The *No Contact* Challenge! ( Read this if you just got dumped)

[Carpathian]

@Juan Manuel You need to immediately stop looking at her on the computer. Delete everything to do with her or put it in a box or put it on a USB stick and leave it somewhere where you will not be tempted to look. Do not under ANY circumstances contact her. You must stop contacting her completely, there is NO reason from now on that you should contact her. If SHE calls YOU you must tell her that, in light of recent events, you are also no longer sure about her and want time out where you will not be contacting her. Turn the tables on her and make her feel insecure. And then on ignore her. Stop being weak and see yourself as a man of value, someone she should cherish and chase. You are not a second class citizen to her. You must fight fire with fire, give her a taste of her own medicine. She will respect you for it and think more positively towards you. After a few weeks of that she may come back to you begging. You can review the situation then.

Read this:
http://forum.bodybuilding.com/showthread.php?t=3724061

It is normal to be obsessed with her and think about nothing else in the immediate aftermath of a breakup. It takes time - weeks and months - for these feelings to go. There is nothing wrong with you. My ex dumped me in March. I have a new woman now but I still think about the ex a lot, especially since she is now blowing up my phone. How did that happen? NO CONTACT.

 

[resilient]

@Juan ManuelI have a new woman now but I still think about the ex a lot, especially since she is now blowing up my phone. How did that happen? NO CONTACT.

Funny reading that, I now realize just how low my last ex-fwb interest level was since I'm four days away from hitting the 30 day mark and I've only received one text message the day after that break up just to say she was flaking on me that day for a meet up with acquaintances.

*edit*

LMAO! 10 minutes after I wrote this, I got my first text message asking how I was and where she could go to receive lessons for a hobby that I do. I got to be strong.

I shouldn't reply to this text message...........

 

[tenocv]

Yeah - replying to the text is like going after the breadcrumbs... it leads nowhere...

You feel a bit of release and then you realize you're back to the same situation.

Don't do it...

 

[Juan Manuel]

DAY 6
Thank you very much for both advices. I read the post of the bodybuilding forum and then reread some of my conversations with this girl. And now I am f***ing angry at myself for not break up with her a few months ago when this was starting. I have been the backup of that b****. I delete her from my social networks and I restricted her sister, which is my best friend girl.... This No Contact will be now easier as all the happy moments we had had been now tarnished by herself. And the worst thing is I let her do this to me, I hate myself so much for trusting her. I feel I gave her so much from me and the thing I got back was "I am sorry, lets be friends". What a waste of time and energy

 

[Carpathian]

Yeah - replying to the text is like going after the breadcrumbs... it leads nowhere...

You feel a bit of release and then you realize you're back to the same situation.

Don't do it...

^^^^^THIS^^^^^^

 

[resilient]

Yeah - replying to the text is like going after the breadcrumbs... it leads nowhere...

You feel a bit of release and then you realize you're back to the same situation.

Don't do it...

Thanks for the reply to my post. I didn't respond to her text after all. I'm going to uphold NC. I like the accountability of this forum.

Sometimes you need a bro to remind us to say no to the ex vortex.

 

[Sh717]

Any word of advice? Something that I should be doing? I am going to the gym (3 week streak now), to a psychologist and to a nutritionist in the hopes of working on myself. I will put a big effort in stop stalking her on social networks and do this no contact challenge. I want to man up, but sometimes I think I wont. Some part of me says, "don't give up, she is worth it, don't forget her", but later on I feel waves of humiliation and sadness.

Do you actually want a girl that left you in your hard times? How can you blame yourself for getting depressed?? It's the hard times that show who get to stay in our lives and who has to go.

This girl is trash, if you keep lifting and improving overall your life quality is going to skyrocket.. this moment that you are in now will feel like a bad joke in the future. This is from someone who went from a skinnyfat to fitness model physique, time and patience. Let this disappointment of girl be your fuel and keep her in mind when the day comes and your biggest problem will be having to charge your phone cus you have too many girls trying to get your attention.

