The *No Contact* Challenge! ( Read this if you just got dumped)

[Carpathian]

Well done @Firestar786 keep it up man.

 

[SuccessIsDestiny]

@Firestar786 Good stuff I see you.

DAY 30

Feels like ages since the break. Thoughts getting better so is work and everything else with it. Right now I'm planning a couple trips abroad. If you're just starting NC wipe the slate clean. Know that each day you'll grow stronger and think of them less and less. NC is power...why contact and give them the power back.

 

[Grozer Compozer]

Day 56, any opinions and advice are appreciated (long post)

Background,

Was in a relationship with a much younger and attractive lady. When I met her I was in shape and spinning plates. Swept her off her feet. Probably the best relationship I have ever had. She pushed me to become a better person. 13 months later, major beta backsliding. Not the being a pushover beta part as much as getting fat and playing video games all day because I felt I was entitled to the relationship. Ignored her too much. She broke it off (lack of rapport, attraction, interest drop), I went NC and starting spinning plates again. Got back in shape.

She contacted me a few times (of course....) with "I hope all is well" and "Hey how are you" and I responded politely but kept it short. I know that's not NC but I kept aloof and never brought up the breakup. Kept the phone calls that she initiated super short because I was "busy". I never initiated any contact. Some of her friends kept in contact and were super friendly, which was strange. She wanted to meet for coffee, which we did. She was semi flirty, gave me some stuff back, but I could see in her eyes that they were dilated and enjoyed my company. I broke off the coffee meeting after 40 minutes because I "had plans with friends."

Ran into her dad with a hot new girl I was dating who had a PHD (which I knew would drive my ex crazy because she was obsessed with education and was super proud of her masters /eyeroll). I know he reported it to her. Anyway, after that, she stopped contacting. That was 1 month in.

Another month goes by (56 days), and I don't know why, but I reached out to her to grab a drink. She was polite and short, so was I, but she agreed to meet up. She responded to my messages instantly. I don't know why I even contacted her again. I tell myself that it's to prove that I can face her and be cool. A challenge of sorts as I think about her a lot, usually first thing in the morning. On the other hand, I'm afraid its simple oneitis.

Questions,
1) How to behave at this meetup? I aim to either get laid after rejection for the ego boost, or genuinely enjoy her company as a human being, or....

2) Am I failsauce for contacting her again? I'm having no problem getting girls, and feel my game is tighter than ever, but I feel like maybe I screwed up a good thing.

3) Was being an uncaring ******* the reason that she stuck around? Or the reason it fell apart? Should I amp up the uncaring ******* post breakup, or is that just me childishly lashing out at someone I loved who hurt me by leaving?

 

[dude99]

Day 56, any opinions and advice are appreciated (long post)

Background,

Was in a relationship with a much younger and attractive lady. When I met her I was in shape and spinning plates. Swept her off her feet. Probably the best relationship I have ever had. She pushed me to become a better person. 13 months later, major beta backsliding. Not the being a pushover beta part as much as getting fat and playing video games all day because I felt I was entitled to the relationship. Ignored her too much. She broke it off (lack of rapport, attraction, interest drop), I went NC and starting spinning plates again. Got back in shape.

She contacted me a few times (of course....) with "I hope all is well" and "Hey how are you" and I responded politely but kept it short. I know that's not NC but I kept aloof and never brought up the breakup. Kept the phone calls that she initiated super short because I was "busy". I never initiated any contact. Some of her friends kept in contact and were super friendly, which was strange. She wanted to meet for coffee, which we did. She was semi flirty, gave me some stuff back, but I could see in her eyes that they were dilated and enjoyed my company. I broke off the coffee meeting after 40 minutes because I "had plans with friends."

Ran into her dad with a hot new girl I was dating who had a PHD (which I knew would drive my ex crazy because she was obsessed with education and was super proud of her masters /eyeroll). I know he reported it to her. Anyway, after that, she stopped contacting. That was 1 month in.

Another month goes by (56 days), and I don't know why, but I reached out to her to grab a drink. She was polite and short, so was I, but she agreed to meet up. She responded to my messages instantly. I don't know why I even contacted her again. I tell myself that it's to prove that I can face her and be cool. A challenge of sorts as I think about her a lot, usually first thing in the morning. On the other hand, I'm afraid its simple oneitis.

Questions,
1) How to behave at this meetup? I aim to either get laid after rejection for the ego boost, or genuinely enjoy her company as a human being, or....

