chancer357
Don Juan
- Joined
- Jan 3, 2004
- Messages
- 139
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No
Hello Friend,
If this is your first visit to SoSuave, I would advise you to START HERE.
It will be the most efficient use of your time.
And you will learn everything you need to know to become a huge success with women.
Thank you for visiting and have a great day!
So shy
- Thread starter 777boy
- Start date
I used to be the same way dog but I just have a diffrent attitude now.... a.. not caring attitude. A Faultless "go with the flow" attitude.. I think this is what you need to develop .
Now my game has changed completly..
Last night I boned a dime., and by the morning her best friend came over, and I boned her. Hah, now there enimies. True story. HIPhIP hOrrAY!!!!!
Now my game has changed completly..
Last night I boned a dime., and by the morning her best friend came over, and I boned her. Hah, now there enimies. True story.
HIPhIP hOrrAY!!!!!777boy,
You sound just like me. I've had 2-3 real GFs in my life, and all asked me out. I've been shy for as long as I can remember.
One mistaken belief I used to have is that I will just grow out of it. Nope. I know a guy whos in his 60's whos really shy.
This summer I actually thought I beat it, I was able to approach a few chicks, got 2 phone numbers, and a date. But somehow I reverted right back to this hell.
I dont know what to tell you because Ive tryed everything, and it seems nothing works. I'm thinking about getting a psychologist to test me for social anxiety, and see if a pro can help.
If it helps, realize you're definitally not alone in your pain. At the same time, realize if you dont change, you will be the same 10 years from now.....
Best of luck to all of us
You sound just like me. I've had 2-3 real GFs in my life, and all asked me out. I've been shy for as long as I can remember.
One mistaken belief I used to have is that I will just grow out of it. Nope. I know a guy whos in his 60's whos really shy.
This summer I actually thought I beat it, I was able to approach a few chicks, got 2 phone numbers, and a date. But somehow I reverted right back to this hell.
I dont know what to tell you because Ive tryed everything, and it seems nothing works. I'm thinking about getting a psychologist to test me for social anxiety, and see if a pro can help.
If it helps, realize you're definitally not alone in your pain. At the same time, realize if you dont change, you will be the same 10 years from now.....
Best of luck to all of us
Howsit,
Jond i was also thinking of going and getting tested to see whether i suffered from social anxiety.But in my case its weird cos im okay with all guys and girls i already know.
I only get totally flusterred with new chicks.
This forum has helped me lots though cos for the last few days now i stick my chest out and chin up and when i see a chick i dont look down.I still cant smile or say hello easily and i think i have a very serious look on my face but i guess once i get used to making eye contact ill be able to open up slowly.
Funny but the world looks different now that i can look up as i walk rather than just glance up once in a while.
Im still think its going to be a struggle but lets see.
I think i feel im not good enough for a girl when i see one.It doesnt matter even if shes not good looking but in my mind i think she wont like me.
Maybe i need a psychologists help to make me feel better about myself and to make me feel that im worthy of a girl.
Cheers
Jond i was also thinking of going and getting tested to see whether i suffered from social anxiety.But in my case its weird cos im okay with all guys and girls i already know.
I only get totally flusterred with new chicks.
This forum has helped me lots though cos for the last few days now i stick my chest out and chin up and when i see a chick i dont look down.I still cant smile or say hello easily and i think i have a very serious look on my face but i guess once i get used to making eye contact ill be able to open up slowly.
Funny but the world looks different now that i can look up as i walk rather than just glance up once in a while.
Im still think its going to be a struggle but lets see.
I think i feel im not good enough for a girl when i see one.It doesnt matter even if shes not good looking but in my mind i think she wont like me.
Maybe i need a psychologists help to make me feel better about myself and to make me feel that im worthy of a girl.
Cheers
chancer
Senior Don Juan
skip.
Yeah same here. I'm fine around friends and coworkers.
For me its approaching a chick in front of other people that is hardest for me.
I think I have a series of negative thoughts about everyone watching me, and basically thinking I'm a loser for trying to pickup a chick.
Whats weird is I even have a problem asking a chick for the time, directions, etc. I KNOW if I really needed directions, it wouldnt even be an issue, but I think I subcouscously think other people know what I'm up to, and then judge me.
I know these thoughts are stupid, and it pisses me off. Also it seems like the only advise I ever see on this site and asf is to 'just do it' which I guess means the help I need cant be found here...
dj2l8
Don Juan
2 Words
I know the revered Walden posted this before, but it needs to be said again. Listen up fly-boy...
BOOT CAMP
There's no reason postponing it. You will realized, that as painfully shy/socially retarded around women you are, there is NO WAY out of your current predicament other than with HARD WORK.
This is coming from a 33yo good looking dude, with all the trimmings who couldn't approach an attractive tree-stump about 3 months ago. Got all mine from friends...a shameful way to be, and all that time I developed a right-handed grip that could spot-weld aluminum.
So, listen, really. Start the boot-camp Jan 1st. It will be painful, embarrasing, awkward and fun. Do it, and post it to the Mature Man BC thread. We'll be there for you.
Come on guys, can I get a witness here? You can't become un-shy overnight...In the meantime flyboy, give yourself some slack and READ, READ, READ this site...accept that this will take at least a year to really change, but that you will change.
