Regarding a last date/Wanna initiate an LTR (need help)

[AntoniousIV]

I've been feeling a bit down lately, so this post is just my heart speaking, no strings attached. I've been feeling down bcs of my performance on my previous date. (yesterday)

So there's this girl I've been seeing since may 1st. She was at a restuarant, that I was working at. She was with her single mom and her uncle, and that's where I got her digits. (used BPH's line)
We've went out a couple of times. It's long distance, but we've went out a total of 4-6 times.

She lost her virginity to me on the 3rd date. The 3rd date was in my city. She asked her single mom to let her come to my city (180kms away), but her mom was strict so she said no. Regardless of her mother's wishes, she decided to come see me anyway, saying that she missed me too much, and slept at my place after she slept with me. Her mom was very mad at her afterwards.

At this time I was acting more "cold", not being too lovey dovey, not really showing that I love her with my words. Only loving her with my actions.

Actions such as kissing,cuddling and only physical stuff we could both enjoy.Kinda treating her like my personal teddy bear if that make sense. And I think that doing that worked (kept her attracted).

I'm going to her city in a month, and for the next 4 years will live there to get my undergrad degree, so It wouldn't be long distance anymore.
(side note: I didn't choose her city because of her, choose her city because it's has the best uni)

But ever since I've realised how valuable a girl with 0 experience like her is, I've given up on spinning plates. Had a couple of chances to "cheat" on her during the summer but didn't. And yesterday when I went to her city, to give my highschool diplomas to the college, I went out with her and I wasn't cold. Infact I was my "true self", I was very "lovey dovey".

I didn't directly say that I love her. But I did tell her that after she called me the night before the date (it was late,she called to make sure that I'm going) that I thought about what I'd wanna do with her when I saw her the next day, and I told her that I just wanted to caress her hair and hug her.
Told her that I'm usually very grumpy and not really smiling after a long and sleep deprived drive but that she's a sweetie and that I'm still happy because of her cute energy.
I told her that it's a bummer that her mom didn't let her come to a neighbouring city (10km away from mine) with her friends this summer . She said she'd be drowning me if she came. I asked her what if I really drowned? She said I'd give you cpr. I said I'd drown myself then.
Also told her that I imagined a situation where I was playing tug of war against her little sister and that she was the rope, and that me and her younger sister were "arguing" for her, each pulling on one hand. It was meant to be a sort of joke/show of affection.

And I really wonder if that's turned her off a bit, and if I should try being "cold" and sort of "distant" again. Although at the end of the date she was asking me how many girls I've slept with. So I wonder if maybe I didn't turn her off. I ofcourse didn't tell her my bodycount. Also during the date she told me about a guy that was messaging her and how she was super dry towards him (had 1 word answers) and had left him on sent for 11hours. I don't know if that's a good or a bad thing? I didn't really say anything, just listened to her telling me.

So after some time, and some posts on here, and me realising that she's actually more valuable just because she has 0 dating experience (when we first went out she didn't even know how to kiss). I realised that I wanna get "serious" with her. I wanna start an LTR.

But my biggest issue is boundaries. I was thinking of maybe not setting any because of her inexperience, but maybe that would be a slippery slope.
I've thought about some boundaries, and how I would go on about initiating an ltr and setting those boundaries.

So my boundaries (idk if they're stupid, so I need help) are:
-Delete snapchat, or atleast remove all guys from her snapchat (mby a half measure)
-Keep her ig "photoless" (already is photoless, mby it's pointless talking about it)
-No male friends, not flirting or really talking with other dudes (what's the need? she has me)
-Dress moderately (now this one is kinda hard because I sorta commented on how short her shorts were and she said the weather was too hot (it's summer here) but when I met her during may 1st she was wearing a regular sweater, so maybe she dresses like that during summer just bcs she's feeling hot and dresses normally during other seasons)
-No more getting drunk on girls night's out (although she did tell me that she's been doing that a lot less recently)