I know that right now everything seems to be meaningless but minute by minute, hour by hour and day by day - you will think less of her until she becomes a distant memory but you must help yourself. Go full NC. Block her everywhere, everytime you check up on her it will be like a knife into your heart, thoughts racing "is she seeing anyone" and then you go stalking her. Save yourself this heartache because you are only hurting yourself doing this. Let's say she is seeing someone? What are you going to do? Yell at her? Guilt trip her? Exactly, nothing you can do if you have a spine and some dignity.
Be your own hero man and just look forward, in the future you might run into her again but speaking from own experience, she will be nothing to you but some good old memories and an empty shell. Cherish those, forget her.

 

[Firestar786]

Day 1
My ex has been calling me a million times a day every day Of this week

I thought I would entertain it

The feelings rushed back, but it only took one small trip up from her to realise the reason why I walked away. I simply don't trust her.

That's the end of it now, just need a few weeks to get my **** together and start chasing new sluts

 

[Carpathian]

DAY 6
Thank you very much for both advices. I read the post of the bodybuilding forum and then reread some of my conversations with this girl. And now I am f***ing angry at myself for not break up with her a few months ago when this was starting.

When the relationship is dying, like a car going over a cliff, you need to recognize this, recognize her low interest and lack of time and respect towards you and get out first with your dignity intact. You would not stay in a car when it is going over a cliff would you? Of course not, you would jump out. So why do guys stick around in relationships that are going over the cliff and have long been dysfunctional in the hope that it'll "turn round"? They NEVER turn round when they get to this stage and the world is full of unhappy guys stuck in sexless relationships/marriages who never got this fact. Getting out and dumping her shows her your strength and gives YOU the power to dictate the terms if there is any future running left in it.

My ex still blowing up my phone. No way will I get back with her.

 

[Reykhel]

'Dear child' lol

There was a way of explaining in queens English as to not belittle me.

But still, your the 38 yo on an Internet forum writing about sluts as opposed to f0cking them

Word of advice- turn your computer off and see the world for what it is.
Also I'm not here to engage in some online debate with you, I have better things to do. Clearly you don't.

You are in pain on the recently dumped thread and are reactionary. I empathize. It's going to be alright.

I'm going to help you.....let's work on the holes in your tattered inner game...

There was a way of explaining in queens English as to not belittle me.

I didn't belittle you. You felt belittled by what I wrote. There's a world of difference. There's offense given and offense taken. You've allowed yourself to feel belittled by a stranger on the internet. Woe is you, a little reactionary leaf been blown by the winds.

But still, your the 38 yo on an Internet forum writing about sluts as opposed to f0cking them

Interesting. Where shall we begin. Let's call it what is shall we. The old feminist shaming tactic: the charge of puerility : The Peter Pan Charge.

"look at you, 38 years of age and on an internet forum talking about sluts instead of fvcking them" ......But wait.....let's give you the benefit of the doubt.....let's say your not a feminized little girl........let's say you are being authentic.......then I urge you to make a thread and call out every poster here over a certain age and "call them out".......call them out for being over a certain age and being on an "internet forum writing about sluts instead of fvcking them" Here's one or two that are older than me but still on an internet forum talking about sluts.....@Espi , @guru1000 , @resilient ..........So is your statement authentic? If so then in your eyes it applies to a lot of posters her and you should really create a thread about it and help these posters "see the world for what it is".

Or is it just a little feminized girl crying (for the record, I'm not writing about fvcking sluts........so viewing this imagined argument that you've conducted I'm tending to go with the latter argument.

Word of advice- turn your computer off and see the world for what it is.

Your unsolicited and ignorant advice is slightly amusing. I bet you've never being outside your little uncultured english village. Educate yourself before offering advice. Your ignorance is appalling.

Also I'm not here to engage in some online debate with you, I have better things to do. Clearly you don't.

This is probably my favorite sentence that you wrote. The irony in this one was really a thing of beauty. You were logged on to the internet on an internet forum on a thread for people who just got dumped and telling "me" or rather my profile, who wasn't logged in at the time that you had better things to do than engage in an online debate with you and (as per the above message) I should turn off my computer, you have better things to do...LOL TALK ABOUT PROJECTION....

