The *No Contact* Challenge! ( Read this if you just got dumped)

[BeTheChange]

@LiveYourDream

Thank you so much for this. I appreciate your support.

 

[BeTheChange]

What I'm doing reminds me of odysseus and the sirens.

 

[BeTheChange]

Just got an email.

"BeTheChange, I just stood at your door ringing forever. Please read this:

Last night I was at home drinking a whole bottle of peosecco by myself. I was angry. I was hurt over the condom story. I wanted to hurt you back. I was at home imagining what you were thinking and feeling. I swear on my life that that is all that happened. I passed out in my clothes and woke up sweaty and confused. When I realised what I had done I ran over. I am sorry. I wanted to hurt you but I did it in a way that wont hurt you now. Please. Please whereever you are. You know we are mad. We are stupid in love though. I love you to death BeTheChange. I will make up for this I swear. Please come back. I love you forever. BeTheChange please dont kill me like this. I love you"

You believe her?

 

[Carpathian]

@BeTheChange I think you have given this woman enough chances. You have shown that you have a long fuse with her, you have been patient. However, relationships should never be this much drama. And in your heart, you know this too. You have to decide accordingly. I feel that if you took her back you'd be posting more drama in a few weeks because this relationship is dysfunctional and it always will be.

 

[BeTheChange]

Is 30 days NC long enough to detach emotionally?

 

[Carpathian]

Is 30 days NC long enough to detach emotionally?

No. I am three months NC (other than a few emails five weeks ago) and I still have some emotional connection to her. As have others on here. I bet she does as well. It can take a long time to completely let go. Even though I've got a new woman now who is lovely, I like a lot etc I still have aftershocks of emotions towards the ex. Two years (maybe more in your case) of having your lives entwined together, loving someone as much as you love yourself takes some unraveling.

Don't beat yourself up about it. It is normal if she meant anything to you.

 

[Carpathian]

If one were cold and unemotional and never attached to begin with then 30 days could be enough. That's not the story for you two, not at all. 30 days is long enough to get re-centered. After that, understand it will still take clear focus and incredible resolve to stay centered, if you were to see her, pictures of her, or interact somehow (especially in the months most immediately following.)

Most feel better in 30 days but far from complete. One could also feel horrible again in an instant if they are not careful. NC is a journey of healing and growth, not a quick fix.

ABSOLUTELY, ABSOLUTELY, ABSOLUTELY.
I was doing great for ten weeks NC. Then I replied to an email from her after ten weeks - with me thinking it could have been an opening from her. Exchanged a series of short emails over a few days and it took me right back. She then went silent again. It upset me - made me sob even - and took me two weeks to get back on my feet again. BE VERY CAREFUL responding as Liveyourdream states and as advised me.. I am not responding at all now to anything from her. I do not think there is anything she can say to me that would make things different.

Indeed, I used to think those who say block their number were being over the top and melodaramatic. I now see they are not. Contact from your ex fvcks with your mind big time.

 

[BeTheChange]

Indeed, I used to think those who say block their number were being over the top and melodaramatic. I now see they are not. Contact from your ex fvcks with your mind big time.

Thing is they will find a way regardless. Even with me getting a hotel and blocking her on every form of communication I could think of she still found a way to contact me. I understad now why people change their numbers and move to a different city.

 

[BeTheChange]

Day 2

I actually started to realise how damaging this relationship has been over last few months in terms of managing other areas of my life. It's amazing how much mental and physical energy is sapped dealing with a messy relationship and all of the up and down, make up/ break up moments that come with that.

For example my gym training has suffered as I lose my appetite during the first few days of a breakup, not to mention struggling to sleep. Work was problematic for the same reason and my performance had dipped. Also noticed my job search took a backseat because I was finding life admin difficult to deal with because of all the sh*t going on. It sucks a bit now but I realise the end of this relationship is going to be liberating.

Friday can't come soon enough (when she leaves for holiday). I know a part of me will be very sad. Knowing I definitely won't see or hear from her for a month will be tough. But at the same time it frees me and gives me so much optimism because I know that I'll be so much more grounded by the time we even have the opportunity to bump into each other again. And I think it will be a lot easier for me to resist breaking NC. I find that the longer you are in NC for the harder it is to break because you realise if you get sucked back into things with the ex you then have to go through all those weeks of repairing yourself if things go down south. That's a massive deterrent to wander down that path in the first place.

One thing I've realised is you need to have self control. Our exes can only really fvck with our minds if we allow them too. Take a step back, breathe and move on. Every day at a time.

 

[BeTheChange]

Friend of mine had a really cool idea. Every time you feel sad about the ex FORCE YOURSELF to do something that you know is beneficial for your life in some way. Whether it's through allowing you to meet new people, have a new experience, etc.

Whenever I feel bad and I have 5 minutes at work I open up tinder and force myself to chat even if I don't particularly want to. Chances are some of those conversations might turn into something more in a few days/weeks when you're feeling better.

I've been with my ex for over 3 years and we were on and off living together since 2014 so one thing I never did was actually learn to cook. That's one thing I'm committed to doing. Actually I'll get some of my post-breakup goals down now.

