The *No Contact* Challenge! ( Read this if you just got dumped)

[Young_Don]

@LARaiders85

I'll admit that I do need to get my **** together before I can commit to LTR with any girl in regards to solid work/money. I'm 24 and just got my degree to be a teacher, I have work lined up fairly soon and the money for casual rate is fairly decent here so I just have to stay patient for that.

But I feel that I do have a lot to offer a woman, but I'm not looking to just commit to any girl just because shes a 9+ in looks or is a nice girl. It's hard to find girls with the same interest as me who know how to have fun in any situation and don't mind being adventurous and getting their hands dirty. 90% of girls here (Sydney) are boring af and all try to be the same in looks and interest and it's mind numbing.

I'm back on tinder, spinning a couple plates atm and they seem pretty keen to meet up but I don't even feel like making the effort to see them, whether it's just for coffee or something that I wanna do. I have plenty of options to fvck girls I already know and I just don't see the point anymore, I don't gain anything from it except clingy-ness on their part afterwards so it's not my goal for if I do decide to meet up with a girl in the future.

 

[Nn877]

FWIW I agree with everything you said, applies to me. The first paragraph in particular. Keep in mind though that the red flag women are fake. There are some decent women you will connect with as you improve, however it's far more difficult to obtain them. You are simply not there yet or haven't found them, but you are moving forward.

Interesting point that the red flag women are fake....it's almost as if you go date one of these women they almost set the bar for furture relationships. Even though they are obv not sustainable, the emotional highs are addicting. Can this be found in a normal girl? I don't think so.

 

[Young_Don]

@Nn877

They honestly do set the bar higher for future relationships. I had a connection with this girl that I've never experienced with another person before in my life, even she said it herself. So from now on I feel like if I don't have a connection like that or better than that with a girl in the future, I'm going to lose interest very quickly. I'd prefer to stay single than to settle for less.

 

[attic]

Day 8 here. Yesterday was hard, mentally I was going back and forth pretty hard with the desire to contact vs realizing that was not a healthy choice to make.

The split with a BPD is sudden and severe. For me it all ended via a txt (as it did the other breakups with this one). This from a woman who spoke her love and admiration for me constantly. Having read others experiences with BPD's has been instrumental in giving me perspective. -basically, yea we got played, and we let ourselves get played.

I have some shame to deal with.

Still confused and hurt deeply. Staying strong and glad I found this forum and community. I've got a lot of growing up and maturing to do to be where I want to in my relationships.

 

[Bigsmilez]

Day 1

I don't know if I belong here, and I don't feel up to the challenge. My gf just ended things with me today, pretty much out of nowhere. We had a great relationship to this point, but about a week ago she had some serious issues with a close family member's mental health, and decided that this (along with a major professional exam she is preparing for/stress at work) meant she "did not need a relationship right now." She came over and we spoke in person, and I told her I understood her needs and that I wouldn't contact her. She said she didn't know how she felt or what she needed, and that she didn't want to say we would never be together in the future, but that she needed space and to be alone right now. She's the type of person who, if she didn't want to be with me, would straight up say so. But this definitely felt like a permanent breakup conversation.

I've read tons of your stories, and I feel weird posting here since there were no problems with our relationship or BPD/NPD, she's genuinely an amazing person and the only woman I ever found myself seeing a future with.

Obviously I'm skeptical of her reasoning, but I think it could be true. We were constantly together or texting/face-timing, and I've seen her on her phone and computer many times and there is no sign that she's been talking to other guys while we were together. So I can only assume it's either her personal issues or that she's over me and found an excuse to see other people. But from what I've seen and experienced, she was very much into me until this very legitimate family issue arose.

I've successfully gone NC with my most recent two previous LTR BPDs (and failed other times before that, when I didn't know about NC). I never heard back from either of them, but after a few weeks I was over them and had moved on. I'm no stranger to how this works, but this time it's VERY different. It's a long shot, but I feel like there's a small change this ex might work through her issues and contact me. And in the off-chance that happens, I don't know what I'll do. I've fallen for this one, hard.

I definitely need to go NC for myself, because I know firsthand how much worse things get when I break NC. It's the only way I'll get through this and keep my sanity/dignity. But I also know that's the only way she'll come back to me. I try to fight that feeling, but deep down it's what I know I truly want. I don't want to lie and say I wouldn't do anything to get her back right now.

In the meantime I'll do the typical NC dance: hitting the gym and working on myself. But am I in the right place? Any hope for me?

If you break your NC, you'll be upset at yourself as well dealing with starting over. Plus..now you'll look needy and for sure she'll be gone. I am 4 days into a NC. When I feel like contacting her...I journal my thoughts. Sometimes I write a letter and then throw it away. That seems to help get the thoughts out of my head for awhile.

 

[xstang77]

Just wanted to reach out to a few of you gentleman regarding break ups with a cluster b. I was there for 2 years I know how awful it feels I even almost went to jail because of mine. I know how it feels that you couldn't help fix them but all those nasty things and knowing there mentally ill gives you the fuel and anger to move on, I know it doesn't seem that way but it's so much easier to upgrade from them.when you lose someone who was actually good to you
The WHOLE time it feels 20x worse,I know how bad you guys feel about it but trust me,use this as a lesson and know pretty much any half decent girl that isn't cluster b is an upgrade.

 

[Roober]

Day 8 here. Yesterday was hard, mentally I was going back and forth pretty hard with the desire to contact vs realizing that was not a healthy choice to make.

The split with a BPD is sudden and severe. For me it all ended via a txt (as it did the other breakups with this one). This from a woman who spoke her love and admiration for me constantly. Having read others experiences with BPD's has been instrumental in giving me perspective. -basically, yea we got played, and we let ourselves get played.

I have some shame to deal with.

Still confused and hurt deeply. Staying strong and glad I found this forum and community. I've got a lot of growing up and maturing to do to be where I want to in my relationships.

It happens. We fall. We learn. We pickup ourselves up. And we are better for it. Keep it up!

 

[Chev.Chelios]

Your only option when dealing with a toxic woman, whether she's borderline, bipolar, HPD, NPD, a psychopath/sociopath, has daddy issues, or is otherwise just plain fvcking bad for you,

IS TO GO COMPLETE TOTAL NO CONTACT.

If you don't, you will continue to make yourself seriously mentally sick. And you might end up in jail - and xstang sounds like you already almost have.

Don't let the awesome sex fool you. Don't be clouded by thoughts of whether she is mentally ill or not. Do not blame yourself for the demise of the relationship.

Just evacuate and GTFO. Trust me, I've been where you guys have been a hundred times and the end results with these vampires is always the same - if you stick it out or go back to them you will be mentally clusterfvcked. They will carpet bomb you with severe mental and emotional abuse. Get out, get out permanently, and the sooner you get out the sooner you will start to get better.

Don't make the same mistake I (almost) made many times - you pine for this crazy b*tch only to meet an even better hotter one and then you find yourself still thinking about an insane woman who didn't even treat you like a human being.

Damn straight..

 

[attic]

Day 14.

Hell yes. Finally starting to get my head back, still completely ****ed up, but I see the path.


I saw a demon lurch out of her one night while we slept. I was gonna go cuddle and that thing tried to bite my head off. You would think that would have been my warning to GTFO. I said to myself, "Na, I got this". Goddamnit.

Close call here fellas. Getting away from a BPD, at first you cant tell which way is up.

 

[sadface54]

Here's my tale...Me and this girl I had a ldr ended about 4 months ago...Right after the breakup I was a complete biotch. I did everyhting you can think of except say please take me back. She is now in a ldr relationship with a marine. I started no contact with her after I contacted her saying I needed her to be m calm as I had just gotten intoo an altercation with a friend. She responded via text she was sorry she couldn't be available, and good night :'(. At that point I figured I'd never hear from her again and initiated no contact.

Maybe a week later she called me. I didn't answer, she than added me on facebook, emailed me asking If I blocked her..than texted me goodnight to which I responded goodnight. She responded do you hate me I said no I'm at my friends house (lies). She said okay I'll talk to you later.