I was thinking of going about it in this way:
I would first ask her if she loved me, after she said yes I would say I do too. And that I wanna get more serious and start an LTR. But there's one issue, this summer I've had a lot of chances to go with other girls but didn't because I'm fully commited, but I feel like you're not fully commited. So I wanna set some ground rules before we enter into anything serious. Then I'd tell her about snapchat, tell her about ig, about male friends, and about how I choose her that night specifically because she was dressed moderately, and that there were girls previously that were practically naked and that I had no intereset in them, and about drinking. Ofcourse if she's adamant about any of the boundaries I would say I can't be in a relationship with someone who doesn't do x. And if she still won't budge, we could just keep seeing eachother, but I would tell her that I can't be exclusive with someone who isn't commited 100% (that would possibly be the last time I see her, which worries me). And I would lose the chance to date and possibly marry a virgin. But would gain the chance to **** around in college, which would probably be really fun short term, but it'd be hard to find a "quality girl" to marry after.

Need help, how do go about setting boundaries? Are my boundaries any good? Was I too affectionate on my previous date with her yesterday? Is her showing me that she's ignoring a guy on instagram a good thing?

 

[Doctor Europeo]

Are my boundaries any good?

Your boundaries are not good or bad, they are your boundaries. Every person is allowed to have negotiables and non-negotiables. Just be sure which are which for you and communicate it.

 

[BPH]

@AntoniousIV there's a lot to unpack here, so I'll just make a list and go point-by-point:

• Don't set boundaries and make demands. She's an adult; let her show you who she is, and then YOU can decide what you can and can't tolerate. You're both young, so telling her that she's not allowed to have any social media or go out for drinks with her friends communicates an inherent lack of trust, in my opinion.
• You don't have to be cold and distant, but also don't be this loverboy who's gushing about wanting to do all these romantic things with her all the time. Patrice O'Neal said that in order for a relationship to work, she has to like you just a little more than you like her, and I agree. If that dynamic shifts, she'll get complacent, she'll get bored, and it'll be infinitely easier for her to replace you than the other way around.
• You don't have to lie about how many women you've slept with. I believe you said she was also a virgin, right? She might think it's sweet that you were each other's first. Every time I've had a woman ask me about my body count, I've been honest, because if she has a problem with it, it's her problem, not mine.
• It would not have been "cheating" for you to be single and explore your options during the summer. It WILL be cheating if you decide to do that after committing to a relationship with her.
• Don't even consider marriage at this point. This is the first girl you've ever been with, you're the first guy she's ever been with, and neither of you know sh** at this stage of your life. It would be like going to a candy store, trying a Hershey's bar, and deciding that's the best candy in the world - when you've never tried anything else. If you're still with this girl in a few years and feel the same way, then go ahead and explore that option.

I'm glad you've found some success with women, but you're young - don't start thinking about permanent life decisions when you've barely lived.

 

[Prepostereax]

I didn't read past the title, but bro, you've done the first step.
It's her move now.
LTR's are a woman's prerogative.

If she wants to escalate here, then you'll have to vet her for congruency over time.

If she doesn't make any moves in this direction, she's a plate.

 

[zekko]

Generally speaking, it's not a good idea to tell a woman "I love you" first. It's not necessarily a deal breaker (depends on the situation). But men tend to come to that point quicker than women, and if you spill the beans before she's reached that point, she'll wonder what's wrong with you. Keep showing your interest with your actions, and let her worry about defining the relationship.

 

[Clockwerk50]

This is bizarre. I’m assuming you two haven’t actually had a conversation about exclusivity or commitment yet, because if you haven’t, you’re trying to establish rules for a relationship that doesn’t exist yet. A lot of what you’re describing can be summarized by understanding that men are the gatekeepers of commitment. Just as a woman that gives sex away freely can diminish its value, giving commitment away freely can diminish its value as well. Being excessively relationship-focused before the relationship has actually been established can itself become a turn-off. More importantly, I think you’re approaching “boundaries” backwards. Correcting her behavior and establishing a list of restrictions before you’re exclusive is largely futile because she has no obligation to follow rules you haven’t mutually agreed to. You’re not her boyfriend yet.

