Reality just hit

[zerocelcius]

Whoomp there it is!

You get a gold Star!

 

[ikkenai]

You'll find that many of the most observant and knowledgable DJ's are ones that had untapped potential, and it wasn't until they made great strides to change themselves that they started having success in life and with women.

If highschool-era ikkenai and current-era ikkenai could meet, they wouldn't recognize each other.

You're afraid of shattering the image you've made of yourself, because you're afraid of swallowing the pill that MAYBE you're wrong, maybe you've wasted all the time you've invested in reinforcing this image of yourself. You take a sick comfort in thinking "oh, I could never do this, I could never pull this chick, I could never have success in this area."

Am I making assumptions? Think hard about it, and perhaps you'll understand. Believe me, self-doubt and unwillingness to change are things you'll struggle with at some level no matter how far you advance.

 

[Sloopy]

Originally posted by SELF-MASTERY
I think the poise is from being treated as if she/he is important. We talked about this sh.it in my interpersonal comm class last week: People who are treated well by their peer group from an early will always be treated well, things can change, but for the most part they will always have that something special. For nerd boy to get that same inner confidence is going to take some hard work, not carring is not confidence...

I used to be treated horribly in middleschool. I was miserable. All my friends just kept me around to make fun of me and give me a hard time. I just sat at home and read books ALL the time. In High school, I came out of my shell a little bit. I got a hot girlfriend (who knows how THAT happened) and that gave me a little respect. I am a smart, witty guy and I know how to speak but it has been a long process to learn those things. I have spent many, many, many hours analyzing speech patterns and habits of the unpopular or unliked people I see around me. I search for those attributes in myself and I eliminate them. These include things like:

- laughing at your own jokes
- justifying your punchlines until they lose all comedic value
- avoiding eye-contact and looking at the ground when you walk
- slumping posture
- never smiling
- speaking too softly OR too loudly
- letting people push you around, even your own guy-friends.
- worrying too much about how people view you and not how you view yourself

And there's tons more. But let me tell you - these are all things I discovered on my OWN before finding this site. So if you have it all laid out for you, there is no reason that you can't make that change. I don't care how you phrase your defense - I can find another example that proves it wrong. Your attitude is the what keeps you from succeeding. If you have that attitude now, it does not mean you were confident for a while but it didn't work so you stopped being confident. It means that you were NEVER truly confident in the first place.

Try harder. Don't blame the forum for your own self-doubt.

~Sloopy

 

[nishbuk]

If highschool-era ikkenai and current-era ikkenai could meet, they wouldn't recognize each other.

Same here!

My highschool self would be saying, "What happened to you! You used to be such a nice guy! You would do anything for people no matter how ****ty they treated you! That's the IDEAL!"

My college self would say "Grow a penis, you vagina.".

 

[BigFoot]

You don't have a successful job that FULFILLS you as a person, you probably don't have as much money as you want. You probably haven't found a life purpose. You probably haven't been all that successful with women...

Sorry Nishbuk, you are totally wrong (and sorry, I must once again refer to your youth). In my case, I have a very successful career, high income, have more money than I know what to do with alot of the time, and have always had a girlfriend or wife since I was about 15 years old. My problem is, I'm not happy with my relationship situation, and I realize I'm trapped to some degree by my limitations. Sure, a person can change superficial things, but when your problem is likely personality or ingrained attributes, it's difficult to change - difficult to change if you even knew what those issues were - when does a female or anyone give you usefull info. about yourself so you can change ?
Rare to never.

 

[ketostix]

Sorry to say it, but I agree with Bigfoot to a large extent. There's really only so much self help and improvment one can do. One needs help, input and cooperation from others, but in reality no one, male or female even supposedly friends, is really going to help you improve your sticking points. In reality, it was other people that probably caused and molded you into the shape you are.

 

[Tazman]

I agree that you can "modify" certain behaviors but I'm skeptical of people who say they've completely changed their attitude/mannerisms. I'm an introverted person, although I have moments of "extrovertedness" I'm still a shy guy at heart. People say "oh if you're shy it's a sign of insecurity," and I do believe that it can play a part, but it isn't that simple. I've been this way my whole life, even as a kid I was shy, but I was still on this "high" because I didn't worry about anything: girls, looks, etc. I simply did whatever brought me enjoyment.

