The *No Contact* Challenge! ( Read this if you just got dumped)

[Lozboss]

@Lozboss - Good to hear! Keep it up. It can only get better.



The calm before the storm brother.

The week that we ended things the Monday to Saturday were great. Probably one of the best weeks we've had. She was being super affectionate, came over everyday - just great all round. In retrospect, perhaps because she felt guilty about something. Who knows. Speculation is pointless and to be honest I don't really care anymore.

If you want to reconcile with her then go completely ghost (no texts or any communication) but I wouldn't recommend reconciliation. If she breaks up with you once she has set a precedent and the next time will be easier. Better to just cut your losses.

It's like in that movie Swingers. There's no words you can really say to make her want you back, but there's a lot you can do and say to make her not want you back - like sending her a beta text message.

If you have no intention of reconciling with her, as in my case, then screw it, send the text and don't hold back - let her know she is a b*tch. This is what I did - although I wish I had gone ghost with a smile on my face since when someone sends a long rant it's the recipient who gets that ego boost.

Social speaks the truth mate- I'd leave the text, delete and never send. Just go Ghost.

Not sure what I'm doing to be fair. This is the second stint of NC since the break up- I'd like to try reconciliation but unsure as to whether to go full NC or just throw her tit bits.

 

[Lozboss]

Whether you want to reconcile or not the actions should be the same.

Having gone through NC before I know this to be the case.

This is one of the most truthful scenes I've ever seen in a film.

Don't call. Full NC. Regardless of what you want.

Looks like a great film!

I get the logic- what stops her thinking 'well **** him then, he's ignoring me, c*nt!" and then just moving on?

 

[Lozboss]

I was referring to making first contact. Why would you want to reach out to a woman who discarded you like a used tampon?

She has to see the error of her ways. If she reaches out to you that is a different dynamic.

My gf has initiated a breakup twice before, but as I was partially to blame in both cases I was open to reconciling.

This was the format they both took.

Went NC.

Radio silence for a few days.

Then a "Hey, how are you?" text, which of course is ignored.

Then a few missed calls.

Then one or two days later a complete barrage of texts, whatsapp messages, missed calls and voicemails telling me she loves me, that i'm a piece of sh*t, that she wants to be with me, etc - women and their rollercoaster emotions eh. I let her grovel for a while and then I hear what she has to say.

May not happen like that now, as there is another guy in the mix, but I don't want to reconcile so it makes no difference either way and I've blocked her phone so she can't contact me even if she wanted to.

I will tell you though. Once you get past the initial bumpy ride it is worth it.

I actually feel more confident now than I did in the relationship - there's something amazing about just being free again.

Right dude- so a brief history.

Broke up mid december (I ended it and it was a 'break'). Lots of stuff going on both sides and we couldn't be there for each other.

NC till March. Saw each other with mutual friends on 21st March. On that Monday she told me that she she was 'only attracted to me as a friend at the moment, that when I'm confident and happy in myself that's the man she fell in love with'.

Went NC again - Message on the Thursday, ignored without reply then Message on 30th (the 'Hey, how's it going?' message). I waited a day then replied and we had a nice exchange.

Message on Wednesday night- ignored (just some stuff about her dog and some photos). Then another message Sunday (again a bit of an update and a Happy Easter).

Deleted her number so she has to initiate. I never initiate contact now (taking the power back).

What I need Social is advise when she gets in touch again (as I'm sure she will). Do I ignore or responded but be distant etc?

 

[zoom5]

day 15

I was waiting for my ride to my university..
My friend and HER came out of the library.
First I saw him, and then her how she didn't want to go out the door, and then he convinced her to come out...
She just smiled and said hi, I talked a bit to my friend and they left...
I was acting cool and happy, didn't really give a **** about her, just a simple hi and that's all...

Is that cool ? Did I do good?
Also what do u guys think about her reaction?

Tnx

 

[Spinach]

After a 6 year relationship and 6 months of no contact a birthday text opened a very deep wound. She has moved on with the branch she grabbed 2 weeks after telling me "I don't want to waste any more time on this relationship..." Funny but my gut is in a knot and the green monster has come back in full fury. Hard to explain my behavior... but it is very definitely taken me back to emotions and pain I never wanted to experience again. No fool like an old fool.... Spinach

 

[SayWhat]

How do you do NC when you still have to work with her from time to time?

Just be friendly and say only the necessary concerning the job (waiters)?