You clearly feel like a loser because of the fact that you're on an online forum talking about sluts instead of fvcking them (you who is doing that). YOU'RE PROJECTING THAT ALL OVER THE PLACE!!!! Take your response to @Tenacity in another thread ......."I've better things to do with my Tuesday evening than debate with you (it wasn't a fvcking debate, he asked you a question).....CLEARLY YOU HADN'T BETTER THINGS TO DO ON YOUR TUESDAY EVENING AND YOU WERE LOGGED INTO SOSUAVE WISHING YOU HAD BETTER THINGS TO DO.............

Oh and you were debating with me? That was cute........I, from your own reaction, chastised you.........there was no debate..........you're clearly struggling with the English language and basic comprehension concepts, I think debating would be a bit of stretch at this moment......little by little......eh......

examine these holes in your inner game son. Work on yourself, we are here for you.

remember: the truth will set you free.

 

[Carpathian]

I'm 49 and value this forum and thread greatly. One should never be too old (or arrogant) to learn from people more experienced in this area of life, even if they are much younger than me - and most of you are. The principles of this thread - namely, never chase after being dumped and stay in NC - are the same no matter what language or culture.

My game was completely sh!t until I came across this thread and forum. I chased and pursued. This thread/forum has helped me immeasurably and I have learned a lot and I continue to learn. This stuff should be taught in school. I am with a 9/10 woman now and have been since June and it is going great. Long may that continue. She says things like "your just so different from other guys" and "you've really got it together" and things like that; things I have learned here. I have much to be grateful for to the Senior and Master Don Juan's and even "beginners" here who make incitement commentary and thus further reinforcing the fact that I [we] am on the right path.

Brothers, let's be careful not to flame each other and get the thread closed down by the moderators.

 

[RatedR]

2 MONTHS 2 DAYS NC...and counting

Been feeling down lately, thinking of her. But I always remember why I left her. Even though it does hurt, I try to accept the sadness and give myself a few days/hours to completely think of all the sadness and move on....

I wished I could have just "turnoff" any feelings for that particular woman. It ain't as easy...unfortunately.

But I am happy with my strict NC!

I know it will get better, I AM 100% sure it will...temporary stuff..

 

[PumpFake]

DAY 1:
I have been a longtime lurker of this forum and my number has finally been called. I will admit it, particularly because this is an online forum, that yes I was in fact dumped. During the break up I begged and pleaded, lost my cool, screamed and yelled. I essentially went against the two years of precedent that I had built up during this mostly good relationship.

I have been in other relationships but I have never been dumped before (I always initiated the dumping), this time is different.

Context: Unfortunately we are going to different schools (she's transferring about 2 hours away for her graduate program), and it was dawning on both of us that long distance was not going to work. I was overcome and distraught at the thought of losing her when we breached this topic so I reverted back into a mewling little beta, which despite having worked extremely hard on my frame and attempting to becoming infallible Alpha still happened. I had cheated on her in the past, and despite making amends and building back up trust it was ultimately one of the major factors in why she did not want to do long distance (in retrospect neither did I but my FEAR of losing her completely outweighed my rational brain telling me that long distance doesn't work). It probably didn't help that I was extremely drunk. I am under the impression that depending on the circumstances it can happen to anyone! I have to keep the mentality that it only goes up from here.

Thoughts: I think one of the most important things that I have to deal with is the no contact rule. She called me today and I am happy to say I did not pickup. I still have the mentality of thinking that this girl was my special snowflake, the one for me ect. While I hope that the sadness goes away I am starting to realize that it is okay to be sad, and pretending like you don't miss her is the wrong move because it will inevitably lead to repressed sadness. I have removed her from all social media in an effort to give myself some mental space. My biggest problem is the jealousy factor of imagining her with other guys, partying and having fun. I assume she is hurting just as bad as I am as we were very close during our relationship but honestly who knows.

Goals:
-I have signed a contract with myself that unless it is an emergency and contact is impossible to avoid I must not contact her.
-I am going to go to the gym at least 5 times a week.
-I am going to run at least twice a week
-I am going to write daily in order to be able to look back on this experience and be happy at how much it has improved me as a person
-I am going to be a lot more extroverted at my college
-I am going to talk to every pretty girl that I come across so long as the circumstances permit it

I do not know any of you personally but I just want to say that the community here over the years has helped more people than we can possibly imagine. I know that if I did not have an outlet like this I would certainly be making the mistakes that many guys making post break up.
Love y'all.

