Self Esteem over Time after Break-Up

[phil2015]

Hi Guys,

Something I've been thinking about over the past 24 hours or so is the mental and emotional development that occurs after a couple breaks up.

I've noticed a popular image of what happens is showing the man initially happy and becoming more depressed over time, whilst the woman initially has a strong negative reaction and gets happier over the next few months.

Please see image below;




However............

Whilst this may be true in some cases, I happen to feel that generally speaking, especially if the woman has become over complacent in the relationship the self esteem levels of the man and woman will closer resemble those below.

In this we see, that at point A - A break up occurs.....

The woman's self esteem is initially very high, with her friends, family, orbiters etc all telling her she 'can do better' and will be 'better of on her own' etc painting an image of a rosy future where she can do better on everything.

By contrast, the man esteem at this point is very low. Men are typically unprepared for the break-up/being dumped and as a result it hits them hard.

The key point I'm making on this graph, is that for the man his esteem can only rise or improve over time. This will be accelerated if he looks after himself, hits the gym, meditates, focusses on self-improvement etc. If hes got any plates this can only help. Over time he rises and is often stronger than before.



By contrast, the woman hits the clubs and bars with her BFFs, gay best friends and new found freedom. Initially she has fun, gets drunk and hit on by randoms yet the general 'pump and dump' attitude of most men makes her realise what she has given up on. The scarcity of having a relationship or someone solid kicks in her anxiety, depression, fear increases. She becomes gripped by a sense of loss and regret over time. This is especially predominant is she ended the relationship.

This explains why after X amount of time, many women attempt to get back in contact with their previous partners out of the blue.

......Just some thoughts I've been having here, but I'd be interested to know what any of you think.....

P

 

[AlphaNate]

A 9gag meme is bull****? I'm shocked.

 

[Roober]

If the guy treated her well, and she walked away to branch swing or something else, she often gets worse. She will stay strong, but live with regret.

Any half decent man will be a wreck for a period of time (1 week - 2 months), then get better and better.

 

[wifehunter]

In my experience, women are very catty, envious, and jealous of each other. Whenever a woman who might be more beautiful than her peers gets out of a relationship, there is usually a contrived plan to get her to go to the clubs and fvck the biggest douche. But her friends will frame it as "getting over an ex." They will try to convince her that everyone does it and it's standard protocol. This is why most groups of women eventually become of the same quality. They are only as high quality as the lowest quality slvt. Women are herd creatures. They almost have a hive mind.

I have seen this scenario play out over and over again growing up. Sometimes, a woman might appear "worse" after a break-up, but what you don't know is that getting gang banged or analed by a random bar guy might have contributed to it. This puts her into a spiral of neediness where she goes from one pump and dump guy to another. Eventually, her "education" is complete and she becomes another clone of her slvtty friends.

On a sidenote, the worse group of women is a group that has a mother hen who's a fatty. She will convince the hotties of the group to have a antagonizing attitude against guys. Every time I look at a group of women, I always pay attention to the lowest quality one because I know she is the one with the most to prove. She is more likely to bring every down to her level. The sad reality is that often times, the alpha female is the ugliest and most over-compensating and the "pretty ones" often fall into her frame.

 

[Roober]

In my experience, women are very catty, envious, and jealous of each other. Whenever a woman who might be more beautiful than her peers gets out of a relationship, there is usually a contrived plan to get her to go to the clubs and fvck the biggest douche. But her friends will frame it as "getting over an ex." They will try to convince her that everyone does it and it's standard protocol. This is why most groups of women eventually become of the same quality. They are only as high quality as the lowest quality slvt. Women are herd creatures. They almost have a hive mind.

I have seen this scenario play out over and over again growing up. Sometimes, a woman might appear "worse" after a break-up, but what you don't know is that getting gang banged or analed by a random bar guy might have contributed to it. This puts her into a spiral of neediness where she goes from one pump and dump guy to another. Eventually, her "education" is complete and she becomes another clone of her slvtty friends.

On a sidenote, the worse group of women is a group that has a mother hen who's a fatty. She will convince the hotties of the group to have a antagonizing attitude against guys. Every time I look at a group of women, I always pay attention to the lowest quality one because I know she is the one with the most to prove. She is more likely to bring every down to her level. The sad reality is that often times, the alpha female is the ugliest and most over-compensating and the "pretty ones" often fall into her frame.

Like a chain is only as strong as it's weakest link. good stuff

 

[phil2015]

"This puts her into a spiral of neediness where she goes from one pump and dump guy to another."

In my own experience this time frame can be from a week to a few months after the break-up event.

This takes places to give her the validation that she is still attractive, pretty, desirable but in the back of her mind she knows she is being used and it does not reset or build up her self esteem.

I dated a girl once who had been used by FWB, FBs etc for nigh on 3 years and her self-esteem/confidence was among the lowest I've ever seen in a human.

Its a daunting thought to think the only ounce of 'worth' you can supply a man with, is something obtained from mere sexual friction.

 

[soulforge]

I agree with this.. I had this one ex call me out of the blue, after maybe 2 years of breaking up..

she told me how she became very depressed over time, and even needed some therapy..

Also how she went through quite a long period of going off the rails.. i.e drinking and probably fuking lots of guys.. this is what probably contributed to her needing therapy.

 

[phil2015]

This has happened numerous times with me too, ie a random message or being contacted on facebook months if not years later

"she went through quite a long period of going off the rails.. i.e drinking and probably fuking lots of guys.."

I think this is a way of self-induced destruction intended to distract from what they have walked away from. Seems that lots of girls go out on the lash, and do genuinely feel some regret from walking away from something good.

