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She is Chinese just out of 3 year relationship. Is into me but...

dman

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First time poster here. Here are the cliff notes of my situation. Looking for advice on how to play this.

I met her while she was on vacation. She is from mainland China, was in an unhappy relationship for 3 years. Was supposed to marry and have kids (society pressure), but that plus the fact she wasn't getting her emotional or sexual needs met at home, caused her to want to end their relationship. She had been wanting to leave for several months but lacked the courage. Then she met me.

We eventually slept together and spent a week together while she was on holiday. We really hit it off in all ways. The sex is incredible btw. :)

That was 6 months ago.

2 months ago she finally broke up with her Chinese boyfriend and moved out on her own.

Every month since we met, we have found a way to see each other for 5 - 7 days. I visit her and she would sneak to see me, or she would come back to visit me, or recently we just went on a 2 week holiday together, which was the most amazing trip we have both ever had. She was perfect, attentive, everything a man could want. She always acts like my GF when we are together.

Side note, she does have trust issues due to past relationships, and some intimacy issues as well.

That said, she says flat out she doesn't want a relationship now, and that I need to give her time. She says she wants to have fun and who knows the future, but she is not even thinking about a boyfriend. HOWEVER, she said she does not want me to be with other women and gets insanely jealous if she thinks I am even looking at one.

I'm crazy about her. She knows it. I've expressed my feelings. For the first time in my life, I'm all in should she want it.

So, we have crazy monkey sex once a month and have a lot of fun together. But, of course I would like to turn this into a real relationship. No problem relocating.

How do I play this?

It's been 2 months, going on 3 since her break up. I'm supposed to see her again next week, then again on New Years, where we stay together the entire time.

Do I just keep waiting and waiting, giving her unlimited time with the hope she comes around, or at some time do I have to draw the line, or do I pull away and make her notice when she is missing? Not sure if I can, or if I should, try to move this along, or just wait it out.

I haven't been in this position before and I'm all in with her, so I'm at a loss as how to play this out.

Thanks in advance guys.
 

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Tictac

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she says flat out she doesn't want a relationship now, and that I need to give her time. She says she wants to have fun and who knows the future, but she is not even thinking about a boyfriend. HOWEVER, she said she does not want me to be with other women and gets insanely jealous if she thinks I am even looking at one.
So she can do whatever she wants but you can't look at another woman.

You are out of your mind if you agree to anything like this.
 

dman

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So she can do whatever she wants but you can't look at another woman.

You are out of your mind if you agree to anything like this.
I already told her if she starts dating other guys that I'm out. She isn't looking for anyone else, so she says. She just doesn't want to commit at this time, and doesn't want me to be with another, I'm guessing out of fear of losing me. She works 12 hours a day, so she really doesn't much have free time anyway to chase other dudes, and when she is home, she is chatting with me much of the time.

I told her once that I was going to let her go if she didn't see me as possible future BF material, and she fell apart, begged me not to leave her. However, still wouldn't commit. Said to give her time.

That said, I don't want want to be an "option" or put in her back pocket for an indefinite amount of time. Every part of the relationship is there, except the commitment.

Having never been in THIS situation, I don't know when the right time would be to try to close the deal or draw the line, or if that is the route to take.
 

dustmuffin

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So she can do whatever she wants but you can't look at another woman.

You are out of your mind if you agree to anything like this.
This is typical woman logic....you can't do it but I can....you might take a gander at another woman next time you are with her. When she gets jealous say why are you upset? We are not exclusive....that will get her hampster running...pull away make her chase...either that or just enjoy it for what it is. You shouldn't have expressed your feelings. It is the job of the woman to advance the relationship. Don't treat it as exclusive if she isn't willing to commit to it.
 

dman

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This is typical woman logic....You shouldn't have expressed your feelings. It is the job of the woman to advance the relationship.
That's the rub, she is from mainland China, they don't generally advance the relationship there. The man has to make the move and let her know they are interested. In Asia, the man almost always has to lead every aspect of what is happening.

The Chinese (mainland Chinese), often take a more practical look at relationships. Parents are often involved, making sure the guy comes from a good family, and so on. It's totally different than western dating.

My Chinese friend suggested that because I'm a foreigner, that fact alone could cause the hesitation. She needs time to sort out her feelings to see if she is going to be strong enough to tell her family, friends, co-workers, that she is going to be with a foreigner. For many Chinese families, this is a huge deal. And many of them date to marry, and not date to simply date.

