The *No Contact* Challenge! ( Read this if you just got dumped)

[BeTheChange]

Odd. I'm thinking with more clarity and objectivity today than any other time since initiating NC and yet my desire to contact her has never been greater than it currently is now. Obviously I won't. Just an observation.

 

[Gaysha]

Day 36.

On this day last year we started chatting. It was a tough day for me, I have to admit. I cried 4-5 hours ago but I'm feeling good now.
I got another laugh from her!
I was chatting with some girls on that dating site where ex and I met (she can't see my posts but she can see the posts of the girls because they tagged me).
And then she wrote again in the thread "I want to tell you", she wrote "One day you're gonna be sick of limiting me, you'll see. I hate that I left you there alone." (limiting as in blocking her of seeing my posts)

Does she have ANY respect for me? Writes stupid messages when she knows I can't see because I blocked her (but my friends see), wow she is in so much pain she left me to deal with all the mess after break-up, but also posts to her gf how she's cute etc.
She probably thinks I cry all day in the corner, cut myself or God knows what because she dumped me. She left me, but she didn't leave me ALONE. I have great friends who help me each day and I already see my bright future without her.
Can't believe this s***.

 

[BeTheChange]

@Gaysha

You need to eliminate her from your life completely. That includes staying away from websites and places she frequents. The way things are now you are still having these quasi conversations with each other by proxy. All this serves is to have the knife twisted in your back even deeper. It's been 36 days now. You'd be a lot further along if you cut ALL ties but you're still holding on to her - in a very masochist way.

I understand. It's hard to let go, but it needs to be done or it will take you significantly more time to heal. For example I have no chance of bumping into my ex until Day 29 but I've already planned alternative routes to work to make sure there is practically no chance of me seeing or interacting with her in ANY way until I am completely over her.

 

[Asmodeus]

She probably thinks I cry all day in the corner, cut myself or God knows what because she dumped me

Remember what I told you...
She wants to see you fail... She wants to see you miserable... She wants to believe that she was right in leaving you, she wants to believe that it was justified. She wants to believe that she was the better one and that her choice was the best choice.

Do not let her win.

 

[Gaysha]

You are right guys. I could have done this better.
No more info on her posting on that site (that was the last remaining thing) from now on.
I've accepted the fact that she has someone else now.

The future is bright for all of us because we will become stronger and better after this.

 

[BeTheChange]

Day 13

Today is a celebration of something special. Looking back at the last three years, I can honestly say the pain and sorrow that I'm experiencing now and during the relationship was worth it. Shakespeare was right. It is better to have loved and lost...Honestly, I've never experienced something as potent, life affirming and joyous as love. I've had whirlwind romances and passionate relationships in the past and believed myself to have been dealt with "heartbreak" in the aftermath of some of those relationships. But it does not compare to having someone in your life who cares for you deeply and knows you better than your own family and friends. Someone who literally gives all of themselves to you, who is willing to leave everything behind to build a life with you, who is brave enough to be completely vulnerable with someone else.

This is not an homage to my ex and like anyone else she was plagued with negative qualities that would make any future serious relationship between us untenable at this point. But I feel more free now that I'm ready to acknowledge these feelings. It's funny how the mind works. I haven't watched a single video or gazed at one picture of her since we split up and yet today I received a letter from John Lewis and it instantly took me back to the day when we moved in together for the second time and went furniture shopping - simple memories but fond times and a reminder that things weren't all bad and that perhaps neither of us were the worst people in the world.

Some want to believe a Don Juan must restrict his feelings in order to protect himself from the unpredictable nature of women. I believe this site teaches us to ultimately love responsibly with eyes wide open. To miss out on love would be to deny ourselves a truly wonderful aspect of the human condition. I see the present and the future as an opportunity - one from which to heal, learn and grow and know, truly know, that the next time I meet a woman worthy of being my partner, things will be better.

 

[PantyWhisperer]

I'll repost from another thread but I am on day 44 NC!!

