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HankHill

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Alright, about 5 mos ago found myself a pretty good woman, became exclusive after a few months. She was super feminine, very submissive, yet smart, financially independent, in bed I could do whatever I want, however I want and whenever I want, lots of chemistry etc - and all that good stuff, almost too good to be true. There have been only a couple of minor issues and in each one she submitted, complied and all was good. However, a couple of days ago she forgot something I asked her to do, I got a little upset as I'd specifically asked for that but I suppose she misunderstood my txt. Anyway, admittedly, I got upset over nothing that was very important considering that she was out doing other stuff for me anyway, well I just couldn't shake being irritated, I tried! Anyway, it really got worse though when she tried to act pissy towards me because I was irritated. We went to bed, no talk, no sex, but she woke up with my alarm and made me coffee but didn't say much. For the rest of the day I did my usual silence and distance. At the end of the day she sends me a txt with the usual female drivel 'oh I see how much this relationship means to you with the silent treatment you're giving me blah blah'. I ignored. So the following day I sent her a short msg that basically said 'Getting mad at me because I'm upset with you is manipulation and that won't go too far with me'. I guess that really pissed her off and she said 'I don't know what world you live in but you don't get to tell me when I can feel upset or not. I don't want to walk on egg shells worrying when I miss something and your reaction. PERIOD!'. This is the same woman who has always told me how she admires my manliness and me taking charge in bed and in life and that she never had that in her relationships before lol. I simply replied 'Gotcha!' and complete silence. She then sent three more txts trying to say how she tried to make me feel better etc but it wasn't good enough. She didn't really, it was all lame excuses. Anyway, I don't plan to get back to her, she needs to meet more than half way at this point. I know what I want in a relationship and that is a submissive, complying chick, not one that challenges me. She needs to figure out if she's that chick or not.
@guru1000, @Amante Silvestre , @RangerMIke , @Glassguy et al - thoughts?
 
A

AJ84

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Alright, about 5 mos ago found myself a pretty good woman, became exclusive after a few months. She was super feminine, very submissive, yet smart, financially independent, in bed I could do whatever I want, however I want and whenever I want, lots of chemistry etc - and all that good stuff, almost too good to be true. There have been only a couple of minor issues and in each one she submitted, complied and all was good. However, a couple of days ago she forgot something I asked her to do, I got a little upset as I'd specifically asked for that but I suppose she misunderstood my txt. Anyway, admittedly, I got upset over nothing that was very important considering that she was out doing other stuff for me anyway, well I just couldn't shake being irritated, I tried! Anyway, it really got worse though when she tried to act pissy towards me because I was irritated. We went to bed, no talk, no sex, but she woke up with my alarm and made me coffee but didn't say much. For the rest of the day I did my usual silence and distance. At the end of the day she sends me a txt with the usual female drivel 'oh I see how much this relationship means to you with the silent treatment you're giving me blah blah'. I ignored. So the following day I sent her a short msg that basically said 'Getting mad at me because I'm upset with you is manipulation and that won't go too far with me'. I guess that really pissed her off and she said 'I don't know what world you live in but you don't get to tell me when I can feel upset or not. I don't want to walk on egg shells worrying when I miss something and your reaction. PERIOD!'. This is the same woman who has always told me how she admires my manliness and me taking charge in bed and in life and that she never had that in her relationships before lol. I simply replied 'Gotcha!' and complete silence. She then sent three more txts trying to say how she tried to make me feel better etc but it wasn't good enough. She didn't really, it was all lame excuses. Anyway, I don't plan to get back to her, she needs to meet more than half way at this point. I know what I want in a relationship and that is a submissive, complying chick, not one that challenges me. She needs to figure out if she's that chick or not.
@guru1000, @Amante Silvestre , @RangerMIke , @Glassguy et al - thoughts?
Sounds like you got angry with your housekeeper for forgetting a chore.
 