You'll be in the mile-high club by Jan 1 2006. Dude you're a pilot! Try being a computer scientist...you can't even mention those words in a bar without the music stopping....
Wanna start now? Go out and start trying to say Hi to some attractive ladies in the airport. Hold their eye contact longer than they do...practice grasshopper...
Peace
Dj2L8
I know the revered Walden posted this before, but it needs to be said again. Listen up fly-boy...
BOOT CAMP
There's no reason postponing it. You will realized, that as painfully shy/socially retarded around women you are, there is NO WAY out of your current predicament other than with HARD WORK.
This is coming from a 33yo good looking dude, with all the trimmings who couldn't approach an attractive tree-stump about 3 months ago. Got all mine from friends...a shameful way to be, and all that time I developed a right-handed grip that could spot-weld aluminum.
So, listen, really. Start the boot-camp Jan 1st. It will be painful, embarrasing, awkward and fun. Do it, and post it to the Mature Man BC thread. We'll be there for you.
Come on guys, can I get a witness here? You can't become un-shy overnight...In the meantime flyboy, give yourself some slack and READ, READ, READ this site...accept that this will take at least a year to really change, but that you will change.
You'll be in the mile-high club by Jan 1 2006. Dude you're a pilot! Try being a computer scientist...you can't even mention those words in a bar without the music stopping....
Wanna start now? Go out and start trying to say Hi to some attractive ladies in the airport. Hold their eye contact longer than they do...practice grasshopper...
Peace
Dj2L8
Chancer what do you mean by SKIP ?
Jond i know what you mean when you say " you feel everyone would be watching you if you tried to approach a chick and think youre a loser "
Its as though were doing something wrong....and we have no right to approach a chick.
You know i think its cos we think -ve we dont see all the other people out there who are in the same boat as us.Do you really think all
guys are getting chicks and having a good time ? I honestly think there are so many out there like us.Look at this forum you,Chancer 357 and myself have this
weird problem.3 people in a single forum.So what about your state or city ? Believe me there are so many miserable people but many dont say anything or make
an effort.At least we are in this forum trying to figure out ways to help ourselves with useful input from others.
Jond have you done the Boot Camp ?
I focus on people having a good time and dont notice the other miserable guys like ourselves.What i do is everytime i go on a trip i try something different.
This time i stopped looking at couples and focused on single guys and honestly there are loads out there.Were not alone.
Dj2l8 you want me to wait a whole year to become a proper Dj ?.......oh man haha.I need a quick solution
Seriously though your idea of initiating contact with women at an airport is good.One thing is even if someone ignores you or blows you off it doesnt matter cos
youll probably never see them again anyways as opposed to someone living in your neighbourhood etc who you may bump into over and over.So its a win win situation.
For myself i know uniform really changes peoples attitudes toward you.Before i posted in this forum and a few weeks ago as i was walking through the airport a lady maybe
in her 40s and absolutely gorgeous stopped me and asked me where i was going blah blah.We chatted for maybe 5 mins and i wasnt nervous or anything.
I could have even told her aircraft engines run on water and shed have believed me.Its like whatever i said was wowwwwwwwwwwww.
However i knew that if i had been in civilian clothes she wouldnt
have even noticed me.So i think like a pilots uniform or any uniform gives you a sort of authority or attraction that makes people want to talk to you.
I havent exploited this avenue but i think maybe ill try and follow up on it as also i kind off have so much more confidence in myself when im dressed up in uniform.
Dj2l8 i have a silly question.How do i begin the boot camp ?When i open the link it give reports from other forum users ?So is boot camp like readint these reports?
Am naive so please excuse my ignorance.Thanks
Anyways Merry Xmas to you all and all the best for the New year.....
Jond i know what you mean when you say " you feel everyone would be watching you if you tried to approach a chick and think youre a loser "
Its as though were doing something wrong....and we have no right to approach a chick.
You know i think its cos we think -ve we dont see all the other people out there who are in the same boat as us.Do you really think all
guys are getting chicks and having a good time ? I honestly think there are so many out there like us.Look at this forum you,Chancer 357 and myself have this
weird problem.3 people in a single forum.So what about your state or city ? Believe me there are so many miserable people but many dont say anything or make
an effort.At least we are in this forum trying to figure out ways to help ourselves with useful input from others.
Jond have you done the Boot Camp ?
I focus on people having a good time and dont notice the other miserable guys like ourselves.What i do is everytime i go on a trip i try something different.
This time i stopped looking at couples and focused on single guys and honestly there are loads out there.Were not alone.
Dj2l8 you want me to wait a whole year to become a proper Dj ?.......oh man haha.I need a quick solution
Seriously though your idea of initiating contact with women at an airport is good.One thing is even if someone ignores you or blows you off it doesnt matter cos
youll probably never see them again anyways as opposed to someone living in your neighbourhood etc who you may bump into over and over.So its a win win situation.
For myself i know uniform really changes peoples attitudes toward you.Before i posted in this forum and a few weeks ago as i was walking through the airport a lady maybe
in her 40s and absolutely gorgeous stopped me and asked me where i was going blah blah.We chatted for maybe 5 mins and i wasnt nervous or anything.