 

[BeTheChange]

^ Bro don't be too hard on yourself with regards to the begging and pleading. At least it's day one. Sh*t happens. Just make sure you quit that weak behaviour from here on out.

Google "Sosuave Pook Break Up"

Will do wonders to giving you the right mindset and seeing this breakup for what it is. Opportunity.

 

[PumpFake]

^ Appreciate it dude. I realize that I am on a better trajectory as long distance seldom works out, but it doesn't change how I feel about her currently. Time/Other Women will only help with that. It's just a really bad situation and I know I have to follow the rules (NC) in order to heal as a man. I will be updating as much as possible and I appreciate the space to do so.

 

[Glassguy]

I am baaaaaccccckkkkkk!!!!!!

October 6th- the 1 yr anniversary of "the proposal". I was past the point of realizing it, been broke up since February.

Got a text bright and early from the ex that said "Regardless what our status is, today will always be our anniversary and the day you bought me the ring of my dreams".

I gave her a very civil response of "Nice you hear from you, glad we have remained civil, hope everything is well with your family". I responded 5 hours after she texted me.

Then she texts me saying she mailed me a letter because she felt there were things she needed to say and I needed to hear. I didnt respond. She then texted me several more times later Thursday and Friday. I responded, but didnt acknowledge this letter or "anniversary" talk. One word responses that led to me saying "I have to go, busy weekend lined up".

Anyways, got the letter today (She mailed it to my business).

Several glaring points she made:

1.) How she always felt so secure with me and how she didnt grasp it at the time, even though she still cant pinpoint why she called off the wedding. How she still loves me, yada yada. How she realizes that the connection we had doesnt come around very often (Grass isnt always greener on the other side, is it? lol)

2.) How she felt inadequate as a role model for my daughter (she has no kids and was never married) and even says she felt as if my daughter was "the other woman" and didnt know how to fit in.

3.) How she thinks about me every day (even though she has been dating another dude since April).

4.) Thanking me for all of the things I did for her (that I dont do for any of the women I am dating, thus things are great with them with me being aloof and scarce with them most of the time).

5.) She finishes with " I am not writing this to ask you back or tell you that walking away was a mistake. I just want you to know that I appreciate you and still love you and part of me will always love you. I hope this doesnt make you more upset or confused. I hope it makes you happy. I hope you arent angy or bitter. I felt like you deserved something from me and I'm sorry it has taken this long. I am sorry I broke your heart. Oct 6th will always be a special day for me".

To me, it sounds like she has a touch of BPD. When we broke up she was hot and cold, mixed signals, would reach out when I went ghost and would stop communicating was soon as I took the bait.

Her letter was somewhat more of the same. Some reaching out, yet voicing her thoughts to make HER feel better about the break up.

I have been spinning plates since the break up in February. Banged 9 chick since then, some once or twice others countless times. I moved on and yet for some reason, 8 months later, she feels the need to start texting me and sends me this letter.

I am very indifferent as I have moved on, which is a good feeling. We had a great 2.5 yr relationship yet she walked away from it. I'll be honest, if her letter was one where she was really reaching out hard "I made an awful mistake.....blah blah" I would be lying to say it wouldnt spark just a tiny bit of interest.

I might respond in a few days when she asks me if I got the letter (and she will after she doesnt hear from me). Then again I might not.

If I do, it will be something very civil and just let her know that I left the relationship at her door when she gave me the ring back and I am at the point where I am just "indifferent" about the entire situation because I dont have emotions either way anymore. I'll let her know that I found someone soon after the breakup that was looking at me feeling sorry for myself, in the mirror, and I got myself back.

She has realized that the grass isnt greener on the others side and friendship and connections like we had arent waiting around every corner.

To me that's a compliment and a win. It satisfies me to know that she feels that way and thats closure enough for me.