1. Learn to cook
2. Learn Spanish
3. Build up enough upper body strength at the gym to flagpole

 

[BlueAlpha1]

ABSOLUTELY, ABSOLUTELY, ABSOLUTELY.
I was doing great for ten weeks NC. Then I replied to an email from her after ten weeks - with me thinking it could have been an opening from her. Exchanged a series of short emails over a few days and it took me right back. She then went silent again. It upset me - made me sob even - and took me two weeks to get back on my feet again. BE VERY CAREFUL responding as Liveyourdream states and as advised me.. I am not responding at all now to anything from her. I do not think there is anything she can say to me that would make things different.

Indeed, I used to think those who say block their number were being over the top and melodaramatic. I now see they are not. Contact from your ex fvcks with your mind big time.

Interesting. When my ex and I had our second-last separation, it took 10 weeks and I got a call at work one night. She was drunk and having a melt down. I didn't answer the call, but foolishly responded by text the next day. Fast forward and was in for another year of this hell.

But our last separation (the current one) is now over a year. She's finally gone for good. So what I believe for you is even if you give in (which is a terrible idea), this is probably your last go-round based on my experience.

 

[BeTheChange]

Day 3

We'll here it is. She's gone. And for good. I knew something was up because she was so aggressive in her pursuit of me yesterday morning and by afternoon...radio silence. Then I wake up to this message

"Have just landed in France. [Name of friend] informed my family about us being in contact... please dont forget me. Ever. Love"

She is orginally from France, meaning that her parents have dragged her ass back over there. Her parents hate me and this basically means she will be there at the very least for the rest of the summer and till uni starts in October. However I do not think her parents will trust her and will probably insist that she transfers to a French university, which is why there is a good chance I will never see her again even if I wanted to.

Still in a state of shock and haven't quite processed it yet. It does feel as if she has died. All the anger is gone for now.

I haven't responded to her message but feel like I should just to provide some kind of official finality to it and at this stage I just want what's best for her. Pride aside.

 

[Carpathian]

Interesting. When my ex and I had our second-last separation, it took 10 weeks and I got a call at work one night. She was drunk and having a melt down. I didn't answer the call, but foolishly responded by text the next day. Fast forward and was in for another year of this hell.

But our last separation (the current one) is now over a year. She's finally gone for good. So what I believe for you is even if you give in (which is a terrible idea), this is probably your last go-round based on my experience.

Let's hope so - i.e. let's hope she is gone for good. I don't want her back now. The cycles I went through with the ex (all dumping done by her over text, I was never given the opportunity to discuss) outlined below. I tried to discuss "why" immediately after being dumped but she would not discuss with me other than cry and say she doesn't know what she wants. No communications about any problems beforehand. No fighting. Great sex both sides. Hand-holding, affectionate gestures, "I love you's" until day before breakup, families adored each other, people said we looked a brilliant couple, her sons thought I was the best thing that ever happened to her etc. They used to tell me they had never seen their mom so happy. She used to tell me she was so proud of me and that she met me, I was "her wonderful man", she waxed lyrical about me to all her friends... Then she slowly withdrew, went cold and distant, then a sudden cliff edge and dumped. No reason at all. Seriously. I don't for a second pretend I am perfect either (who is?) but there was no serious reason for her behavior. Indeed, I have now passed the stage where I am even looking for a reason. It is her fvcking loss.

We met in September 2014
8 months together>>>>>>>> Two month breakup but regular (few times a week) text contact and a few meetups. Then,
4 months together>>>> One month breakup but regular texts. Begged me to get back with her. Then
3 months together>>>>>> Broke up for three months, other than an email reach out from her, silence

The way the dumpings were conducted were identical in each of the three phases. i.e.slowly becoming more distant and cold, not as available, dates cancelled etc. To anyone reading this going through something similar, the pain of being dumped GETS WORSE each time you go through it. The third (i.e. THIS time) has been especially difficult and very painful. Were there to be a fourth time I bet that would be worse still. That's why there will not be a fourth time.

We are both in our late 40's and otherwise mature people. WTF????!!!!!!!! I discussed with a colleague who is a specialist in that area and she thinks (in the absence of meeting her) it is probably signs of BPD or NPD. Maybe some other guy or an ex is in the picture. All I want is for me and my daughter to be rid of her.

 

[Carpathian]

Day 3

We'll here it is. She's gone. And for good. I knew something was up because she was so aggressive in her pursuit of me yesterday morning and by afternoon...radio silence. Then I wake up to this message

"Have just landed in France. [Name of friend] informed my family about us being in contact... please dont forget me. Ever. Love"

She is orginally from France, meaning that her parents have dragged her ass back over there. Her parents hate me and this basically means she will be there at the very least for the rest of the summer and till uni starts in October. However I do not think her parents will trust her and will probably insist that she transfers to a French university, which is why there is a good chance I will never see her again even if I wanted to.

Still in a state of shock and haven't quite processed it yet. It does feel as if she has died. All the anger is gone for now.