In regards to looking at other women... yea, did that a few times. She goes crazy. Turns into a huge ordeal. But doesn't advance anything.
 
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dustmuffin

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Well guess it is up to you. Not familiar with those dynamics. You could go ghost for a short while if you think it will help. If not guess you will have to wait. You are getting sex and entertainment. So its not all bad. I would try to divest myself emotionally in case she dumps you. It will be easier on you. Plus if you see signs of an impending dumping eject asap. Better to dump than to be on otherside...good luck
 

ubercat

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I dated a Chinese girl for 2 and a half years. She wasn't my first. They are normally very marriage oriented. For her to be saying that she doesn't want a relationship smells. I definitely wouldn't put all your time and energy on this one. Enjoy it while it lasts but chase other girls. I agree they are very pragmatic. They are also very territorial about their man so what the other guys are saying about generating a little bit of jealousy is probably good. But as you have experienced expect insanity and s*** storms. My girlfriend once accused me of grabbing another girls finger at badminton.

Seriously that was exactly what she said. Geez if I was going to grab another girl I could think of more interesting bits. Me being retarded I of course tried to rationally argue her out of it and I bet you know how well that went. Now a days I would have just shrugged and taken the compliment.

But honestly if she is getting jealous I think you're doing fine. Your biggest problem will be probably her trying to get cash out of you in 100 cute but sneaky ways.

I wouldn't be trying to advance anything keep pounding the s*** out of her and wait till she brings it up. I was talking to my girlfriend and 1 of her friends one day and her friend just straight up asks me when are we getting married. Obviously put up to it. So when it's on her mind you ll definitely get told one way or another.
 
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dman

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Well guess it is up to you. Not familiar with those dynamics. You could go ghost for a short while if you think it will help. If not guess you will have to wait. You are getting sex and entertainment. So its not all bad. I would try to divest myself emotionally in case she dumps you. It will be easier on you. Plus if you see signs of an impending dumping eject asap. Better to dump than to be on otherside...good luck
Solid advice.

I'm about to see her next week for 5 days and we have our New Years plans already set and paid for. Wonder if going ghost between this visit and New Years is believable, as she knows we already have plans. Thoughts?
 

dman

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There are 1 billion Chinese women. She's is not so special.
Yea, I know.

I'm 38 years old, been there, done that, all over the world. But this is the first one I've ever been ready to go all in for. She does it for me in every way. Wish that were not the case, but it is.
 
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ubercat

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And what exactly is the situation. You said she was on vacation. Are you guys in the same place permanently or I'd this all holiday romance?
 

dman

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I dated a Chinese girl for 2 and a half years. She wasn't my first. They are normally very marriage oriented. For her to be saying that she doesn't want a relationship smells. I definitely wouldn't put all your time and energy on this one. Enjoy it while it lasts but chase other girls. I agree they are very pragmatic. They are also very territorial about their man so what the other guys are saying about generating a little bit of jealousy is probably good. But as you have experienced expect insanity and s*** storms. My girlfriend once accused me of grabbing another girls finger at badminton.

Seriously that was exactly what she said. Geez if I was going to grab another girl I could think of more interesting bits. Me being retarded I of course tried to rationally argue her out of it and I bet you know how well that went. Now a days I would have just shrugged and taken the compliment.

But honestly if she is getting jealous I think you're doing fine. Your biggest problem will be probably her trying to get cash out of you in 100 cute but sneaky ways.

I wouldn't be trying to advance anything keep pounding the s*** out of her and wait till she brings it up. I was talking to my girlfriend and 1 of her friends one day and her friend just straight up asks me when are we getting married. Obviously put up to it. So when it's on her mind you ll definitely get told one way or another.
So you understand. Good advice by the way.

And YES, I totally believe you about the finger!!! They are insanely jealous. Never seen anything like it. She caught me looking at a woman once who I only looked at because she fell down. Sh*t storm!

She doesn't ask for money. Just the opposite, she's fairly well off with an amazing job. Very well educated. I don't think she'll ever hit me up for cash. But, time will tell. lol

I guess so long as she DOES get jealous, I'm not so bad off. When she no longer does, then it's probably over.

Did you ever have to pull away from any of your Chinese girls to bring them around?