I could have even told her aircraft engines run on water and shed have believed me.Its like whatever i said was wowwwwwwwwwwww.
However i knew that if i had been in civilian clothes she wouldnt
have even noticed me.So i think like a pilots uniform or any uniform gives you a sort of authority or attraction that makes people want to talk to you.
I havent exploited this avenue but i think maybe ill try and follow up on it as also i kind off have so much more confidence in myself when im dressed up in uniform.
Dj2l8 i have a silly question.How do i begin the boot camp ?When i open the link it give reports from other forum users ?So is boot camp like readint these reports?
Am naive so please excuse my ignorance.Thanks
Anyways Merry Xmas to you all and all the best for the New year.....
MrCode
Senior Don Juan
777boy,
I like you. I think you have major potential. Like many guys I too was quite shy and nervous around women, but I've slowly been making progress and I feel really good about myself these days. I'm not yet where I want to be (which is fine...we always need another level to strive for), but I'm certainly in a much better place.
I think anyone can get this part of their life handled, if they get serious about it! You really need to make a commitment and stick to it. It will be hard as hell. You will have set backs. You may get rejected really bad by a lot of women. You might get your heart broken. But in the end, you will still be alive, and not only that, more alive than you are today!!! Because there will be tons of good experiences to temper the bad, and your skills will be at a much higher level.
Let me give you a few key ideas that I hope will really help you:
Well I think that is enough for now, but I hope you really think about this list of things and make it part of your reality. Because most of the battle in getting good with women is fought on the inside, not the outside. You will not have consistent success with memorized lines or other tricks if you still feel unconfident on the inside. But once you start to feel good about yourself and get everything on the inside running smoothly, just about any "technique" will work!
I like you. I think you have major potential. Like many guys I too was quite shy and nervous around women, but I've slowly been making progress and I feel really good about myself these days. I'm not yet where I want to be (which is fine...we always need another level to strive for), but I'm certainly in a much better place.
I think anyone can get this part of their life handled, if they get serious about it! You really need to make a commitment and stick to it. It will be hard as hell. You will have set backs. You may get rejected really bad by a lot of women. You might get your heart broken. But in the end, you will still be alive, and not only that, more alive than you are today!!! Because there will be tons of good experiences to temper the bad, and your skills will be at a much higher level.
Let me give you a few key ideas that I hope will really help you:
- The less you are concerned about what other people (especially women) think about you, the more you will be liked and respected. You shyness is really just you being worried about what other people think of you. Stop it. Because if you really think about it most everyone is just too damn self-centered to really be concerned about judging you. Those that are judgemental are either jealous or lacking in self-respect, so they feel the need to bring other people down to make themselves feel better. Forget about 'em!!!
- The more indifferent you are in relation to women, the more success you will have. You really have to learn how to not care. There are millions and millions of women in this world that are attractive and cool and who you could have a lot of fun with (and maybe even a relationship.) You need to eliminate your scarcity mentality and start to see the abundance in the world. You are a freaking pilot man! You go all over the place and meet all kinds of people while guys like me sit in front of a computer all day. You have a major advantage compared to most of us!
- disciple said this earlier, but I want to repeat it: women (yes, even the super hot ones) are people too, with insecurities, dreams, problems, loves, and everything else we guys have. To a lot of people (especially women), this seems insanely obvious, but so many guys seem to have this idea that women are delicate little princesses that sh!t ice cream and have zero flaws (well at least the really hot ones), when the reality is totally different. In addition, women do not like being put on a pedestal! How would you feel if someone thought you were absolutely perfect and could do no wrong? Wouldn't you worry about disappointing them because you know the reality is different? That is how women feel when we put them on pedestals.
- Women want us as much as we want them. Beat this into your mind. Sure, they have something we want, but we also have something they want! You, my friend, are a desirable man, and all over your city, country and this world are women who would love to be with you, if only you would come find them and give them the chance! This must become your mantra, because it is true! There is a man inside of you who is dying to get out. He is just like you in every way, except he knows that he is one sexy man that all women crave. He also has the utmost respect for the most important person in his life: himself.
- This is similar to my first point but I feel it needs repeating: you should not care what women think of you. It just doesn't matter. What she thinks of you is none of your business. Why do you need this mindset? Because when you see a women you want to meet, you will stop having those nagging thoughts: "will she like me?", "what if she doesn't like me?", "a girl like that would never like a guy like me." Those thoughts are why you don't approach (and believe me you aren't alone...I'm still battling this myself.)
Well I think that is enough for now, but I hope you really think about this list of things and make it part of your reality. Because most of the battle in getting good with women is fought on the inside, not the outside. You will not have consistent success with memorized lines or other tricks if you still feel unconfident on the inside. But once you start to feel good about yourself and get everything on the inside running smoothly, just about any "technique" will work!
MrCode hi,
Thanks for your compliment and your interesting post.Was really good and you hit the nail on the head with it.
The point about worrying about what people or women think about me is like maybe one of the major reasons i am the way i am.
I worry to much and always think how the other person is judging me.Or what they think of me.
