The *No Contact* Challenge! ( Read this if you just got dumped)

[Reykhel]

@Young_Don

Firstly, learn to use paragraphs.

Secondly, you need full acceptance that this is dead and buried and in the past.

What you will hopefully learn is that this situation is not about the girl. It's about you. This woman has been sent and is simply an actor in
the play that is your life. Her role was to expose the holes in your psyche. Your boundaries have been exposed as weak and
thieves have entered the castle walls and stolen your gold. You had no defense for it. You practically handed the thieves the treasure chests. And now you feel the ache as the castle walls throb with an empty howl. The echo of loneliness within your walls is deafening.

The question remains: are you willing to fight to reclaim your gold? Are you ready to rebuild the castle walls?

There is much work to be done and not a moment to waste lamenting on how the thief seemed to have your best interest at heart as you were lulled into a false sense of security. You must rush to the castle gardens and dig! dig! dig man! There's gardening work to be done and it is only truly worth will and fulfilling work if your dirty your own hands and the efforts are your own. Lotus flowers will grow from blood and pain.

The level of your pain is based purely on: the level at which you have allowed yourself to become attached. For you see in our attempt to tie down any living creature we will surely become undone and lose a sense of our own purpose. Try to stop a moving train. Hold down a rooster. Clasp even a terrapin in your hands. Pick up a child that wants to play.

You became somehow emotionally dependent to this creature. You are now a slave chained by your own emotional chains. Locked in a prison of your own making. You are the prisoner and the jailer in one. You have the key but do not know it.

 

[Young_Don]

I guess I just have to convince myself that it was all bull**** so I can move on

 

[Reykhel]

I guess I just have to convince myself that it was all bull**** so I can move on

Whether it was "all bull****e" or whether it "meant nothing" is meaningless in this moment. You can choose to frame the past and past
relationships in anyway you so choose.

Meaning is fvcking relative.

Isn't it better to frame it in a way that best serves you and helps you to move forward rather than in a way that will hurt you?

Remember: This situation cannot hurt you. It's your interpretation of the situation that has the power to damage you or to inspire you. It's up to you to choose. It may be difficult to imagine it now, but in a years time you could be looking back at this situation and thinking to yourself "wow, I'm actually grateful that happened to me", because of the man you will have developed into.

1. Accept fully that it's over for good and in the past
2. Let go fully of false hope (I've seen men clinging onto hope for an eternity over "the one that got away". Fvck that)
3. Forgive if necessary (yep, it takes huge strength but it will stop you turning into 1. A bitter angry bastard angry with women and the world 2. a possible addict, angry and bitter at yourself at the world) How? Repeat (when that stupid voice comes to rummage through the past) "I forgiver her for not been the way I wanted. I forgive her and let her go". That's about you releasing negative energy that will hold you back and eat you like cancer, not about her (so no, you don't contact to say it to her. Again I repeat: The forgiveness is to combat your internal negative voice)
4. Avoid alcohol
5. Exercise (don't feel like it? force yourself to at least get up and walk and clear your head. Bang out a few push ups. Buy a punchbag and get to work on it.
6. Eat right. This is all about self care right now and on wards. Eat right and drink plenty of water. Remember you come first, if you don't look after yourself and respect yourself, why would anyone else.
7. Write a list of goals: health, fitness, career, financial, etc what things would you like to achieve? (these must be within your boundaries and realistic, and not in someone else's boundaries). Get to work on taking little actions towards these goals. Contribute a little to them each day.
8. Mindfull and assertive action: ask yourself constantly "Is this action moving me in the right action?"

 

[Young_Don]

Appreciate it mate, my head already knew this was the path I needed to take myself down but my heart is still clinging onto the hope of being with her one day. But even just admitting that now kind of feels stupid and I know I deserve better and I'm the prize, not her. This is what I needed to hear so thanks again.

 

[Brolee91]

me ad my ex broke up a few days ago and she hasn't contacted me at all since then..i'm trying to get over her but damn it's killing me, I wouldn't get back into a relationship with her but I really wouldnt mind be FWB. what should I do?

