The *No Contact* Challenge! ( Read this if you just got dumped)

[Firestar786]

1.5 weeks so far

Another 6.5 weeks to go

 

[BeTheChange]

You know what's funny.

My ex logged into my Facebook recently and messaged a bunch of girls pretending to be me and basically told them all the stuff I had done and that I was no longer interested in seeing any of them. I spoke to the police out of curiosity an hour ago over the phone and they said that they could charge her for malicious behaviour.

Despite the fact that I now have a police caution which for the next 6 years could hinder my opportunities I really have no interest in pursuing this. What benefit do I derive from fvcking up her life also? A part of me wants her to know that I could have pursued this but chose not to. Be the better person and all that.

 

[Gaysha]

DAY 29

So hahaha, my ex and her new girlfriend are totally all over each other, posting pics on social media, writing 'I miss you's because my ex is back in her town, not the one where she goes to college and her gf lives.
Maybe it wasn't so smart of me to do, but last night I re-read our messages around breakup and until I started NC. I cried but it helped me give emotional closure. I once again realized I was full of love, supportive, honest etc. towards her. I did nothing wrong.
So anyway, I made a bet with my best friend. My decision is to do NC for 90 days, which will be around September 20, and he said that they will most definitely break up until then, and my bet is that they won't (because my ex will do everything in her power to make this work because she is insecure and this is a good chance - a girl in her city, unlike me - long distance). Oh, and who loses the bet, pays the other person a menu at McDonalds.
This has all the classic signs of a rebound - new gf is completely opposite of me, rushing into relationship (less than 2 weeks), over-the-top 'I miss you' and pictures and all that ****.
But you know what the best part is? The girl probably isn't even gay! Hahaha. Sorry, I may sound mean but this **** is hilarious.

Would I take her back? If you asked me that 2 days ago I'd probably say 'yes' but I'm a 'no' now.
I love the girl but I don't need her. She's a mess. I was helping that mess for 10 months and lost myself.

 

[BeTheChange]

@Gaysha

You are massively disrupting your healing process by following her on social media and viewing her pictures. I would recommend not deleting your pictures as it's nice to look back on certain things once the emotions have faded. Especially the naughty pics

What I've done is store all of the photos into a specific folder. Obviously deleted and blocked her on social media. The only thing I haven't done is block her on whatsapp or phone number (although she currently has me blocked). I've avoided this as I personally have no problem ignoring calls or texts. And secondly because I want to signal that the door won't be completely closed.

I want to believe that once the emotions have cleared and I have fixed myself (and she herself too) then we would honestly be great for each other. We did click on so many levels. Now I know this is not Hollywood and I know that due to the massive amount of personal development needed on my part I don't think I'll be ready for a serious relationship for at least 6 months. Then there are so many other variables. If we do meet again, whether its three months, six months a year or 3 years she might be even worse than she is now or (more than likely) not want anything to do with me.

 

[Asmodeus]

You know what's funny.

My ex logged into my Facebook recently and messaged a bunch of girls pretending to be me and basically told them all the stuff I had done and that I was no longer interested in seeing any of them. I spoke to the police out of curiosity an hour ago over the phone and they said that they could charge her for malicious behaviour.

Despite the fact that I now have a police caution which for the next 6 years could hinder my opportunities I really have no interest in pursuing this. What benefit do I derive from fvcking up her life also? A part of me wants her to know that I could have pursued this but chose not to. Be the better person and all that.

Wow... Your ex is insane... Believe me you are better off without that nutjob. What she did was a very vindictive and low thing to.
I suggest you do not charge her either, simply because if she is that vindictive to do what she did then by you reacting back she will likely get even more sour and this whole thing will keep going on. Keep on no contact and pretending that she does not matter and what she does is meaningless. Soon enough she will just give up. Hopefully this incident does not repeat itself. However, if she does this a second time then you should do it and report her to the cops...
But yeah, crazy b!tch is crazy.

 

[Gaysha]

@BeTheChange
Oh no, she is blocked everywhere but I wanted to found out who the new girl was and too easily found her instagram, blog and whatnot. She has like 10 pages and posts on them all the time.
She has a sad selfie with a comment 'when you miss your boo so much', that cracked me up man!

Yeah, and I agree with @Asmodeus, it should be better not to fuel your ex. Don't do a thing, she wants your reactions, that's why she's doing that ****.

 

[Asmodeus]

This has all the classic signs of a rebound - new gf is completely opposite of me, rushing into relationship (less than 2 weeks), over-the-top 'I miss you' and pictures and all that ****.

It is not going to last between them. They are in the honeymoon stage. In a rebound this phase is even more pronounced, however it is often shorter. After that all of it will crumble...

