The *No Contact* Challenge! ( Read this if you just got dumped)

[Asmodeus]

physically abusive,lots of yelling and violence/turbulent childhood,due to this I initially believe I had narcissistic tendencies

You are not narcissistic... Narcissistic people rarely see themselves as being at fault, being responsible, and rarely suffer from depression. A narcissistic person would not say he is just "decent looking" and be belittling himself so. I deal with cluster B all the time, including NPD. You do not exactly have these traits. I think your issue is not narcissistic personality... You did not have a real family as a child, you did not have stability. You CRAVE stability, you CRAVE love. You are the type of person who falls for cluster B cases. You are the antithesis of me, I like chaos and end relationships as if they mean nothing and I do not at all crave love from anyone. I am cluster B, you obliviously do not have any cluster-B traits. Your ex however, she is a classic case.

she called the cops on me saying I was suicidal and barricading her in (which I was not) she also turned the neighbors downstairs against me trying to have me arrested as well

Yeah she is a flat out screwball... This is her controlling you and manipulating you. She weaves lies and manipulations so that you stay under her control.

one night before my vacation she comes over acts extremely lovey spends the night and promises to spend the week with

This is called gaslighting and dousing. She fires you up, then she douses you. It is part of the cycle of abuse... It is a common trait in all Cluster B relationships.

she put me through horrible things which I think I have ptsd from.

And another common thing in cluster B relationships. She actually sounds more ASPD than BPD.... She seems to be manipulative and lack remorse.

things but I just feel mega depressed and Empty even though it's been over for 2 months

You sir are having chronic major depression... Perhaps you should consider some kind of therapy session with a psychologist. Your insurance (if you have some) should help to cover this.

You understand that she is toxic and pathologic. That her leaving you was the BEST thing that ever happened to you. If she stayed with you she would continue to erode you and hurt you. You are free from her. Now you just need to free your mind.

 

[Asmodeus]

've been trying to pull girls with no luck

It is the fear, the insecurity, the pain, it is toxic... It seeps into you, becomes part of you. Most communication is nonverbal. Other people can often understand more about your mental state by simply observing you than you do. Before you go out and pick up, you need to get in a positive mindset, and clear that poison that your ex has infected you with.

I would focus more on trying to recover, and try to rebuild yourself before going out and finding a woman. Do not try to replace her, do not look for someone to bring you flowers and complete you, plant your own garden and find your own completion. If you do not, then you risk making the same mistake again.

 

[xstang77]

Before my ex I was under the impression that I had narcissitic tendencies,but when I got with my bpd ex she killed that with me and I felt we had a trauma bond even from the begging,It's just my life is seriously so empty now,no friends just come home to an empty house and I don't really have the strength to get better,my sister is a therapist and I talk to her but it's just words really, my sister actually mentioned my ex having bpd and she's fit all the traits including that empty look
In her eyes when she'd split
Me black like I did the most horrible thing in the world to her,mind you she had an awful childhood and she can't keep jobs etc, aspd and bpd do overlap correct? My other question is with how we fell out and the fact that she has a new bf and the amount of time it's been is it safe to say there won't be another Hoover?

 

[Asmodeus]

Before my ex I was under the impression that I had narcissitic tendencies,but when I got with my bpd ex she killed that with me and I felt we had a trauma bond even from the begging,It's just my life is seriously so empty now,no friends just come home to an empty house and I don't really have the strength to get better,my sister is a therapist and I talk to her but it's just words really, my sister actually mentioned my ex having bpd and she's fit all the traits including that empty look
In her eyes when she'd split
Me black like I did the most horrible thing in the world to her,mind you she had an awful childhood and she can't keep jobs etc, aspd and bpd do overlap correct? My other question is with how we fell out and the fact that she has a new bf and the amount of time it's been is it safe to say there won't be another Hoover?

You are ruminating on her a lot... You need to release her from your system.

You even seem to feel bad for her... You mention her awful childhood, that she cannot keep jobs, ect... STOP. I guarantee you that she does not feel bad about you. You need to stop trying to make her into something she is not. She is a PARASITE, she HURT you, she may have possibly even found it FUN to see you SUFFER. She MANIPULATED you, she made you feel GUILTY when in reality it was always her who was pulling the strings.

Stop trying to humanize her, stop trying to see the good person in her that you believe is there but truly does not exist. Realize that she is a parasite, and that she will never change.

What do you do as a release? I am not talking about drinking or smoking... I am talking about a hobby... You need to re-discover yourself, you need to return to the person you were before you met her

 

[xstang77]

I'm working on me understanding of how she's a piece of garbage and due to grief there's times I'm filled with rage and literally hate her guts and want to expose what a ***** she is,but I know it's not worth my effort, at work I act fine etc. I can try to do some things but my life literally feels empty and lonely and I feel prisoner in my house due to the chaos she caused,I live in a small town where my reputation has been falsely trashed due to ex's so I literally come home and sit in my house every night,but I also fear change.