2) Am I failsauce for contacting her again? I'm having no problem getting girls, and feel my game is tighter than ever, but I feel like maybe I screwed up a good thing.

3) Was being an uncaring ******* the reason that she stuck around? Or the reason it fell apart? Should I amp up the uncaring ******* post breakup, or is that just me childishly lashing out at someone I loved who hurt me by leaving?

Be careful you don't want too meet back uo with her because you want to "win" the break up. No contact is for you too heal and to move on starting life in a brand new direction. Meeting for coffee and talking although brief is just keeping you on her string.

 

[Grozer Compozer]

Be careful you don't want too meet back uo with her because you want to "win" the break up. No contact is for you too heal and to move on starting life in a brand new direction. Meeting for coffee and talking although brief is just keeping you on her string.

Very good point. Starting to feel like breaking n/c was a mistake.

 

[Carpathian]

Day 56, any opinions and advice are appreciated (long post)

Background,

Was in a relationship with a much younger and attractive lady. When I met her I was in shape and spinning plates. Swept her off her feet. Probably the best relationship I have ever had. She pushed me to become a better person. 13 months later, major beta backsliding. Not the being a pushover beta part as much as getting fat and playing video games all day because I felt I was entitled to the relationship. Ignored her too much. She broke it off (lack of rapport, attraction, interest drop), I went NC and starting spinning plates again. Got back in shape.

She contacted me a few times (of course....) with "I hope all is well" and "Hey how are you" and I responded politely but kept it short. I know that's not NC but I kept aloof and never brought up the breakup. Kept the phone calls that she initiated super short because I was "busy". I never initiated any contact. Some of her friends kept in contact and were super friendly, which was strange. She wanted to meet for coffee, which we did. She was semi flirty, gave me some stuff back, but I could see in her eyes that they were dilated and enjoyed my company. I broke off the coffee meeting after 40 minutes because I "had plans with friends."

Ran into her dad with a hot new girl I was dating who had a PHD (which I knew would drive my ex crazy because she was obsessed with education and was super proud of her masters /eyeroll). I know he reported it to her. Anyway, after that, she stopped contacting. That was 1 month in.

Another month goes by (56 days), and I don't know why, but I reached out to her to grab a drink. She was polite and short, so was I, but she agreed to meet up. She responded to my messages instantly. I don't know why I even contacted her again. I tell myself that it's to prove that I can face her and be cool. A challenge of sorts as I think about her a lot, usually first thing in the morning. On the other hand, I'm afraid its simple oneitis.

Questions,
1) How to behave at this meetup? I aim to either get laid after rejection for the ego boost, or genuinely enjoy her company as a human being, or....

2) Am I failsauce for contacting her again? I'm having no problem getting girls, and feel my game is tighter than ever, but I feel like maybe I screwed up a good thing.

3) Was being an uncaring ******* the reason that she stuck around? Or the reason it fell apart? Should I amp up the uncaring ******* post breakup, or is that just me childishly lashing out at someone I loved who hurt me by leaving?

Sounds to me like she broke up with you in the first place for the RIGHT reasons - you getting fat and video playing games all day. I don't blame her - what decent girl wants a fat, lazy man? In light of that and the fact you got back in shape and upped your stock maybe she wants another chance now you have sorted yourself out. Only you can weigh this up. Personally and with my own hindsight I believe that if the relationship has ended once it can do so very easily and for very spurious reasons in the future. That's not to say it will for certainty but it is highly probable. You should understand - and others on here will tell you the same - that subsequent make-up/break-up cycles become increasingly painful and take longer to recover from. Knowing what I now know about my own on-again/off-again ex I would ignore and move on.

 

[Carpathian]

Be careful you don't want too meet back uo with her because you want to "win" the break up. No contact is for you too heal and to move on starting life in a brand new direction. Meeting for coffee and talking although brief is just keeping you on her string.

^^^^ Very true

 

[Grozer Compozer]

Sounds to me like she broke up with you in the first place for the RIGHT reasons - you getting fat and video playing games all day. I don't blame her - what decent girl wants a fat, lazy man? In light of that and the fact you got back in shape and upped your stock maybe she wants another chance now you have sorted yourself out. Only you can weigh this up. Personally and with my own hindsight I believe that if the relationship has ended once it can do so very easily and for very spurious reasons in the future. That's not to say it will for certainty but it is highly probable. You should understand - and others on here will tell you the same - that subsequent make-up/break-up cycles become increasingly painful and take longer to recover from. Knowing what I now know about my own on-again/off-again ex I would ignore and move on.