"I agree with the no contact. I am/was/is in a similar situation, except we have had sex once, but she keeps me on the back burner, and like the OP hides or lies current relationships but wants me to mop up when they end. She goes dark or gets snippy every time she is in a relationship, so it's not too hard to tell. I've sort of allowed myself to be in the on deck circle for years, mainly because I don't have to put much in to keep the back burner status. Add to that, she's an HB8 and 31 - I am 50, plus a freak in the sheets so I do tend to put up with a little more to stay in her orbit.
Lately, and being inspired to continue it by these forums, I have had her in NC for 44 days today. That's a personal best. Usually they go no longer than 2-3 weeks before she chirps back in but this time she has an ex-convict boyfriend (who she denies is her boyfriend because "I hate labels") who spends at least 3 nights a week with her. So she has done the normal liking of my occasional social media post, just to sort of kick test me to make sure I'm still in her orbit. I'm like her Personal Floatation device.
I do want to see if I can make the full 60 day NC. Also, full disclosure - she is a side piece and I am married. I've been way too beta with this one, in hindsight, which is why she keeps waving in these alpha, bad-boy, white trash dogs. She's a single mom whose mother is raising her kid mostly so the guys don't have to deal with the normal single mom BS. That's why they stay longer than most but even the trash moves on eventually - or mostly she nexts them because she is super shady and always has a flock of Tinder weenies orbiting her."

 

[BeTheChange]

Just thought I would add some recent contributions to another SS brothers thread. I put them here because they actually help me a lot. Sometimes it feels as if I'm writing to myself in order to keep me resolute.

I can tell you from experience the best thing to do is NOT take her back immediately.

My ex and I used to breakup semi annually. She would go off and do her thing. I would go off and do mine. And eventually she would come back, whether after a few days or a week. She would always be the one to reach out and attempt to reconcile. From my initial perspective I believed that this therefore gave me the power. It was an illusion. Let me explain why.

She breaks up with you. She goes off and does her own thing. We know women cannot stand to be alone and you already admitted she was on tinder within days of the breakup. If she was truly heartbroken I would bet my house on the fact she has slept with at least one person to attempt to fill the void (a capital offence as far as relationships are concerned).

Now if you get back with her under these conditions what does this communicate to her.

1. She can break up with you and do what she wants during the "breakup"
2. As long as she comes across as "sorry" you will eventually take her back

That communicates to her that she can have you whenever she wants you and if you take her back now I guarantee she will dump you again and pull the same bait and switch where she goes off for a week to wh*re herself out, only to return to the familiar. I did not have this realisation until very recently, but the reality is that is how they think and this was the pattern of my ex's behaviour.

The only way you can nip this in the bud permanently is if you make them believe that they have lost you for good. There have to be lasting consequences. She has to truly believe that you have no intention of getting back with her. You say you were a d*ck during the relationship and serially unfaithful. Well so was I. And I would not take back my ex immediately under similar conditions for the reasons above.

I would recommend you:

• Don't respond. Let that anxiety build up. If she is serious she will come and see you. I doubt she has forgotten where you live in the last 3 weeks.
• At the point when (and I believe she eventually will) she comes to your home pull the same garbage these women do - "I need more time", "I'm not sure about this anymore", "I see things differently", etc, etc. She should come away from that conversation believing it's game over. That she has missed out on a good thing due to her own impulsive behaviour. Her fear of loss will go through the roof and if she cared about you at all she will experience the true pain and emotional turmoil that you have had to deal with these past few weeks
• Wait at least a month and then give her a call to reconcile - she will feel like she won the lottery. Then you will have yourself a gf who truly values the relationship going forward. Plus it gives you time to fix yourself and work on your own issues

The last time a woman said to me we weren't having sex was three weeks ago. We went on to have sex that same night (and this wasn't even my girlfriend). Point being, pay no attention to what she is saying. You are in a very enviable position during this period of NC. One I hope to be in within the next month - if not within that time frame then I have to accept she has truly moved on.

As a veteran here, you know this rule better than most brother. A woman's imagination is your greatest weapon. Say nothing. Your silence will provide a thousand times more ammo than anything you say to her. Let her imagination be the architect of her eventual obsession towards you.




Classic delayed withdrawal. She wants to ween herself off you. Employed by many women. She can tolerate loosing you as a lover (for now) because she can quite easily find someone else to satisfy that itch, but having you out her life completely is much more difficult to comprehend. A random guy can't simply replace the connection built over the course of a relationship. Two years is a fair bit of time.

Don't buy into it. All or nothing. You deserve more than the role of back up boyfriend / orbiter. She will either crack or move on. But responding to her now will only worsen the situation. There is very little upside to you breaking NC at this point.

It's up to him if he wants to get back with the ex in the long term as long as he weighs all the facts - the reality is he knows a lot more about himself and his girlfriend than we do. If a severe break up happens it is my belief that as men we need to detach completely from the woman, which is why NC is so vital.If bradd actually followed through with NC and after at least two or three months of complete radio silence wanted to get back with this women, then I would not fault him (although based on what I've read I doubt he would). At least then he can make an objective decision because ultimately no-one here is as close to the situation as he is.

Right now, bradd is acting based on his emotions. That isn't doing it the right way and is the fundamental reason men must stay resolute during NC.

As it stands, it appears he can't even manage much more than a week and that's the problem. bradd, I recommend you continue to post updates here or in the NC thread. I am going through something similar (now on day 14 of zero contact) You don't think I want to message her? Tell her how I feel. Whisk her away in some Disney style fantasy? I understand mate. Of course but I have to look past the emotions and realise that I would be doing myself a great disservice if I did. Your red pill mind KNOWS contacting her won't work but your emotional heart prompts you to do it anyway. Think of it this way? What does it demonstrate if you can't go a week without contacting her even though you said you wouldn't. I would rather rip off my nutsack than validate to her the idea that I need her more than she needs me - just imagine your ex getting your message and then lying in bed laughing in satisfaction at how weak you've become. If you value yourself as a man you would never allow such a thing to occur.

At the very least bradd you HAVE to finish NC. Do not contact her. It won't be easy but I promise you by the end you will be better for it.

 

[BeTheChange]

You know how I know I am starting to get over my ex (or that she wasn't really all that special)?

Every time I am around a beautiful women who stimulates me both physically and mentally I completely forget about my ex. This evening it was the teacher of my Spanish class. Young, energetic, intelligent, a captivating voice and a fantastic body to go with it. Shame she has a boyfriend though!

Well I return from my holidays in August I am going to be seriously on the hunt to find the next lover in my life.

 

[Gaysha]

Day 38.

@BeTheChange speaks the truth.
The girl I mentioned previously, how we started chatting and she came to my city - we had a beer last night (with our mutual friend) and she is so sweet and cute I can't believe my eyes!
She made me totally forget my ex, like COMPLETELY. I'm going on a date with her (only her & me) again today because she is here til Friday. And she told our friend something very positive about me because my friend told me to ask her on a date haha.
I just can't believe I met someone so great in so short after the break-up because gay scene here is so small...

 

[john1234]

When you fall, pick yourself back up... Do not take it to hard on yourself that you fell, falling is a process of life. He who makes no mistakes never makes anything. Mistakes offer us a chance to learn and grow.

Today:
8 Missed calls
4 Texts "I am on the way to your place"

When I broke no cotact before I sensed that she felt very insecure...NC seems too difficult to do now after I broke it, dunno how to do it? She almost cried on the phone today when I picked call 9. She is trying to talk about issues in her life (I say nothing)

 

[BeTheChange]

Day 14

Two weeks already. Went quicker than I expected but hasn't been smooth sailing all the way. Couldn't sleep much last night stressing myself out about a few business ventures but was also pondering on the ex. Had to go to the 24/7 corner shop to bum a single cigarette, since I'm not really a smoker and I find buying full packs an unnecessary temptation. Settled me down, but thoughts of the ex spilled over into the morning. Woke up despondent. Let myself feel the pain for 10 minutes, cried for 2 minutes and then pumped myself up with some motivational music.

I still have this underlying sadness. There are far more moments of optimism and happiness than in the first few days, but sometimes when my mind isn't occupied I do think about my ex and it does dampen the mood. I find reading through some of the posts on the NC thread does help or engaging in something life improving like the gym. Whenever I get upset I force myself to text or message a girl(s) to keep the ball rolling. I'm not really interested in pursuing anything until after I get back from Italy because I still need time to heal and have no desire to start any kind of relationship with a woman until after I start therapy and anger management. However it's always good to lay the groundwork.

Overall there are more happy moments than sad ones so I'm optimistic about the next few weeks and I have other girls gunning to see me this week and when I'm back from Italy. Things will be alright.

 

[john1234]

I'll repost from another thread but I am on day 44 NC!!

she is a side piece and I am married. I've been way too beta with this one

I like that talk there OP , hang in there

 

[BeTheChange]

Day 15

Woke up thinking about how the ex was possibly messing around even more than I thought. Paranoid thoughts. BAD.

Then instantly turned on my phone and browsed through the multiple messages from chicks, some of whom are hotter than my ex and much better for me on paper. GOOD.

Definitely the best start to the day I've had in terms of mood and optimism. Genuinely excited for the future. Even when the ex treated me poorly I never forgot I was the prize. Of course, it's always nice to be reminded. Onwards.

Overall I feel so much better. More centred, calmer, more confident and more in control of my own life. You don't realise what damage a bad relationship does to your mental state until you leave it. Some days have been difficult in parts but absolutely happy with the decision to go NC. Looking forward to how I'll feel by day 60. To my brothers struggling to keep up with NC - persevere. Trust me. Once you get over the initial hurdle it will be one of the best decisions you ever made.

 

[PantyWhisperer]

One thing I do is write Letters To Myself, where basically I send an email to myself- has to be secure - and let my inner voice coach me or just rant and express my feelings. It's kind of lame but it does help clear out the emotions a bit. Plus I can go back and see how I'm doing over time. Kind of like a journal.

 

[BeTheChange]

A post to bradd's NC thread but in this response I feel as if I am also addressing my weaker self - that side of me that wants to break NC:

Mate, I was emotionally and physically abusive to my ex. Serious stuff that would make you question my sanity. Take whatever you did and multiply it by ten. It does NOT matter. I could come up with a million reasons for why I'm the bad guy and should contact my ex.Go back in this thread and reread some of the comments you made about her. You are glossing over all the horrible things she has done to you, just like I tried to do. You are allowing your guilt to cloud your judgement. Truth is just like me, you are no good to your ex or any other woman at all right now. At least get on the path to dealing with your issues before you break NC. Beyond that there is an even bigger reason why you need to stay resolute: It's obvious you need her. You can't maintain the frame long term like that. She will see through it. Looking at this objectively, you are not handling this well at all. If anything, finishing the sixty day challenge will build the character you need to hold this down long term and reestablish the frame.

You already tried to apologise at least two or three times now and she basically told you to fvck off. Mine reacted the same way when I tried to apologise (prior to NC) except I only tried on one day. She responded by talking to me as if I was a beggar. I implemented NC as soon as I realised her anger was consuming her and there was nothing to be done. I haven't re-engaged and have no intention to. I loved this girl more than my own mother and yet here I am on Day 16. But we are men and we have more red pill knowledge than 99% of the population. Let that be your strength. I can promise you it does get easier. Try again and you are just emasculating yourself. Have some pride. At this stage it does not matter. Your girl was on Match the next day for Christ sake (mine was banging a drug dealer within a week so don't take it personally)

Ask yourself bradd, where the fvck was she for 2 weeks? Do you thinks she cared about your pain when she signed up to match (and who knows what else she did). She waited 2 weeks before she even sent you anything like a friendly message and now you want to crack after 2 days??