HankHill

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@AJ84, fair enough, like I said I admit it wasn't a huge deal but I couldn't shake off my irritation over it, perhaps because I specifically made a point about it so it's not missed. All that aside though, the crux of the matter is I can't stand it when women get pissy with me *because* I'm upset at them - that creates a deadlock. If I'm upset then that need to be resolved before trying to resolve why it was unreasonable for me to get upset.
EDIT: I guess I need to feel I'm not ignored or taken for granted and all that translates into being respected. IMHO when a woman doesn't respect her man it's not worth being in that relationship as it'll never work. So her behavior over this is showing that she doesn't respect me.
 
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AJ84

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@AJ84, fair enough, like I said I admit it wasn't a huge deal but I couldn't shake off my irritation over it, perhaps because I specifically made a point about it so it's not missed. All that aside though, the crux of the matter is I can't stand it when women get pissy with me *because* I'm upset at them - that creates a deadlock. If I'm upset then that need to be resolved before trying to resolve why it was unreasonable for me to get upset.
EDIT: I guess I need to feel I'm not ignored or taken for granted and all that translates into being respected. IMHO when a woman doesn't respect her man it's not worth being in that relationship as it'll never work. So her behavior over this is showing that she doesn't respect me.
Does she feel respected Hank? How would you feel if you did a bunch of stuff for a friend and he got mad because you forgot to do one thing? You would probably tell him to go f**k himself right lol.

I understand being angry at her reaction but it’s your reaction that initiated it no? She’s doing all of these nice things for you because she wants to I’m assuming. You’re not paying her right lol.

Maybe hear her out if she needs to talk about this, if you want to move past it. Honestly I would be pissed too if I were her and unlike her, I would of nexted if I was given the silent treatment for what I would see as disrespect towards me. However she’s still reaching out so it’s an opportunity to communicate.

Respect and appreciation in relationships goes both ways. Give her positive reinforcement to continue doing all of these nice things for you rather than getting mad over one thing she didn’t do :)
 

Atom Smasher

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Is she in the habit of forgetting things like this? If not, I think it's only human to forget. Are you interpreting her forgetting as her caring less about you than she used to?

The reason you couldn't shake being irritated is that you assign it some deep meaning other than forgetfulness on her part. If you discover what meaning you gave to it, you will have your solution.

It sounds like you were a little harsh from how you describe it. Maybe re-evaluate. Was it simple forgetfulness as a one time thing? If so, you really need to let it go.
 

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HankHill

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@AJ84, I usually agree with you but I'm having a tough time seeing this your way. In my opinion a feminine woman only needs to feel safe (as in trust), protected, and well f*kked in a relationship...and the man needs to feel respected, appreciated and well f*kked. So she absolutely gets everything from me and it's why she wants to do those things for me. However, my irritation was more from her having the attitude that I had no right to be upset because she did x, y,z . That would be like saying I go to church so I'm allowed to sin and it's no big deal. A bit out there but just trying to make a point that if I'm upset she ignored that part and threw it all back at me.

@Atom Smasher, you could be right there being on SS has certainly affected my thinking in that every little thing has to have some bigger meaning lol However, I still feel that this episode is one of many to come in the future if she doesn't respect me and me reaching out and 'talking it over' will further cement that outcome. I feel I need to stick to my guns even if that means it's the end of the relationship. A man should not bend or the woman will have no respect for him.
 

guru1000

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Remember these words as they have never failed me over the years: In social situations, when in doubt, do nothing.

She'll come back around. When she does, continue as you were. Words have already been spoken, and you both understand each other clearly.
 
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AJ84

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@AJ84, I usually agree with you but I'm having a tough time seeing this your way. In my opinion a feminine woman only needs to feel safe (as in trust), protected, and well f*kked in a relationship...and the man needs to feel respected, appreciated and well f*kked. So she absolutely gets everything from me and it's why she wants to do those things for me. However, my irritation was more from her having the attitude that I had no right to be upset because she did x, y,z . That would be like saying I go to church so I'm allowed to sin and it's no big deal. A bit out there but just trying to make a point that if I'm upset she ignored that part and threw it all back at me.

