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She called things off out of nowhere...

Airstryke

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Alright, first things first. I would definitely NOT classify myself as any kind of needy b!tch. I'm definitely picky when it comes to relationships, though. This girl was just smoking hot and seemed down to earth.

Which brings me to my next point. How do you fellas stop yourselves from comparing your plates to the ex? I mean, its easy if you find a girl that's better in all facets but how do you not pick apart other girls that you feel don't match up? That's always been a problem for me in the past.
 

RangerMIke

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This is what I mean. If you pick up a Cosmo magazine or overhear a female convo, they are telling women to play hard to get or act aloof to make a guy reach out to them. Here on SS you are telling guys the same thing... This idea that girls want X and guys want Y. In my dating experiences, the person who is most interested will initiate/pursue, but with the proper skillset, the pursuer can easily become the pursued. Relationships are about give and take, back and forth. If any person (male or female) is doing all of the pursuing, they will get burnt out and feel unappreciated. This makes someone very easy to steal or fall for another person.


My point is relationships are not just about women doing the chasing and investing. It is not just about you waiting for her to call to set up a date. That mirrors the gameplan of someone who is afraid of investing in a relationship. Much like my normal non-sexual relationships, I have to eventually start to reach out to the other person to hang out and to invest time mutually in our relationship.. friendly or otherwise.


I think that perhaps the confusion lies in your choosing of the word 'polarity':

Having constant 'contradiction' and 'antagonism' in a relationship is no bueno. That is arguing. You clearly didn't mean arguing after explaining yourself further, but the misunderstanding is based off of your word choice, not my inference skills.

If you actually mean balanced give and take, then yes, relationships require balanced give and take.


Your response does not suggest that this is something that only applies to the beginning stages of relationships. Am I correct in thinking then, that sh!t tests are constant if a woman is interested then? When I am 55, retired and married, that is what I have to look forward to?

My point is that women who are on the fence about whether they like you throw sh!t tests. Women who see red flags throw sh!t tests. Sh!t tests are often imo due to spikes in attraction without a build in rapport. Congruency cuts down on sh!t tests. The most interested do NOT sh!t-test because they either know/love who they think you are as a person, OR they already know you are about that life and don't need to test you.


I disagree with the idea that there are male strength qualities or female strength qualities. If you are a needy b!tch and you are dating a needy b!tch, the sh!t my work out.


Do a search. There are 17,000,000 results so I would venture to say it is not my limited definition. Here is an example:
https://www.quora.com/What-is-the-semantic-difference-between-rational-and-logical


Adam Smith says that we all do things for our own personal gain and these make up larger, unintended trends. For example, lets say conservationist notice a historical plot of land needs to be protected and they cordon off the area to farmers. An individual farmer might realize that if he let his cows grazed in a protected area they can get twice as big and he can make more money, but his 50 cows shouldn't do any major damage to the large plot of land. However, there are 2,000 other farmers who have the exact same thought process which actually results in ~10,000
cows grazing on the protected land. The protected area is destroyed as a result.


This is you 'imposing your limited definition on everyone else', when it comes to polarity but yes, I agree with the overall idea that having a give and take in a relationship is important.
D
This is what I mean. If you pick up a Cosmo magazine or overhear a female convo, they are telling women to play hard to get or act aloof to make a guy reach out to them. Here on SS you are telling guys the same thing... This idea that girls want X and guys want Y. In my dating experiences, the person who is most interested will initiate/pursue, but with the proper skillset, the pursuer can easily become the pursued. Relationships are about give and take, back and forth. If any person (male or female) is doing all of the pursuing, they will get burnt out and feel unappreciated. This makes someone very easy to steal or fall for another person.


My point is relationships are not just about women doing the chasing and investing. It is not just about you waiting for her to call to set up a date. That mirrors the gameplan of someone who is afraid of investing in a relationship. Much like my normal non-sexual relationships, I have to eventually start to reach out to the other person to hang out and to invest time mutually in our relationship.. friendly or otherwise.


I think that perhaps the confusion lies in your choosing of the word 'polarity':

Having constant 'contradiction' and 'antagonism' in a relationship is no bueno. That is arguing. You clearly didn't mean arguing after explaining yourself further, but the misunderstanding is based off of your word choice, not my inference skills.

If you actually mean balanced give and take, then yes, relationships require balanced give and take.


Your response does not suggest that this is something that only applies to the beginning stages of relationships. Am I correct in thinking then, that sh!t tests are constant if a woman is interested then? When I am 55, retired and married, that is what I have to look forward to?

My point is that women who are on the fence about whether they like you throw sh!t tests. Women who see red flags throw sh!t tests. Sh!t tests are often imo due to spikes in attraction without a build in rapport. Congruency cuts down on sh!t tests. The most interested do NOT sh!t-test because they either know/love who they think you are as a person, OR they already know you are about that life and don't need to test you.


I disagree with the idea that there are male strength qualities or female strength qualities. If you are a needy b!tch and you are dating a needy b!tch, the sh!t my work out.