 

[attic]

Day 6 here. I often feel compelled to reach out to tell her how much I adore her.

Painful. I can't stand this ****.

Before I decided I needed to heal up she told me I make her ill and that everything we did was fake and she wished it never happened. Unbelievably stupid and callous **** from her. Part of my suffering is due to knowing a BPD's behavior is independent of that person. I had a sister who was BPD who ultimately killed herself, and so it's a gut wrenching place to get some distance and perspective for myself while I know how much BPD's suffer.


Tough pill here. Though in my time i'm already doing a lot better in health, work and other relationships.

 

[attic]

This part is basically true. Sorry to hear about it though, very tough. A lot of the negativity can sit in your subconscious for a while no matter how well you understand the disorder.

I hear you. I'm having a hard time taking responsibility for that. On the night we broke up, and the days following, the fake part hit me pretty hard. Haven't accepted it fully yet.

 

[Young_Don]

After experiencing the same thing twice now, I now feel as though every girl I meet from this point on in my life is just going to be either boring with no real connection or there may be a connection but they will just turn out to be with me for their own selfish/attention seeking/self validating/emotional needs that are only temporary and will eventually fade away.

I have never met a girl that I actually find interesting and enjoy being around that doesn't have red flags. And me, being the laid back guy that I am, I tend to take on the 'non-judgmental' outlook when dealing with women who are dealing with their own issues and I try to be understanding. Not for all girls.. 95% of women I literally couldn't give a shyt about.

My whole mentality towards eventually finding a woman that makes me want to invest time/effort into for a possible future with just seems very dull now. I don't expect that I will find another girl who I actually give a shyt about for a very long time. And I'm not a guy who is interested in sleeping with multiple women, I can get that any time from regular girls I've known for a while.
So it just seems like from this point in time until the next time I meet anyone I find remotely interesting is going to be a loooong while.

I am focusing on myself. Just graduated, got work lined up soon, I have goals to save and travel, I'm in the gym 5-6 days a week. But I am not a patient person and these goals and achievements don't feel as good to me as they should. So in the meantime I'm always reflecting on the 4 month 'almost relationship' I just got out of and it makes me angry. Even though I'm moving forward, it just doesn't feel as though I am.

 

[Nn877]

Been about 3 weeks NC, even though I still work with her, fvcking sucks. I was weak today, came close to texting her but luckily I texted some friends instead and talked me outta of it.

It's like when I feel pain and hurt I think she has to too? Right? I mean she's a girl she should be, but I don't think they do and prob going about her way. Closer and closer to the red pill I go.

 

[Young_Don]

@LARaiders85

I'll admit that I do need to get my **** together before I can commit to LTR with any girl in regards to solid work/money. I'm 24 and just got my degree to be a teacher, I have work lined up fairly soon and the money for casual rate is fairly decent here so I just have to stay patient for that.

But I feel that I do have a lot to offer a woman, but I'm not looking to just commit to any girl just because shes a 9+ in looks or is a nice girl. It's hard to find girls with the same interest as me who know how to have fun in any situation and don't mind being adventurous and getting their hands dirty. 90% of girls here (Sydney) are boring af and all try to be the same in looks and interest and it's mind numbing.

I'm back on tinder, spinning a couple plates atm and they seem pretty keen to meet up but I don't even feel like making the effort to see them, whether it's just for coffee or something that I wanna do. I have plenty of options to fvck girls I already know and I just don't see the point anymore, I don't gain anything from it except clingy-ness on their part afterwards so it's not my goal for if I do decide to meet up with a girl in the future.

 

[Nn877]

FWIW I agree with everything you said, applies to me. The first paragraph in particular. Keep in mind though that the red flag women are fake. There are some decent women you will connect with as you improve, however it's far more difficult to obtain them. You are simply not there yet or haven't found them, but you are moving forward.

Interesting point that the red flag women are fake....it's almost as if you go date one of these women they almost set the bar for furture relationships. Even though they are obv not sustainable, the emotional highs are addicting. Can this be found in a normal girl? I don't think so.

