Day 01
And now for good.
I will use this as a journal, for my recovery and will start by telling what happened in the past few days, and also to evaluate with brutal honesty to my behaviour which led me here. I might be hurt or butthurt right now, but it is all coming from a bruised ego.
I've lied to myself for too long.
I strive to be a better person but only when I'm put in situations like this. When I lose a girl, or a job, or am put in an impossible situation like crashing against a wall, crushing my bones, and going to 2 surgerys 100% alone, starving my self in the process during recovery.
Anyway, From my perspective, she always gave a lot of red flags: over sexualized, party mode, substance abuse, history of bad relationships, super hot, bisexual tendencies, male friendships, self centered, impossible to please, terrible mood swings and BPD and/or Bipolar.
This alone was enough for me to steer clear, but, she was also very loving, very caring, with a functional family and family values (which says a lot) her parents were not divorced, and she had a good relationship with them and her 3 sisters. She would cook for me, leave love dovey notes around the house, massage me, and please me in any way I needed.
All of this waned, til a full stop as I've chumped out trhu the relationship.
When she had a view of me as the man, she would act in this femine energy, so I have my share of responsability because I've failed the test of maintaining my frame.
This realtionship was very curious to me in a anthropologic kind of way, because I could see almost like from a 3rd person perspective how attraction works, and how every little thing, good or bad, would play a part on her interest level. I guess that being BPD would intensify emotions, and it was incredible how every little rule of the game, specially The Book of Pook: Fifteen Rules, were applicable, relatable and also quite visual. It was very educational. Even tho I lost the girl in the end, there were lots of learnings.
I could see myself in so many lessons, and I guess that even tho I've read it and re read it multiple times, it feels like I've never lived them so vividily.
Anyway, this is not the first time I post about this girl. Ever since the beggining of our relationship I've been haunted by her behaviour and red flags, and every now and again we would have a fight that would end up with her threatening ending things, which would became the staple, and which would ultimately break me, completely destroying my frame, as I've became passive/AFC because I would rather do anything to avoid conflit.
In the end I've became her doormat, attraction died, and she moved on.
I think that the breakup process started in December 2025 for her, and for each distanced out she would do, I would try and grab ahold closer, which as we all know, has the opposite effect.
I can't keep on blaming myself too much, because I was able to see that, and conciously would avoid AFC behaviour, but shw would devise test after test to gauge my frame. In that matter, it can be said that she was the ultimate female experience, very in tune with everything preached her on female behaviour.
Anyway, at least I was able to get back on a basic workout routine beforehand, around that time in december 2025, which I was lacking in the past few months, 'cause I saw it coming, and knew that I should be at least with the workout mentality back. Starting off from zero now would be very challenging. Still I'm faaaaaaaaar away from ideal, also another one of the reasons for the dumping.
When she met me, I was ripped, I would workout 3 to 4 hours daily, I had incredible stamina, was looking so good, and had a winner mindset. I was meditating, not smoking, not doing drvgs nor drinking, absolutely nothing. Peak performance.
But That was the mask that feel, and during the year and 1/2 long relationship, I reverted back to confort/AFC behaviour, back to pretty much zero workout routine, drinking and smoking. The minute she saw me drinking and smoking for the first time, the spell broke. That was January last year. I was never able to revert back to myself, nor did she.
I do have a big bag of really good excuses on why that happened, the main one being my Full Hip Replacement surgery back on April 2025, which incapacitaded me for any sports practice for 6 months, till October 2025. Still, no reason for me to get back to drinking or smoking. The only reason for that was the ammount of stress in my job, and the crazyness of her Borderline behaviour altogether, at a point in time where I said fvck it, they don't deserve me. Sadly, they never had me again. It was December 2024.
If they deserve me or not, both my job or my GF is up for debate, but the thing is that I deserved me, and I gave up on me because of outside factors, and losing her is actually a symptom of me not following the right path. Next in line is my job, and I can't afford to lose that, so I trying to look at what is happening as a lesson and wake up call, before it is too late.