First time in this situation AND dating a mainland Chinese girl. So I'm getting hit with unknowns from all sides.
 

dman

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And what exactly is the situation. You said she was on vacation. Are you guys in the same place permanently or I'd this all holiday romance?
We are both in Asia, and by luck I travel to China (her city!) almost every month. When I don't she, comes to see me anytime she has a holiday from work longer than 2 days. This has been going on for 6 months now, with the last 2 months, her living alone. So, she puts in effort, just keeps asking for time.

She was on holiday in my city, taking a break from her BF and trying to find the nerve to leave him. We met by accident. At first, it was a holiday fling, and I thought that would be it, but we see each other every month now and make plans to be together for her future holidays.
 

dustmuffin

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Solid advice.

I'm about to see her next week for 5 days and we have our New Years plans already set and paid for. Wonder if going ghost between this visit and New Years is believable, as she knows we already have plans. Thoughts?
Try going ghost and see what she does. Maybe a soft ghost. Her interest level seems to be good. Its just the cultural issues she is working out. You said the man leads the relationship. Have you asked to meet her parents? Do you think giving her a time limit would do anygood?
 

ubercat

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I m not that great at frame games so I will let the other guys advise you on that

Hmm dated 2 of them so obviously no expert. But here's a few tips for when you are with her. I'm echoing Scaramouche s excellent advice.

The overall strategy is to seem like a better Chinese guy ie nicer bigger more cosmopolitan but not like a dumb slow gwai loh.

Be careful never to ridicule her. Negs have to be very playful with a Chinese girl and because of the language barrier make it obvious physically that it is playful. Give her a hug and then gently push her away, pick her up and give her a spin rubbing noses with her any Goofy thing you like to do. DON'T trust the words to b enough.

And trust me there is a language barrier even if her English seems perfect. Everything in Chinese Society works on connections discount and commission. So when you are out with her make sure she sees you being a really social guy.

In the better part of Chinese Society the bargaining is still there but handled to save face. So do bargain but say things like it's a little bit expensive can you make it a little bit cheaper can you give a little bit of discount. So you will come across as polite but tough and savvy.

Be very clean and wear a variety of colognes. They are very sensitive to body odor. Be well presented all the time don't think you can have a grunge day. Doesn't need to be OTT just washed, bit of product in the hair ironed shirt ( get her to iron them).

Weirdly it doesn't seem to apply in the bedroom. Both my Chinese girlfriends liked lying there with their noses nestled into my armpit. It's bizarre once they are into you they seem to bond at almost a DNA level.

Use your size and physical dominance. Take a walk somewhere maybe in the park and just throw her over your shoulder to get past the muddy bits. Guaranteed instant moisty. In the bedroom do the koala..

I've never met a Chinese person who wasn't crazy about food they all know about it. Find a couple of authentic Chinese restaurants and work out their best dishes and just casually mention that I want to go to Mr Wongs or whatever because the hand cut noodles are good. Chinese always go with the crowd too so if you're talking about a place being good say it is very popular. Say you want some vegetable and take her to a fake meat restaurant.

I'm sure you know this but it's probably worth saying on this thread just for other guys you want to come across as sympathetic to their culture but not try hard and yellow feverish.

Depends how hard you want to work but it's easy enough to pick up a few idiomatic phrases. E.g. pai ma pi means pat horses bum. It's their term for somebody being a kiss up. Do it with the hand motion she ll crack up. Giu ro punyo means eat drink friends it's their term for fair weather friends. Of course you should be able to say hello goodbye please and thank you.

Chinese girls are all good cooks make her cook for you but go shopping for the ingredient together and make sure she knows you repaying and do. That will set up the family frame and all Chinese girls think of a boyfriend as the beginning of a family believe me.

Damnit now I need a cold shower you're making my yellow fever act up ;-).
 
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dman

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I m not that great at frame games so I will let the other guys advise you on that

Hmm dated 2 of them so obviously no expert. But here's a few tips for when you are with her. I'm echoing Scaramouche s excellent advice.

The overall strategy is to seem like a better Chinese guy ie nicer bigger more cosmopolitan but not like a dumb slow gwai loh.

Be careful never to ridicule her. Negs have to be very playful with a Chinese girl and because of the language barrier make it obvious physically that it is playful. Give her a hug and then gently push her away, pick her up and give her a spin rubbing noses with her any Goofy thing ou like to do. DON'T trust the words to b enough.

And trust me there is a language barrier even if your English seems perfect. Everything in Chinese Society works on connections discount and commission. So when you are out with her make sure she sees you being a really social guy.