 

[Young_Don]

@Nn877

They honestly do set the bar higher for future relationships. I had a connection with this girl that I've never experienced with another person before in my life, even she said it herself. So from now on I feel like if I don't have a connection like that or better than that with a girl in the future, I'm going to lose interest very quickly. I'd prefer to stay single than to settle for less.

 

[attic]

Day 8 here. Yesterday was hard, mentally I was going back and forth pretty hard with the desire to contact vs realizing that was not a healthy choice to make.

The split with a BPD is sudden and severe. For me it all ended via a txt (as it did the other breakups with this one). This from a woman who spoke her love and admiration for me constantly. Having read others experiences with BPD's has been instrumental in giving me perspective. -basically, yea we got played, and we let ourselves get played.

I have some shame to deal with.

Still confused and hurt deeply. Staying strong and glad I found this forum and community. I've got a lot of growing up and maturing to do to be where I want to in my relationships.

 

[Bigsmilez]

Day 1

I don't know if I belong here, and I don't feel up to the challenge. My gf just ended things with me today, pretty much out of nowhere. We had a great relationship to this point, but about a week ago she had some serious issues with a close family member's mental health, and decided that this (along with a major professional exam she is preparing for/stress at work) meant she "did not need a relationship right now." She came over and we spoke in person, and I told her I understood her needs and that I wouldn't contact her. She said she didn't know how she felt or what she needed, and that she didn't want to say we would never be together in the future, but that she needed space and to be alone right now. She's the type of person who, if she didn't want to be with me, would straight up say so. But this definitely felt like a permanent breakup conversation.

I've read tons of your stories, and I feel weird posting here since there were no problems with our relationship or BPD/NPD, she's genuinely an amazing person and the only woman I ever found myself seeing a future with.

Obviously I'm skeptical of her reasoning, but I think it could be true. We were constantly together or texting/face-timing, and I've seen her on her phone and computer many times and there is no sign that she's been talking to other guys while we were together. So I can only assume it's either her personal issues or that she's over me and found an excuse to see other people. But from what I've seen and experienced, she was very much into me until this very legitimate family issue arose.

I've successfully gone NC with my most recent two previous LTR BPDs (and failed other times before that, when I didn't know about NC). I never heard back from either of them, but after a few weeks I was over them and had moved on. I'm no stranger to how this works, but this time it's VERY different. It's a long shot, but I feel like there's a small change this ex might work through her issues and contact me. And in the off-chance that happens, I don't know what I'll do. I've fallen for this one, hard.

I definitely need to go NC for myself, because I know firsthand how much worse things get when I break NC. It's the only way I'll get through this and keep my sanity/dignity. But I also know that's the only way she'll come back to me. I try to fight that feeling, but deep down it's what I know I truly want. I don't want to lie and say I wouldn't do anything to get her back right now.

In the meantime I'll do the typical NC dance: hitting the gym and working on myself. But am I in the right place? Any hope for me?

If you break your NC, you'll be upset at yourself as well dealing with starting over. Plus..now you'll look needy and for sure she'll be gone. I am 4 days into a NC. When I feel like contacting her...I journal my thoughts. Sometimes I write a letter and then throw it away. That seems to help get the thoughts out of my head for awhile.

 

[xstang77]

Just wanted to reach out to a few of you gentleman regarding break ups with a cluster b. I was there for 2 years I know how awful it feels I even almost went to jail because of mine. I know how it feels that you couldn't help fix them but all those nasty things and knowing there mentally ill gives you the fuel and anger to move on, I know it doesn't seem that way but it's so much easier to upgrade from them.when you lose someone who was actually good to you
The WHOLE time it feels 20x worse,I know how bad you guys feel about it but trust me,use this as a lesson and know pretty much any half decent girl that isn't cluster b is an upgrade.

 

[Roober]

Day 8 here. Yesterday was hard, mentally I was going back and forth pretty hard with the desire to contact vs realizing that was not a healthy choice to make.

The split with a BPD is sudden and severe. For me it all ended via a txt (as it did the other breakups with this one). This from a woman who spoke her love and admiration for me constantly. Having read others experiences with BPD's has been instrumental in giving me perspective. -basically, yea we got played, and we let ourselves get played.

