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guru1000

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Hank, you felt a change in her normal behavior, yes? Unconsciously you recognized this, which created resentment in you which you attributed to a red herring. And then you acted upon that resentment and got gaslighted into the bad guy.

Look at the deeper nuances as to what exactly created the initial resentment. Are you feeling a change in how she would normally respond to you and is this the crux of the matter?
 

sazc

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Not to mention, I think guru advocating silence and distance is mainly for simple dating, not for well-grounded relationships

Silence in distance in relationship is emotional blackmail
 

Focal core

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Yup.....

OP he needs to work on his communication skills this type of behavior is not going to work in a long-term relationship, talk about reasons why married couples get divorced.
Xactly
 
A

AJ84

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But to be fair Hank is accepting the posts and hopefully taking what he feels is helpful, rather than insulting everyone who he disagrees with or ‘yes butting’ every comment lol.
 

guru1000

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Not to mention, I think guru advocating silence and distance is mainly for simple dating, not for well-grounded relationships

Silence in distance in relationship is emotional blackmail
I didn't recommend S&D at all; those are your and AJ's words. He already chose that route by ignoring her last three communications because he was angry. And that's fine. He doesn't need to speak in anger and so spacing until both parties calm down is warranted.

I simply stated when she does come back around to continue as he were preceding the argument.

The issue I think you have is that you think she won't come back around as you are thinking with your own lens, which has also not served you well over the years.

The primary question here is simple: What is the true issue which incited Hank's resentment?
 

LiveYourDream

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She is human. She forgot. It happens to the best of us, on occasion. It was an accident. That was clear. She owned her mistake. She immediately apologized.

Life should have moved on. Happy times could have been had.

Instead, you chose not to let it go. Instead, you chose to assign a nasty meaning to her forgetting, one which is incredibly personally offensive, to you. You declared that she intended to be disrespectful of you. You declared it so. She did not intend to. She simply forgot. But you still made it mean more, in your mind. The question is why?

You could have let it go. Instead, you riled yourself up, so you could justify getting upset and responding with S&D. The question is why?
 
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lamath

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Hank, you felt a change in her normal behavior, yes? Unconsciously you recognized this, which created resentment in you which you attributed to a red herring. And then you acted upon that resentment and got gaslighted into the bad guy.

Look at the deeper nuances as to what exactly created the initial resentment. Are you feeling a change in how she would normally respond to you and is this the crux of the matter?
Wondering if this is not the reason of irritation, Otherwise seems like overracting to me.
 

sazc

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I didn't recommend S&D at all; those are your and AJ's words. He already chose that route by ignoring her last three communications because he was angry. And that's fine. He doesn't need to speak in anger and so spacing until both parties calm down is warranted.

I simply stated when she does come back around to continue as he were preceding the argument.

The issue I think you have is that you think she won't come back around as you are thinking with your own lens, which has also not served you well over the years.

The primary question here is simple: What is the true issue which incited Hank's resentment?
I didnt mean that you advised OP to pull silence and distance regarding this issue/in this thread. I meant in general you advocate silence and distance. You crated a whole thread about silence and distance a while back. But my take on advocating silence and distance is - do it while dating. Once you decide to get into an LTR, for gods sake, act like a mature adult and communicate.

I have no idea if she will or will not come back around, that is TBD.

Silence and distance, in general, is a form of emotional blackmail. You are attempting to passive aggressively teach someone a lesson and or shape their behavior towards you, as opposed to just communicating your wants, needs and desires, and working thru all of it.

Emotional blackmail is not healthy. There's no debate about that.
 

sazc

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@HankHill how did her 'forgetting' make you feel? The answer to that question, the feelings you had, are the reason you behaved the way you did. Then you need to understand why that/those feelings are so intense. What other significant times in your life did you feel those feelings? It is those other times, the moments in your life that gave significance and emotional significance to those feels, that is what you were really reacting about and that is why you couldn't let it go. Those moments are the things you really need to work thru.

I could really go into it, but I wont, except to say that we expect our partners to heal our childhood wounds and to validate those parts of us that were not validated as children. When they fall short of these expectations, we get resentful. Only the people who really understand that idea can rise above it all and work towards healing themselves and healing their partners heal them.

Not to mention, you said it yourself, you guys are 5 months strong. Yu are into her. You are diggin her. You actually may be self sabotaging because you have a fear of intimacy and vulnerability. That's totally normal but, again, you have to recognize it before you can conquer it.

Good luck.
 

logicallefty

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Silence in distance in relationship is emotional blackmail
Yet when a woman shows a man disrespect S&D sure works wonders doesn’t it? Oh wait never mind the question part, you wouldn’t know anything about how positively effective that is when a man does it, you’re a woman. ;)

Regarding the OP, It does sound to me like there was some overreaction here on your part. If she did everything you asked but one thing then I don’t think there was any disrespect meant by it. Now if you continue to ask her for things over longer periods of time and she forgot most or all of them, that’s what we call passive aggressive behavior. And I will dump women for that if I see a pattern of it brewing and they keep doing it once I call them out on it. But in your case OP I don’t think there was any of that going on and any disrespect meant by her forgetting one thing.
 

sazc

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Yet when a woman shows a man disrespect S&D sure works wonders doesn’t it? Oh wait never mind the question part, you wouldn’t know anything about how positively effective that is when a man does it, you’re a woman. ;)
If a woman is showing a man she is seeing active disrespect, and that man chooses to play the silence and distance game with her, that man is in her orbit and has her pvssy on a pedestal. I know that and I am a woman.