Do a search. There are 17,000,000 results so I would venture to say it is not my limited definition. Here is an example:
https://www.quora.com/What-is-the-semantic-difference-between-rational-and-logical


Adam Smith says that we all do things for our own personal gain and these make up larger, unintended trends. For example, lets say conservationist notice a historical plot of land needs to be protected and they cordon off the area to farmers. An individual farmer might realize that if he let his cows grazed in a protected area they can get twice as big and he can make more money, but his 50 cows shouldn't do any major damage to the large plot of land. However, there are 2,000 other farmers who have the exact same thought process which actually results in ~10,000
cows grazing on the protected land. The protected area is destroyed as a result.


This is you 'imposing your limited definition on everyone else', when it comes to polarity but yes, I agree with the overall idea that having a give and take in a relationship is important.
Are you really challenging my use of the term polarity... why can't you just accept what I say now?

Don't really care what Cosmo Mag says never read it.... don't care not really relevant..... But if they are advising women not to chase men, then this is going against female nature.

I am responding to a brother that has already stated that his relationship is new (less than 6 months) why in the world would you assume otherwise?

BS the error is COMPLETELY in your weak inference... just fvcking own the fact that you failed to read completely what I was saying or failing that FAILED to ask for clarification.... you are not going to win this so just let it go we love YOU ANYWAY.

**** tests are NOT CONSTANT? Women only test you in the beginning of a relationship. If tests are happening after a couple of months then you are not getting tested.... you are in serious trouble.

Jesus ****ing Christ.... I am responding to a brother that that stated that he was in a relationship with a woman that was three months old.... Why in the fvck would you assume that anything I said was long term?

You really think there are no such things as Male strength qualities.... Do you really believe that menn do not respond to female strength qualities?
 

Airstryke

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Well, she replied late last night for the first time in 3 days. I have my answer.

"I'm so sorry I totally forgot to text you back when I got home...it's been a crazy weekend. I hope you had a good holiday! Getting into bed but didn't want to not respond!.. as for what I want... that's the thing. I have no idea! And I'm kinda just trying to figure it out day by day. I mean I don't know what I actually want to do for a job, get my degree in, if I wanna move to another state, if I even want to get married again...which I think eventually I will want to one day but that's what I'm talking about. I don't have anything figured out and as of right now I can't even think about it. I do know that I just want some time to myself...because a relationship is obviously about 2 people. And if I focus on someone else right now, I won't have time or the focus to think about any of that stuff. It really is just too hard to do both...I think that I jumped into this and just didn't realize how much I really wasn't ready for it and what could happen..."

I mean, I knew the writing was on the wall. Still sucks to hear all this sh!t. You start to think that it's all just an excuse. All of that sh!t is manageable if you're really into the person. Whatever, though. I haven't replied yet and I'm not even sure that I'll bother.
 

RangerMIke

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This is what I mean. If you pick up a Cosmo magazine or overhear a female convo, they are telling women to play hard to get or act aloof to make a guy reach out to them. Here on SS you are telling guys the same thing... This idea that girls want X and guys want Y. In my dating experiences, the person who is most interested will initiate/pursue, but with the proper skillset, the pursuer can easily become the pursued. Relationships are about give and take, back and forth. If any person (male or female) is doing all of the pursuing, they will get burnt out and feel unappreciated. This makes someone very easy to steal or fall for another person.

Yada yada et. al ad infinitum...
This is a forum... I type stuff off the top of my head, I'm not sitting down with a dictonary in front of me... you made assumptions about what I was posting, without qualification, I stated what I really meant and explained why I believe what I wrote is accurate. Why are you being so defensive about this? So what, you miss understood what I said.... I suppose that I can understand why you made these assuptions, but who cares.

Anyway what I post works for me, and has in all my 20 plus years of dating and one 10 year marriage. It's just advice... take it or leave it, I really don't care. If what you do works for you then great... keep doing it.

For me I make dates and try to sleep with women... I am not interested in relationships. If you are a guy that is looking to get into a relationship, then I don't have any advice for you... I do not pursue women PERIOD, if they won't go out with me, fine... I'm onto the next one.... I make dates and for me dating is entertainment... I hope that I am entertainment for them as well, but that is on them... I'm not responsible for other people's happiness, only my own. Because IMO if you are not happy, then you will be unable to make others happy. I do not lie to woman and I don't trick them, I let them know up front what I'm all about... if they don't like it, or me, well that's fine. I don't really try with women because it's a stategy... it's how I live my life, and women respond to this... and they frequently try to lock me down into a relationship... I can't tell you how many times I've had the "What are we?" conversation with women, I always push back, sometimes they go along with what I want and sometimes they leave and look for someone else, what ever makes her happy is fine with me.
 

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RangerMIke

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Don't reply. Let her go. Go Nc. Better ya life and find new girls.
Good advice, ask yourself this...

Will responding to her make a difference? Nope... it's wasted energy, she doesn't like you... the reasons don't matter. Go find a women that will like you.
 

Airstryke

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Good advice, ask yourself this...