Thanks. That's the truth. She was a good girl and I ****ed it up. But there are a millions of them and now I know what to work on (avoid video games like the plague, keep in shape, and focus on my business), so when I meet an even better girl, I wont make the same mistakes. That hard learned lesson is what makes the breakup a good thing. Plus, as my guy friend reminded me, she was also a "bossy, controlling, feminist." Good riddance!

 

[searching solace]

Day 0

Called her yesterday. She told me she was in love with someone else and didn't want to be with me anymore. Told her to come round. Said she had a date with the guy, but would come over beforehand.

Told her I'd grown a lot and saw things differently. She wasn't receptive. I kept pushing. The guy she was meant to be on a date with was calling/ texting and she delayed it so I decided to keep trying. Basically played some serious beta game. Eventually she succumbed. Smashed her about 5 times last night and this morning.

Wasn't the same. I don't think I like her as I used to. It was partly an ego thing...to know I could still have her.... We want to "make things work" but I'm not even sure anymore and I'm definitely not giving up all the plates I'm racking up...it's crazy out there right now.

I believe the advice you gave to me in my thread after I had replied amicably ONCE to my (bpd) ex after she contacted me after 7 months of NC - and only to help give myself closure - included:

"What is wrong with you? Why would you ever let a woman know she had that power over you?"
"I don't understand why you are handling this so badly. Move on. Work on yourself and heal"
"Eyes wide open now bro. Don't let them back in at all."

Unless this is a different girl in question (and I doubt it very much), you are just a self-indulgent hypocrite with zero self-control and you have no right to be giving advice to anyone in a similar position.

Disappointed.

 

[Tony197]

One month NC. Three months post BU.

Hardest breakup I've ever had. They say the hardest ranked by recovery time are #1 - The Blind Side/GIGS and #2 -First Love. Welp, this breakup was BOTH (and potentially, though she said it wasn't, #3 Cheating/Branch Swinging). Throw in some minor BPD (idealization and devaluation) and you've got a perfect storm of heartbreak.

Wish I'd gone through this when I was in my early 20s, but none of my other relationships I was all that crazy about. However, I can take solace that 1.) While I shouldn't have made contact AT ALL, I never begged and I didn't turn into a whimpering simp, 2.) I've gone through a painful breakup and am getting better in pretty good time, all things considered. I've stronger because of this and haven't lost my confidence in myself or in people.

Here's the deal dudes - if you were dumped after a LTR, the ball is in her court. That simple. Don't take it personally. If you were a good BF, then be proud, improve where you can, and take those skills to a better girl. Chances are your ex didn't leave you for him, but left your relationship (safe, secure, established) for something different. That's a sign of emotional immaturity. You may hurt now, but in the grand scheme of things she'll hurt down the road because she threw a good thing away. And by then, you'll be better. Never give up. Get up.

 

[BeTheChange]

I believe the advice you gave to me in my thread after I had replied amicably ONCE to my (bpd) ex after she contacted me after 7 months of NC - and only to help give myself closure - included:

"What is wrong with you? Why would you ever let a woman know she had that power over you?"
"I don't understand why you are handling this so badly. Move on. Work on yourself and heal"
"Eyes wide open now bro. Don't let them back in at all."

Unless this is a different girl in question (and I doubt it very much), you are just a self-indulgent hypocrite with zero self-control and you have no right to be giving advice to anyone in a similar position.

Disappointed.

Different strokes brother. If an objective person looking at your situation would conclude you were the wronged party then my advice would still stand. For my situation that is not the case and I deliberately chose not to divulge too many details about my behaviour because I wanted the sympathy and feel good factor.

My advice still stands. You should never let anyone know they have power over you. In fact from my ex's perspective she mainly believes I called just to satisfy my own ego of knowing "I could have her back whenever I wanted" even if she was in a new relationship. This was not the reason of course but it suits my frame if that is a small niggling doubt for her in these first few weeks.

If this thing with my ex crumbles then I'll survive. Ultimately this was about me and what I wanted to do and I'm content with my choices. If I didn't feel I was able to continue developing into a better man while dealing with her I would not have contacted her.

Best of luck in whatever you choose to do.

 

[drej0238]

So guys I think its been about 4 months since I posted here. I did read posts for support but then stopped visiting the thread, however the support has allowed me to reach day 170 and hopefully that will keep going up and up so thank you.