The way you put it makes sense though since people really dont have time or are to busy in their own world to have time
to start judging others.Like you say the ones who judge can just be forgotten.
In the paragraph where you said " i have to learn how not to care" Could you elaborate more ?How can i seem not to care or to give the imppression i dont care.
Do i like act unaffected when i see a girl i like instead of oogling or.....?
I have loads more i need to ask but i think if i ask too many silly questions im going to end up getting fired by someone haha
Ok heres my rundown of an episode i had...
This even i went to a Christmas Eve tea party ( sort of ).Went with a colleague and his girlfriend.No no i wasnt hanging on to them...We just went together then mingled.
Now this is the part that made me feel low.I couldnt get to smile or say hello to any new/strange chick there.First i couldnt make eye contact with anyone even though i was
trying. Only 2 girls looked at me and gave me like a cold angry look and scared me
sh**less.I felt so disappointed that i went back to my pathetic shy self again.Why ?
Could it be that the chicks could feel that i was being over enthuiastic in trying to catch their attention ? Or am i expecting to much to quick ?
Its so annoying when this happens.
Another thing im doing is i read all the posts in this thread before going out so i have all the tips and pointers in my mind...weird i know
Cheers
Thanks for your compliment and your interesting post.Was really good and you hit the nail on the head with it.
The point about worrying about what people or women think about me is like maybe one of the major reasons i am the way i am.
I worry to much and always think how the other person is judging me.Or what they think of me.
The way you put it makes sense though since people really dont have time or are to busy in their own world to have time
to start judging others.Like you say the ones who judge can just be forgotten.
In the paragraph where you said " i have to learn how not to care" Could you elaborate more ?How can i seem not to care or to give the imppression i dont care.
Do i like act unaffected when i see a girl i like instead of oogling or.....?
I have loads more i need to ask but i think if i ask too many silly questions im going to end up getting fired by someone haha
Ok heres my rundown of an episode i had...
This even i went to a Christmas Eve tea party ( sort of ).Went with a colleague and his girlfriend.No no i wasnt hanging on to them...We just went together then mingled.
Now this is the part that made me feel low.I couldnt get to smile or say hello to any new/strange chick there.First i couldnt make eye contact with anyone even though i was
trying. Only 2 girls looked at me and gave me like a cold angry look and scared me
sh**less.I felt so disappointed that i went back to my pathetic shy self again.Why ?
Could it be that the chicks could feel that i was being over enthuiastic in trying to catch their attention ? Or am i expecting to much to quick ?
Its so annoying when this happens.
Another thing im doing is i read all the posts in this thread before going out so i have all the tips and pointers in my mind...weird i know
Cheers
MrCode
Senior Don Juan
Hey 777boy,
You said:
But it is true that your indifferent attitude will show in your actions. You won't oogle women like other guys, but you will look at them and evaluate them to see if they meet your standards. You won't worry if a woman likes you and smiles at you before you talk to her, but you will walk up to have fun and make her smile and see if she is someone you like.
Looking at your example, it seems you walked around the party seeking for women who were showing you some kind of approval. You must stop doing that. Just look around for some interesting people, and join into their conversation. Find a cute girl and start talking to her. You will assume she will like you because you are a cool guy. If she doesn't like you it is her problem. Either way you don't care if she likes you or not, but it certainly would be nice if she was polite and interesting to talk to.
Here is a new perspective that I want you to really try to make your reality: how would you act if you knew, without any doubt, that the woman you were talking to wanted you badly, but you weren't quite sure if she was your type?
I can tell you: you would be relaxed, you would tease her and have fun, you would ask her qualifying questions to see if she is your type, and you wouldn't worry what she was thinking about you, because you already know she just loves you.
That is the attitude of a man who is amazing with women, and that must become who you are.
The crazy thing is this becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy: you just know this girl is going to like you, but you aren't sure about her, and so the way you treat her makes the above a reality.
If you think you are a loser, you will be a loser. But if you think, and even better, if you just know that you are a winner, you will be a winner. Our thoughts become our reality...believe it!
You said:
You see you are still thinking from the perspective of what the other person is thinking of you. It is not that you put on some front or act in some way that seems like you don't care. You must honestly, truthfully not care. It doesn't matter what they think of you.
But it is true that your indifferent attitude will show in your actions. You won't oogle women like other guys, but you will look at them and evaluate them to see if they meet your standards. You won't worry if a woman likes you and smiles at you before you talk to her, but you will walk up to have fun and make her smile and see if she is someone you like.
Looking at your example, it seems you walked around the party seeking for women who were showing you some kind of approval. You must stop doing that. Just look around for some interesting people, and join into their conversation. Find a cute girl and start talking to her. You will assume she will like you because you are a cool guy. If she doesn't like you it is her problem. Either way you don't care if she likes you or not, but it certainly would be nice if she was polite and interesting to talk to.
Here is a new perspective that I want you to really try to make your reality: how would you act if you knew, without any doubt, that the woman you were talking to wanted you badly, but you weren't quite sure if she was your type?
I can tell you: you would be relaxed, you would tease her and have fun, you would ask her qualifying questions to see if she is your type, and you wouldn't worry what she was thinking about you, because you already know she just loves you.
