The *No Contact* Challenge! ( Read this if you just got dumped)

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So, today would have been day 7 for me, and despite all of the excellent advice and encouraging posts in this forum, I messed up big time. You see, I work in the same building as her, and as we have always spent every free moment that we can together in that building, I broke today and went back- just to see how she was doing. Big, big mistake.

It turns out that she's doing just fine without me, or at least it appears so, and now I'm lower than ever. I just can't seem to get her off of my mind, and just walking into that building in the morning is a stab in the heart. Everything there reminds me of her, and I feel like an idiot for 1) being so weak, and 2) ever getting involved with someone I work with in the first place. I guess I'm starting over with no contact. I just don't know how to stop caring. I don't know how to stop loving her. I'm usually a pretty confident guy, but I feel like I have allowed myself to be destroyed. Will I ever get over her? And how do I do it? It just seems impossible, and I can't remember ever being so miserable. That's saying a lot too. I'm not a kid anymore. I'm 40 years old, and I've never felt so strongly about someone. I know she loves me too, but circumstances have gotten in the way, and things have gotten complicated. It just seems like such a waste.

 

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Just over a week ago, I met with the ex to sort out the remainder of the work on the house we worked on together. We'd been together just on 18 months before the split, she moved on quickly as most women do and I followed suit 2 months later after taking a month out to sort my ****, hit the gym, going out on dates with no expectations until I met an awesome girl who knocked my socks off. She is 5'8" (I'm only 5'9") with an awesome body, doesn't wear makeup or need it, independent, confident, brilliant family who think we're awesome together and totally supportive of my missions & goals in life unlike my ex who needed me around all the time.

I really felt sorry for my ex and she openly admitted last year was absolutely crap, we'd not seen or talked to each other for almost a year and clearly things hadn't gone to plan, she wasn't happy and had put on a couple of stone since we'd last met. It was so bizarre, no longer was she the woman I thought about day and night like I did immediately after the break as we all do... and some time afterwards in all honesty.

Moral of the story is, work on being the best version of you. Breakups will hurt, a lot... but they also make you stronger, better and more understanding on how to manage future relationships (less really is more, trust me).

As impossible as it seems right now, a better woman in every way is out there, just waiting to cross your path... but you've got to be in it to win it, push yourself to get out there, participate in your own rescue as Corey Wayne always says

You can do it!

:rockon:

Great post. I really hope I get there. Seems almost impossible right now.

 

[zorg198]

Let the time go by and it will.... day by day. i'm almost 3 months in NC. never thought it possible but it is. it will get easier.

 

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Let the time go by and it will.... day by day. i'm almost 3 months in NC. never thought it possible but it is. it will get easier.

Thanks zorg! Encouraging words are what it's all about when you're at your lowest, right? So here are mine:

To anyone else thinking of breaking no contact because they are scared, or because they think it doesn't apply to them somehow. Don't do it! You will only hurt yourself more. I know. I found that out today.

It's funny how your mind starts to work against you and you are able to somehow convince yourself that a little contact is ok, but it's not. Even if you are afraid of losing them for good if you don't contact them, the truth is that if you do you're really just giving them more power. It's giving them their cake and letting them eat it too. I would be lying if I said I wasn't hoping that my girl comes back, but breaking no contact apparently isn't going to make that happen. Learn from my mistakes. Leave it to her, leave it to fate, leave it to God, or whatever you believe in. Just don't let her have you on her terms. It will destroy you if you do.

 

[fuko2007]

So, today would have been day 7 for me, and despite all of the excellent advice and encouraging posts in this forum, I messed up big time. You see, I work in the same building as her, and as we have always spent every free moment that we can together in that building, I broke today and went back- just to see how she was doing. Big, big mistake.

It turns out that she's doing just fine without me, or at least it appears so, and now I'm lower than ever. I just can't seem to get her off of my mind, and just walking into that building in the morning is a stab in the heart. Everything there reminds me of her, and I feel like an idiot for 1) being so weak, and 2) ever getting involved with someone I work with in the first place. I guess I'm starting over with no contact. I just don't know how to stop caring. I don't know how to stop loving her. I'm usually a pretty confident guy, but I feel like I have allowed myself to be destroyed. Will I ever get over her? And how do I do it? It just seems impossible, and I can't remember ever being so miserable. That's saying a lot too. I'm not a kid anymore. I'm 40 years old, and I've never felt so strongly about someone. I know she loves me too, but circumstances have gotten in the way, and things have gotten complicated. It just seems like such a waste.

need more info. How old is she ? Kid? How long did y'all date or whatever etc.

