourself. If your not happy with yourself a relationship isn't going to make everything better. Start from scratch and be the man you want to be. Sure, it will take time, but it's worth it in the end. That's what I'm in the process of doing.

 

[floydb25]

These guys are right, but the two are interwined. The nice guy HAS low self esteem; hence why he acts this way. Also, insecurity, approval seeking, desperation, co-dependancy, fear of being alone, etc. These are all NG traits. Thats why theyre NGs, and do these things, and act like clingy, unassertive, weak pushovers with no confidence or self respect. Being kind / decent is something else altogether.

You need to work on these traits, and learn to value yourself. Becoming a selfish jerk out of hate / bitterness / resentment - which everyone seems to do (while blaming, *****ing, playing the victim, hating people, and sulking in self-pity) - isnt going to accomplish anything, and will just make things worse. You understand the problem, and looked inward. Big step. Now to just improve the flaws / issues WITHOUT being angry at yourself or other people. NGs also tend to have a lot of self hate, and resentment towards others for not accepting / appreciating them. But no one is going to like or respect you if you dont yourself.

 

[slitherjef]

Oh, I have no resentment on her if things do not go forward. It will suck, yes, but I'm not going to be angry or anything. I have already offered her a bunch of guilt free "outs" which she did not take.

Actually I am waiting till tomorrow to hit her up for coffee. She is expecting me to contact her, I'm sure. And yes just being friends is an acceptable outcome.

Being totally shut out, like I said will suck, but its all good I guess.

 

[marmel75]

The problem is not being a "nice guy". The problem is lacking confidence to try to move things to a sexual level with women, trying to buy their companionship with dinners, drinks, gifts, etc because you lack confidence in yourself that they would want to be around you for you, and doing things that basically scream I am desperate.

You know what a confident "nice" guy is called by women? A gentlemen. You know what a unconfident "nice" guy is called by women? A "nice guy". Huge difference between the two. Too many people think being "nice" means holding the door open for a women, pulling her chair out, or things like that. It doesn't. It means you are too scared to make a move when both of you know that move should be made.

 

[Atom Smasher]

People despise "nice guys" (eager to please, overly self-sacrificing) because we sense that their niceness is transactional in nature. They are giving overt "niceness" in exchange for acceptance.

It is a covert begging.

 

[slitherjef]

If she is just playing a game, like using me for validation or baby sitter then maybe I should just play along. I ain't got nothing better to do. I intend on texting her in a bit to see if Saturday is still "on" .

Why not?

 

[slitherjef]

Turns out I did not need to text her today. I think I will tomorrow as a courtesy to say I can't do this weekend. Im sure she ain't going to care. She bopped in to get her check and bailed real fast with out even looking or coming over to say hi.

I was going to just go talk to her but she bolted quick so I peeked out side thinking she may be hanging out for a few. She was getting in her car along with a Guy. I'm assuming her boyfriend.