The *No Contact* Challenge! ( Read this if you just got dumped)

[xstang77]

For some reason I just keep having guilt issues that everything will be great with her new guy and maybe I was wrong,though I know it's not true and it's just another consequence of her messing with my head.

 

[Billtx49]

For some reason I just keep having guilt issues that everything will be great with her new guy and maybe I was wrong,though I know it's not true and it's just another consequence of her messing with my head.

Some men need counseling to help get through the aftermath of one of these women depending on her depth of the disorder…

 

[BeTheChange]

In Italy. Back at the hotel after a bite to eat. It's late and I'm tired. This is when my thoughts get darkest. Not going to lie. I wouldn't describe today (or any day in the last week really) as rough. I don't have an underlying sadness which permeates through my body but I definitely get pangs of sorrow since this was meant to be "our holiday". It's momentary but it's triggered by little things. For example I walked into the hotel room, which I'm sleeping in alone as my mates had to book a separate hotel, and think "This is nice. She would have really liked it here". Then I force myself to reframe the situation in a positive light and move on.

I know it's a pointless exercise and I try and divert myself away from such thinking when I'm conscious of it but I just hope for a moment where she wakes up and sees this is her fault as well as mine. I know the whole "if only he/she woud fix [x] then everything would be perfect" is quite common post breakup so I don't allow it to bother me too much. Once, after one of my more severe episodes, I asked her why she even stuck around and she said it's because she "loved" me and hoped I would see the bad I'm doing and change.

Well guess what b*tch? I do see it and I am taking positive steps to change. How about you take your own goddamn advice! Wtf are you doing? Playing the victim and refusing to acknowledge the consequences of your own decisions like the good psycho you are.

Anyway you can't save these h*es. I've made a concious decision to wash my hands of her. I forgive myself for what I did to her and for all the negative behaviour that may or may not have contributed to her psychosis.
Her mental health is no longer my concern or responsibility. She either reaches the right conclusion on her own or not at all.

I've banned the lads from discussing my ex and told them to slap me in the face if they catch me doing it. This is my get away. 9 more days of pure chill. Let's enjoy it.

 

[Billtx49]

You are right her personal problems are not yours.

 

[strongninja]

Day 2
I didn't exactly get done what I set in my mind to do, but I made it today. I'm happy that I went jogging, spent time with my family and spoke to some friends. I did wallow in sadness for a ridiculous amount of time.. But maybe this site can help keep me accountable. I need to bring my self esteem up, because my ex made it out that the problems in the relationship were all my fault, when it actually takes two to tango.
My nights are restless as the breakup was a month ago and we were together for more than a year. I didn't contact him today or yesterday. And I plan on taking care of myself a little more tomorrow.

I do want to get back with him, maybe because I still love him and he is my first love. I just..put all my love into him..and it hurts knowing that attractiveness and good intentions aren't enough. Like he wanted a perfect women.

I don't think I'll get him back, but I really want to increase my strength and self-esteem. I was happy before I met him, and I know I can get there in time.

 

[BlueAlpha1]

In Italy. Back at the hotel after a bite to eat. It's late and I'm tired. This is when my thoughts get darkest. Not going to lie. I wouldn't describe today (or any day in the last week really) as rough. I don't have an underlying sadness which permeates through my body but I definitely get pangs of sorrow since this was meant to be "our holiday". It's momentary but it's triggered by little things. For example I walked into the hotel room, which I'm sleeping in alone as my mates had to book a separate hotel, and think "This is nice. She would have really liked it here". Then I force myself to reframe the situation in a positive light and move on.

I know it's a pointless exercise and I try and divert myself away from such thinking when I'm conscious of it but I just hope for a moment where she wakes up and sees this is her fault as well as mine. I know the whole "if only he/she woud fix [x] then everything would be perfect" is quite common post breakup so I don't allow it to bother me too much. Once, after one of my more severe episodes, I asked her why she even stuck around and she said it's because she "loved" me and hoped I would see the bad I'm doing and change.