I must say I feel better then my previous break ups, possibly because I don't act super beta. With my other exes, I send messages begging her back, going to her house at night,... This is not going to happen this time and I can feel it helps. I've had moments in the relationship myself where I thought that it had to end, but I pushed through, hurts more when it's the other way around of course, but I guess it helps I had these periods in our relationship. The biggest issue is the ego hit I think.

 

[bebold]

Lozboss- If you do ever respond you have to be really aware that you are indifferent and not eager. Tough to do with so much emotions which is why it is often better just not to respond.

Zoom5- I think you did exactly what you should. And these girls seem to default to hiding/running when they see you unexpectedly. Hard to tell if it is because they are dealing with mixed emotions and just want to avoid awkwardness or if just really don't want to see you. Probably doesn't matter.

SayWhat- I think polite indifference is the key

Update: Day 45 since break up, Day 23 since text, Day 6 since looked at her social media, Day 3 since saw her at bar but she sprinted off when she saw me. So I asked this before but didn't get much of a response. Should I block her on Instagram, unfollow her or just not go on Instagram for awhile?

We ended it on friendly terms I was SUPER cool about her saying she didn't want to be exclusive with anyone right now. To the point she said she was really surprised how coolly I was handling it, and never had a guy do that. We left it kind of open about future. We had a good relationship, no cheating, no fighting, so I might consider taking her back, but I am also open to this no contact leading to me being over it and finding someone hotter. So doesn't help I still don't have a clear goal.

Negatives of block/unfollow
1. She will definitely notice she has the app that tells you when people unfollow you, it has been month and half since breakup so this is super after the fact and seems like it gives her power because proves I am still thinking about her. I lose all the chill vibe I gave off before.
2. Part of me is probably just considering this to make her think I really am trying to move on and get a reaction, which right now she probably doesn't believe I am moving on.
3. She will probably think I am just trying to get a reaction out of her, at least at first, which isn't attractive.

Positives block/unfollow
1. I would no longer have to avoid Instagram which seems weak that I am doing, and won't have to see her constantly blowing up Instagram, which she has been doing.
2. She might think I am actually moving on and get her wheels turning, especially if I block her and she can't see my pics.

So block, unfollow or avoid?

 

[sowhat]

damn it .. she sent me an sms that she doesn't know how she feels after our last fight, that she feels strange with load of (((((( this kind of emoticons.. like it makes it any easier for me.. she said she needs to decide. i said when, she said very soon.. what do you guys make of this? i think i already know the decision.. ( she also swears there is no one else)

 

[zoom5]

Zoom5- I think you did exactly what you should. And these girls seem to default to hiding/running when they see you unexpectedly. Hard to tell if it is because they are dealing with mixed emotions and just want to avoid awkwardness or if just really don't want to see you. Probably doesn't matter.

She probably found it awkward because she was smiling.
She will call me one day and expect to be friends...probabla because she wants to hang out with my roomates and now she can't because Im here...

 

[SayWhat]

Day 2

Found out she went to the bar were we work in the yesterday evening, you can see in the register who came. Normally she would have send a message asking if I would come too, so that kinda hurts.

Asked my boss why she came, turns out it was because of a show (they have these organisations at this bar). Afterwards I almost send her a message just saying 'hey', but luckily I didn't do that. Shouldn't have asked my boss as well, but I guess it was just a moment of weakness, could have been much worse.

Saw her at work today, wanted to say hi but she doesn't even turn her face in my direction so I can't. When she left I was in another room, she didn't even come to say goodbye. Just came home, the moment I locked the door I couldn't control my tears anymore.

Goddamn I feel it really is over and she won't send anything anymore...

Gonna drink myself wasted today

 

[Lozboss]

Right folks need advice.

She wants to call after me ignoring her or being distant for a bit- I've said yes. I asked and she just said 'it would be good to talk that's all". I figure I hear her out and if she just chats small talk then I be polite but short ('Well I hope that works out for you etc') and give away nothing from my side.

After I go full NC again for at LEAST a month?

I did NC from Jan-Feb (with the exception of my Birthday in Jan and hers in Feb) but that doesn't seem to have worked. I want to try again with her, but I also need to extract myself from the Friends Zone.

Saywhat
Dude I know it's tough. We have all broken down (no matter how hard people act). Pick yourself up and focus on you. Full NC with her- don't even both asking anyone about her- you don't want to know (it does you no good).
You need to heal bro- go full NC and every day will be easier.

 

[Jmurphy55]

Went out last week and had a ONS, people may say it doesn't help, is disagree and say it does massively.

Loz- take the call if you want but I think we both no the way it's going to go, I'd be surprised if an attempt at reconciliation is made but to be fair I don't have much experience of this so I have no idea.