Or in other words, can I have in on that bet you made? I am thinking I can get get a few free Chicken McNuggets and a McFlurry off of you.

You say that you were helping her, but you did it at the cost of yourself. That is not a stable relationship. A stable relatinonship is one where both people make each other better, where both people grow together. It is not one person sacrificing themselves for the other, it is not one person's happiness at the expense of the other.

 

[BeTheChange]

@BeTheChange
Oh no, she is blocked everywhere but I wanted to found out who the new girl was and too easily found her instagram, blog and whatnot. She has like 10 pages and posts on them all the time.
She has a sad selfie with a comment 'when you miss your boo so much', that cracked me up man!

Yeah, and I agree with @Asmodeus, it should be better not to fuel your ex. Don't do a thing, she wants your reactions, that's why she's doing that ****.

Still though...looking through pictures of your ex with another person is just masochism.

I can take the idea of never seeing my ex again, even though she was my best friend but the idea of another guy balls deep in there...nah not for me. That's what hurts more than anything. Avoid at all costs until you're completely emotionally detached IMO.

 

[Asmodeus]

Storms out after another argument so I dump her and inform her father we are no longer together in order to make it final. She responds by CALLING THE POLICE and ATTEMPTING TO DESTROY MY CAREER AND LIFE. She does not relent despite days of my family and friends attempt to convince her. She even informs the police that she is willing to go to court to make sure I get sent down. I am forced to accept a caution, a stain on my record that will show up for the next 6 years in enhanced criminal checks

DEPSITE ALL THIS she still tries to JUSTIFY her actions

Classic cluster B case. She cannot take responsibility for her actions and she never will. This is the hallmark of Cluster B. These are the people I talk to every day on the psych forums... They are disconnected from any harm they cause, and from the damage they do. As if they do not even understand it, and cannot comprehend how it could be them. They find any other reason even if it is absurd to explain it away when faced with it. Never, ever accepting that the problem lies in them. This is the main problem with the disorder... I am not sure I can help you understand this. I do not understand it myself... To even realize my own past it took about the most monumental effort you can ever imagine. Quitting hard drugs, easy. Controlling impulses, simple. Withstanding immense physical pain, piece of cake. Actually trying to comprehend how I have hurt and abused someone in my distant past, that was the hardest and most incredibly arduous thing I have ever had to do and it took me YEARS to even begin to understand (and at this point the psychiatrist is almost ready to remove my original diagnosis I got when I was 21 and has seems to be writing pages of notes about my case considering it "miraculous" as if it is the psychological equivalent of finding a cure for cancer). I know it makes no sense to you... But that is what insanity is, it makes no rational sense.

She will never change... She will never have a stable relationship. She will likely never come to terms with what she did and how she hurt you. She does not understand, and you cannot fix her any attempt by you to do such will only feed into her pathology.

 

[BeTheChange]

Classic cluster B case. She cannot take responsibility for her actions and she never will. This is the hallmark of Cluster B. These are the people I talk to every day on the psych forums... They are disconnected from any harm they cause, and from the damage they do. As if they do not even understand it, and cannot comprehend how it could be them. They find any other reason even if it is absurd to explain it away when faced with it. Never, ever accepting that the problem lies in them. This is the main problem with the disorder... I am not sure I can help you understand this. I do not understand it myself... To even realize my own past it took about the most monumental effort you can ever imagine. Quitting hard drugs, easy. Controlling impulses, simple. Withstanding immense physical pain, piece of cake. Actually trying to comprehend how I have hurt and abused someone in my distant past, that was the hardest and most incredibly arduous thing I have ever had to do and it took me YEARS to even begin to understand (and at this point the psychiatrist is almost ready to remove my original diagnosis I got when I was 21 and has seems to be writing pages of notes about my case considering it "miraculous" as if it is the psychological equivalent of finding a cure for cancer). I know it makes no sense to you... But that is what insanity is, it makes no rational sense.

She will never change... She will never have a stable relationship. She will likely never come to terms with what she did and how she hurt you. She does not understand, and you cannot fix her any attempt by you to do such will only feed into her pathology.

Interesting. I wanted to avoid contextualising it for fear of making me feel bad enough to break Nc but I'm interested in your analysis.

Do you think your diagnosis changes in the context that:

• I was physically and emotionally abusive for an extended period of time (over a year)
• She was reasonably confident I had cheated
• She sacrificed everything to be with me - left her friends and family in another country, incurred massive financial costs to be with me in MY country

I actually asked her later why she reacted the way she did and even thinking back to it right now makes me feel incredibly ashamed of my behaviour. She basically said "she took the abuse, even the punches, because she loved me, that regardless of all this she could see the good in me. BUT in spite of all this sacrifice that she had shown me, all this pain she was willing to absorb I WAS THE ONE WHO DUMPED HER" That was something she just couldn't tolerate and she acted with the scorn that women are famous for.