 

[christoff522]

Thanks zorg! Encouraging words are what it's all about when you're at your lowest, right? So here are mine:

To anyone else thinking of breaking no contact because they are scared, or because they think it doesn't apply to them somehow. Don't do it! You will only hurt yourself more. I know. I found that out today.

It's funny how your mind starts to work against you and you are able to somehow convince yourself that a little contact is ok, but it's not. Even if you are afraid of losing them for good if you don't contact them, the truth is that if you do you're really just giving them more power. It's giving them their cake and letting them eat it too. I would be lying if I said I wasn't hoping that my girl comes back, but breaking no contact apparently isn't going to make that happen. Learn from my mistakes. Leave it to her, leave it to fate, leave it to God, or whatever you believe in. Just don't let her have you on her terms. It will destroy you if you do.

Think of your ex as a drug, a very bad drug. Being without her puts you in a state of withdrawl. Of course in many ways its harder than drugs because you literally have ZERO control over her, at least with drugs you can put them in a drawer "just in case". Basically, you're thinking to yourself that she might find someone else, and for you thats an unacceptable eventuality, because you've selected her as your woman. This is what is known as the pedestal, where you view perfection in imperfection. I've been there, just last year and it messed with my head. I'm single (thank God) and she's engaged to some chump. Does it hurt? NO, it did at first though, I decided to work on my confidence, and I'm truly beginning to see the signs of attractions from girls, and am seeing higher quality girls staring me out.

Put simply, I see my 'ex' as low quality compared to what I can get today, in just a year. Its not even difficult to achieve, and if you go the gym all that testosterone will build up and you'll reek of manliness. All the while HER QUALITY is going down with age and comfortableness. You see, what was some little hottie to me one year ago, now (claims she)has kidney problems, and is claiming she may not be able to have kids...the only texts I get back are her complaining of her illness and how she's throwing up - whilst chump holds her hair for her and 'comforts' her. In a year or two she'll be a land whale, and no one will want her boring, miserable ass.

Men - get more attractive with age, Women, get fat. Its okay to pedestalize a girl when you're 12 and don't know any better, but trust me, the more time you spend with women the more you realise that they're full of sh*t, tend to have nothing interesting to say, and use the toilet just like us - often they're batsh*t crazy as well. You must start viewing women not from desperation, but from an abundance mentality. They're EVERYWHERE!!! Do you really think that your ex is the only one for you? Do you think God would limit you to someone who treats you like crap? I promise you, theres about 3 billion women out there - just for you, and me, and everyone on this forum. Freedom and abundance are the key to getting over a relationship, freedom from the tyranny of an emotional wreck, and an abundance of better women. Which are all around you. Enjoy life!!

 

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Think of your ex as a drug, a very bad drug. Being without her puts you in a state of withdrawl. Of course in many ways its harder than drugs because you literally have ZERO control over her, at least with drugs you can put them in a drawer "just in case". Basically, you're thinking to yourself that she might find someone else, and for you thats an unacceptable eventuality, because you've selected her as your woman. This is what is known as the pedestal, where you view perfection in imperfection. I've been there, just last year and it messed with my head. I'm single (thank God) and she's engaged to some chump. Does it hurt? NO, it did at first though, I decided to work on my confidence, and I'm truly beginning to see the signs of attractions from girls, and am seeing higher quality girls staring me out.

Put simply, I see my 'ex' as low quality compared to what I can get today, in just a year. Its not even difficult to achieve, and if you go the gym all that testosterone will build up and you'll reek of manliness. All the while HER QUALITY is going down with age and comfortableness. You see, what was some little hottie to me one year ago, now (claims she)has kidney problems, and is claiming she may not be able to have kids...the only texts I get back are her complaining of her illness and how she's throwing up - whilst chump holds her hair for her and 'comforts' her. In a year or two she'll be a land whale, and no one will want her boring, miserable ass.