Anyway, off to the beach to enjoy the sun and oil up girls ahaha

 

[Lozboss]

Thanks Murphy- looks like call may be off. I'm just going to go NC and let her come to me. Fed up of the games and I think she needs some space.

Social- Really glad it going well for you. Great news that you are in a good place and looking forward. Proud of you bro.

I need to get some better photos to hit my tinder and POF game in London. Current ones don't do me justice.

 

[Jmurphy55]

Thanks Murphy- looks like call may be off. I'm just going to go NC and let her come to me. Fed up of the games and I think she needs some space.

Social- Really glad it going well for you. Great news that you are in a good place and looking forward. Proud of you bro.

I need to get some better photos to hit my tinder and POF game in London. Current ones don't do me justice.

I think what she needs and what you need is to move on, if you want my personal opinion.
You advise others very well but throughout most of your posts there is always a hint of hoping for reconciliation.

The reason I've so vehemently stuck to NC is because I've wasted months in the past with girls who have ended it with me, thinking about it, allowing them "space," (which they always ****ing need,) and it always ends the same way, with me dumped. One thing I have noticed is that girls very rarely end it completely. They usually like to keep you on a leash orbiting before they eventually do open the trapdoor and let the noose drop.

If you harbour any hopes of reconciliation it will be a) counterproductive to your own development and b) likely fruitless. I'm not saying she won't come back, but I am saying it is highly unlikely that it will work out in the long run.

In my case, I actually think if I broke NC there's a reasonable chance that she'd at least think about it. This girl was mad for me for almost 3 years so it seems bizarre. But even if that did happen, a) I'm moving to london which would almost certainly **** it up again (I live in exeter currently) and b) and most crucially, it ended FOR A REASON, and whilst I accept that there are things I did on the relationship that I will not repeat again, if we were right for each other they could have been worked on. The fact she chose to end it means that it clearly wasn't worth fighting for for her. And to be honest the fact that 2.5 weeks later I'm sat in the sun drinking a beer not giving a **** probably suggests I got of lightly anyway.
It's really hard but I think moving on is the best way. If she appears again, and by that I mean making it clear she definately wants a conversation not just teasing with the idea of "maybe just talking" then deal with it then but the chances are you wont give a **** by that point.

 

[sowhat]

So...you let HER decide , huh?

Maybe YOU should decide, and end the uncertaunty

only if i could. i said, ok, this is goodbye.. she said NO.. wtf with playing games, what does she have to decide.. i will go crazy..

 

[Lozboss]

Gents,

My Update.

Finally got the call from the ex asking why I had been cold/distant for the last few weeks.
I told her I wasn't interested in being 'just friends' and I wanted a relationship or nothing.

She said she didn't want to lose me, that she had realized that me not being in her life was not something she wanted. That she wanted to try again.

So we are having dinner, taking it slow and no pressure.

I share this because to those of you looking for reconciliation: No contact works. It helps you get some power back, it heals you.

After the NC period, you still act distant but you have selected contact. Sooner or later they will crack and you can tell them the situation- a soft ultimatum.

 

[SayWhat]

Day 3

I guess I'm doing alright, I have the occasional break down like yesterday evening. And also mood swings which can change as fast as a minute.

But overall it's ok I guess, I can still persuade myself to go to the gym, work in the garden,... The hardest part is when I get inside and sit in front of the laptop or when I go to bed. Keeping busy does help.

I will have more harder moments, as when we have to work again and see her acting normal to others and that we don't have that anymore... But I know in the end it will pass.

Lozboss: you say your ex asked why you have been cold/distant. This means you still had contact from time to time?

 

[Supersubie]

Hey guys,

So I have been hovering here over the past 2 weeks, its actually really helped me through some tough **** that's going on right now! So I thank you for that.

Anyway I am 25 and just broke up a 5 year LTR with my 22 year old gf. We have recently moved into a flat together about 6 months ago, broke up around Christmas because of money issues and stress. ( also her birth control was making her a nightmare to be around) I managed to convince her back and to change her birth control and for a while it was going great!

Fast forward to this month and things went downhill! We were getting distant and all she was doing was moaning that I was not buying her gifts and flowers and taking her out at all, I wanted to because I have not in quite a while but I told her I was not going to just buy her **** because she moaned at me for it. If I brought something to me it had to mean something.