@Atom Smasher, you could be right there being on SS has certainly affected my thinking in that every little thing has to have some bigger meaning lol However, I still feel that this episode is one of many to come in the future if she doesn't respect me and me reaching out and 'talking it over' will further cement that outcome. I feel I need to stick to my guns even if that means it's the end of the relationship. A man should not bend or the woman will have no respect for him.
No. women appreciate respect. The problem is some guys see this as being submissive towards her, or as weak. Simply showing appreciation for someone doing things for you is a sign of respect. That’s not weak. No one likes their efforts to be taken for granted.

Also keep in mind that doing something for someone because you want to is very different than doing something for someone because they expect you to. If someone expects you to do stuff how motivated are you to do it?

I see two sets of values clashing here, each invalidating the other. You got mad because you saw her reaction as a sign of disrespect based on what you expect from her as you indicated in your first post.

She got mad because you didn’t appreciate what she does for you and you invalidated her feelings by cutting her off to focus on your feelings. You admitted here that perhaps you over reacted, but it seems like you don’t want to admit that to her, the girl who otherwise has been doing all of this nice stuff for you and giving you sex whenever you want it etc.

If she starts to feel like it’s all about serving you, eventually, everything will seem like a chore to her, including sex. Nothing dries a woman up faster than having to provide sex to some guy who feels entitled to it and doesn’t appreciate nor respect her.

I’m not saying you have to grovel at her feet or anything but you may want to meet her halfway and own up to your part in this conflict.
 
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AJ84

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Remember these words as they have never failed me over the years: In social situations, when in doubt, do nothing.

She'll come back around. When she does, continue as you were. Words have already been spoken, and you both understand each other clearly.
Maybe she will come back around but she won’t forget it. Women file stuff like this away lol. The more it’s not discussed and continues to happen the bigger that file gets, then we get stories like “everything was going so well then she dumped me out of nowhere”.
This is why for relationships, I don’t endorse silence when there are issues from either side. Rather have a heated discussion, over festering wounds that boil over because of a lack of communication, imo.
 

guru1000

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Maybe she will come back around but she won’t forget it. Women file stuff like this away lol. The more it’s not discussed and continues to happen the bigger that file gets, then we get stories like “everything was going so well then she dumped me out of nowhere”.
This is why for relationships, I don’t endorse silence when there are issues from either side. Rather have a heated discussion, over festering wounds that boil over because of a lack of communication, imo.
I disagree to the extent there is a greater issue at stake here, her attraction level. Guys that "get dumped out of nowhere" are from women who have lost attraction for them.

Attraction is counterintuitive and thrives in uncertainty.

Everything you state is intuitive and certain.

Will it create challenge and discomfort? Yes. But it will serve attraction. As long as she and HankHill understand each other going forward as words have already been spoken, no reason to revisit it as the disrespect on both ends won't be repeated.
 

HankHill

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I guess I need to add too that when I first asked if she did xyz she said 'oh I'm sorry babe, I didn't think you asked me to do that but now that you mention it you did specifically asked for it. I'm sorry, don't get mad.' so I hugged her and told her 'it's ok, you've been busy with all the other stuff so thank you for doing that'. So I did appreciate what she did and did want to get past it.

However I just kind of went quiet because it was still bothering me, I tried and tried and couldn't shake it off. That's when I expected her to ask 'how can I make it up to you', we have this joke where I told her in the past guys are easy if I'm ever mad just give me a bj and I'll be good again. She brings it up all the time 'are you mad, do you want me to give you a bj'? when she thinks I'm mad but I've only taken her up on that once before. Anyway, so I was expecting that she would at least try to make light of it by saying that or sitting close or something that shows that she cares.

You admitted here that perhaps you over reacted, but it seems like you don’t want to admit that to her, the girl who otherwise has been doing all of this nice stuff for you and giving you sex whenever you want it etc.
Yep, I do think I overreacted but 'giving me sex' rubs me wrong, as a very feminist thing. She also receives mind blowing sex from me so it's a give and take. Not something I should be 'rewarded' with.