That is the attitude of a man who is amazing with women, and that must become who you are.
The crazy thing is this becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy: you just know this girl is going to like you, but you aren't sure about her, and so the way you treat her makes the above a reality.
If you think you are a loser, you will be a loser. But if you think, and even better, if you just know that you are a winner, you will be a winner. Our thoughts become our reality...believe it!
MrCode,
First of all you post like a true DJ !! Or at least thats what i think.
Quote :
" Because when you see a women you want to meet, you will stop having those nagging thoughts: "will she like me?", "what if she doesn't like me?",
"a girl like that would never like a guy like me." Those thoughts are why you don't approach (and believe me you aren't alone...I'm still battling this myself.)
Hey i dont believe you battle.Its not possible for someone who can post like you to STRUGGLE...Its just not POSSIBLE
Hopefully ill soon be a true DJ like you GUYS...Maybe better
By the way the girl i had one itis 4 doesnt seem to have a bf as i thought.Found out from a neighbour.It was her brother she was with.
Yest though i messed up big time...i saw her again walking in my direction and she was staring at me from way off.As USUAL as she got closer i turned away and acted oblivious to her.From the corner of my eye i could see her then look down.I felt like kicking myself 4 not smiling.
What a idiot i am.
She was with her mum so i consoled myself that maybe thats why i couldnt manage 2
smile at her.
Im getting so frustrated.
I leave the house so confident then i see a girl and fall apart again.ARGHHHHHHHHHHH
First of all you post like a true DJ !! Or at least thats what i think.
Quote :
" Because when you see a women you want to meet, you will stop having those nagging thoughts: "will she like me?", "what if she doesn't like me?",
"a girl like that would never like a guy like me." Those thoughts are why you don't approach (and believe me you aren't alone...I'm still battling this myself.)
Hey i dont believe you battle.Its not possible for someone who can post like you to STRUGGLE...Its just not POSSIBLE
Hopefully ill soon be a true DJ like you GUYS...Maybe better
By the way the girl i had one itis 4 doesnt seem to have a bf as i thought.Found out from a neighbour.It was her brother she was with.
Yest though i messed up big time...i saw her again walking in my direction and she was staring at me from way off.As USUAL as she got closer i turned away and acted oblivious to her.From the corner of my eye i could see her then look down.I felt like kicking myself 4 not smiling.
What a idiot i am.
She was with her mum so i consoled myself that maybe thats why i couldnt manage 2
smile at her.
Im getting so frustrated.
I leave the house so confident then i see a girl and fall apart again.ARGHHHHHHHHHHH
MrCode
Senior Don Juan
Thanks for the compliments, 777boy, it is nice to hear, since there was a time I was very much like you. So believe me when I say it is very possible that in 6 months or a year you will be a very different person. But you need to have patience because it may take that long (or longer) for you to make the kind of lasting changes you want to make. And it may be hard work.
But along the way you will have successes that will help keep you going.
Keep in mind that right now, all over the world, there are guys who are amazing with women, but there was a time when they told themselves "I'm never going to get this part of my life handled." But they finally picked themselves up, got out of their slump, and made the commitment to do whatever they had to do to improve. And guess what? They made it happen! So can you!
Also, don't beat yourself up or talk negatively to yourself when you think you've screwed up with a girl. Women are great, but they aren't so great that messing up with them should cause you to yell at yourself or to feel bad. Just look at your problems objectively, and speak positively to yourself: "I didn't smile or say hi to that girl because I'm still worried what she thinks of me. It is OK for me to think like this still because old habits are hard to break. But from now on I will do my best to make eye contact and say hi to strangers, so that when I see a cute girl again, I will no longer freeze up."
Also, I want you to turn on your empathy and move outside of yourself for a little bit. Put yourself in the shoes of that girl (or just about any girl you see around.) Here is what I think she is thinking as she walks toward you: "Oh look who it is, that cute guy I've seen around. I think he is a pilot, and that is so interesting. OK, I'm going to try to look at him and make eye contact and maybe he'll talk to me. I sure hope he talks to me because I would love to go out with him. Man, I haven't had sex for 7 months. I bet he is good in bed. I sure would like to find out. OK, he is getting closer...come on, please talk to me. Oh no, he looked away! He must think I'm ugly or something. Guys just never seem to like me." She then goes home and feels crappy for the rest of the day because you didn't make the small effort to say hi and maybe chat a bit.
Does the above sound far-fetched? It is probably more true than you think. At the moment your mind won't let you believe this, but there will be a time when you will believe it, and at that point you will have much more success.
You are doing a disservice to the women of the world by holding yourself back! Let them enjoy you, and you can enjoy them right back!
But along the way you will have successes that will help keep you going.
Keep in mind that right now, all over the world, there are guys who are amazing with women, but there was a time when they told themselves "I'm never going to get this part of my life handled." But they finally picked themselves up, got out of their slump, and made the commitment to do whatever they had to do to improve. And guess what? They made it happen! So can you!
Also, don't beat yourself up or talk negatively to yourself when you think you've screwed up with a girl. Women are great, but they aren't so great that messing up with them should cause you to yell at yourself or to feel bad. Just look at your problems objectively, and speak positively to yourself: "I didn't smile or say hi to that girl because I'm still worried what she thinks of me. It is OK for me to think like this still because old habits are hard to break. But from now on I will do my best to make eye contact and say hi to strangers, so that when I see a cute girl again, I will no longer freeze up."