If you genuinely want an LTR, then you need to establish the frame you want the relationship to operate within and remain congruent with it. Don’t enter her frame by accepting rules or conditions that aren’t consistent with what you want. Let her decide whether she wants to enter your frame, and if she doesn’t, be willing to accept that rather than trying to convince her otherwise. Once you’re actually exclusive, you can discuss boundaries and determine whether you’re compatible.

As with everything else, your odds are generally better if she brings up the conversation because it means she is already made the decision herself rather than you trying to force the relationship into existence. In other words, start doing boyfriend stuff with her. Meet her family, spend more time together, make plans, and allow the relationship to naturally develop into something more serious rather than presenting her with a list of rules.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

You don't love her after 3 dates just cause she let you stick your d!ck in her.

Slow your roll player.

Boundaries for what exactly? A relationship that you are creating in your mind that doesn't actually exist?

Has she brought up only wanting to be with you exclusively? Other than letting you fvck her, why does she qualify for that? What are your standards for women? Do you have any?

You are young and you are going to need to learn from your mistakes as you go.

Thinking because you have a full blown relationship and a girl is now your girlfriend after you had sex for the first time is a big one.

This is how you signal to a woman you are needy, desperate and need her validation. You have to quiet this side of you.

SHE should be the one chasing you for the relationship, not the other way around like it is now. This is backwards. You are taking on the female role right now in this way.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

Your boundaries are not good or bad, they are your boundaries. Every person is allowed to have negotiables and non-negotiables. Just be sure which are which for you and communicate it.

Trying to set boundaries prior to any relationship being established (by her) is one of those moves that usually backfires spectacularly and signifies to her silently that the guy is needy, desperate and seeking her validation.

 

[AntoniousIV]

As with everything else, your odds are generally better if she brings up the conversation because it means she is already made the decision herself rather than you trying to force the relationship into existence.

@AntoniousIV there's a lot to unpack here, so I'll just make a list and go point-by-point:

• It would not have been "cheating" for you to be single and explore your options during the summer. It WILL be cheating if you decide to do that after committing to a relationship with her.

Trying to set boundaries prior to any relationship being established (by her) is one of those moves that usually backfires spectacularly and signifies to her silently that the guy is needy, desperate and seeking her validation.

I forgot to mention about a conversation I had with her. It was a month ago, and it was a week after she slept with me.
We hadn't messaged eachother for a week, and I saw a video she'd reposted with the text "it's very hard trying to forget about some1 you used to love". So I messaged her:
Me: Hey are you okay?
Her: No.
Me: Why not?
Her: Because I figured what type of man you are.
Me: What type?
Her: I heard that you are one who goes around sleeping with women and then leaving them shortly thereafter.
Me: No that's not me, where'd you figure that out?
Her: She says, I don't mind your past please just tell me if you've changed.
(and I basically just denied it and things seemed fine after)

And this is why I didn't explore my options with other girls, she probably expects exclusivity now without us even being in a relationship. Maybe that was my mistake for denying that, without being clear that I won't be exclusive unless we're in a relationship.

Does this exchange between me and her change anything?

 

[BackInTheGame78]

I forgot to mention about a conversation I had with her. It was a month ago, and it was a week after she slept with me.
We hadn't messaged eachother for a week, and I saw a video she'd reposted with the text "it's very hard trying to forget about some1 you used to love". So I messaged her:
Me: Hey are you okay?
Her: No.
Me: Why not?
Her: Because I figured what type of man you are.
Me: What type?
Her: I heard that you are one who goes around sleeping with women and then leaving them shortly thereafter.
Me: No that's not me, where'd you figure that out?
Her: She says, I don't mind your past please just tell me if you've changed.
(and I basically just denied it and things seemed fine after)

And this is why I didn't explore my options with other girls, she probably expects exclusivity now without us even being in a relationship. Maybe that was my mistake for denying that, without being clear that I won't be exclusive unless we're in a relationship.

Does this exchange between me and her change anything?

No...my man, she is just seeing how easy you are to manipulate and control.

 

[AntoniousIV]

No...my man, she is just seeing how easy you are to manipulate and control.

How so? And how could I not be?