I’m not saying you have to grovel at her feet or anything but you may want to meet her halfway and own up to your part in this conflict.
How do you suggest I do this?
 

sazc

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@AJ84, fair enough, like I said I admit it wasn't a huge deal but I couldn't shake off my irritation over it, perhaps because I specifically made a point about it so it's not missed. All that aside though, the crux of the matter is I can't stand it when women get pissy with me *because* I'm upset at them - that creates a deadlock. If I'm upset then that need to be resolved before trying to resolve why it was unreasonable for me to get upset.
EDIT: I guess I need to feel I'm not ignored or taken for granted and all that translates into being respected. IMHO when a woman doesn't respect her man it's not worth being in that relationship as it'll never work. So her behavior over this is showing that she doesn't respect me.
Ummmmmm try not being a d1ck and giving her the silent treatment because you're mad at her. Hey, maybe try something new, it's called communication!

mature communication is that step one is figuring out what you're mad about step to is figuring out why you're mad about it and step three is deciding whether or not you're justified in being mad. Then you calmly talk, explain yourself, and work it out

it sounds like she's all around pretty good to you and since she forgot one simple thing you decided to drag it out and turn it into a fight, that's absolutely ridiculous.

then when she didn't lick your booty like you thought she would you decided to go full on silence and distance. Again ridiculous

I've said it before and I'll say it again, the women who have self-esteem are not going to put up with silence and distance. They're going to see it as emotional blackmail and they're going to throw you the middle finger on their way out just like she's about to do.

but now you've dug yourself into such a little tantrum hole, how are you going to get out of it?

silence and distance will always fail on women who have self-esteem. The ones who have loaded no self-esteem and or are desperate, will come right back licking your booties
 
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sazc

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I will also add that you guys are probably starting to leave the honeymoon phase, where you're going to see her stand up for herself more because she's comfortable with you.

if I had been dating someone for 5 months and they pulled what you pulled, I would start to think that they had a mood disorder, because you've been consistent and reliable for 5 months and now all of a sudden you're showing this personality trait? I start to wonder what else you were hiding from me.

I certainly would not want to tie myself down in a long-term manner to somebody who uses the emotional blackmail of silence and distance. It's so unhealthy it's not even funny
 

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AJ84

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I disagree to the extent there is a greater issue at stake here, her attraction level. Guys that "get dumped out of nowhere" are from women who have lost attraction for them.

Attraction is counterintuitive and thrives in uncertainty.

Everything you state is intuitive and certain.

Will it create challenge and discomfort? Yes. But it will serve attraction. As long as she and HankHill understand each other going forward as words have already been spoken, no reason to revisit it as the disrespect on both ends won't be repeated.
Women can also lose attraction if they feel they are being taken for granted. I’ve seen girls dump what many here would call Chads for those reasons.

No one likes to feel disrespected. It’s not sexy, it’s insulting.

Creating uncertainty and all that works great in the beginnings of a relationship. It can motivate a person to work more for it if he or she sees value in the other person, as seems to be the case here with Hank’s girl.

After some time she would like to know if the investment is worth while. Men are no different in that regard. Uncertainty can make it difficult to figure that out. Hank talked about making her feel safe. How can she feel safe if she’s being gamed into feeling uncertain??


Sometimes some of the games used in dating don’t translate well in established relationships. It’s a different level than dating and many people date with the goal of progressing it into something else so it would make sense that some game tactics or whatever won’t work as well months or years in. Going no contact for little things like this, I think, is an example of that.
 

sazc

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I guess I need to add too that when I first asked if she did xyz she said 'oh I'm sorry babe, I didn't think you asked me to do that but now that you mention it you did specifically asked for it. I'm sorry, don't get mad.' so I hugged her and told her 'it's ok, you've been busy with all the other stuff so thank you for doing that'. So I did appreciate what she did and did want to get past it.