 

[QuadDeuces]

The interesting thing is that every woman has at least one story of going off the rails. It's because every woman has suffered from love at first sight that didn't work out at least once in their lifetimes. And the only way they know how to cope is seeking validation from guys. I onced asked a plate her "going off the rails" story and she told me it involved getting gang banged by 15 Asian men in an underground fetish party. I almost threw up in my mouth and dropped her - even as a plate. I just couldn't look at her the same way anymore. She eventually ended up in a relationship with a nice guy who thinks she's an innocent angel. He has no idea where she came from. The deeper I went down the rabbit hole, the less I wanted to know about women's sexual past.

Yes buddy, I've learned this lesson a long time ago. Never ask the questions you do not want to know the answer of.

 

[resilient]

Great quotes about post breakup and self-esteem in general:

"That's the best revenge of all: happiness. Nothing drives people crazier than seeing someone have a good fvcking life."
—Chuch Palaniuk

"Don't get mad. Don't get even. Do better. Much better. Become so engulfed in your own success & happiness that you forget it ever happened."
—Anonymous

“Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing.”
—August Wilson

"Freedom is to be able to go in any direction, so take the uncertain path"
—Anders Friden (In Flames)

"If you truly want to be respected by people you love, you must prove to them that you can survive without them."
— Michael Bassey Johnson

 

[BeExcellent]

It really depends on the individual. Man or woman. People with high self love and self esteem are going to do fine. In fact they are not going to get all depressed to begin with because they have a positive outlook on life and they are happy where ever they are. Might they have some hurts and perhaps miss the other person? Perhaps they will. Perhaps things ran their natural course and the outcome was also natural.

Living well is the best outcome, irrespective of how the other person is doing. One should aspire to live well for ones self and not to show off to someone else. If it happens that the results in your own life create a contrast compared to someone else's life, that is merely a side effect, not the main goal.

I actually want people I have been close to in my life to do exceptionally well. It gives me happiness to see them doing well even if they are not with me. It gives me happiness also to do well myself. I do not operate from a "see, look what you missed out on perspective", and frankly I hope people I have been close to in my life do not either. Bitterness and one up man ship serve no one.

 

[lizardking82]

Every time I look at a group of women, I always pay attention to the lowest quality one because I know she is the one with the most to prove. She is more likely to bring everyone down to her level.

Gold, right there. You just brought to mind countless situations with this thing. Reall, so true and so well said.

 

[resilient]

One of the best gifts that a DJ can do for himself following his breakup is invest in himself.

I agree with what @BeExcellent wrote above. If a DJ's self-love and self-esteem are firing fine on all cylinders the "sting" of the breakup won't have as great of an impact. Fallback plates are always a nice insurance policy if they're available/active. In a similar way, a woman has her orbiters, exes, OLD, social media contacts at the ready to monkey branch swing if a STR or LTR fizzles out for a temp validation fix while she prepares a longer term mate strategy.

If there are no fallback plates, then the DJ could spend time being active. Whether that's the the gym, outdoors, indoors, wherever it is -- break a sweat. Improve an existing hobby or take up a new hobby. For example, I took up electric guitar and bulking following my most recent breakup. 10 days later, a strict eating, gym, and sleep discipline, no plates whatsoever and I'm feeling awesome.

Get back out there and be social with everyone not just the women you want to approach. Take time to heal, but don't sit there at home glued to Netflix, DVR, video games, or other vices for weeks/months on end. Life goes on.

Bottom line is to stay active. Breakups are easier when your life feels full and you're focused on your own individual happiness.

 

[phil2015]

"Bottom line is to stay active. Breakups are easier when your life feels full and you're focused on your own individual happiness." @resilient

Totally agree with you here Resilient.

I heard some news from mutual friends recently regarding my own ex. Supposedly shes struggling with things and has pretty much become a hermit at her mother's house. Shes been going out drinking to excess take the pain of the break-up away, doesn't know who/what shes doing in life, has stopped training and after 8 weeks has lost her curves and put weight on in wrong places. Allegedly shes still having boughts of crying, isn't eating aor sleeping and has gone into meltdown mode.

Considering she walked out on me you'd think I'd feel a smirk or karma or retribution. But to be honest I kinda feel sorry for her to have ended up in this state. :-(

 

[phil2015]

I'm curious, so you mean the pretend 'image' of herself breaking?

 

[phil2015]

So rather than the happy, free-thinking, smiling person I met.......this chaotic, weak, recluse is essentially the real her?

 

[phil2015]

Don't understand why she voluntarily go back to this state, which is much worst than the one she was in when she was with me.

 

[btownbuck2012]

Don't understand why she voluntarily go back to this state, which is much worst than the one she was in when she was with me.

Because her narcissism is the only thing keeping her alive. She is so f*cked up and broken on the inside that she HAD to discard you to feel good about herself. Narcissists don't ghost you because you're not good enough for them or because whoever they're now seeing is so much better than you. You don't hear from them because they can't handle you knowing that they've taken a fall, are worse off without you, their life really sucks, etc. This facade they hold up is all they have in life and they will destroy intimate relationships in a desperate attempt to hold onto that image. It's sad, pathetic and heartbreaking. True healing only comes from understanding what exactly is happening here.

 

[phil2015]

"True healing only comes from understanding what exactly is happening here."

Yup this is where I'm at, just trying to understand the whole thing and get my head around it. This dosen't follow the pattern of other relationships I've had

 

[btownbuck2012]

"True healing only comes from understanding what exactly is happening here."

Yup this is where I'm at, just trying to understand the whole thing and get my head around it. This dosen't follow the pattern of other relationships I've had

Yeah it blindsides a-lot of people. A very difficult thing to get through if you're not aware of what is going on. I hope everything turns out OK for you and you're able to move on from this eventually.