Well guess what b*tch? I do see it and I am taking positive steps to change. How about you take your own goddamn advice! Wtf are you doing? Playing the victim and refusing to acknowledge the consequences of your own decisions like the good psycho you are.

Anyway you can't save these h*es. I've made a concious decision to wash my hands of her. I forgive myself for what I did to her and for all the negative behaviour that may or may not have contributed to her psychosis.
Her mental health is no longer my concern or responsibility. She either reaches the right conclusion on her own or not at all.

I've banned the lads from discussing my ex and told them to slap me in the face if they catch me doing it. This is my get away. 9 more days of pure chill. Let's enjoy it.

As an independent observer, I have to point out you are doing an awful lot of bargaining for day 51 right now. You're having a full on two-way conversation with yourself in this thread. It's fine to get your thoughts out, but you keep repeating yourself over and over. It seems to all come back to trying to convince yourself you're okay by reminding yourself a hundred times, but always throwing in the caveat "if she reaches out, maybe X,Y,Z will happen." Get it in your head to FORGET ABOUT HER REACHING OUT. I CANNOT STRESS THIS ENOUGH FROM EXPERIENCE.

I'm not trying to be a dbag and you can get upset with me, but my last suggestion is to consider that the purpose of this thread isn't neccessarily to post extremely long updates every single day, but to progressively post less and less, and eventually get to a point where being okay means you don't need to use this thread as a crutch every day. Look at me. I occasionally come back here after a lucid dream and vent from frustration, but no more than every 30 days or so. Let's not kid ourselves, you're still very heavily invested in this girl right now.

 

[Carpathian]

Yea I've done all that,my area kinda sucks to meet people,but I did join match.com last night so hopefully something comes of that.that and the fact that I feel like a prisoner in my own house due to my ex turning my downstairs neighbors against me. Messed up she causes all this havoc then just happily moves on with her life to a new guy,then I hear she's getting a house...yea right her and her steady work habits lol.

You have to be patient. I had dates with ten different women - only only one of whom I saw more than once - before I met the lady I am with now.
You have to invest in yourself and continue to do so even after you meet someone new, meeting that person may take a few months. Start to see this as the first day of the rest of your life. This is the new you and you'll be a better man from this point forward.

 

[Carpathian]

As an independent observer, I have to point out you are doing an awful lot of bargaining for day 51 right now. You're having a full on two-way conversation with yourself in this thread. It's fine to get your thoughts out, but you keep repeating yourself over and over. It seems to all come back to trying to convince yourself you're okay by reminding yourself a hundred times, but always throwing in the caveat "if she reaches out, maybe X,Y,Z will happen." Get it in your head to FORGET ABOUT HER REACHING OUT. I CANNOT STRESS THIS ENOUGH FROM EXPERIENCE.

I'm not trying to be a dbag and you can get upset with me, but my last suggestion is to consider that the purpose of this thread isn't neccessarily to post extremely long updates every single day, but to progressively post less and less, and eventually get to a point where being okay means you don't need to use this thread as a crutch every day. Look at me. I occasionally come back here after a lucid dream and vent from frustration, but no more than every 30 days or so. Let's not kid ourselves, you're still very heavily invested in this girl right now.

I agree 100%. When you get to the point of forgetting about her reaching out you feel so much better. It takes time though to get there. Also @BlueAlpha1, these BPD types really screw with your mind terribly. Me, @BeTheChange and others have had the great misfortune to encounter these women. They are nasty and controlling and keep you going back for more. I don't know how they do it to us, we are intelligent and well-read men here, but they somehow do....

 

[mrgoodstuff]

I agree 100%. When you get to the point of forgetting about her reaching out you feel so much better. It takes time though to get there. Also @BlueAlpha1, these BPD types really screw with your mind terribly. Me, @BeTheChange and others have had the great misfortune to encounter these women. They are nasty and controlling and keep you going back for more. I don't know how they do it to us, we are intelligent and well-read men here, but they somehow do....