I haven't responded to her message but feel like I should just to provide some kind of official finality to it and at this stage I just want what's best for her. Pride aside.

Just ignore that message. Don't contact her, she is still digging for a response. And is she really back in France? To keep replying you are prolonging.

 

[BeTheChange]

Just ignore that message. Don't contact her, she is still digging for a response. And is she really back in France? To keep replying you are prolonging.

She is in France. Confirmed it with her housemate.

 

[Carpathian]

She is in France. Confirmed it with her housemate.

Ignore anyway. You are not doing yourself any favors to keep replying to her. Reply equals contact which DOES NOT EQUAL No Contact. And it is NC that you need my friend to rid yourself of this woman.

 

[dude99]

Let's hope so - i.e. let's hope she is gone for good. I don't want her back now. The cycles I went through with the ex (all dumping done by her over text, I was never given the opportunity to discuss) outlined below. I tried to discuss "why" immediately after being dumped but she would not discuss with me other than cry and say she doesn't know what she wants. No communications about any problems beforehand. No fighting. Great sex both sides. Hand-holding, affectionate gestures, "I love you's" until day before breakup, families adored each other, people said we looked a brilliant couple, her sons thought I was the best thing that ever happened to her etc. They used to tell me they had never seen their mom so happy. She used to tell me she was so proud of me and that she met me, I was "her wonderful man", she waxed lyrical about me to all her friends... Then she slowly withdrew, went cold and distant, then a sudden cliff edge and dumped. No reason at all. Seriously. I don't for a second pretend I am perfect either (who is?) but there was no serious reason for her behavior. Indeed, I have now passed the stage where I am even looking for a reason. It is her fvcking loss.

We met in September 2014
8 months together>>>>>>>> Two month breakup but regular (few times a week) text contact and a few meetups. Then,
4 months together>>>> One month breakup but regular texts. Begged me to get back with her. Then
3 months together>>>>>> Broke up for three months, other than an email reach out from her, silence

The way the dumpings were conducted were identical in each of the three phases. i.e.slowly becoming more distant and cold, not as available, dates cancelled etc. To anyone reading this going through something similar, the pain of being dumped GETS WORSE each time you go through it. The third (i.e. THIS time) has been especially difficult and very painful. Were there to be a fourth time I bet that would be worse still. That's why there will not be a fourth time.

We are both in our late 40's and otherwise mature people. WTF????!!!!!!!! I discussed with a colleague who is a specialist in that area and she thinks (in the absence of meeting her) it is probably signs of BPD or NPD. Maybe some other guy or an ex is in the picture. All I want is for me and my daughter to be rid of her.

Reading her pattern my thoughts are, its an on and off with another guy. That is the only reason she would behave that way.

 

[BeTheChange]

"She doesn't know what she wants"

Bullsh*t! She knows what she wants and it just isn't you.

Reading her pattern my thoughts are, its an on and off with another guy. That is the only reason she would behave that way.

I agree with this assessment. I look at my ex's behaviour and how she literally melts down after more than a week of NC. I think if a woman is literally spending months (and almost half a year in Cap's case) away from you before coming back there is not only another guy in the picture but she is very much into him. You may need to confront the reality that perhaps you were the sidedude and she may have finally worked things out with the other guy. I mean, it's been a year man.

Women, just dont wait that long if they actually give a crap.

I can't comment on how I'll feel after the 60 day challenge come September but I'll say this. Once the 60 days are up that's it. I'm out of here. Because honestly I think if you are still posting about your ex after that point you are doing yourself a disservice. After that "grief" you owe it to yourself to move on COMPLETELY. I mean come on. Is anyone here still talking about Daisy who rejected them in the cafeteria when they were 14? Exactly. And that's how it should be with your ex. Give yourself 60 days then move on. Properly.Discussing her after that point only becomes counterproductive and from what i'm seeing in this thread actually increases the oneitis and goddess like status in our minds whether we admit it or not.

 

[Carpathian]

@dude99 @BeTheChange Agreed. I think this as well. There is someone else in the picture, I am pretty sure that is the only explanation. That said, she was incredibly into me. But I cannot think of any reason for the sudden changes of behavior. There was an ex who she was for three years and who she split with eight months before me, she said he was an unpredictable and moody a$$hole who never made any time for her and her adult sons hated him whereas they loved me. But she mentioned this guy several times (in bad way I hasten to add). Maybe he has been trying to hit on her or maybe they are back together. They can do what they want, I am not interested in her anymore.

BTW It has not been a year, it's been since end of March. Three break ups in 18 months, this being the longest of three months.

The solution is the same, no contact.

EDIT: I agree, I am off of this thread at the end of this month, it does no good to keep discussing it. I have actually met another lady with whom I have been on three dates with and we get on great!

 

[guru1000]

Is 30 days NC long enough to detach emotionally?

Emotional pain is temporary. It may last a month, six months, a year. But eventually, the pain will subside and strength/resolve will take its place. If you quit, however, the pain (of selling yourself out) can last a lifetime.