Red flag?

[dk1990S111]

Questioning if I drop this chick. Sounds dumb but I’m a single dad looking for a partner to help raise my daughter so not just looking for plates lol

She’s mostly what I’m looking for, but a few weeks back she starts talking abut how she’s getting a nose piercing. Several girls at her work did so she has to be a follower which I don’t care for. I told her I’ve never found them attractive but you do you. Basically says she doesn’t care what I think. She just turned 30 and to me that is childish behavior.

Just the mentality of I don’t care what you think or if you find me less attractive because of it, not wife material in my opinion. Am I trippin?

 

[BackInTheGame78]

Honestly I feel that you "looking for someone to help raise your daughter" is going to end up as you accepting something that isn't good for you long term because you just want someone and that alone is going to cloud your judgement and decision making.

This is NOT why you should be dating. It's not their job to raise your kid. That's your job and her Mom's if she is still in the picture.

As for this particular woman, how long have you been dating her and what is the nature of your relationship?

If I am being honest, your reason for wanting a woman is the biggest red flag I see in this post.

 

[dk1990S111]

Honestly I feel that you "looking for someone to help raise your daughter" is going to end up as you accepting something that isn't good for you long term because you just want someone and that alone is going to cloud your judgement and decision making.

This is NOT why you should be dating. It's not their job to raise your kid. That's your job and her Mom's if she is still in the picture.

As for this particular woman, how long have you been dating her and what is the nature of your relationship?

If I am being honest, your reason for wanting a woman is the biggest red flag I see in this post.

We dated for about 5 months last year and now have been together again the last 2 months approx. When I originally left her I was trying to make the best choice for my daughter. I have my daughter 50/50. Gf has her son 100% of the time. Didn’t want my daughter feeling resentment towards me for being around the gfs son more than I am around the gfs son. Read up on that a lot which is why I made that choice. Kinda reconnected by chance a few months ago and it just kinda went from there.

The raising my kid isn’t the only reason I want a woman but I do not want to just spin plates like I would if I didn’t have my daughter. Looking for the long term partner to build with. I make plenty of money, but time is the trade off. Usually 6-6 most days. If I gotta adjust my schedule then that’s what’s gotta happen. But I was raised and believe it’s the man’s job to provide and the mom handles the home. If that’s not what a woman wants for her life more power to her to get what she wants, but that’s just how I see things working best. I can do it alone. But I really want to show my daughter a healthy relationship and marriage maybe. Her mom was diagnosed bipolar but that’s just scratching the surface, me and the ex husband both came to the conclusion of NPD on our own but now I’m seeing more lining up with BPD for real not the over used ex BPD stuff talked about here. Talking about things like I couldn’t stop for coffee at a gas station on the way to work without it being me cheating. Her threatening to leave me in Vegas because I took a few min to lay on the bed and look for family stuff to do. Being called gay for having a friend that most of the time just helped me work but then I was also trying to cheat with female customers if I quoted too low. Getting told “I’ll do it my ****ing self” when I tell her I just needed to use the bathroom and I could help her. List could go on and on. But showing my daughter a healthy relationship where whoever I’m with is a cohesive unit as parents is what I think is best for my 50% of the time giving her the idea of what normal is.

I’m not going to be with just anyone, after being with the ex I’m looking for the red flags I ignored before with her. I know nobody is perfect but if your wife tells you she doesn’t care what you think about things that’s not a good wife right?

 

[BackInTheGame78]

We dated for about 5 months last year and now have been together again the last 2 months approx. When I originally left her I was trying to make the best choice for my daughter. I have my daughter 50/50. Gf has her son 100% of the time. Didn’t want my daughter feeling resentment towards me for being around the gfs son more than I am around the gfs son. Read up on that a lot which is why I made that choice. Kinda reconnected by chance a few months ago and it just kinda went from there.

The raising my kid isn’t the only reason I want a woman but I do not want to just spin plates like I would if I didn’t have my daughter. Looking for the long term partner to build with. I make plenty of money, but time is the trade off. Usually 6-6 most days. If I gotta adjust my schedule then that’s what’s gotta happen. But I was raised and believe it’s the man’s job to provide and the mom handles the home. If that’s not what a woman wants for her life more power to her to get what she wants, but that’s just how I see things working best. I can do it alone. But I really want to show my daughter a healthy relationship and marriage maybe. Her mom was diagnosed bipolar but that’s just scratching the surface, me and the ex husband both came to the conclusion of NPD on our own but now I’m seeing more lining up with BPD for real not the over used ex BPD stuff talked about here. Talking about things like I couldn’t stop for coffee at a gas station on the way to work without it being me cheating. Her threatening to leave me in Vegas because I took a few min to lay on the bed and look for family stuff to do. Being called gay for having a friend that most of the time just helped me work but then I was also trying to cheat with female customers if I quoted too low. Getting told “I’ll do it my ****ing self” when I tell her I just needed to use the bathroom and I could help her. List could go on and on. But showing my daughter a healthy relationship where whoever I’m with is a cohesive unit as parents is what I think is best for my 50% of the time giving her the idea of what normal is.