God, I was such a scumbag. I feel so bad now.

 

[Asmodeus]

Who stays with a chick after ALL of THIS?

You would be surprised... I have been studying Cluster B myself in attempt to better understand everything. I know more about it than most psychologists as I frequently talk to people with it, and was given a Cluster B disorder diagnosis myself, thus I have a very special insight into these cases.

One thing that is very fascinating, and I see this in both your girlfriend, myself, and other cluster B cases is that the person who we are with seems to form a very strong bond. Of course that bond is not fully reciprocated. However, it is very frequent that the partner of a person with Cluster B is very strongly in love with this person. So strongly in love that they will even withstand abuses. You are actually very normal, I have ex girlfriends that needed to recover from me and felt lost and alone as you did when I left. Heck, one of them even posts on a forum dedicated to helping people recover from relationships with those with ASPD and other Cluster B disorders. Apparently I did a lot of damage to her... Also, if you need any more proof just look at all the BPD threads here of men who are recovering from Cluster B women, I think the evidence speaks for itself.

Anyway, it seems that ASPD/BPD/NPD and even HPD to a certain degree have a certain method when it comes to "love" and relationshps. It seems to be something that is innate, part of the condition. I have literally wrote pages and pages about this...

 

[BeTheChange]

However, it is very frequent that the partner of a person with Cluster B is very strongly in love with this person. So strongly in love that they will even withstand abuses. .

Based on this analysis it looks like I might have been the Cluster B pyscho and her the victim haha!

 

[Asmodeus]

God, I was such a scumbag. I feel so bad now.

Hmm...
Also another thing common with the condition is that we tend to make the partner think as if it is their fault. You are blaming yourself, I wonder if she got you to think this way. Her making you think she was the victim is a common tactic.

BPD has abandonment issues along with what I already mentioned. If she has cluster B then this would be the most logical diagnosis. (though I am not sure as I have not talked with her or assessed her outside of your descriptions).

I am not sure about her... But you are not cluster B. You freely admit you were wrong. You take responsibility. You have a temper perhaps, maybe you can find more reasonable ways to outlet your frustration. But I am sure the abuse was reciprocated, she did fool around lie to you and manipulate you so it is not as if she was a perfect angel either.

Either way, you and her had a pathologic relationship. She brought you down and it sounds that you were miserable. That is not healthy, that is not what you want in life.

 

[BeTheChange]

I feel deep sorrow for the pain I inflicted on my ex during the relationship.

Now I'm trying not to look at things with rose coloured specs because she wasn't perfect and as LYD has said a more stable girl with high self esteem would have left a long time ago (although I believe the fact she was a virgin does make this more difficult on her part).

I feel like sending her an apology. Can you guys convince me why this would be a bad idea.

 

[BeTheChange]

Hmm...
Also another thing common with the condition is that we tend to make the partner think as if it is their fault. You are blaming yourself, I wonder if she got you to think this way. Her making you think she was the victim is a common tactic.

BPD has abandonment issues along with what I already mentioned. If she has cluster B then this would be the most logical diagnosis. (though I am not sure as I have not talked with her or assessed her outside of your descriptions).

I am not sure about her... But you are not cluster B. You freely admit you were wrong. You take responsibility. You have a temper perhaps, maybe you can find more reasonable ways to outlet your frustration. But I am sure the abuse was reciprocated, she did fool around lie to you and manipulate you so it is not as if she was a perfect angel either.

Either way, you and her had a pathologic relationship. She brought you down and it sounds that you were miserable. That is not healthy, that is not what you want in life.

You're 100% right. She doesn't and never fully comprehends how and why she was in the wrong. At least I realise there is a problem.

Even after she called the police and tried to destory my life she DID claim it was my fault and even said "Don't you dare act like you're the victim". Hell she even said the SAME thing AFTER she LEFT ME and fvcked another guy - It was ALL my fault apparently.

I think I may need to read more about this Cluster B stuff.

Thanks for your support brother.

 

[Asmodeus]

I feel deep sorrow for the pain I inflicted on my ex during the relationship.

Now I'm trying not to look at things with rose coloured specs because she wasn't perfect and as LYD has said a more stable girl with high self esteem would have left a long time ago (although I believe the fact she was a virgin does make this more difficult on her part).

I feel like sending her an apology. Can you guys convince me why this would be a bad idea.

It is a horrible idea. Do not do it.