 

[Sega Genesis]

I forgot to mention about a conversation I had with her. It was a month ago, and it was a week after she slept with me.
We hadn't messaged each other for a week,

Why didn't you message her after you slept together/had sex? NOT cool dude.

That is why she said what she said on the video. She probably thought you were ghosting her! Pump and dump. She was hurt!

Notice how when you responded asking if she was okay, giving her the reassurance she needed that you give a shyt, she did a complete 180 and now everything is fine!

Some women DO expect some sort of relationship to develop after first time sex. They don't give sex freely or easily, it actually means something.

Or at the very least, you want to continue seeing her. Not contacting her for a week reflects the opposite and yes many women expect the man to reach out after first time sex.

Why didn't you?

Not all women, even highly interested ones, are gonna chase you if that's what you're thinking.

Just my take from the limited info you've provided. I'm glad things seem to be back on track.

I agree with others, slow your roll, stop overthinking this and enjoy!

One day at a time...

 

[Igetit!]

Generally speaking, it's not a good idea to tell a woman "I love you" first.

Especially not after only three dates.

 

[AntoniousIV]

Why didn't you message her after you slept together/had sex? NOT cool dude.

I did, she had a long trip to her home (180km). 4h after she left I asked her if she'd arrived.

I'll definetly slow my roll though thanks.

 

[Divorced w 3]

You should never define the relationship. That is her job. Actions are how she proves to you that she wants to be with you.

 

[Sega Genesis]

Actions are how she proves to you that she wants to be with you.

Agree and vice versa.

 

[Divorced w 3]

Agree and vice versa.

He shouldn’t have left her hanging for a week. Couple days is being busy and having a life and not fawning; week says, you aren’t interested, unless something bad happened in his life.

 

[AntoniousIV]

He shouldn’t have left her hanging for a week. Couple days is being busy and having a life and not fawning; week says, you aren’t interested, unless something bad happened in his life.

I did text her after she left.

And then a week after she left this happened:
I saw a video she'd reposted with the text "it's very hard trying to forget about some1 you used to love". So I messaged her:
Me: Hey are you okay?
Her: No.
Me: Why not?
Her: Because I figured what type of man you are.
Me: What type?
Her: I heard that you are one who goes around sleeping with women and then leaving them shortly thereafter.
Me: No that's not me, where'd you figure that out?
Her: She says, I don't mind your past please just tell me if you've changed.
(and I basically just denied it and things seemed fine after)

Maybe that was my mistake for denying that, without being clear that I won't be exclusive unless we're in a relationship.

Does this exchange between me and her change anything? Would she still want an LTR after this?

 

[Sega Genesis]

I did text her after she left.

Ok but then why did you post this?

We hadn't messaged each other for a week.

Hopefully your communications with her are more clear.

Anyway try and relax and let things take their natural course, do not push.

In time she will mention a relationship and being exclusive if that's what she wants.

 

[BPH]

I forgot to mention about a conversation I had with her. It was a month ago, and it was a week after she slept with me.
We hadn't messaged eachother for a week, and I saw a video she'd reposted with the text "it's very hard trying to forget about some1 you used to love". So I messaged her:
Me: Hey are you okay?
Her: No.
Me: Why not?
Her: Because I figured what type of man you are.
Me: What type?
Her: I heard that you are one who goes around sleeping with women and then leaving them shortly thereafter.
Me: No that's not me, where'd you figure that out?
Her: She says, I don't mind your past please just tell me if you've changed.
(and I basically just denied it and things seemed fine after)

And this is why I didn't explore my options with other girls, she probably expects exclusivity now without us even being in a relationship. Maybe that was my mistake for denying that, without being clear that I won't be exclusive unless we're in a relationship.

Does this exchange between me and her change anything?

I think you're self-sabotaging with this girl because you're trying too hard to be a "Don Juan" about it, rather than enjoying it and using it as a learning experience. You're purposely ghosting her, lying about your body count, trying to define boundaries before you even become exclusive...

You're both young and inexperienced. So relax. Allow yourself to make mistakes so that you'll learn from them, rather than trying to be perfect your very first time.