Maybe a week and a half later she called me again, this time to be her calm as she says im the only person she trust in that regard. I texted her and told her I'd call her later. I texted her around 1030 kind of hoping she would be asleep but she wasn't and we spoke. Again, I was being used o be her calm. Within that phone conversation which I ended maybe 30 minutes in, she said she thought about taking the train (would have been 2 trains) to come see me and surprise me. When I told her i would be getting off the phone with her in like 30 minutes she responded by saying "tonight".

After our conversation she thanked me in a text and I asked her if she wanted to see a movie with me, she responded that she would be going upstate that weekend but would cut the trip short to come see me. She would eventually flake, however, she asked if she could see me that tuesday during my one hour lunch break and treat me to lunch...to which I responeded no because it would not be practical, she lives an 1 and a hlaf away. When i spoke with her about that she said she wanted to show her commitment. Idk?

I called her maybe twice since than we'd have small talk, but one day I texted her and essentially told her that we weren't friends and I missed her and couldn't carry on a platonic relationship with her, and if things ever dissolved with her man to hop on that train and come see me. She responded, thank you for trusting me with that information, I'm sorry this is my farewell, goodnight. And I responded goodnight. That's the last I've heard from her...now going on a week and some change of NC. Any thoughts?

I'm not as invested and heartbroken with the situation as I was a few months ago...a few months ago it was bad..like when you physically feel heartbreak...now its more along the lines of when I have to much time on my hands I think of her and want to talk/ hang out/ hanky panky with her....but I am here talking to you guys...so that says enough.

 

[attic]

Time to improve yourself.

If you think about her, label that thought "Let it be" and file all of them away.

 

[5chm1dd1]

Stay strict NC from now on, this has been going on for way to long since she f#cked you over.
From here on out, she never existed.

 

[Carpathian]

A year today since the b1atch dumped me. I only know because I had to search through my texts for something from my daughter and found the texts from her consoling me a year ago. Was upset for three months but met another woman 8/10 HB and I have been doing great. It gets better guys, no matter how bad you may think it is now. The sun shines again eventually.

 

[Carpathian]

@sadface54 Disappear from her life. NOW. Not tomorrow or next week after that one "final" reach-out. You are going to do it NOW. Do not answer her calls, texts, letters or anything else. YOU ARE A MAN, you will not be treated like this. Is it hard? You bet. But what is the alternative? More begging and pleading? How does that make you look in her eyes? I will tell you. Pathetic. Women want strength in a man, their man, not a big, crying. wet-lettuce pu$$y. You are not a play thing of hers to be thrown away and reeled back in when she feels like it. You are going to pick up your ba11s and start ignoring her right now.

 

[Carpathian]

Your only option when dealing with a toxic woman, whether she's borderline, bipolar, HPD, NPD, a psychopath/sociopath, has daddy issues, or is otherwise just plain fvcking bad for you,

IS TO GO COMPLETE TOTAL NO CONTACT.

If you don't, you will continue to make yourself seriously mentally sick. And you might end up in jail - and xstang sounds like you already almost have.

Don't let the awesome sex fool you. Don't be clouded by thoughts of whether she is mentally ill or not. Do not blame yourself for the demise of the relationship.

Just evacuate and GTFO. Trust me, I've been where you guys have been a hundred times and the end results with these vampires is always the same - if you stick it out or go back to them you will be mentally clusterfvcked. They will carpet bomb you with severe mental and emotional abuse. Get out, get out permanently, and the sooner you get out the sooner you will start to get better.

Don't make the same mistake I (almost) made many times - you pine for this crazy b*tch only to meet an even better hotter one and then you find yourself still thinking about an insane woman who didn't even treat you like a human being.

Amen brother. I could not have put it better myself.
\Quote you pine for this crazy b*tch only to meet an even better hotter one and then you find yourself still thinking about an insane woman who didn't even treat you like a human being /Unquote
Dude, this is the gospel. Guys, you will save yourself so much pain by following this wisdom. I also speak from experience. Somehow you (just like I did) always feel your own situation is "different" and your love was "special". It is NOT. It is the SAME as everyone else. GTFO from these toxic people or else you will sink down with them.