Anyway as this is going on she was getting closer with a guy at work, thought it was just a best friend/good mate kind of thing because she was trying to set him up with her current best girl mate. I was very assured of my worth as a boyfriend. Boy was I ****ing wrong. I am not a jealous guy and ive never had a girl cheat on me but I ****ed up somewhere down the line here with her and pushed her away I guess.

Anyway, whilst I was making us a dinner (she was working at her job in a shopping center late) I went on her mac to look up a recipe, her imessages were up and she was texting this yusif guy. I read the first message and she was going on about how she was so cringey and he was saying I knew you would regret that when sober etc. At this point alarm bells are ringing and i decide to ring on. She had been out with friends on the saturday night, and these texts were on the sunday where she had refused to have sex with me because she was hung over and wanted a sleep ( lo and behold as I was watching tv in the next room she was texting this guy how much she liked him)

I had to wait 2 hours for her to come home and i immediately gave her the chance to fess up anything she desperately needed to tell me. She went pale white and wouldn't say anything for ages, until I told her i knew about the texts. I kicked her out of the house that night to make her stay at her mums. all she could say was how sorry she was that I had found out.

After this I went straight NC for 4 days until I had to text her to sort out what was happening with the flat. I cannot afford to keep it on my own but she seems to wants it. (no idea why been living here the past 2 weeks alone and i can certainly say it has brought up so many painful moments because it reminds me of so many good times!) So I have asked for all the money im owed from the deposit etc to be paid to me before I move out. Anyway im moving out this weekend and plan on going full NC after that date.

I had a serious moment of weakness last Easter weekend on a family dog walk. I text her saying how much this had cut me up, it went back and fourth for a while with her saying how she still loved me and always will and how she wants to be friends because im still her best friend and always will be. I said it hurt so much because I still thought the relationship still had legs and it must be easy for her because seemingly she has already moved on. I really really regret sending those texts big time! made me look so so weak.

Yesterday she came over to sort out bills etc transferring them to her, I kept it amicable and cool, not being affectionate or looking particularly upset. This seemed to confuse her because when she left and i just said bye without getting up to see her out, she asked if I didn't want to give her a hug or anything. I lost my frame her and said no I really didn't want to hug her particularly, but as i said it my eyes watered up a bit and my voice went a bit emotional. She left crying and after this I cried my eyes out uncontrollably. The first time i have cried since we broke up. Why did she want to hug me? I feel like its just to let her know she didn't do anything to bad etc im not giving in to it. After saturday im deleting her number, fb everything and going for a full NC for a while. I don't know whether to tell her im doing this or not seems a bit weird to tell her. I dunno.

Anyway I just really needed to rant this out, everyday has been a roller coaster, from pure anger and hatred, to utter dispare and feeling of a serious lack of direction in my life. Just wanted to say thank you to this forum reading some of you guys going through the same feelings etchas pulled me out of some dark pits. Hopefully I can now start a path of self improvement! Look forward to hearing from you guys and helping some of you guys through some things as well!

 

[SayWhat]

Day 4

Just saw her in her car driving too work. I almost turned around and drove there to talk too her. Luckily didn't do it.

Gonna be a bad day, I have nothing to do so my mind will go haywire.

Goddamn how can someone go from over the top in love to basically acting like you're the worst being on the planet.

I feel close to sending her something.

 

[Supersubie]

Your post is almost a godsend. I've been dealing with my breakup quite well up until yesterday where I had a slight relapse. Maybe not relapse since it wasn't as if I wanted to get back with her. But I had had a stressful day and work and my housemate was being a d*ck and I just realised "I miss my best friend".

It's just so nice to feel like actually you are not alone in this and its so ****ed up to see just how many guys are put through this exact same ****! I am actually thankful for this experience i guess. I have decided to make sure that this will be the best damn thing that has ever happened to me. It sucks like hell sometimes but when im busy at work or with my friends I feel like a huge *****y weight has been lifted off of my shoulders!

I am still in NC mode been 2 days since i have seen her, I managed to get a pretty cool girl on tinders number and seemingly this has helped me forget my ex a lot! We are texting like mad and shes making me laugh. It will be nothing more than a crutch to help me through but im having fun. I can not recommend it to any one going through this feeling enough get someone girl any girl, and get into a flirty texty phase with her. Its a huge distraction to the pain, and softens those heavy depressing times alone!

I have had urges to text my ex today, last night whilst I was going through the washing basket for the remainder of my clothes I found a lingerie outfit thing she had not worn for me in many many months... no idea why it was stuffed down the bottom of the basket, but it obviously got my mind racing. I'm pretty sure there is a reasonable explanation for it but there is a serious urge to ask her about it. I will resit!