They know what you want and what you need to hear. Dangling carrots. You can't really continue to be seduced by her words, it's the actions that do the talking.

 

[Carpathian]

They know what you want and what you need to hear. Dangling carrots. You can't really continue to be seduced by her words, it's the actions that do the talking.

^^^^^^^^^THIS^^^^^^^^^
Absolutely right. They talk in tones of honey, telling us how sorry they are, how much they love us and how it will be so different when we have worked it all out, that we'll be in a utopia of love, joy, happiness and sex for evermore. IT IS A FANTASY. Yes indeed, actions are what should be observed, not just their cheap and easy words. Man, I learned that lesson the hard way after much heartache and upset.

"Experience, that most brutal of teachers. But you learn, by god, you learn". C.S.Lewis

 

[mrgoodstuff]

^^^^^^^^^THIS^^^^^^^^^
Absolutely right. They talk in tones of honey, telling us how sorry they are, how much they love us and how it will be so different when we have worked it all out, that we'll be in a utopia of love, joy, happiness and sex for evermore. IT IS A FANTASY. Yes indeed, actions are what should be observed, not just their cheap and easy words.

Yeah, they do a lot of lying. Silver tongue devils.

 

[BeTheChange]

As an independent observer, I have to point out you are doing an awful lot of bargaining for day 51 right now. You're having a full on two-way conversation with yourself in this thread. It's fine to get your thoughts out, but you keep repeating yourself over and over. It seems to all come back to trying to convince yourself you're okay by reminding yourself a hundred times, but always throwing in the caveat "if she reaches out, maybe X,Y,Z will happen." Get it in your head to FORGET ABOUT HER REACHING OUT. I CANNOT STRESS THIS ENOUGH FROM EXPERIENCE.

I'm not trying to be a dbag and you can get upset with me, but my last suggestion is to consider that the purpose of this thread isn't neccessarily to post extremely long updates every single day, but to progressively post less and less, and eventually get to a point where being okay means you don't need to use this thread as a crutch every day. Look at me. I occasionally come back here after a lucid dream and vent from frustration, but no more than every 30 days or so. Let's not kid ourselves, you're still very heavily invested in this girl right now.

I'm on Day 19 not day 51...must be confusing me with another poster. And as I've said before I'm acknowledging the possibility of her reaching out because this is her pattern. Not preparing for such eventualities would only leave me like a dear in the headlights and risk the possibility of falling back into a toxic relationship like many people in this thread have done. Understand that all attempts for her to reach out at the moment will be ignored. Following through with NC has never been a problem for me in the past. And now I know what I'm dealing with it makes it a thousand times easier.

Without trying to sound like an arrogant douche I think I have a better sense of self value than the majority of people coming out of a BPD relationship. I really am ok. I havent sufferred any loss of self esteem, etc. After the emotional hurdle of the first 2 weeks (which one would experience at the end of any relationship, BDP or otherwise) things have stabilised.

I don't know your entire situation bluealpha, but when giving advice people tend to project their own experiences on to other people. So let me assure you of a few things:

• 60 days NC will NOT be a problem for me. I no longer crave her in the same way. I know my value. These things will keep me centred.
• IF she's come back she will be ignored. Then if I choose to reconnect at a later date it will be on my terms and at s time when she can have minimal impact on my life.There will be a strict set of conditions she would need to adhere to for me to even entertain having her back in my life (regular therapy, acknowledging she does have a problem, minimal contact with me in the first few months)

Shades of grey my friend. We both have pathologies. I am not your typical AFC BPD victim. Most people looking from the outside in would probably put 70% of the blame on me (irrelevant). All I am saying is that by day 60 I will have structured my life in such a way as to ensure that if she does return the impact on my life will be minimal and if she doesn't then life will go on.

I am a thinker. And that's why I write. I deliberately post my thoughts here when I am feeling at my worst because it's cathartic. Perhaps that is giving you a distorted perception of how I am feeling overall. I don't think you appreciate how just knowing about her condition makes it so much easier to detach emotionally.


