Clockwerk50
Master Don Juan
- Joined
- Aug 5, 2023
- Messages
- 2,356
- Reaction score
- 2,435
- Age
- 41
NC - 1
Current Situationship
Last week, I made the decision that perhaps the fastest way to get over this case of oneitis was to spend more time and invest more effort in the white girl I’ve been seeing. As you may know, things have gone from her being helpful and nurturing to her needing constant reassurance because of my inattention. Two weeks ago, I received the following message:
Nonetheless, I slept with her on Tuesday, and then I received another message the following day.
All I can say is that afterward, I felt sad and strange for various reasons, although she obviously enjoyed it. This is all I have to say about this situation.
Accidental Contact:
Unfortunately, I had to restart my no-contact count on Friday. Thursday night was difficult because of some personal problems. Although I woke up feeling better than usual on Friday, my mood deteriorated throughout the day. Since I had taken the day off and my mom was helping me clean the house, I decided to drink in the morning.
While raking the leaves, I made the mistake of opening Outlook and accidentally sent her a Teams meeting invitation for that same day. I cancelled it immediately, but she likely received both notifications. Although it was unintentional, I decided to go back to Day 1. 43 days lost.
I still feel disappointed in myself and frustrated by how much this situation has affected me. I know this incident won’t matter in a few months, but I went from feeling like I had the upper hand a year ago and not giving two ****s about the situation to becoming re-attracted to her and feeling inferior. There are several possible reasons for this, but I think three of the main ones right now are that she seems to be doing better than I expected, the feeling of competition, and the experience of feeling somewhat rejected, even though I didn’t want anything with her at the time. The worst part is that, before this accident, I felt I was in a better position to maneuver. Now, it feels like I’ve lost that position, and I have this strange feeling that I would take her back regardless, which is massively irrational.
I’ve tried to frame this accident as a “breadcrumb,” as moving a chess piece after her BCC email about the breast cancer marathon, me rejecting her, or as flattery. However, even though I hadn’t contacted her in more than a month and a half, I still feel like a nuisance, a loser, or someone who can’t take the hint and continues hovering around when he’s no longer needed. Pathetic. In my eyes is a massive “chase” move, desperate, and obviously she may think unable to move on. Maybe I can work this into a bigger plan in the future…
Just laying it all out here to hold myself accountable.
Changes
Hopefully, this embarrassment will help me recognize how damaging this pattern has become to my peace of mind and mental health. Instead of continuing to dwell on it, drinking, and lying in bed, I’m going to focus on working on myself.
I’ll also start writing these posts every two weeks. The constant analysis is becoming counterproductive, and the original purpose of this journal was to get her out of my mind rather than continue ruminating.
Lastly, I’m going to take a hiatus from here. Discussions about women’s behaviour, how to attract women, or how unfair the world is have become somewhat triggering for me, and due how weak my frame is, sometimes the self-defeating posts do not help me at all. Maybe I’ll be more active again when I’m further along in the process, since I don’t think I’ve been doing very well lately.
Current Situationship
Last week, I made the decision that perhaps the fastest way to get over this case of oneitis was to spend more time and invest more effort in the white girl I’ve been seeing. As you may know, things have gone from her being helpful and nurturing to her needing constant reassurance because of my inattention. Two weeks ago, I received the following message:
Nonetheless, I slept with her on Tuesday, and then I received another message the following day.
All I can say is that afterward, I felt sad and strange for various reasons, although she obviously enjoyed it. This is all I have to say about this situation.
Accidental Contact:
Unfortunately, I had to restart my no-contact count on Friday. Thursday night was difficult because of some personal problems. Although I woke up feeling better than usual on Friday, my mood deteriorated throughout the day. Since I had taken the day off and my mom was helping me clean the house, I decided to drink in the morning.
While raking the leaves, I made the mistake of opening Outlook and accidentally sent her a Teams meeting invitation for that same day. I cancelled it immediately, but she likely received both notifications. Although it was unintentional, I decided to go back to Day 1. 43 days lost.
I still feel disappointed in myself and frustrated by how much this situation has affected me. I know this incident won’t matter in a few months, but I went from feeling like I had the upper hand a year ago and not giving two ****s about the situation to becoming re-attracted to her and feeling inferior. There are several possible reasons for this, but I think three of the main ones right now are that she seems to be doing better than I expected, the feeling of competition, and the experience of feeling somewhat rejected, even though I didn’t want anything with her at the time. The worst part is that, before this accident, I felt I was in a better position to maneuver. Now, it feels like I’ve lost that position, and I have this strange feeling that I would take her back regardless, which is massively irrational.
I’ve tried to frame this accident as a “breadcrumb,” as moving a chess piece after her BCC email about the breast cancer marathon, me rejecting her, or as flattery. However, even though I hadn’t contacted her in more than a month and a half, I still feel like a nuisance, a loser, or someone who can’t take the hint and continues hovering around when he’s no longer needed. Pathetic. In my eyes is a massive “chase” move, desperate, and obviously she may think unable to move on. Maybe I can work this into a bigger plan in the future…
Just laying it all out here to hold myself accountable.
Changes
Hopefully, this embarrassment will help me recognize how damaging this pattern has become to my peace of mind and mental health. Instead of continuing to dwell on it, drinking, and lying in bed, I’m going to focus on working on myself.
I’ll also start writing these posts every two weeks. The constant analysis is becoming counterproductive, and the original purpose of this journal was to get her out of my mind rather than continue ruminating.
Lastly, I’m going to take a hiatus from here. Discussions about women’s behaviour, how to attract women, or how unfair the world is have become somewhat triggering for me, and due how weak my frame is, sometimes the self-defeating posts do not help me at all. Maybe I’ll be more active again when I’m further along in the process, since I don’t think I’ve been doing very well lately.
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