Also, I want you to turn on your empathy and move outside of yourself for a little bit. Put yourself in the shoes of that girl (or just about any girl you see around.) Here is what I think she is thinking as she walks toward you: "Oh look who it is, that cute guy I've seen around. I think he is a pilot, and that is so interesting. OK, I'm going to try to look at him and make eye contact and maybe he'll talk to me. I sure hope he talks to me because I would love to go out with him. Man, I haven't had sex for 7 months. I bet he is good in bed. I sure would like to find out. OK, he is getting closer...come on, please talk to me. Oh no, he looked away! He must think I'm ugly or something. Guys just never seem to like me." She then goes home and feels crappy for the rest of the day because you didn't make the small effort to say hi and maybe chat a bit.
Does the above sound far-fetched? It is probably more true than you think. At the moment your mind won't let you believe this, but there will be a time when you will believe it, and at that point you will have much more success.
You are doing a disservice to the women of the world by holding yourself back! Let them enjoy you, and you can enjoy them right back!
MrCode youre MOST welcome...
Your timing is good 2.Was just checking my mail before leaving 4
a flight and saw your post.
Have made a print out and will read it on my flight.Will keep me occupied for a few hours.Digesting and thinking.
Will respond to it and give you more feedback when i return in a couple of days.
Better get dressed to IMPRESS NOW
Cheerio
Your timing is good 2.Was just checking my mail before leaving 4
a flight and saw your post.
Have made a print out and will read it on my flight.Will keep me occupied for a few hours.Digesting and thinking.
Will respond to it and give you more feedback when i return in a couple of days.
Better get dressed to IMPRESS NOW
Cheerio
Yep. Or as if we're doing something dumb or stupid. Like everyone else in the world knows whats going on, and we're just pathatically trying.
Another subconscious fear I have is that I will run into a family member or co-worker while sarging, and I'll have to explain what I'm doing.
Sigh...
No, you're 100% right. Look at eharmony, match.com, yahoo personals, etc. There are ALOT of people who dont have this area of their life handled.
AND look at how many guys settle for 400lb fat *****y monsters. Do we really think THEY had this area of their life handled? Do we REALLY think they choose those mates out of a sea of hotties? Right....
I would bet fewer than 1% of guys can approach a random women and ask for her number.
Not really. I've been searching for other methods(NLP, therapy, etc). It seems to look though, like the bootcamp may be the only way.
Jond hey,
Im actually not worried about my family watching my lame attempts at trying to appproach a chick.
They are the ones who are trying to drill it into my head to be more open and receptive to chicks rather than shying
away.So i think im lucky in this respect.
Also my co workers who are either all married or in relationships keep nagging me to get someone and
settle down.I feel like yelling to them
DONT YOU THINK IM TRYING !!
Its strangers who cause me to close up and thats so crazy since " it doesnt matter one little bit what they think of me " and yet i attach so much importance to it.
Only one thing i dont agree with you.
"There are ALOT of people who dont have this area of their life handled.
AND look at how many guys settle for 400lb fat *****y monsters.
Do we really think THEY had this area of their life handled? Do we REALLY think they choose those mates out of a sea of hotties? Right.... "
Ummmm i think they must see something in these chicks or they wouldnt be with them.Remember its not only about looks but a person as a whole.
To be frank if i see a girl im not attracted to i still cant approach her...so at least these other guys managed to approach these big ladys.Think they are better of than me.
MrCode,
You give me real confidence.I never thought about this stuff from a chicks perspective.Its so true though that maybe some chicks are feeling the way i do
and maybe are waiting for soem guy to talk to them.I always thought all girls are so confident since everyone of them is constantly being asked out
all the time by loads of guys.However thats not true is it? Some girls too are left out and dying for some attention.
I need to ask you though.You said a while back you were shy etc. What exactly was your problem and what techniques did you use personally to
improve and did that help you getting a chick ?
Sorry if this is too personal but think maybe this info could assist me.
Laters
Im actually not worried about my family watching my lame attempts at trying to appproach a chick.
They are the ones who are trying to drill it into my head to be more open and receptive to chicks rather than shying
away.So i think im lucky in this respect.
Also my co workers who are either all married or in relationships keep nagging me to get someone and
settle down.I feel like yelling to them
DONT YOU THINK IM TRYING !!
Its strangers who cause me to close up and thats so crazy since " it doesnt matter one little bit what they think of me " and yet i attach so much importance to it.
Only one thing i dont agree with you.
"There are ALOT of people who dont have this area of their life handled.
AND look at how many guys settle for 400lb fat *****y monsters.
Do we really think THEY had this area of their life handled? Do we REALLY think they choose those mates out of a sea of hotties? Right.... "
Ummmm i think they must see something in these chicks or they wouldnt be with them.Remember its not only about looks but a person as a whole.
To be frank if i see a girl im not attracted to i still cant approach her...so at least these other guys managed to approach these big ladys.Think they are better of than me.