 

[Asmodeus]

I feel deep sorrow for the pain I inflicted on my ex during the relationship.

Now I'm trying not to look at things with rose coloured specs because she wasn't perfect and as LYD has said a more stable girl with high self esteem would have left a long time ago (although I believe the fact she was a virgin does make this more difficult on her part).

I feel like sending her an apology. Can you guys convince me why this would be a bad idea.

You need to stay no contact. She has not apologized to you and she will not, why apologize to her. What are you trying to prove by apologizing to her? It is enough of an apology that you feel sorry. I understand your desire to atone for your sins, but in doing so you will not gain salvation but will only put you back in damnation. Back in the damnation of missing her, of hoping for her, of thinking about her. Do not go back... You have crossed the point of no return, and to return is to return to all of the pain and suffering. Soon enough this will pass it all does, with time even the worst of wounds heal.

 

[BeTheChange]

You need to stay no contact. She has not apologized to you and she will not, why apologize to her. What are you trying to prove by apologizing to her? It is enough of an apology that you feel sorry. I understand your desire to atone for your sins, but in doing so you will not gain salvation but will only put you back in damnation. Back in the damnation of missing her, of hoping for her, of thinking about her. Do not go back... You have crossed the point of no return, and to return is to return to all of the pain and suffering. Soon enough this will pass it all does, with time even the worst of wounds heal.

How can I atone for my sins? A part of me feels like I can't move on until I do this.

She has apologised numerous times but once all the theatrics have been put aside and the tears wiped away you can see it doesn't seem to be genuine.

How do I know? Because you can tell from her behaviour a week, a day or sometimes even hours after an incident that she doesn't really appreciate what she has truly done wrong and I have voiced this frustration a number of times. That she behaves in a way that suggests she does not understand what she has done...Now it is all starting to make sense. She may be incapable of it...

She has told me that she is seeing a therapist while she is in France (could be a lie as based on past behaviour she is a compulsive liar - also on the list!). I was considering sending her that list of all the things she has done to me during the relationship and maybe a heads up that she might want to seek out a Cluster B diagnosis. Probably not a good idea though right?

 

[Asmodeus]

Probably not a good idea though right?

No contact.

If you send her a list of things she has done... What will that prove? If she is Cluster B she will likely not admit she is wrong anyway, or she will fake an apology. Frankly, you will get nothing out of it. The best thing you can do is to leave her alone.
You cannot help her condition... I do not even think a therapist can help her. The only thing that can is herself. If you want to help her then let her solve her own problems, let her come to her own understanding, maybe she will have a moment of clarity someday or maybe not. Either way, you should do what is best for you here and what is best for you is to stay away.

 

[BeTheChange]

I will also share a number of things that she admitted to me over our relationship

She had/has a very odd relationship with her Dad. Not sexual, but somewhat inappropriate - he would make her feel bad if she didn't come and sleep in bed with her (he was divorced). This happened until she was maybe 14 or 15 and only after her older brothers had an intervention as they were concerned with their Dad's behaviour. He was generally quite protective over his daughter. She has said a few times that she "doesn't remember" some of the things her Dad did to her. I did ask about whether it could be...well you know...and she says she doesn't know and doesn't think so but can't remember.

She has claimed that she hears voices in her head (I kid you not). Not all the time but as a child she started hearing them during incredibly stressful periods (e.g. when her parents split up, etc)

She has said that she depended greatly on his approval or if not his approval, then on him feeling "good" Early on this would manifest in her working hard in school, etc to make him proud (relatively normal behaviour) but then it moved on to her lying about her achievements in order to make him happy - this was especially the case when he entered a depressive period (he seems ok now)

She says she basically felt the same way about me to the point where she still does care about how her Dad perceives her but cares (I guess past tense cared) more about how I looked at her.

If she had known that I would have fvcked someone else so quickly after we broke up, rather than her reconsidering her actions and getting back with me before all this happened she would have instead found a guy and "given him the best fvck of his life and she would have enjoyed it knowing that he was having her body and I wasn't"

There are other things but these are what I can remember of the top off my head. Jesus. When you write it all out she really does look like an absolute psycho...I've never shared this with any of my friends for obvious reasons. I respect her privacy and her sharing these things with me.

Talking all this through has been incredibly helpful. I'm realising that perhaps she was indeed simply...unhinged

My preliminary analyse is that my ex probably is probably Cluster B and shows several signs of Borderline Personality Disorder
http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/borderline-personality-disorder/index.shtml

My only issue with this diagnosis is that historically she hasn't really been triggered by "ordinary events" as it suggests here. If she does go crazy it's normally due to a legitimately emotional event (e.g me getting angry and chucking her out my place)