Men - get more attractive with age, Women, get fat. Its okay to pedestalize a girl when you're 12 and don't know any better, but trust me, the more time you spend with women the more you realise that they're full of sh*t, tend to have nothing interesting to say, and use the toilet just like us - often they're batsh*t crazy as well. You must start viewing women not from desperation, but from an abundance mentality. They're EVERYWHERE!!! Do you really think that your ex is the only one for you? Do you think God would limit you to someone who treats you like crap? I promise you, theres about 3 billion women out there - just for you, and me, and everyone on this forum. Freedom and abundance are the key to getting over a relationship, freedom from the tyranny of an emotional wreck, and an abundance of better women. Which are all around you. Enjoy life!!

Thanks for this, brother! I'm already in pretty decent shape, and have no problem getting women to notice me. It's the idealizing of her that I have to overcome. I know I'm doing it, and I guess that's the first step. I have the whole "she was meant for me" thing going on right now, but I guess everyone does that from time to time. I know I'll survive. It's just sad, but I know it will get easier. I just have to be strong for a while. I'm sure I'll see her differently in a couple of months. Obviously she hasn't been good for me or I wouldn't be posting here. I'm confident in myself, just hurting right now until this giant hole in the middle of me starts to close up.

I have to say that I'm glad that I found this thread, and the support and words of encouragement offered here have been great for me. Thanks to all of you guys, and I hope everyone here has a successful journey. We all deserve to be happy, right?

 

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need more info. How old is she ? Kid? How long did y'all date or whatever etc.

We dated for about a year and a half. She's 35 and I'm 40. She has 3 kids and I have 2, but none together. I guess some would say that I'm actually dodging a bullet, lol. It sure doesn't feel that way though, and I happen to love kids. We always got along great, and we were very open and honest with one another. She asked for this though, and all I can do is oblige. She says that she still feels like we were meant to be together, and she believes that in the end we will end up together again. I'm not buying though. It's probably just a ploy to keep me on the hook. I guess time will tell. I'm just going to do my best to focus on me and my kids and not worry about what she's thinking. She's probably half nuts anyway, and trying to figure her out has just driven me crazy too. Time to protect what's left of my sanity, lol. If she wants space, I'm going to give her all she can handle.

 

[christoff522]

Thanks for this, brother! I'm already in pretty decent shape, and have no problem getting women to notice me. It's the idealizing of her that I have to overcome. I know I'm doing it, and I guess that's the first step. I have the whole "she was meant for me" thing going on right now, but I guess everyone does that from time to time. I know I'll survive. It's just sad, but I know it will get easier. I just have to be strong for a while. I'm sure I'll see her differently in a couple of months. Obviously she hasn't been good for me or I wouldn't be posting here. I'm confident in myself, just hurting right now until this giant hole in the middle of me starts to close up.

Yeah, don't just think "Oh I'm over her". In two months time things are likely to still be raw, take it a day at a time. It's taken me nearly a year to get over this girl, true she's BPD so it does make things wayyyyy harder to get over, but still, don't stick a timeframe on it. just deal with things as they come. Thats the best advice I can give. Give it a week or two, then start dating again. The best way to get over someone is to get with someone else. As soon as I pulled other girls the chains binding me to the BPD ex loosened and I felt a million times better - hey thats what girls do, they break up and move on ASAP.

I have to say that I'm glad that I found this thread, and the support and words of encouragement offered here have been great for me. Thanks to all of you guys, and I hope everyone here has a successful journey. We all deserve to be happy, right?

Thank you, every post on this thread allows more and more people to be helped, I know that when I was in my worse times I literally read as much of this thread as I could, the advice given to others really helped me as well.