Feelings have totally dissipated and the want to see her has totally faded. Only thing is I do have flashbacks couple times a day of things that happened during the breakup and sometimes her face comes into my head, but no feeling are generated by thinking these things and its only for like seconds then it goes away. I dont know if this is natural or if these thoughts will just slowly start to decline after more and more time.

I used to read posts from guys who said that you will be kicking yourself over the fact that you found it so hard to drop a girl at the start, and I am kicking myself over it. It is easy guys, honestly, you'll get over it. Im going to stay firm with my decision to keep her out of my life no matter what arises in the future, but it looks to me like the feeling is mutual between us both right now, which I am so greatful for, it made things a lot easier.

 

[Tony197]

Love Corey Wayne.

A lot of the stuff on Red Pill, SoSauve, etc. can be a little...dark, lets say. Wayne's just like - "Dude, chill out. Have fun." That's vital to remember.

 

[BlueAlpha1]

I'm in the minority. Can't stand this clown and snake oil salesman Corey Wayne.

 

[xstang77]

Today is officially my 60 days!! Someone take me for a steak and beers lol. I don't want her anymore and I have a second date with a cool girl this week.

 

[Adz--]

Day2\ Hello again SoSuave

Yesterday I blocked her off everything.
The day before is the last time we spoke, we broke up over a month ago now. Was the second and last time getting back together with her.

She's BPD or got parts of the following:
Narccissistic Personality Disorder
-Bipolar- definitely, it's easy for her to switch moods or for her to control her anger.
-Clinical Depression- yeah she has this but doesn't want help.
-Schizoeffective disorder- pretty sure she has this too in one shape or form.
-PTSD- don't know what this is
-Multiple personality Disorder- yepp


Long story short this is how it happened.

She goes out with her friends, can't get into a bar where she is banned from. Goes to McDonald's with her friends and calls me up upset. Told her to go with her friends, she says no. Tells me to come to her after a while, I said no, cos I have a 9am start at college the next day and it's the final few days till I hand the last work in. She lashes out on the phone (whilst being drunk) says she's gonna kill herself etc. Argument continues.
Next day I go to her and say I need some space, list out **** with her. She asks are u sick and tired of me? I say yes a little bit.

Everything is fine for 2 weeks, she goes back to her home city. We talk through the day but not as Intense as before. I get to see my family, friends and do things I wanted to do before.

After this she lashes out again over the same things we spoke about. When we talked about it all. She said I'm so angry over this and upset, I don't feel like talking to you.
I still continue to make an effort.
I now have an operation Schuduled. She couldn't come and see me cos her wisdom teeth got taken out. (however I've been to see her everytime she was in hospital or been there for her in anyway)
She said she'd come after she's better. Asks for space and she argues over petty ****.
She ended up going out with one of her friends, and stayed out for 4 days.
Come back and breaks up with me.

Then over the next few weeks it's a series of her calling me up or messaging me saying she wants to meet, saying I hate you, threating me cos I don't respond to her messages or calls and been told and seen that she's with another guy. Argues and makes a big issue of meeting up by herself. Goes crazy cos she wants her book back. I ignore and drop it off after 5 days. Get bs for that. Then she asks who I dropped it off to. I responded and then blocked her off everything.

There's more but this is the short version with bits left out.


Part of me hates this woman. Part of me misses her even after what she put me through. I feel like crap and can't get this toxic woman out of my head.

Adz--

 

[Firestar786]

Just hit 60 days.

Drinks on me lol.

Funny thing is I never think of her at all which is quite funny lol.

I think of other girls now.

Will give a more thorough week by week update this weekend

 

[dude99]

Day2\ Hello again SoSuave

Yesterday I blocked her off everything.
The day before is the last time we spoke, we broke up over a month ago now. Was the second and last time getting back together with her.

She's BPD or got parts of the following:
Narccissistic Personality Disorder
-Bipolar- definitely, it's easy for her to switch moods or for her to control her anger.
-Clinical Depression- yeah she has this but doesn't want help.
-Schizoeffective disorder- pretty sure she has this too in one shape or form.
-PTSD- don't know what this is
-Multiple personality Disorder- yepp


Long story short this is how it happened.

She goes out with her friends, can't get into a bar where she is banned from. Goes to McDonald's with her friends and calls me up upset. Told her to go with her friends, she says no. Tells me to come to her after a while, I said no, cos I have a 9am start at college the next day and it's the final few days till I hand the last work in. She lashes out on the phone (whilst being drunk) says she's gonna kill herself etc. Argument continues.
Next day I go to her and say I need some space, list out **** with her. She asks are u sick and tired of me? I say yes a little bit.