I’m not going to be with just anyone, after being with the ex I’m looking for the red flags I ignored before with her. I know nobody is perfect but if your wife tells you she doesn’t care what you think about things that’s not a good wife right?

Yes, but she isn't your wife and are the issues why you stopped dating her the first time still there? If so, how will things be different?

 

[CornbreadFed]

As a person that greatly benefitted from a stepmom, I see OP's point. There are women that do not mind being a step mommy and it is your job & responsibility to seek out the best candidate. Based off what I am reading, this woman is not a good candidate. If you are actually serious about your end goal, then you need to drop this girl. It is okay to date women that follow her friends, but make sure she is following friends with good intent not toxic intent.

 

[Sega Genesis]

Basically says she doesn’t care what I think...

Nevermind the nose piercing, this^^ reflects such a lack of respect. I would never say this to my boyfriend. Ever!

I also know what the consequences would be but even without, I'd never say it.

She doesn't care what you think? Wow.

How did you respond?

 

[plumber]

if it is not right, it is not right. you already know. never settle down with someone that would cause you to bring these questions.

keep contact with her if you like, and you get value from her. At the same time be available for others that might fit your dream closer.

some women will try to keep emotional control of you and some are not happy unless there is conflict. either way, if her behavior gets under your skin then stay away from her. you can learn to deal with it, but can not learn quickly, it takes time.

 

[dk1990S111]

Nevermind the nose piercing, this^^ reflects such a lack of respect. I would never say this to my boyfriend. Ever!

I also know what the consequences would be but even without, I'd never say it.

She doesn't care what you think? Wow.

How did you respond?

After I said how I don’t find it attractive she basically said the whole “don’t care what you think, I’m doing it” then about 30 min later sends another text saying if it really bothers me she’ll take it out. Admitted a few days later she thought she might have sounded bitchy saying she didn’t care what I think. Still did it anyways though.

After she said the thing about if it bothers me she’ll take it out I said:

“I won’t say anything else about it, just had to let you know that because if I can’t tell you my thoughts then I’m not being myself. Just important to be open, that’s why I also want to know if anything I do annoys you or bothers you too”

 

[dk1990S111]

As a person that greatly benefitted from a stepmom, I see OP's point. There are women that do not mind being a step mommy and it is your job & responsibility to seek out the best candidate. Based off what I am reading, this woman is not a good candidate. If you are actually serious about your end goal, then you need to drop this girl. It is okay to date women that follow her friends, but make sure she is following friends with good intent not toxic intent.

Exactly on the toxic intent. Her friend group at work are a bad influence on her in my opinion. She has addiction issues in her past, going to go work there she started vaping because the coworkers do. Again not a huge deal but for a wife, no go for me. I don’t want or need someone the doesn’t have the ability to say no to something that isn’t good for them letting your addiction be stronger than your self control is not a good look to me. Don’t want my daughter seeing that kinda thing in my home at least

Thanks for your post. Whole goal is to have a good role model for my daughter since her mom can’t be that for her at all. A man can’t raise a good woman just like a mom can’t raise a good man alone. Firmly believe that

 

[Bible_Belt]

Exactly on the toxic intent. Her friend group at work are a bad influence on her in my opinion. She has addiction issues in her past, going to go work there she started vaping because the coworkers do. Again not a huge deal but for a wife, no go for me. I don’t want or need someone the doesn’t have the ability to say no to something that isn’t good for them letting your addiction be stronger than your self control is not a good look to me. Don’t want my daughter seeing that kinda thing in my home at least

Thanks for your post. Whole goal is to have a good role model for my daughter since her mom can’t be that for her at all. A man can’t raise a good woman just like a mom can’t raise a good man alone. Firmly believe that

I swear I mean this constructively. You sound really judgmental. Her fashion, her habits, her coworkers. That attitude is toxic to a relationship....most of the time. There are some women who like it, probably in a masochistic sort of way...but that's me being judmental. It's easy to do.

 

[Vanderdonck]

Well like you said she can do what she wants, and you can too. No point in trying to control anyone.