I've never backed down in a fight (I've won maybe 2/3 of the fights I've been in, and I'm a small guy to boot), in highschool, I actually asked a few girls out. If I'm angry enough I can be very loud and my body language changes. Those are what I'd call "moments" of extrovertedness, and that's not everything. However, I don't think it's possible for me to change who I am, I'll always be who I am.

I look at an Uncle of mine who is very extroverted, and it's just something he IS. He didn't work at it, he's had ups and downs like anyone else, but he craves socializing with people because that's what makes him comfortable. I crave it at times, but not like him, he NEEDS it a lot more. I have definitely modified my behavior to make myself more successful with women but I don't think it's possible to change who I am inside.

 

[Tazman]

I agree that you can "modify" certain behaviors but I'm skeptical of people who say they've completely changed their attitude/mannerisms. I'm an introverted person, although I have moments of "extrovertedness" I'm still a shy guy at heart. People say "oh if you're shy it's a sign of insecurity," and I do believe that it can play a part, but it isn't that simple. I've been this way my whole life, even as a kid I was shy, but I was still on this "high" because I didn't worry about anything: girls, looks, etc. I simply did whatever brought me enjoyment.

I've never backed down in a fight (I've won maybe 2/3 of the fights I've been in, and I'm a small guy to boot), in highschool, I actually asked a few girls out. If I'm angry enough I can be very loud and my body language changes. Those are what I'd call "moments" of extrovertedness, and that's not everything. However, I don't think it's possible for me to change who I am, I'll always be who I am.

I look at an Uncle of mine who is very extroverted, and it's just something he IS. He didn't work at it, he's had ups and downs like anyone else, but he craves socializing with people because that's what makes him comfortable. I crave it at times, but not like him, he NEEDS it a lot more. I have definitely modified my behavior to make myself more successful with women but I don't think it's possible to change who I am inside "fundamentally." I believe the guys who go from shy person in the corner to "life of the party" always had the "potential."

 

[MrLuvr]

Originally posted by BigFoot
I've read Doc Love, read the discussion groups, watched others who are successful, gained alot of experience myself, and realized something: most people probably can't change their attractiveness or relationship success all that much.
We are basically born with certain looks and characteristics; we then develop those somewhat through our early learning experiences. After that, it's very difficult to change those basic attributes.
Some people have it, some don't.

Sorry, but you sound like someone that has GIVEN UP.

I am 38, I have been working out continuously for 6 months. I look better NOW than I did when I was 28. I was down in the mall the other day and I had teen girls giving me eye contact. My posture is better, clothes fit me better, I feel more confident. You need to take care of yourself.

Yes, it might get harder as you get older. But, that is why you have keep pushing yourself. Push, push, push. Everytime you feel like you are slacking off think about the prize, think about your goal and you will get there.

It is never too late to be the person you want to be.

 

[BigFoot]

Thanks Taz and Keto.
I also think it's interesting that a person can read something like a DocLove book, understand it, and yet not be able to apply all of it. This seems similar to someone who is well-read on a subject (such as a Professor at a University) but who cannot actually work in that field. There are many points DocLove makes that make perfect sense, but the problem is how to do those things in real life. He makes it seem "simple" - follow a few common sense rules and all will be well, but in reality the inability to apply those principles in real life is the problem.

 

[BigFoot]

I haven't given up Luvr, but last night I realized I have some real limitations, and they are not easy to change even if one knew what they were. I agree changing superficial things like your appearance is pretty easy.

 

[MrLuvr]

Originally posted by BigFoot
I haven't given up Luvr, but last night I realized I have some real limitations, and they are not easy to change even if one knew what they were. I agree changing superficial things like your appearance is pretty easy.

Yes, but that is what gives you the confidence that you can build on to do other things. If you look good, you feel good. If you feel good, you have the confidence to go up and start that conversation with that cute girl you have been eyeing.

Maybe your expectations are too high. Yes, some people are born with it. The rest of us have to try harder. It doesn't mean we don't do it, it just means that we have to work at it. That is all. What is the alternative?

 

[BigFoot]

Thanks MrLuvr. I HAVE worked at it , in fact I'm the type of person that is constantly trying to improve in a number of areas, but I have found I have limitations in maintaining relationships with women (women that I really want that is) that I seem to be repeating and that are probably part of my basic character and not changeable.