 

[Firestar786]

Day 30
Not heard from her
Well she might have called off a private number but that could be anyone lol. Normally by this stage I do hear from her
Going to assume she's gone totally and moved on with her life and plough ahead with my new month

 

[BeTheChange]

Day 24

Stopped caring about the break up last two days. No longer occupies my mind as it once did. As a test I consciously thought about my ex and the good times. Felt nothing. I'm bordering on indifference as to whether she ever comes back.

Italy is great. Visiting Pisa and Florence today. One more memory to add to the collection.

 

[NiceBarn]

It's been almost 3 months now. My thoughts and feelings still haven't changed much. I've made no contact. About a month ago I did get a snapchat from her, but it looked like it was sent to a group and not just me. My only thought is, "why was I included" because I deleted her a few months ago? Either way, I didn't respond. This sucks. Lol

 

[Asmodeus]

I'm working on me understanding of how she's a piece of garbage and due to grief there's times I'm filled with rage and literally hate her guts and want to expose what a ***** she is,but I know it's not worth my effort, at work I act fine etc. I can try to do some things but my life literally feels empty and lonely and I feel prisoner in my house due to the chaos she caused,I live in a small town where my reputation has been falsely trashed due to ex's so I literally come home and sit in my house every night,but I also fear change.

As I said, you FEAR instability and change. You fear it because your childhood was filled with instability. That is something you need to learn to get over...
I met a psychologist once, a very famous one... There was a video I saw him play about one of his older experiments. He built a large chamber filled with water. In the chamber there was one exit. In this chamber he put a rat... The rat would swim in the water and struggle until it found the exit. However, when a rat was held and restrained with its head just above the water until it stopped struggling and put in the water it did not do this... It stopped fighting for its own survival and drowned. Even when the rat was put very close to the exit it did not attempt to free itself... This is called learned helplessness. Learned helplessness is behavior typical of an organism (human or animal) that has endured repeated painful or otherwise aversive stimuli which it was unable to escape or avoid. After such experience, the organism often fails to learn escape or avoidance in new situations where such behavior would be effective.

Before you think I am just giving out a bunch of psychological mumbo jumbo you should watch this. Which shows the learned helplessness theory applied on a small scale.

Your childhood traumas coupled with your experience with a cluster B relationship has induced a type of learned helplessness in you. Cluster B people tend to do this, and it is why people stay with cluster B relationships even though they are toxic and highly abusive. The cycle of abuse, gaslighting/dousing, and all that manipulations you experience in the relationship with a cluster B person is designed to cause the induction of learned helplessness.

I can tell you how I treated my ex, and how I was inducing this in her... And even after we ended it, the lingering effects of it still remained and left her damaged...

 

[Asmodeus]

Learned Helplessness was discovered in 1965 by psychologist Martin Seligman while he was studying the behavior of dogs. In the experiment, which was designed to be a variation of Pavlov's famous "classical conditioning" experiment, Seligman restrained the dogs for some time in a hammock. Every time a sound was heard, the dog would receive an electrical shock. Later, the dogs were put in a confined box which they could easily jump out of. Seligman wanted to see if the dogs would have learned to jump out of the box when they heard the sound to escape the shocks. What surprised him was that the dogs just lay there and did not try to escape.

What Seligman had discovered was that the dogs had "learned" from the early part of the experiment that the shocks occurred at random, were unavoidable and didn't depend on their own behavior. The dogs could, in fact, just jump out of the box to escape the shock but they had learned otherwise.

This kind of behavior pattern has since been demonstrated in humans if they have been exposed to punishments or discomforts which seem random and unavoidable. A feeling of helplessness and no power to improve one's circumstances is one of the key factors in depression.

Learned Helplessness can lead a person to falsely believe that they are more powerlessness than they really are. This can lead to them making poor choices, resulting in a worse situation and a vicious cycle of depression sets in.

 

[xstang77]

Are you in the phsychology field? I really appreciate your advice especially for someone who is my kryptonite if you will, maybe I should move a lot of crappy things have happened to me here and I need to Learn change is good,I can't enjoy life where I'm at. Pertaining the rat story I've heard it before on this site and it's a great explanation. Otherwise she tried contacting me today exactly a month since she last tried and it looks as though she is single,but I'm staying strong nc,I love sex but I keep telling myself no ***** is worth my sanity.