Years ago I was with a girl who told me she was going to get a job at a breastaurant so she could make fat tips (she had huge boobs). Not a main job mind you but moonlighting.

I told her I wasn't going to date someone who worked there. She went on a whole argument about the justifications, her rationales, right to do so etc. I said I agree with all of that, but I don't have to date a t!tty waitress, it's my choice. She dropped it.

 

[BillyPilgrim]

For phucks sake OP move out of Los Angeles on account of both the environment and the quality of potential surrogate moms.

 

[dk1990S111]

For phucks sake OP move out of Los Angeles on account of both the environment and the quality of potential surrogate moms.

Thankfully I haven’t lived in LA for about 7 years lol just haven’t been on here in a while. Kinda in a smallish is town now but it’s a retirement area so not a whole lot of younger women

 

[dk1990S111]

I swear I mean this constructively. You sound really judgmental. Her fashion, her habits, her coworkers. That attitude is toxic to a relationship....most of the time. There are some women who like it, probably in a masochistic sort of way...but that's me being judmental. It's easy to do.

Well with my ex I let a whole lot slide ignoring a lot of red flags. Had 7-8 tattoos when I got with her. My dad was trained by an aerospace company to be able to read people. A lot of what he was taught was passed on to me. With the divorce rate being what it is now, doesn’t hurt to look at your potential “life partner” objectively

 

[The Duke]

If you stick with this girl, you will continue to hear more of "I don't care what you think". The issue isn't the nose ring, the issue is she doesn't value others opinions nor does she care to understand other points of view. That will create major problems in your relationship. There will be way more difficult issues than this that pop up. At some point if you move her in, you will regret your decision and regret the negative impact it has on your daughter.

My GF has her nipples pierced. She asked me what I thought. I told her I like how it looks but don't like tasting metal in my mouth. ;-). She doesn't wear them anymore. Good for her she didn't tell me "I don't care what you think.".

A good woman will ask you your thoughts before she goes out and does something like this.

 

[Bokanovsky]

A single mom who gets a nose ring at the age of 30 because everyone else at work got one? Yes, that's a red flag.

 

[Solomon]

Well with my ex I let a whole lot slide ignoring a lot of red flags. Had 7-8 tattoos when I got with her. My dad was trained by an aerospace company to be able to read people. A lot of what he was taught was passed on to me. With the divorce rate being what it is now, doesn’t hurt to look at your potential “life partner” objectively

You seem to have a string of going for women who don't align with your values and morals, personally with the chick with the piercing, if you're not dating her casually than why even waste yor time entertaing her at all? it seems you want someone intentional but the women you're picking sound like they are only good for "play play"

 

[BackInTheGame78]

If you stick with this girl, you will continue to hear more of "I don't care what you think". The issue isn't the nose ring, the issue is she doesn't value others opinions nor does she care to understand other points of view. That will create major problems in your relationship. There will be way more difficult issues than this that pop up. At some point if you move her in, you will regret your decision and regret the negative impact it has on your daughter.

My GF has her nipples pierced. She asked me what I thought. I told her I like how it looks but don't like tasting metal in my mouth. ;-). She doesn't wear them anymore. Good for her she didn't tell me "I don't care what you think.".

A good woman will ask you your thoughts before she goes out and does something like this.

The issue is she doesn't respect him. At least not to the level where marrying her would make any sense.

Might not be his fault, she may just not be into him that much but may see him as a safe option.

Also, once you walk away from someone once, you should stay walked away permanently.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

You seem to have a string of going for women who don't align with your values and morals, personally with the chick with the piercing, if you're not dating her casually than why even waste yor time entertaing her at all? it seems you want someone intentional but the women you're picking sound like they are only good for "play play"

What you are able to get versus what you actually want can be two different things.

He likely could find someone who isn't as attractive to fit what he wants personality wise, but wants the whole package.

While that's best case scenario, sometimes in life you have to accept "realistic case scenario" as well.

Most women in the age group he is looking in that fit what he wants have been scooped up long ago and smart guys aren't letting them go anytime soon.

So essentially the pool of women he gets to choose from, by default, do not display the full set of characteristics he wants, they are all flawed in some way.

Essentially OP, you have to pick the flaws you can live with long-term at this point with women.

Looking for needles in haystacks for a long time usually just ends up with you having a lot of hay in your clothes, shoes, hair and mouth and a lot of itchiness. Might want to be a little more realistic and accept you aren't going to find 100% of what you want with the pool of women available to you.

 

[Doctor Europeo]

Someone marrying her: