DAY 17 NC
It's been surprisingly easier than I imagined, but I still wake up to the occasional pang of yearning and often catch myself rehashing the story from a variety of different angles, sometimes cursing her, but mostly damning myself. I feel like I'm caught somewhere between a state of anger and acceptance, constantly oscilating between the two.
Has anyone here ever had an experience where you've dated a girl who had you contradicting and basically tossing out the window any and every shred of knowledge of women you've accumulated over the years? That was my most recent experience. Ultimately, I think that's what tears me up the most - the perpetual backsliding that took place on my behalf to accomodate her (which in truth really means: so I could have access to her body) Guys will be guys, huh? My first case of falling prey to a so-called "golden vag" and (I intend it to be) my last as well.
I unfollowed her on Instagram about a week after the breakup (beat her to that one) and after she apparentely realized what I did, she subsequently unfollowed anyone tied to me about a day later. A day after that, she sent me a late night text telling me "not to think for a second" that the week that just passed (post break up) was "hell", that she misses me more than I'll ever know, and that she was just "tired of hurting each other". I read it while waiting to catch a Metromover to a bar and nearly threw my phone down a few flights in disgust. I haven't responded and I won't ever respond. Done. Instead, I charged up my phone a few nights later, opened the voice memos app, pretended to have her on the other line, and emptied out my cup of frustration, almost an hour and half worth of material (very relieving too btw, all while maintaining NC)
See, I've been down this road before with her - I succesfully got her back almost a year ago after she decided to break up with me following two months of courting by me. Problem is that about a month before we split apart for good (just over two weeks ago), I came to the conclusion that I had reached my breaking point, that I had allowed myself to be castrated - this was all my doing. The slow buildup of self-loathing was causing me to lash out at her for what I perceived to be the smallest infractions. I felt impotent, defeated, undesirable. I wanted nothing more than for her to both respect and want me again, but to no avail. Precedent had already been set. I had it all completely backwards. Besides, of the several billion women on this Earth, why was it so important that she express an unwavering allegiance toward me? It's so easy to point the finger, say she sucks, that she's mentally unstable, has issues (all true btw), but it's really me who has to take a good look in the mirror. Why did I put up with this for long? What happened to my standards? Would you believe if I told you that about 90% of our 'conversations' were really just me going off on monologue? The girl had nothing to say. I don't know what her spirit animal is, but it's definitely an inanimate object. Alright, so I'm a bit jaded for the moment, but that too shall pass. All I can really say for myself, regrettably, is that clearly I don't value myself as much as I ought to. I once did though, so all hope is not lost...
Someone wrote somewhere on the interwebs that whenever he's been dumped by the woman he was dating, he assumed it to be a clear indication that he is not living up to his potential as a man. Great perspective, I think. I got into this relationship for all the wrong reasons. Pure neediness drove me to basically twist her arm into a relationship with me. Without a doubt the most catastrophic train wreck of a romantic situation I've ever been involved in to date, and I deserved it ("be careful what you wish for, you might just get it") To be honest, I wouldn't get into a relationship with me right now, but this was the wake up call I needed. I resented her, but I knew deep down that that was misguided - you can't change a zebra's stripes. It was me who allowed the inmates to run the asylum.
I've read a lot of stories on this very thread about people who had long lasting and deep connections with their exes. In a way, I suppose that makes me fortunate - going through something like that probably hurts a hell of a lot more than what I went through - but facing a longwinded pattern of self-deceit is crushing too let me tell you. I used to call her out left and right on her emotionally-based flip flopping, for being disingenuous, for trying to hide behind a veil of being a "nice girl", for this thing and the other, but I could have gotten out a hell of a lot sooner. I actually do miss her some, but I fully recognize now that I had a drug-like attachment to her, and everyday is a step toward complete sobriety.
It's one thing to read or hear about it, and something else entirely to actually experience it, but any advice I have to offer probably won't deviate much from what's already been posted (and expressed much better):
First, accept that it is over. You're not dead, and you won't die because of this break up. Hate to pull this card, but there are people in much worse situations than you are and who probably would trade their situation with your own if given the chance (ex. cancer diagnosis) Toughen up. Promise to yourself that you will get your balls back. Love yourself. Take pride in everything about yourself, but continue to strengthen every possible dimension about yourself - how you speak, how you dress, how you carry yourself etc. Go out and experience new things. Push your boundaries. Break out of your comfort zone. Go out alone without a single drop of alcohol to fall back on. Use the adrenaline as fuel. Talk to girls about whatever you so please. Don't become a misogynist. Instead, improve your game. Learn to become a better judge of character. Learn to develop a will that strives toward making things happen as opposed to things just happening to you. Make yourself laugh. Laugh at the things you come up with. Embrace rejection. Learn to be more social with everyone. Before taking up anything, ask yourself how it will improve your lot in life. Find something you are passionate about and pour your heart and soul into it - art, music, weight training, your career, whatever speaks to you. Dedicate yourself to yourself, and not to a woman Your emotions will eventually catch up to your concerted effort to crawl out of the black hole you presently find yourself in, and not only will you make it out, but you'll be overwhelmed with happiness to find an almost unrecognizable version of yourself once you reach the proverbial 'light'. Last but not least, when you get to the other side, when you gain back for yourself the most masculine and prized thing that underlies you as a man - your sense of freedom - in the spirit of this forum, don't forget to offer a bit of guidance to someone trying to battle their way out of their own similar prison of despair.