 

[sadface54]

If she ever hits me again I'm not going to ignore but just let her know that I have no desire to have

@sadface54 Disappear from her life. NOW. Not tomorrow or next week after that one "final" reach-out. You are going to do it NOW. Do not answer her calls, texts, letters or anything else. YOU ARE A MAN, you will not be treated like this. Is it hard? You bet. But what is the alternative? More begging and pleading? How does that make you look in her eyes? I will tell you. Pathetic. Women want strength in a man, their man, not a big, crying. wet-lettuce pu$$y. You are not a play thing of hers to be thrown away and reeled back in when she feels like it. You are going to pick up your ba11s and start ignoring her right now.

I never begged...If she contacts me though I won't ignore...I'll let her know that I have no desire to have a platonic conversation with her and if she ever wants to talk to hop on that train and be prepared for a thrashing

 

[Carpathian]

If she ever hits me again I'm not going to ignore but just let her know that I have no desire to have


I never begged...If she contacts me though I won't ignore...I'll let her know that I have no desire to have a platonic conversation with her and if she ever wants to talk to hop on that train and be prepared for a thrashing

So, when she says "jump" (at her leisure when SHE feels like it, i.e. has the power) you are going to say "how high"? That's how you will come across dude. You are implicitly agreeing to be at her beck-and-call by answering her messages and she will construe this as "he is putty in my hands" and "he is still available for me as and when I want to yank his chain". Even if you want to get back with this woman, the way you go about it is not by agreeing with her every word but by showing her you are someone to be reckoned with. I tell you again, you should ignore this woman for a few weeks at least. Let her miss you and realize you are a man of strength.
Whenever a relationship breaks down it very, very rarely gets properly back on track again dude. They almost always break back down again. I would move on from this. Do what you need to do, you asked questions of this forum and we give you our time and advice. It is up to you to decide whether to take it or not. However, you will recall the name of this thread, the no contact challenge...... There is a good reason for that.

 

[Young_Don]

So It's been 31 days of NC for me today and I'm feeling a bit better since I've been more busy with work and gym but it's still painful to think about. I still have her best friend on facebook and she uploaded a pic of them last week at a hens night with a male stripper, that kinda sent me over the edge so instead of unfriending her i just deactivated fb all together.

I do miss her a lot and I'd be lying if I said I didn't want her back but I'm doing my best to use my time wisely on myself. I still feel the physical pain of heartbreak but talking to other girls has helped a bit.

But I've come to the conclusion that if there ever was a chance of her reaching out to me again the best thing to do is continue NC and doing what I'm doing. I don't knw if I'd even take her back or even reply tbh.. I just can't help but think that she really is happier without me since she hasn't given in to contacting me, I think that's what's eating me up the most. But I guess it just goes to show how full of shyt women can be, especially when their emotions take over.

 

[MrAddiction]

New
If she ever hits me again I'm not going to ignore but just let her know that I have no desire to have....
I never begged...If she contacts me though I won't ignore...I'll let her know that I have no desire to have a platonic conversation with her and if she ever wants to talk to hop on that train and be prepared for a thrashing

It is the Wrong way. I thought I was strong enough and went that way. Definately the wrong path. The wrong direction. All it does is keeping you off from healing and heading in your own direction. NC is the only way to go.

 

[sadface54]

So, when she says "jump" (at her leisure when SHE feels like it, i.e. has the power) you are going to say "how high"? That's how you will come across dude. You are implicitly agreeing to be at her beck-and-call by answering her messages and she will construe this as "he is putty in my hands" and "he is still available for me as and when I want to yank his chain". Even if you want to get back with this woman, the way you go about it is not by agreeing with her every word but by showing her you are someone to be reckoned with. I tell you again, you should ignore this woman for a few weeks at least. Let her miss you and realize you are a man of strength.
Whenever a relationship breaks down it very, very rarely gets properly back on track again dude. They almost always break back down again. I would move on from this. Do what you need to do, you asked questions of this forum and we give you our time and advice. It is up to you to decide whether to take it or not. However, you will recall the name of this thread, the no contact challenge...... There is a good reason for that.

If she contacts me, telling her not to contact me unless its to let me know she's coming to my house to be intimate isn't..when she says jump, I say how high. It is being an adult, and honest and letting her know not to contact me unless she plans on giving me what I want. The goal is not to be in a serious relationship with this woman. I'm not a game player. Make her miss me? To what end?