The issue of "The One"
The "update" I had promised to post happened so long ago that it barely seems like an update anymore, but I will still write of it, and also give an update to that update *grin*.
First, I need to qualify for you what this girl means to me and the role she seems to have played so far in my life. This subject of "her role in my life" is a HUGE one and of GREAT interest and I will address it again at the end of the post as well as right now.
She's really special to me. I had major one-itis, for sure, and it was actually justified. (Plenty of cases of one-itis are NOT as justified, meaning they arise primarily because you do not have enough going on in your life and/or are desperate to get it on with the only love interest that is currently paying any attention to you.) On these grounds, I can now reveal the conclusion:
We are not together...not even really talking...but I believe it is a good thing, and while we really may end up together one day, I sincerely believe our ways will part for at least several years, and that is good.
So, to rewind the tape to that "amusing update"...!
She went on a trip overseas and upon returning was so excited to see me that she wanted to do stuff all the time. I was a little surprised by this but indulged her a little and figured I'd try her out to see where she was on the whole romance thing.
So I asked her once when we were out to lunch how her love life was doing, and she said nonexistent. She asked me about mine, and as I did have some rather complicated girl drama issues I told her about some of it.
A little background here: we had never talked about relationships. Maybe it was always that way and maybe it contributed to the LJBFing in the first place, but that was just the way it was.
So now here she was dying to know and prodding me about details, almost apprehensively so. She wanted to know if I was seeing anyone, the sexual intimacy details involved with them, etc. There had been none of this in the past.
So...interesting. I dropped her off and we arranged to meet later in the evening.
Much later we walk to this park and she's hanging on to me like a drunk girl who can't walk straight (though she's sober) and is telling me how much she had missed me and so on. I am getting so many vibes that I decide the night is a good night to close the deal.
On our way back we start talking about learning from past experiences, and the conversation happens like this:
Me: It's awesome being able to look back on situations that used to intimidate you but realizing that they don't anymore.
Her: Like what?
Well like simply talking to girls for example...I used to be so intimidated but now it's so obvious that it's not really a big deal.
I see...Good job!
But it's funny...I can't reconcile why I was able to get over that so easily, but
*I circle around in front of her and put my arms on her waist*
when I do this, I still feel scared shìtless. Why is that?
*Clearly nervous now* I don't know, why is that?
Hehe, I was hoping YOU would answer that!
Well I feel it too--this uncomfortable feeling (not a good sign)
I think we need to resolve it once and for all
I agree. How do you think we could do that?
From there, I gave her the look, and then moved in to kiss...and this is where you are welcome to flame away for my approach above...because she pushed me away.
!!!
I really thought she was telling me all day and night that she wanted me, with her language and gestures and posture and all that, but I was utterly wrong. I even asked her why she was scared, and she said that it was possible she was scared, but more likely that she just didn't want to.
This was "amusing" to me because I would have never in our past have been able to do this, and now that I was able...it ended up this way.
We are leaving the distant past now...
---
To date, our contact has fallen off. I know that you all (or anyone that is interested in this thread) wished very much that my sequel would be a "positive" one, something that will give you hope. A story to validate the LJBF to LFRN transition and show that it is possible.
I don't have a story that enacts it like you want to see it...but what I have to say subsequently is extremely positive.
You see, I was very right and very wrong when I said long ago that I needed to end our relationship and we were incompatible. I was right that our relationship needed to end, but compatibility was always there, and I always knew it, no matter how much I tried to deny it.
The point is, I have only recently really, truly, confronted the actual issue at hand, which is this: WHY did I like her so much? Why do I feel she is without flaw, even though I know logically that she OF COURSE CANNOT BE PERFECT? Passing her off as "not significant" is DENIAL. I know that the DJs here will tell you again and again that she's "just another fish in the sea."
It is true, but there is SOMETHING, or many things, about her that is very special, and I say you should not overlook that. It will always come back to haunt you until you face it. Embrace it. Use that intuition to discover WHY you like her the way you do. WHAT is it about her that turns you into a simpering AFC no matter how suave you are with the other girls?
Do you not realize that because she drives you nuts from wanting to be with her, that she is compelling you to improve yourself? To know yourself better, to become more confident, to rid yourself of those flaws that you feel she exposes every time you come anywhere near her?
I believe that her role in your life is to make you a better man. Were it not for her, you would be an ignorant fool still bumbling around in darkness. Her presence is capable of lifting you up higher than you could ever have imagined. And thus her presence is a double-edged sword. You cannot have her, you will not have her, at least not at this stage in your life (we are probably talking about anytime within the next five years, if at all), because if you DID then you would not be compelled to improve.
Therefore.
Let her disappear.
You cannot succeed until you do.
cynetix