MrCode,
You give me real confidence.I never thought about this stuff from a chicks perspective.Its so true though that maybe some chicks are feeling the way i do
and maybe are waiting for soem guy to talk to them.I always thought all girls are so confident since everyone of them is constantly being asked out
all the time by loads of guys.However thats not true is it? Some girls too are left out and dying for some attention.
I need to ask you though.You said a while back you were shy etc. What exactly was your problem and what techniques did you use personally to
improve and did that help you getting a chick ?
Sorry if this is too personal but think maybe this info could assist me.
Laters
MrCode
Senior Don Juan
I think that is a reasonable question and I don't mind answering it. I think hearing about where other guys have come from can help people who are in a similar place.
Let me tell you a little story so you get an idea of what I was like in the past: in college I had this female friend of a friend who introduced me to one of her friends at a party. This friend of her's was cute and certainly doable. Her personality may not have been ideal but whatever, I could have had some fun. But I was so nervous about the whole thing that I got sick. I think my nervousness was because I was afraid of my sexuality, among other things. I got so physically sick that I had to sit down at the party like some lame loser. I was weak, sick to the stomach and all kinds of crap. All because of a girl! While I was sitting down, "recovering", some other guy started macking on this chic I was introduced to, and I was actually glad because that took the pressure off me. Later on someone spilled something on the carpet right in front of this chic and the guy she was hooking up with (who were practically cuddling on a couch), and I just went over there and was cleaning up the spill while the guy gave me a hard time about it. Keep in mind this wasn't even my apartment, but I was just Mr. Nice Guy and proud of it, so I sort of yelled at the guy about how I was polite or some such crap. Now helping out a friend by cleaning up a spill at a party isn't that big of a deal, but my whole mind set was just so weak and wussy that it made it bad.
That is one example. But you can figure that if I was that nervous about being fixed up with someone, there was just no chance in hell I was going to pick up a girl off the street or at a bar.
There are also countless examples of girls in my past who showed obvious interest, but I either did not notice it (except in retrospect), or I was too nervous to do anything about it.
I think a big part of my problem was being insecure about various aspects of myself, and also being a perfectionist and expecting myself to be "perfect" before I could get the kind of girl I wanted. I was also very picky about the girls I was interested in, since they needed to be practically perfect too. I'm still pretty picky actually, but a lot more open to just having fun with less than perfect girls. Over the years I've become much more comfortable with myself and have also addressed a lot of the things I was insecure about (like getting braces to straighten my teeth.) I've also just become more comfortable being me, and I freely speak my mind without being concerned what others think. The irony is that this attitude increases respect from other people instead of decreasing it like I thought it would.
Now when I get introduced to a girl I'm cool, comfortable, and usually charm her very much in a short period of time.
Keep in mind that a huge part of my current success is because of changes I've made inside, not because of some fancy new "technique" I've learned. If you have the right mindset, just about any technique can work.
One thing that has helped me a lot is the "Double Your Dating" series from David DeAngelo. Just search for it on this forum or on Google and you will find information about it. A lot of guys on this forum think it is a waste of money because much of the same information is here, but I think DYD presents the information in a better way that is easier to process. Also Weapons of Mass Seduction from Senor Fingers on this site is very good.
As I said in previous posts I'm still working on getting better at approaching women, but I'm confident I'll get this handled as well.
Also while I have a couple girls in the early stages of dating, I don't have a serious girlfriend right now, so you aren't alone. But I'm cool with that and I know when I meet the right girl I'll be able to have her.
But if I had to sum up how to get this part of your life handled, it could be this: believe in yourself, have confidence, and practice, practice, practice! Nothing worth doing in life is easy!
Hey,
Just had a weird experience this evening.
The chick i had one itis for ( still have ) crossed me again and this time she didnt look at me.
I wanted to go up to her and i actually was half way there and then like a billion other residents filtered out
of their houses so i just pretended to go about with my own things.
She then got in her car which her dad was driving and as they passed me her dad was nearer me with her on
the far side.
This time i decided id not break eye contact if she looked which she did and i gave her a smile or
i hope it looked like one.
She stared at me as usual and as i smiled she looked kind of confused and pouted her
mouth or made a weird kind of face and just kept staring till the car drove past.
I kind of think she isnt really
interested and was just being inquisitve by staring.
Am i wasting time with her or.......? Is she playing hard to get ?
Or am i just thinking too much ???
Just had a weird experience this evening.
The chick i had one itis for ( still have ) crossed me again and this time she didnt look at me.
I wanted to go up to her and i actually was half way there and then like a billion other residents filtered out
of their houses so i just pretended to go about with my own things.
She then got in her car which her dad was driving and as they passed me her dad was nearer me with her on
the far side.
This time i decided id not break eye contact if she looked which she did and i gave her a smile or
i hope it looked like one.
She stared at me as usual and as i smiled she looked kind of confused and pouted her
mouth or made a weird kind of face and just kept staring till the car drove past.
I kind of think she isnt really
interested and was just being inquisitve by staring.
Am i wasting time with her or.......? Is she playing hard to get ?
Or am i just thinking too much ???
MrCode
Senior Don Juan
You are thinking too much.