However I just kind of went quiet because it was still bothering me, I tried and tried and couldn't shake it off. That's when I expected her to ask 'how can I make it up to you', we have this joke where I told her in the past guys are easy if I'm ever mad just give me a bj and I'll be good again. She brings it up all the time 'are you mad, do you want me to give you a bj'? when she thinks I'm mad but I've only taken her up on that once before. Anyway, so I was expecting that she would at least try to make light of it by saying that or sitting close or something that shows that she cares.


Yep, I do think I overreacted but 'giving me sex' rubs me wrong, as a very feminist thing. She also receives mind blowing sex from me so it's a give and take. Not something I should be 'rewarded' with.


How do you suggest I do this?
You verbally told her you forgave her, out loud, using your words, and then you decided to get mad anyways and silence and distance her? you do realize that this behavior screams personality disorder, don't you? So you're essentially letting her know that she can expect you to tell her everything's fine but still turn into a little prick because everything's not fine. #next


Dude, you don't deserve a relationship. Get your sh1t straight!
 
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AJ84

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I guess I need to add too that when I first asked if she did xyz she said 'oh I'm sorry babe, I didn't think you asked me to do that but now that you mention it you did specifically asked for it. I'm sorry, don't get mad.' so I hugged her and told her 'it's ok, you've been busy with all the other stuff so thank you for doing that'. So I did appreciate what she did and did want to get past it.

However I just kind of went quiet because it was still bothering me, I tried and tried and couldn't shake it off. That's when I expected her to ask 'how can I make it up to you', we have this joke where I told her in the past guys are easy if I'm ever mad just give me a bj and I'll be good again. She brings it up all the time 'are you mad, do you want me to give you a bj'? when she thinks I'm mad but I've only taken her up on that once before. Anyway, so I was expecting that she would at least try to make light of it by saying that or sitting close or something that shows that she cares.


Yep, I do think I overreacted but 'giving me sex' rubs me wrong, as a very feminist thing. She also receives mind blowing sex from me so it's a give and take. Not something I should be 'rewarded' with.


How do you suggest I do this?
Hank you told her that she can give you a BJ if she pisses you off. You’re basically teaching her to ‘give’ you sex in a one sided manner as a way to pacify you. If she’s literally saying, “Are you mad? Do you want a BJ?, she’s offering you a pacifier but it doesn’t teach her not to do whatever it was that pissed you off unless she hates giving you BJs. You don’t want her to hate giving BJs right? Lol

And if she does like giving you BJs, then where’s her incentive to understand what your values and standards are if she can just shut you up up by blowing you. That’s her training you, actually. ‘I forgot to pick up his dry cleaning, oh well, I’ll just blow him and he’ll be fine with it. Maybe I’ll ‘forget’ to do other chores because what’s 5 to 7 minutes out of my day?’ See where I’m going with that lol.

If you don’t want her to forget to do these things, ask her what would help her remember. I’m sure she also has her own things to do unless she’s a robot so considering how to help her meet your needs while not neglecting her own may help her feel like it’s worth it do do these things for you and not like ‘ugh’ I have so much stuff to do and now I have to do his stuff.’

Honestly she sounds like someone who is willing to please you at a level that many girls won’t, don’t f**k it up by reacting over little things because girls like her are rare and I’m sure you know that. Support her to support you. Like how a good employer provides the resources for the employee to do a good job.

And reward the good job with that mind blowing sex she likes :).
 

Focal core

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You verbally told her you forgave her, out loud, using your words, and then you decided to get mad anyways and silence and distance her? Dude, you don't deserve a relationship. Get your sh1t straight!
Oh god I must have overlook on that part.. Tq sazc for point it out... Op already forgave her yet op himself remain unresolved. Op get a hold of yourself..
 

sazc

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Oh god I must have overlook on that part.. Tq sazc for point it out... Op already forgave her yet op himself remain unresolved. Op get a hold of yourself..
Yup.....

OP he needs to work on his communication skills this type of behavior is not going to work in a long-term relationship, talk about reasons why married couples get divorced.
 
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