Unless she is blowing up your phone, coming to your house and screaming she can't live without you, then you have no business even entertaining a relationship at any point in the future, let alone breaking NC. I can't be the only one here who thinks breaking up and wh*ring around is a massive offence? She direspected you in the worst way possible. At the very least her punishment should be a 2 month embargo from your attention.

Look, I feel your pain. I was with my ex for 3 years, we lived together AND she was virgin so she will never bond to another man like me...do you think throwing that all away is easy?? Do you think risking the loss of such a bond is a walk in the park? No, but I stay resolute because I am thinking long term. I am willing to risk losing her because self respect should not be compromised. Do you actually realise the strength you will develop from KNOWING that you can walk away from a woman you gave your heart to? There is nothing to be gained in the long term from breaking NC and SHOWING that you are a weak pvssy who cannot survive even two months without your substitute mummy! That is all we are asking for here. Finish the goddamn thing and then if you're still interested then go for it. The whole point in NC is that it allows you to get centred and think objectively.

I've made a conscious decision to completely cut off my ex in every area of my life now. Like anyone else during NC, I clung on to the hope that she would come back and whether a month from now or a year, we would eventually reconcile. I believe this does not serve my recovery. She's dead to me now. I am making a committed effort to ensure that I never think about the ext over this NC period again - if a nostalgic thought floats into my mind I will force myself to think of something else. No more of this.

"I have a life. And it only goes one direction. Forward"

 

[Carpathian]

A post to bradd's NC thread but in this response I feel as if I am also addressing my weaker self - that side of me that wants to break NC:



I've made a conscious decision to completely cut off my ex in every area of my life now. Like anyone else during NC, I clung on to the hope that she would come back and whether a month from now or a year, we would eventually reconcile. I believe this does not serve my recovery. She's dead to me now. I am making a committed effort to ensure that I never think about the ext over this NC period again - if a nostalgic thought floats into my mind I will force myself to think of something else. No more of this.

"I have a life. And it only goes one direction. Forward"

I think many of us are guilty of clinging onto the hope of her/him returning and we'd reconcile and fall madly in love again. However, such a notion is counter-productive and keeps you stuck in the past, wallowing in past failures. The bottom line is that if they do return and ask for another chance then you can address the situation at that point. But do not plan your future on such an eventuality; anyone would be foolish waiting around for that to happen since it may never do so. My personal experience with numerous women is that invariably they DO return and ask for you back but not in the timescales that YOU would want. They tend to return when you have in your heart moved on from them and it is completely a call out of the blue from her. She almost has an "emotional detector" wired to you that feeds back to her when you are over her and have moved on. THAT is when she will try and reconnect - almost 100% for certain. But do not hold your breathe - we are talking six months to a year and longer. Just live your life and meet new people, you may not be interested in her any more if she does reach out.

 

[BeTheChange]

@Carpathian

Yes true. If they don't reach out within a month then most likely they have another man taking care of their needs. I have noticed after this point that the six month to a year time frame tends to be quite common. Normally shortly after the rebound relationship comes to an end. Invariably I have almost always moved on completely by this point and have never taken a girl back under this scenario. I am no-one's plan B.

 

[BeTheChange]

Day 16

Nothing major to report here. Felt a bit groggy and nostalgic in the morning but quickly let that mood pass. Poured myself into my business during the day and readjusted some figures on our forecasts. Turns out we're doing even better than expected which is great news. A lot to be thankful for. I really am blessed. Financially secure, great family, tight group of friends.

Going to be a lot of ends to tie up and business projects to complete prior to my trip to Italy on Sunday so will be a busy few days. I'm going holiday clothes shopping on Saturday and as an afterthought invited a date - accept I double booked and invited two different women! I've a good idea which one I want to see more. She's an Italian who's a journalist for a prominent media company. Looking forward to some spicy conversation and who knows...maybe I'll even find a decent pair of sunglasses!

 

[PantyWhisperer]

I'm on day 47 and I'm not even going to lie - it's tough. Come on 60!!
Then 70 and so on. I like to count and build up streaks and goals so the numbers keep me focused.
Just keep swimming!