 

[[email protected]]

So, I realize that I have been clogging up this thread with posts over the last couple of days, but it's helping me, and that's what this is all about, right? It's my sincerest hope that when I make it through all of this that someday someone else can read all of these and find some inspiration or encouragement. So anyway, here it is:

Yesterday wasn't too bad. I still thought about her a lot, but I felt strong, and in control. This morning I woke up with that dark and sinking "oh my God, it's really over" feeling in my stomach. You know the ones where the minutes are hours, and the hours seem like days? I'm sure a lot of you guys remember those days- without much fondness, I would imagine. The strange thing is, I still don't feel weak, like I want to run back to her. I know I've humiliated myself enough. It's almost like I'm starting to embrace the misery, and know that the only way through it is straight through it. I have to feel it. Charge into it. I don't know if anyone else remembers feeling this way or not. My conviction is still strong, but today my heart is a little weak. Good days and bad days, I guess, but what one of you said really stuck with me: "one day at a time". So here's to one of the bad days. One of many to come, I'm sure, but I can't help but feel that there is a reward somewhere at the end of all of this for me.

 

[fuko2007]

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I know when children get involved things get complicated. But the basic principal to why you are here still applies. The advice you received about taking it one day at a time is great advice. Im over 4 months now and it still gets to me sometimes. The challenge has helped alot but there are still some things you have to do for yourself. This forum is not a panacea but it will help.

I found these thing helped through the bad parts.

1. Finding a new hobby.
2. Reconnect with old friends.
3. Spend time with some other women "hook up if you can"
4. Go out some.
5. STOP thinking about HER

When you find yourself thinking about her or whatever try to focus on something else. I just think about how mad she made me and that usually helps. But like i said this is not easy and is not a short process. You will have highs and lows but its normal. But keep posting up that's what this is here for.

 

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Thanks fuko2007. This is day 4 and it's a rough one. I guess they all will be for a little while. I'm trying to think of it of a test of my manhood though, lol. Appealing to the ego always helps.

 

[fuko2007]

Thanks fuko2007. This is day 4 and it's a rough one. I guess they all will be for a little while. I'm trying to think of it of a test of my manhood though, lol. Appealing to the ego always helps.

I understand bud. Give yourself a goal toady and reach it. You will feel better when you do and it will keep your mind occupied.

 

[Romezu]

Hello. I just registered to this forum but i have been forum lurker for a couple days now. Let me tell you my story

Me and my girlfriend broke up 1 week ago. I was the reason she dumped me so i cant blame her for that because i actually treated her like **** even tho i love her with all my heart. Every single day she textes me and calls me 10-20 times. I havent done NC yet but i am really thinking about it. She says she doesnt know what she wants. sometimes she wants me to come over to her place but when i come we just start fighting and it doesnt end up in a good way... she says she loves me, she says she wants to be with me, next day she doesnt want. Her feeling are like rollercoaster...

Few hours ago i talked with her last time and basicly told to her that i dont wanna see your ugly face ever again and hang off the phone. After that she sent me 3 text messages, one says that "why you always call me with names" other one "..." and third one "good night". Havent answered to those textes. Is this a good time to start NC or should i apologize her for saying that she is ugly.

I know for a fact that she can say whatever comes on her mind and i will do it, if she says come over her place i am there, she actually never came to my place when i asked her. She knows that she can make me do anything but this time i will stay stong.

Sorry for bad english, i am not native english speaker

All help is very appreciated.

 

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Hello. I just registered to this forum but i have been forum lurker for a couple days now. Let me tell you my story

Me and my girlfriend broke up 1 week ago. I was the reason she dumped me so i cant blame her for that because i actually treated her like **** even tho i love her with all my heart. Every single day she textes me and calls me 10-20 times. I havent done NC yet but i am really thinking about it. She says she doesnt know what she wants. sometimes she wants me to come over to her place but when i come we just start fighting and it doesnt end up in a good way... she says she loves me, she says she wants to be with me, next day she doesnt want. Her feeling are like rollercoaster...

Few hours ago i talked with her last time and basicly told to her that i dont wanna see your ugly face ever again and hang off the phone. After that she sent me 3 text messages, one says that "why you always call me with names" other one "..." and third one "good night". Havent answered to those textes. Is this a good time to start NC or should i apologize her for saying that she is ugly.

I know for a fact that she can say whatever comes on her mind and i will do it, if she says come over her place i am there, she actually never came to my place when i asked her. She knows that she can make me do anything but this time i will stay stong.

Sorry for bad english, i am not native english speaker

All help is very appreciated.