And I don't mean to be rude but we're not the same brother . You're still posting about her after more than a year right? It's not in my nature to hang on to any connection for that long when they aren't around.

 

[BeTheChange]

@BlueAlpha1

Just a heads up your general advice was good. You were right about not focusing so much in the ex. Im in Rome now, an absolutely beautiful city with rich culture and amazing women. I'll enjoy it and refrain from thinking about the ex, even in my writings here.

 

[xstang77]

Day 31 or 32..just saw her driving by in the car I fixed for her which is the first trace of her I've seen since 1 month nc started,had a bunch of people in her car. I hate her and hope her car breaks down,she's not even good looking idk what I ever saw in her.

 

[Firestar786]

Day 24
My ex hasn't called or texted at all
Feels a bit lonely and a bit strange not having someone there, calling and texting me regular.
At the same time come this Thursday it will be day 28 a month and I'm half way there to move on with my life.
So far in aspects beyond her things are going very well. Business, boxing training and more importantly my own emotions and mind. Not as stressed as I once was or anxious.

 

[BeTheChange]

Day 19

Finished the Alchemist. Great book. Outstanded by the beauty of Italy. Met some wonderful people including a Mexican ballet dancer who captivated me with her converstion. Nothing came of, but I remember thinking even if this conversation doesn't go anywhere I was glad for the experience. She had a unique perspective on life and she taught me something in the two hours we were together at the restaurant. Leaving the past. Today was a good day.

 

[Asmodeus]

Day 2
I didn't exactly get done what I set in my mind to do, but I made it today. I'm happy that I went jogging, spent time with my family and spoke to some friends. I did wallow in sadness for a ridiculous amount of time.. But maybe this site can help keep me accountable. I need to bring my self esteem up, because my ex made it out that the problems in the relationship were all my fault, when it actually takes two to tango.
My nights are restless as the breakup was a month ago and we were together for more than a year. I didn't contact him today or yesterday. And I plan on taking care of myself a little more tomorrow.

I do want to get back with him, maybe because I still love him and he is my first love. I just..put all my love into him..and it hurts knowing that attractiveness and good intentions aren't enough. Like he wanted a perfect women.

I don't think I'll get him back, but I really want to increase my strength and self-esteem. I was happy before I met him, and I know I can get there in time.

Attractiveness and good intentions are never enough... Broken people are broken, and it is impossible for people to change. If he cannot take responsibility for what he does he has a problem.

You do not want him back... What you want is the chance to find a better situation for yourself. You were happy before you met him, now you have a chance to find that happiness again.

 

[Asmodeus]

Day 31 or 32..just saw her driving by in the car I fixed for her which is the first trace of her I've seen since 1 month nc started,had a bunch of people in her car. I hate her and hope her car breaks down,she's not even good looking idk what I ever saw in her.

You have idealized her in your memory... You see the truth and understand that your mind manufactured a image of her that was more idealized than she is.

 

[xstang77]

You have idealized her in your memory... You see the truth and understand that your mind manufactured a image of her that was more idealized than she is.

I agree,I'm coming out of the fog now,this morning was the first time since we broke up 2 months ago that I actually felt good instead of the usual agony and depression,jut sucks she's out all happy in a new life and I'm bored and alone all
The time

 

[BeTheChange]

I agree,I'm coming out of the fog now,this morning was the first time since we broke up 2 months ago that I actually felt good instead of the usual agony and depression,jut sucks she's out all happy in a new life and I'm bored and alone all
The time

Things will flip. You'll see.

Any woman who is HB6 and over can walk out and instantly find a replacement boyfriend. It seems easy. But believe me, we are much better off in the long run. We learn from the pain and are motivated to transcend beyond what we once were. You will be a better person by the end of this. She will be the same, or worse. The best thing I ever did was to focus on myself during this period and not on simply finding a rebound. I've grown more in this last month than i couldnhsve imagined at the start and it's only the beginning.

The best revenge is a life well lived. Nothing will hurt her more than your success and indifference.