Everything is fine for 2 weeks, she goes back to her home city. We talk through the day but not as Intense as before. I get to see my family, friends and do things I wanted to do before.

After this she lashes out again over the same things we spoke about. When we talked about it all. She said I'm so angry over this and upset, I don't feel like talking to you.
I still continue to make an effort.
I now have an operation Schuduled. She couldn't come and see me cos her wisdom teeth got taken out. (however I've been to see her everytime she was in hospital or been there for her in anyway)
She said she'd come after she's better. Asks for space and she argues over petty ****.
She ended up going out with one of her friends, and stayed out for 4 days.
Come back and breaks up with me.

Then over the next few weeks it's a series of her calling me up or messaging me saying she wants to meet, saying I hate you, threating me cos I don't respond to her messages or calls and been told and seen that she's with another guy. Argues and makes a big issue of meeting up by herself. Goes crazy cos she wants her book back. I ignore and drop it off after 5 days. Get bs for that. Then she asks who I dropped it off to. I responded and then blocked her off everything.

There's more but this is the short version with bits left out.


Part of me hates this woman. Part of me misses her even after what she put me through. I feel like crap and can't get this toxic woman out of my head.

Adz--

Dude breathe the fresh air. Now that she is out enjoy the no contact. This girl doesnt want a relationship. She wants someone to keep her entertained.

 

[Carpathian]

I'm in the minority. Can't stand this clown and snake oil salesman Corey Wayne.

I like a lot of his stuff, it is common sense and translates well into my Slovak culture. However, sometimes the things he suggests I feel are far too open and naive. Like when he suggests saying to the girl (who dumped you) and is starting to miss you and coming back round (they nearly all do btw) "Hey babe, nice to hear from you I 'd love to see you...." etc. In my opinion, that is far too open and forgiving to someone who has treated you like sh1t and is the green light for her to continue to mess you about and do the same things again because she'll think you are soft and have no backbone. You have to ignore her and make her work hard again to get you back. I do agree though about his saying you walk and never look back. That is 100% the truth.

 

[BeTheChange]

Day 1

Went out like a boss.

Got back with my ex on a quasi relationship / FWB basis. Wasn't feeling it. Too many doubts on both sides and could sense the full commitment wasn't there, which is why I felt no guilt in spinning and fcking other plates. In the 2 weeks she's been with me her rebound was blowing up her phone, crying about how confused he was that she could ignore him, etc. Saw the texts so I felt assured, but cautious. I wasn't going to take her out of that box that said "casual" in my mind. Yesterday she is showing me a video on her phone when a text from him pops up with a smiley. Remember that scene in The Godfather where Michael tells his brother in law "look I know you played a hand in Sonny's death. Don't insult my intelligence. Just be honest and we can let this slide since I understand your motivations". Well, I played that same tune with her and it actually worked.

Turns out, she went out with friends the night before and he text her. She entertained his attention. She was honest. Didn't feel like she could give 100% right now because of all the sh*t that's happened, especially with the way her family feel about me. I could appreciate that. Pondered on it and realised the benefits just didn't outweigh the costs and lack of peace of mind. I realised I was in love with what I thought she could be, not what she actually is now. Appreciated that she didn't want to be seen as that girl who gets back with the cheating, abusive ex bf. Plates or no plates 3 years is hard to erase and "waiting for her to figure things out" (aka having all the costs of a relationship with very few of the benefits) just didn't sit well with me. We went to sleep. I woke early and wrote her a letter and left it on the pillow.


This ain't working. I wanted you to myself. Man don't share!

I didn't sign up to get cuckolded in broad daylight. Was happy to play the patient, supportive boyfriend, but not while you're still hoeing yourself out there. You must have me confused with someone who has zero self-respect.

Learn the true value of:
Respect
Loyalty
Integrity
(If you're even capable of doing so...)

Good luck! Auf Wiedersehen! Love you!

D


I was working in the next room when a few hours later I heard a massive scream. Pretty agonising. I go in and she's torn the letter up and angrily getting her stuff together. I try and hug her but she pushes me away. I get my headphones put on some music, go into another room and just stare out the window as she collects her stuff kicking a few things in the process. She slams the door hard on her way out. I'm listening to "Love will tear us apart" by Joy Division. I take off my headphones and smile. Finally free.