Will responding to her make a difference? Nope... it's wasted energy, she doesn't like you... the reasons don't matter. Go find a women that will like you.
Yeah, that's all there is to it. There's no point in trying to talk to somebody that has no interest in things with you. Time to Next her and see what else is out there.
 

pipeman84

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It's crazy because we never had one fight or argument. The relationship was respectful, fun, and invigorating. I think that's why I'm so torn up about it. It would've been so much easier if there had been a concrete reason to call things off. Now it's over. Out of the blue. She told me it was due to her not fully healing from her failed marriage but she left him 2 and a half years ago.
I was intrigued by the title of this thread but it's obviously a misnomer. This is a woman with baggage..not enough data to tell if she had more baggage than a bus or an airplane, but still. Also, don't forget that within the first 3 months people can and do put up a front....so she probably couldn't keep it up and dumped you.
And why would she chase me to start with if she wasn't ready?
Who knows...for validation probably, to prove to herself she can still attract dudes.

One more observation: all this discussion of why she left you over text. Texting is a very subpar form of communication, suitable for transmitting short, direct info, ie: get 3 cartons of eggs please, brand X; the train leaves at 5pm. I view it as a lack of self worth and general awareness to initiate or take part into texting complex issues that involve emotions.
 

bat soup

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I posted this on the NC thread but thought I'd create my own also. Been a rough few days...


I stumbled across this site a couple of days after she blindsided me with the "I'm not ready for a relationship" line. We had been together for 3 months and everything seemed great. Met through a work friend after she noticed me making the rounds at the office. I guess that's the frustrating thing about all of this...SHE was the one that initiated things. Once we started talking, I knew I was hooked.

It's crazy because we never had one fight or argument. The relationship was respectful, fun, and invigorating. I think that's why I'm so torn up about it. It would've been so much easier if there had been a concrete reason to call things off. Now it's over. Out of the blue. She told me it was due to her not fully healing from her failed marriage but she left him 2 and a half years ago. How long does it take to heal from something like that? And why would she chase me to start with if she wasn't ready?

I can't get my mind off of her. We sent a few messages back and forth during the week (she cut the cord on Tuesday) and then she went to hang out with relatives and said she'd "think things over" and reply when she got back which was yesterday. I tried to explain to her how these connections don't come up often and to not be scared of something great. As of today, it's been 3 days since she sent that last reply and I haven't said anything since. I'm beginning to think she may not reply at all. If so, I guess I'll just have to take that as my answer and move on. It's really painful when you find someone that you really feel something for and that you're genuinely excited about only to have it blow up just as fast as it began...
I think I've found the problem here. The problem is that you actually believe what she says. Don't.

Most likely she met another guy. Telling you this BS just gives her the option to come back in the event that it doesn't work out with him.
 

BackInTheGame78

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So this didn't come out of nowhere. Around the 3 month mark is where a woman decides whether she wants to be with you long term or not.

In your case it means she enjoyed spending time with you and fvcking you but you "aren't her person". You aren't what she is looking for long term. And so instead of wasting more time with you, she is going to start auditioning new guys and see if she can find a person she is interested in long term.

It is a tough pill to swallow and can be a blow to your ego. However, she is actually doing you a favor. You don't want to be with a woman who isn't really into you.

And so you think she has called things off out of nowhere, but she really hasn't. She has been thinking about this for a while now, you just didn't know about it.

Also...why are people resurrecting 7 year old threads?
 

Bokanovsky

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Well, she replied late last night for the first time in 3 days. I have my answer.

"I'm so sorry I totally forgot to text you back when I got home...it's been a crazy weekend. I hope you had a good holiday! Getting into bed but didn't want to not respond!.. as for what I want... that's the thing. I have no idea! And I'm kinda just trying to figure it out day by day. I mean I don't know what I actually want to do for a job, get my degree in, if I wanna move to another state, if I even want to get married again...which I think eventually I will want to one day but that's what I'm talking about. I don't have anything figured out and as of right now I can't even think about it. I do know that I just want some time to myself...because a relationship is obviously about 2 people. And if I focus on someone else right now, I won't have time or the focus to think about any of that stuff. It really is just too hard to do both...I think that I jumped into this and just didn't realize how much I really wasn't ready for it and what could happen..."

I mean, I knew the writing was on the wall. Still sucks to hear all this sh!t. You start to think that it's all just an excuse. All of that sh!t is manageable if you're really into the person. Whatever, though. I haven't replied yet and I'm not even sure that I'll bother.
My takeaway from her verbal diarrhea text:

1. She was never really that into you. It seems like she was pushing herself to be with you because she felt like she had to start dating again.

2. Quite possibly, there is another man in the picture.

Nothing you say now will make a difference. I wouldn’t even justify that nonsense with a response.
 

SW15

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Also...why are people resurrecting 7 year old threads?
Good question. The woman mentioned in the original post is likely married by now with a child or two. At this point, she's completely forgotten about a 3 month relationship in 2015. She likely had rumbling ovaries back in 2015 as a near 30 year old. The original poster was 31 at the time he made the post. We also don't know what he's doing now.
 
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