 

[Tony197]

Exactly that, Im addicted to f*cked up stuck up trouble woman.
Yeah I can, even at University, I'm listening to all sorts and have gotten sick of my new playlist after a week lol, have you got any more reccomendations song wise?

Adz--

Maybe I'm just fortunate, but I play my iPod on shuffle and the right song always seems to play eventually.

 

[Herb]

I assume this "no contact" rule works mostly or best when its with an actual ex or someone you've gotten to know well and built up some kind of connection or relationship with, and not with girls you're just trying to get or only have been with once. Also it doesn't really apply much to me since all my exes are girls who I really don't want anything to do with anymore. I have noticed some do try to talk to me randomly after a few months, but it's usually just bad news if you try to restart something and you know it's not meant to be.

But all the times I've intentionally used the no contact tactic with girls who just kind of make up excuses for not being able to meet, or stop replying, or friendzone me, it's never worked to my advantage. Nine times out of ten they simply stop talking to me as well and I never hear from them again. I guess that means I've just never built up the right amount of rapport and connection with them in the first place and they're just not that interested. I've tried the approach in an argument or situation where I can tell its not going well, where I try to act like the bigger man and stay centered and nonchalant, like its no big deal, and leave the ball in their court, saying it's up to them and well hey if you want to chat or meet up sometime, hit me up, if not then peace. It almost never worked, and they just don't reply. So maybe this isn't the best strategy to just automatically use in any situation; you need to assess where you stand in relation to her. Oddly, sometimes I've honestly gotten further by apologizing to her, which in a few cases gave me a second chance and allowed me to make up for it when meeting up. Although I'll admit, much of the time that just makes you look weak and further lose respect.

I will say that I have noticed some girls who I used to like and tried going for, but messed up with in the process, have looked me up on Facebook randomly like months or a year later. I tried sending them one last text that was interesting, like making up some crazy story or joke and tying it to them (which sometimes works when a girl is losing interest). Even though at the time they didn't reply, it may have planted a seed, so to speak, and piqued their interest, since I keep getting notifications on Facebook asking if I know them, despite us not having talked for up to a year. Or they could just be trying to look me up to show me to their friends and laugh about me haha...

 

[Juan Manuel]

DAY 12
I found a post on Yahoo Answers about a very similar case to mine. As a summary, the guy was in a LDR with the girl, but one day she told him that she felt they drifted too far apart and, though she loved him, they needed to break up. And they did. And the girl also told him that some day they could be back together, and that shes not looking for another guy. This is exactly what happened to me. One of the answer was from a woman saying she was in the same situation (she being the one who wanted to break apart) and her advice was not to lose contact. In the case of the woman, she did meet him, but since they didn't talked for all that break, things were not the same and she felt disappointed. So this is really making me think that I should talk to my girl.

I made the mistake of adding her number back to Whatsapp only to find that she deleted her status (in the past, her status was a heart). This breaks my heart because it is a sign that she is moving forward and it really hurts me. I want to break the no contact and tell her that I miss her. In my mind, I still believed that in one month we would be working together to have a happy relationship. If I am at the library, I cannot do anything from my coursework and if I am at home, I masturbate compulsively to relieve anxiety. These last 10 days are destroying me and I kept thinking that I would like to abandon my studies to chase her. Deep down inside I know she is enjoying her life as if nothing happened, while I am in the opposite state. I also known that eventually we will become two strangers, because she wont care at all. One day, she will chitchat to someone: "I kind of remember a poor guy drowning in the pool" and that is everything my suffering would mean to her.

For the last two weeks I have been forcing myself to eat more and to go to the gym in order to gain weight. I haven't skipped a session but I feel I will fall apart soon. Reading again what I wrote, I realize that I am not at all a man.

 

[resilient]

@Juan... you have oneitis man. I've read your other two posts, you need to move on. It's good that you're consistent with the gym. However, you need other coping mechanisms to relieve anxiety. I googled "9 ways to reduce anxiety..." a 4 minute read worth your time. Focus on your studies and less on the past (her). Don't put yourself down either that's not helping your situation.

Day 31
Reaching the indifference phase. I don't think about her daily anymore. Juggling goals and being more social is helping me not to think about the ex-fwb.