Hi! I'm somewhat new to this forum too, and I am 4 days into no contact, so I'm definitely not expert. I would maybe text or call her just to tell her that you are sorry about how you reacted the night before, but you think that maybe you could both use some time apart to analyze the relationship and decide what's best for both of you. I wouldn't necessarily go in to no contact with things ending that badly. You're just going to create more anger and resentment on her part. I would talk to her calmly, and without arguing and just say that you think it would be a good idea if you spent a little time apart. THEN go no contact. Like I said, I'm new to all of this also, so some of the others in here might offer you better advice. I personally would just hate to end things that way.

 

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I'm at just over a week now of no contact. I had a couple of decent days in there, but I had dreams about her last night and that set me back. I guess you can't control your dreams though. I just can't believe all of this is easy for her. I'm tired of feeling this way, but I'm also hating myself for whining about it still. i keep hoping that sooner or later my mind will just break and I will be able to tell myself "enough is enough. Pull yourself together." I still want her back, and I find myself still thinking that if I leave her alone it just makes it that much easier for her to forget and go on. I know that's not right, and I shouldn't even be thinking about winning her back, but my mind doesn't seem ready to let go just yet. Can anyone relate to this? Was there a period of time that you were still hoping for reconciliation before your mind let go? I know the point of no contact is to allow yourself to heal, but I'm still in the stage where I'me not interested in healing. I'm just interested in having her back. Will this eventually take care of itself, or is there a way to trick yourself into thinking the way you're supposed to. Help please. I don't want to fail at this again.

 

[Romezu]

4th day of no contact with ex. Not even a single call or text from her which is kinda weird i must admit. Im just thinking that she might be dating someone. I have been dreaming about her every night. Feels like i am empty inside and i just want to die... I am weak... She also blocked me on Facebook today for some reason?

Help me please. I cant stand this feeling.

 

[[email protected]]

4th day of no contact with ex. Not even a single call or text from her which is kinda weird i must admit. Im just thinking that she might be dating someone. I have been dreaming about her every night. Feels like i am empty inside and i just want to die... I am weak... She also blocked me on Facebook today for some reason?

Help me please. I cant stand this feeling.

I'm right there with you, brother. It's been just over a week for me, and I know EXACTLY what you're going through. You're lonely, you wonder how someone that supposedly loved you could just drop you, you feel like you're crawling out of your own skin. The anxiety sucks. Thinking about her being with someone else literally makes you sick. I know all of this, and I think we all go through it. You're not alone. Stay strong, and if you want, you can pm me. We are both in the early stages of no contact. Maybe we can help keep one another on the right track. Hang in there, bro!

 

[way2smart]

Okay it's embarrassing, but fvck it, that's why I'm here. I have dumped my ex about 5 months ago. It was hard for the first month and I almost completely forgot about her by the 60th day.

For some weird fvcking reason I have started thinking about her again, I checked her Whatsup profile several times for the past week, just to see if she updates her profile pic, which is really pathetic of me!

I have two plates I am spinning right now, but I still can't stop thinking about her.

 

[way2smart]

Not wierd, perfectly normal. plates acting a fool is a pretty big trigger for me

Maybe that. Like the other day I was laying in my bed after banging this plate and I actually looked at my ex's profile while the plate was taking a shower.

I can't wait for this to go away. It's fvcking with my mind. I knew there's no way I would want to be with my ex. She was a lying bipolar, manipulative, attention wh0re. Which I caught lying multiple times, she gave her number out multiple times to guys that hit on her. Even texting with one guy she met at my apartment complex every single day and you wouldn't even believe what kind of lies she came up with to cover it up.

Anyway, thinking about it, there's no fvcking way I would ever want to be with her again in my life.

It was kind of my fault too, I didn't screen her properly. In fact she was dating another guy when I met her, she dumped her boyfriend of 3 years immediately and started dating with me, which by itself was a huge red flag.

Almost all of my friends are saying that she dumped that guy for me because he was poor and I was wealthy (I do make about 200k). And I didn't want to believe them, but I think they were right about everything. She was a fvcking gold digger, you don't just dump a boyfriend of 3 years for a guy you just met.