 

[Pfeile]

Originally posted by Tazman
I agree that you can "modify" certain behaviours but I'm sceptical of people who say they've completely changed their attitude/mannerisms. I'm an introverted person; although I have moments of "extrovertedness" I'm still a shy guy at heart.

I don't think it's possible for me to change who I am, I'll always be who I am.

I have definitely modified my behaviour to make myself more successful with women but I don't think it's possible to change who I am inside.

I used to be like you. I used to tell myself those exact same things. But that was the problem:
I was perpetuating self-limiting beliefs upon myself.

Yes you are introverted, I am too. All introverted means is that you get your stimulation, inspiration, drive and ambition from within yourself; from within your own world of thoughts and reflections, as opposed to an extrovert who does so from the outer world of people and things.

But being shy is not the same as being introverted. Shyness is a sign of insecurity. Shyness is a symptom of fear. No one is born shy. But some people (like you and I) are born more susceptible to becoming shy.

Up until only very recently, I had created an inferiority complex in my mind because of the fact that I was introverted. 75% of people in the world are extroverted, 25% are introverted. People like you and I are in the minority. I felt that I should be ‘normal’ like the majority of people, and because I wasn’t, I felt inferior.

But today I have come to realise that there is nothing wrong with being introverted. One type is not better than the other. They are just different.

The only reason I believed I was inferior was because of all the negative attributes one usually associates with being introverted: shy, insecure, antisocial, sensitive, weak and vulnerable. But introvert is not a synonym for any of these words.

OK, maybe the majority of introverted people are shy etc. but only because they have let themselves become so. And I completely understand that because I’ve been doing so my whole life too.

But I’ve come to accept myself, and I’ve figured out who I want to be. I know now that I can be whoever I want.

And this is the most empowering thing that I have ever realised in my entire life.

So I’ve been shy and insecure my whole life. So I haven’t been the life of the party. So fücking what. Why can’t I change now? Just because I’ve been like that forever, there is no reason why I can’t change now.

So don’t tell yourself it’s not possible “to change who I am inside” because it is. The same goes for the rest of you who believe it is impossible to change who you are. You’ve got to ask yourself, am I really happy being who I am now, or am I just telling myself that because I am afraid to change?

I came to this site because I wanted to find out how to get some girl to love me. But instead I found out how to love myself.

And I have done so because firstly I have come to accept who I am and secondly, I realise that I can change the things I don’t like about myself. And all of you can too.

It’s all about choice. You can be whoever you choose to be. You have complete control over only one thing in the whole word; your thoughts. And your thoughts are created by your beliefs. If you believe you can change, you will.

I haven’t done it yet; I haven’t completely become who I want to be, but I just know that I will someday.

The only thing stopping you from doing every single thing you’ve ever wanted is yourself. So don’t hold yourself back.

 

[animal crackers]

How do you change your skin quality?

 

[nishbuk]

Originally posted by animal crackers
How do you change your skin quality?

There are many ways that you can make your skin better looking/virbant.

But that's not really the point. The thing that really matters is how you feel in RELATION to your skin quality. And how you let it affect you. This is what seperates the chumps from the champs.

I'm not hot. My face is avg. My body which I work my ass of for, is what is my saving grace. Even with it, I'm probably only about a 7. But guess what? I don't give a ****. My viewpoint in RELATION to my looks is what gives me power.

 

[Derek Flint]

Look at some of the biggest name's in "the community"

Guys like Mystery, who didn't get laid until he was 21

Or someone like Twenty-Six, thus named because he didn't get laid until he was 26

Limiting beliefs suck, and there are many things abot yourself that you can change for the better.

Physical appearance is the easiest thing to change.

Losing weight, gaining muscle, getting a tan, getting a stylish haircut, whitening/fixing your teeth, dressing sharp are all things that are attainable for the average guy.

Internal changes are sometimes harder to accomplish, but are just as doable, but they don't have to cost you a penny, as much of that information is right here on this forum and is free.

 

[MrLuvr]

Originally posted by BigFoot
Thanks MrLuvr. I HAVE worked at it , in fact I'm the type of person that is constantly trying to improve in a number of areas, but I have found I have limitations in maintaining relationships with women (women that I really want that is) that I seem to be repeating and that are probably part of my basic character and not changeable.

Tell us what specifically you are trying to change in your character and maybe in your relationships and let us see what we can come up with.