I have some shame to deal with.

Still confused and hurt deeply. Staying strong and glad I found this forum and community. I've got a lot of growing up and maturing to do to be where I want to in my relationships.

It happens. We fall. We learn. We pickup ourselves up. And we are better for it. Keep it up!

 

[Chev.Chelios]

Your only option when dealing with a toxic woman, whether she's borderline, bipolar, HPD, NPD, a psychopath/sociopath, has daddy issues, or is otherwise just plain fvcking bad for you,

IS TO GO COMPLETE TOTAL NO CONTACT.

If you don't, you will continue to make yourself seriously mentally sick. And you might end up in jail - and xstang sounds like you already almost have.

Don't let the awesome sex fool you. Don't be clouded by thoughts of whether she is mentally ill or not. Do not blame yourself for the demise of the relationship.

Just evacuate and GTFO. Trust me, I've been where you guys have been a hundred times and the end results with these vampires is always the same - if you stick it out or go back to them you will be mentally clusterfvcked. They will carpet bomb you with severe mental and emotional abuse. Get out, get out permanently, and the sooner you get out the sooner you will start to get better.

Don't make the same mistake I (almost) made many times - you pine for this crazy b*tch only to meet an even better hotter one and then you find yourself still thinking about an insane woman who didn't even treat you like a human being.

Damn straight..

 

[attic]

Day 14.

Hell yes. Finally starting to get my head back, still completely ****ed up, but I see the path.


I saw a demon lurch out of her one night while we slept. I was gonna go cuddle and that thing tried to bite my head off. You would think that would have been my warning to GTFO. I said to myself, "Na, I got this". Goddamnit.

Close call here fellas. Getting away from a BPD, at first you cant tell which way is up.

 

[sadface54]

Here's my tale...Me and this girl I had a ldr ended about 4 months ago...Right after the breakup I was a complete biotch. I did everyhting you can think of except say please take me back. She is now in a ldr relationship with a marine. I started no contact with her after I contacted her saying I needed her to be m calm as I had just gotten intoo an altercation with a friend. She responded via text she was sorry she couldn't be available, and good night :'(. At that point I figured I'd never hear from her again and initiated no contact.

Maybe a week later she called me. I didn't answer, she than added me on facebook, emailed me asking If I blocked her..than texted me goodnight to which I responded goodnight. She responded do you hate me I said no I'm at my friends house (lies). She said okay I'll talk to you later.

Maybe a week and a half later she called me again, this time to be her calm as she says im the only person she trust in that regard. I texted her and told her I'd call her later. I texted her around 1030 kind of hoping she would be asleep but she wasn't and we spoke. Again, I was being used o be her calm. Within that phone conversation which I ended maybe 30 minutes in, she said she thought about taking the train (would have been 2 trains) to come see me and surprise me. When I told her i would be getting off the phone with her in like 30 minutes she responded by saying "tonight".

After our conversation she thanked me in a text and I asked her if she wanted to see a movie with me, she responded that she would be going upstate that weekend but would cut the trip short to come see me. She would eventually flake, however, she asked if she could see me that tuesday during my one hour lunch break and treat me to lunch...to which I responeded no because it would not be practical, she lives an 1 and a hlaf away. When i spoke with her about that she said she wanted to show her commitment. Idk?

I called her maybe twice since than we'd have small talk, but one day I texted her and essentially told her that we weren't friends and I missed her and couldn't carry on a platonic relationship with her, and if things ever dissolved with her man to hop on that train and come see me. She responded, thank you for trusting me with that information, I'm sorry this is my farewell, goodnight. And I responded goodnight. That's the last I've heard from her...now going on a week and some change of NC. Any thoughts?

I'm not as invested and heartbroken with the situation as I was a few months ago...a few months ago it was bad..like when you physically feel heartbreak...now its more along the lines of when I have to much time on my hands I think of her and want to talk/ hang out/ hanky panky with her....but I am here talking to you guys...so that says enough.

 

[attic]

Time to improve yourself.

If you think about her, label that thought "Let it be" and file all of them away.