There will be a time when you are much more skilled and you can read body language better and use that as an indication of whether to approach a girl or not. This will improve your success in the long run.
But for now I think it is better to always approach a girl, and don't get too caught up in what it seems that she is thinking.
If I were to analyze what happened with this girl, her confused look may have been because you have not shown interest in her before, but now you are, which sends mixed messages. This is actually good for you, so I'd be glad.
Just next time you see her approach man. I know it is hard, but you really have to get it over with. In the meantime you should try to approach other women.
In fact, try the boot camp idea of approaching with the goal of rejection! Plan to go out on one day and get 10 rejections. You will then learn how hard it can be to get rejected that many times!
There will be a time when you are much more skilled and you can read body language better and use that as an indication of whether to approach a girl or not. This will improve your success in the long run.
But for now I think it is better to always approach a girl, and don't get too caught up in what it seems that she is thinking.
If I were to analyze what happened with this girl, her confused look may have been because you have not shown interest in her before, but now you are, which sends mixed messages. This is actually good for you, so I'd be glad.
Just next time you see her approach man. I know it is hard, but you really have to get it over with. In the meantime you should try to approach other women.
In fact, try the boot camp idea of approaching with the goal of rejection! Plan to go out on one day and get 10 rejections. You will then learn how hard it can be to get rejected that many times!
MrCode hello,
Cheers for your informative replies as usual !
Shucks you scare me a little since i feel nearly the same bloody problems as you did.
You know if it was one problem it would be easy.However i feel i have so many -ve factors that it seems like
an uphill task seriously.
Another one of them is i feel so inferior that even if i see a bu** ugly girl i think she wont even look at me.
In my mind i know no guy has probably asked her out and shed be willing to go out with anyone but me.Ayayayaya
Im also a perfectionist at least somewhat.Id better be dont you think ? What with the job i do ( haha )
However in respect of girls i really dont want to be able to get like loads and loads of girls but just one good one and she doesnt have to be drop dead gorgeous but just a well rounded girl.
I know you have to have the ability to pick up girls anyway to find the good one but i wish there was an easier way.
Seriously i have got so crazy about this one itis chick of mine that im going bonkers.I really want to approach her then when i think over it i feel
what if she tells me shes not interested and then passes word around to all the girls in the neighbourhood about me trying to ask her out.
I know these are things you said shouldnt even bother me ie what she thinks or what people think but i just cant get it out of my system.Man its so bloody annoying you have no idea.I cant just be couldnt careless.Im pathetic at this.
I realise im not supposed to whine in this forum but man i feel like screaming.....
About the Boot Camp..I still dont know how to go about this.I think i want to do it but howwwwwwwwwwwwwww do i begin ?
So i am thinking to much aye ??? Gosh if only i could be spontaneous and not want to analyze everything.
I was actually hoping id have managed to somehow talk to her
before New Years eve ( yes yes i was imagining id have convinced her how cool i was by now and to have her as my date for the New Year but im a Wussy)
"If I were to analyze what happened with this girl, her confused look may have been because you have not shown interest in her before, but now you are,
which sends mixed messages. This is actually good for you, so I'd be glad. "
So in other words i should play with her mind ( wink )
One more thing... i really do appreciate you taking time to answer me time and again and help me out.No kidding i mean it.
Catch you later
Cheers for your informative replies as usual !
Shucks you scare me a little since i feel nearly the same bloody problems as you did.
You know if it was one problem it would be easy.However i feel i have so many -ve factors that it seems like
an uphill task seriously.
Another one of them is i feel so inferior that even if i see a bu** ugly girl i think she wont even look at me.
In my mind i know no guy has probably asked her out and shed be willing to go out with anyone but me.Ayayayaya
Im also a perfectionist at least somewhat.Id better be dont you think ? What with the job i do ( haha )
However in respect of girls i really dont want to be able to get like loads and loads of girls but just one good one and she doesnt have to be drop dead gorgeous but just a well rounded girl.
I know you have to have the ability to pick up girls anyway to find the good one but i wish there was an easier way.
Seriously i have got so crazy about this one itis chick of mine that im going bonkers.I really want to approach her then when i think over it i feel
what if she tells me shes not interested and then passes word around to all the girls in the neighbourhood about me trying to ask her out.
I know these are things you said shouldnt even bother me ie what she thinks or what people think but i just cant get it out of my system.Man its so bloody annoying you have no idea.I cant just be couldnt careless.Im pathetic at this.
I realise im not supposed to whine in this forum but man i feel like screaming.....
About the Boot Camp..I still dont know how to go about this.I think i want to do it but howwwwwwwwwwwwwww do i begin ?
So i am thinking to much aye ??? Gosh if only i could be spontaneous and not want to analyze everything.
I was actually hoping id have managed to somehow talk to her
before New Years eve ( yes yes i was imagining id have convinced her how cool i was by now and to have her as my date for the New Year but im a Wussy)
"If I were to analyze what happened with this girl, her confused look may have been because you have not shown interest in her before, but now you are,
which sends mixed messages. This is actually good for you, so I'd be glad. "
So in other words i should play with her mind ( wink )
One more thing... i really do appreciate you taking time to answer me time and again and help me out.No kidding i mean it.
Catch you later