Anywho, moving on to the breakup.
I thought she was cheating on me, went to her place, got her phone, and saw her exchanging messages with one of her 'friends' in a very enthusiastic kind of way, while with me she was recently always sad, 'depressed and mentally unwell' - her words. Also in her messages although she was telling him everything about her life as they were catching up, she failed to mention she had a boyfriend, and deliberately told him that she couldn't video call him that night, because she was going out to dinner with the gang. She wasn't, she was having dinner with me. So that really pissed me off.
One might say I shouldn't go trhu her phone, but I don't care. She gave me her password herself, and even that is a trust issue, I found what I found. The guy was one of her Uni friends, and she was going to Amsterdam on a work trip in April this year, and since he lives there, she was planning to see him. It could've been nothing, but the fact that she not once said she was in a relationship, and also, deliberately lied to hide the fact that she was actually in one, added to the recent distancing and everything threw me off balance.
So I went to her place to break up with her, 'cause I actually was fed up with all this BS, but she kind reverted it said it was all in my head, and now who wanted a break was her.
We spent one week apart.
That was my initial day 0 here some 10 days ago(ish)
I though it was actually over.
But it was a break, not a break up.
Then she aksed if I wanted to talk.
This was last Thursday.
I invited her to my place, and we had our talk. She said that she had made up her mind and actually wanted to break up.
We spoke, she said I had too many issues to sort, she was doing all the heavy lifting for the relationship (She wasn't), and she couldn't stick around to see me sort my shlt. Then she got a bit nasty, told me that everything I did for her was to validate my ego, and it wasn't for her to enjoy, but actually for her to feel glad, praise me, so I could feel better about my self.
I managed to get her out of that nasty mood, and reverted to a more civilized convo, and got a bit nostalgic, considering I understood we were breaking up, which worked really well, and it turned out to be a very enjoyable, respectful, fun trip back in memory lane break up.
Very mature. She actually said, this is the most mature breakup I ever had. Me too.
Then she remembered that the next morning would be our trip to Italy for our anniversary, which was yesterday, Feb/17th.
And started crying because we planned (and paid) everything, and we didn't get to go.
I said, well, we are broken up right, everything is paid right? I say, do you wanna go. It's ****ed already, what does it matter.
And then we went, broken up. First day we acted as a couple, second day too, went for a spa in San Pellegrino, couples massage, all that jazz. Then she got pissed because she was giving me false hope, and also fooling herself. We fought.
Third day was shlt, but then we had a talk on she asked 'Why did you went trhu my phone. I Really wanna know.'
And I told her that I was so sick of fights that always ended up on putting the relationship on the line, I rather look into her phone and avoid any fights that would incur if I asked her who the fvck is this, or something like that. She understood.
She said that I was the best person she has ever loved, and she was heartbroken, because she thought I was the one, and that we would end up getting married and kids and shlt. That really got me.
Had dinner, than we had carazy s&x. Crazy stuff. It has also been a while since we banged, so for that, I think the whole trip was worth it, otherwise we would have broken up on a dry spell and that would be just stupid. Next day we had a lovely day, and flew back.
When we got here, she invited me for one last meal at hers while watching a movie, I said why not. Did that.
Woke up yesterday, had breakfast and had the final talk. I asked her if one last time if she really did not wanted to try. She said no.
So I've accepted it, and tried to end it on a high note, but she was a getting a bit nasty, so I said that it was time for me to go.
Packed my stuff, she stood up and gave me a really long hug, while crying.
I told her I loved her, I would miss her. I said I was sorry I couldn't do my part better, and I was thankful for everything we've lived.
She said the same.
I gave her one last kiss, and left.
The End.
PS: She texted me during the day saying that she was owing me money for the trip to Italy and I told her it was fine she didn't owed me anything. Take care.
The (actual) End.
And now here we are.
NC day 01. All over again.
Now, with her, that's the 5th relationship that dindn't worked out.
Thought 5th time was the charm.
Anyways, it was actually quite helpful writing all of this down.
I still feel like shlt tho.
Moving on.