 

[Asmodeus]

Are you in the phsychology field? I really appreciate your advice especially for someone who is my kryptonite if you will, maybe I should move a lot of crappy things have happened to me here and I need to Learn change is good,I can't enjoy life where I'm at. Pertaining the rat story I've heard it before on this site and it's a great explanation. Otherwise she tried contacting me today exactly a month since she last tried and it looks as though she is single,but I'm staying strong nc,I love sex but I keep telling myself no ***** is worth my sanity.

I am not a psychologist... I learned a lot of their methods and theories, I found them useful. I do not have control over the way I feel, but I do have control over the way I behave. I am a long story, and it is a story that shall not be told here...

Change sounds like it would be the best thing for you. Never be afraid of change, much of life involves change. Understand that change is inevitable, and sometimes change is the only option when you cannot find an answer to a problem. If you cannot fix it, then change it. If you hate where you are, if you feel depressed where you are, then change it. Move, and find a better place for you. Restart your life, and bury the past. But keep the knowledge you gained from it. Learn from your experiences, let the tribulations strengthen you with wisdom and understanding.

Do not respond to your ex. She is trying to drag you in that net again. She is not worth your sanity... If you return to her, your pain will only continue. You will only fall further. She must think you are weak, she must think that she can just call you and wrap you around her finger again... She must think your willpower is so weak that she can smile and tempt you and make you fall under her spell... Prove to her that she is wrong, prove to her that you are stronger than that. And most of all prove to yourself that you are stronger than that. You will never let this happen again, and instead of learning to be helpless you will learn how to be strong.

 

[BeTheChange]

Day 25

Complete and absolute acceptance. The closest I've ever felt to zen.

The journey is not over but if I feel like this now on day 25 I cannot wait till day 60. This chapter of my life has strengthened me in a way I did not think possible. If I get through this I can get through anything. There is no woman I cannot walk away from now.

 

[Asmodeus]

If I get through this I can get through anything. There is no woman I cannot walk away from now.

 

[xstang77]

Well I stayed strong yesterday and stuck nc though probably giving up late night drunk sex from my ex...I did start talking to a nice girl last night that seems stabile and set up a date without getting hopes to high,so here's to hoping in better things to come.

 

[beatjunkie]

Hello All,

Back on here again. Same girl i've been posting about last 3 years. on and off. Breakup happened this time after big fall out at work and involved family (we work together). even CEO got involved and everything. eventually I apologized to her and she did too. Then she wanted to go on a long weekend to "get closure" and away from the country I am in. I accepted and then thought about and told her not to come after she was on the way in the taxi to airport...because she basically wanted me to beg. And I told her so. I hung up, she called 5 times in a row didn't answer. This was 6 days ago.

This morning I woke up and called her (6AM) but not answer. texted immediately "sorry to disturb, only a bad dream." haven't gotten a reply since. haven't called since. I plan on calling again one last time.

Do note; I want to marry this girl.

Someone help me make a decision please; I plan on calling in 2 hours.

 

[BeTheChange]

Day 26

Lads, even if it feels like the most difficult thing in the world push through those first one or two weeks of what is the post breakup emotional rollercoaster. Trust me. Do not break NC even if your hope is to reconcile, which seems to be a convenient excuse for lots of men to fall back. After three weeks you will be a lot more centred and at four you will wonder why you ever even cared as much as you did.

For those in the initial stages of NC. Right now your mind is in a cloud. As long as you do NC properly (no texts, phone calls, social media stalking, looking at pictures of her, etc.) you will push through the fog and eventually things will become much clearer. You will be shocked at how centred you will feel once you reach that state.

 

[Carpathian]

Day 26

Lads, even if it feels like the most difficult thing in the world push through those first one or two weeks of what is the post breakup emotional rollercoaster. Trust me. Do not break NC even if your hope is to reconcile, which seems to be a convenient excuse for lots of men to fall back. After three weeks you will be a lot more centred and at four you will wonder why you ever even cared as much as you did.

For those in the initial stages of NC. Right now your mind is in a cloud. As long as you do NC properly (no texts, phone calls, social media stalking, looking at pictures of her, etc.) you will push through the fog and eventually things will become much clearer. You will be shocked at how centred you will feel once you reach that state.

I'd echo that. It's imperative you steer clear of any and all references to her.
I feel for you if you work with her at the same company, I really do.

 

[beatjunkie]

The trick up my sleeve; I have a new job in a new country with a new organization. I have accepted and signed.

But how to I stop myself from trying to get closure. I feel like I should call and have her not respond just so that I have my conscience clear "that I tried one last time"

thoughts?

 

[PantyWhisperer]

Day 57 - the spring just keeps getting tighter.... I know I'll get 60 and more after that, but it's just the psychological aspect that's getting to me! Of course, it's way easier when she is also on NC with me apparently...