And silence and distance is emotional blackmail.
 

logicallefty

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If a woman is showing a man she is seeing active disrespect, and that man chooses to play the silence and distance game with her, that man is in her orbit and has her pvssy on a pedestal. I know that and I am a woman.
We will have to agree to disagree on that
 

guru1000

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And silence and distance is emotional blackmail.
Yes it should be criminalized. It is that effective, even in relationships, but at differing degrees.
 

SoSuave666

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If a woman is showing a man she is seeing active disrespect, and that man chooses to play the silence and distance game with her, that man is in her orbit and has her pvssy on a pedestal. I know that and I am a woman.

And silence and distance is emotional blackmail.
And yet women withholding sex, showing minor disrespects, and giving the silent treatment isn’t blackmail at all! It’s just something us stupid men need to put up with. And if it really bothers us we should overtly communicate how you are hurting our feelings! Maybe we should cry a bit too.

There’s nothing passive about silence and distance. You try and withhold sex from me? I’m out, I’m withholding my attention from you. You know what you’re doing and when I walk you have no one to blame but yourself.
 

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backseatjuan

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However, a couple of days ago she forgot something I asked her to do, I got a little upset as I'd specifically asked for that but I suppose she misunderstood my txt........admittedly, I got upset over nothing

Your situation is unique. Practically, in its core, you created a sht test for yourself and failed it, showing immaturity and feminism. Peopel don't do things just because, for no reason, there is always an underlying issue. Search for it within yourself, could be anything from emotional to chemical and hormonal.

Word of advice, texts get misinterpreted all the time, and by their virtue are not important. Texts don't have urgency to be read nor answered. No matter how much you make your point over text, importance and urgency is lost. Text 911 when you get robbed. You need to start calling people, especially if it has importance and sense of urgency. Otherwise you need to use voice messages and video messages over whatsapp.
 
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AJ84

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And yet women withholding sex, showing minor disrespects, and giving the silent treatment isn’t blackmail at all! It’s just something us stupid men need to put up with. And if it really bothers us we should overtly communicate how you are hurting our feelings! Maybe we should cry a bit too.

There’s nothing passive about silence and distance. You try and withhold sex from me? I’m out, I’m withholding my attention from you. You know what you’re doing and when I walk you have no one to blame but yourself.

No one is saying that it’s ok for women to do those things.

Being disrespected, disregarded, taken for granted, etc etc in a relationship is wrong for men AND women to do.
 

SoSuave666

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No one is saying that it’s ok for women to do those things.

Being disrespected, disregarded, taken for granted, etc etc in a relationship is wrong for men AND women to do.
My point is that women do those things with no repercussions. It's an expected occurrence in relationships. "Sh!t Tests" wouldn't be a term otherwise. Secksual frustration also wouldn't be a one sided thing. The majority of silence and distance and breakups in relationships wouldn't be so one sided. I guarantee you have done these things as well, and us men are just supposed to sit there and take it.

OP overreacted a bit in my opinion. But it's no different than a female acting like a female in a relationship. Men are allowed to fvck up too. However it's just not nearly as commonly accepted. The thing now is that OP cannot do anything about his past actions. He has no ability to go back and change what he has done. So he needs to wait for his GF to come to him. Anything overtly (like apologize, buy flowers to say sorry, over pursue to see her and "make it up") he does now will only serve to lose attraction in her.

Hit the reset button. OP was probably frustrated originally with her forgetting to do what he asked, but he wasn't willing to break up with her for it. He probably still really likes her, which is where the frustration comes from. Now, if she breaks up with him for his frustration then she never really cared all that much.

That's the thing about communication in relationships. If attraction levels are high, you can communicate all you want. Attraction levels are high (or even increasing) even if she is angry, upset, crying, yelling, etc. A man should intuitively know if she still has high attraction. Sit her down and tell her why/how she messed up or vice versa. But if attraction levels are low or lowering (which is what I gather from the female perspective in this situation) then overt communication will only continue the trend. And if any man wants to know when attraction levels are decreasing, just trust your gut. I could tell you to watch out for any number of signs, but your best indicator is your instinct.
 
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Focal core

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If a woman is showing a man she is seeing active disrespect, and that man chooses to play the silence and distance game with her, that man is in her orbit and has her pvssy on a pedestal. I know that and I am a woman.

And silence and distance is emotional blackmail.
Emotional blackmailing and triangulation is a big no no in relationship. If its there it wasn't a relationship.
 

Focal core

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S&d works with women with deep rooted issues, won't works with emotionally healthy female
 
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