In the better part of Chinese Society the bargaining is still there but handled to save face. So Du bargains but say things like it's a little bit expensive can you make it a little bit cheaper can you give a little bit of discount. So you will come across as polite but tough and savvy.

Be very clean and wear a variety of colognes. They are very sensitive to body odor. Be well presented all the time don't think you can have a grunge day. Doesn't need to be OTT just washed, bit of product in the hair ironed shirt ( get her to iron them).

Use your size and physical dominance. Take a walk somewhere maybe in the park and just throw her over your shoulder to get past the muddy bits. Guaranteed instant moisty. In the bedroom do the koala..

I've never met a Chinese person who wasn't crazy about food they all know about it. Find a couple of authentic Chinese restaurants and watch their best dishes and just casually mention that I want to go to Mr Wongs or whatever because the hand cuts noodles are good. Chinese always go with the crowd too so if you're talking about a place being good say it is very popular. So you want some vegetable and take herto a fake meat restaurant.

Chinese girls are all good cooks make her cook for you. Damnit now I need a cold shower you're making my yellow fever act up ;-)
Amazing post, thank you. This is my first mainland girl, so I'm really swinging in the dark. This helps a lot, thanks again!

You are right about the food, she is a fanatic. Everywhere we go, it's always about eating. Food, food, food! I don't know where these tiny girls put it all.
 

dman

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Try going ghost and see what she does. Maybe a soft ghost. Her interest level seems to be good. Its just the cultural issues she is working out. You said the man leads the relationship. Have you asked to meet her parents? Do you think giving her a time limit would do anygood?
She is actually at home visiting her parents as I type. We talked about her planting the seed that she met a nice American guy at the gym, or something along those lines, but don't talk to much about it, just that she has a new friend. She wants to do some extended traveling with me and was trying to think how to explain me to mom and dad, so I suggested dropping a few seeds here and there, so when the time comes, it's not a total shock to them.

I could be wrong, but the day I'm asked to meet her parents, that is more or less the step to marriage.
 

ubercat

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Re-read my post added stuff. Geez sounds like your only problem soon enough it's going to be where to go for the honeymoon. Just be bloody careful when you meet the parents stay off any controversy deal topics watch and listen a lot and be very reserved just like any Chinese boy would be. Don't try and show off your knowledge of China or their culture. It's very much a job interview your first task is to make sure you don't get screened out. Just smile a lot cover up and box clever.

And since I just spent an hour of my weekend helping you out see if you can find the like button.

And don't be too nervous Chinese girls are really very good value. As long as you're being a solid man in the relationship and she's getting plenty of that big white dvck you will be fine.

Good luck man :)
 

ubercat

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Aww yeah and since you've obviously got a girlfriend start learning badminton if you don't know it. They lovw it and as long as your doing it in the expat community which is the only place you should be doing it then you'll have mixed race couples all around you for a nice bit of reinforcement. That will keep your tiny little piranha trim and socialised
 

dman

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Re-read my post added stuff. Geez sounds like your only problem soon enough it's going to be where to go for the honeymoon. Just be bloody careful when you meet the parents stay off any controversy deal topics watch and listen a lot and be very reserved just like any Chinese boy would be. Don't try and show off your knowledge of China or their culture. It's very much a job interview your first task is to make sure you don't get screened out. Just smile a lot cover up and box clever.

And since I just spent an hour of my weekend helping you out see if you can find the like button.

And don't be too nervous Chinese girls are really very good value. As long as you're being a solid man in the relationship and she's getting plenty of that big white dvck you will be fine.

Good luck man :)
LIKE button found and pressed. Thank you, all great posts.

I'm not seeing the parents yet! Just telling the other gent that if that happens, then it's really serious. The topic of me meeting mom and dad has never come up. She's just starting to plant a few seeds with them in case we travel together. Or... maybe that's her way of prepping them to meet me? Who knows!?!?!

She has money but I pay for everything when we are together. I buy her plane tickets when she comes to visit me, and so on. Anything I can do to show I can be a provider, as I know Asian women size up their man for that early on.

Oddly, everything is there except her saying she wants a BF. She just says give me time, give me time. So perhaps I do that but play a little harder to get in the process.

Sex wise, I've turned her loose. She had only had a couple of partners (all Chinese guys and fairly boring it seems) before me and I opened Pandora's Box I'm afraid. She was a starfish at first but once she got to know me and trusted me, man.... total hell cat who wants to try everything she has ever seen in a sex movie. So there is a lot of teaching and learning going on when we're together, she's always wanting to try new things.
 
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