Well gentlemen, I'm starting this thread today because my current serious relationship - without a doubt the finest I've ever enjoyed to date - will probably be coming to an end.
That sounds a little wishy-washy, but let me explain.
She's been living here for about a year, on a tourist visa, from Brazil. She came here with plenty of money saved up, but now it's almost all dried up. Her master's in computer science has elicited nary a peep from employers, because of her foreign status and this recession. She's gotten by on some freelance web design work, until recently, as she realized she'd have to do more manual labor to earn some cash for now (kitchen work, apartment cleaning, and the like).
Throughout her attitude has been 100% positive, and she's been a terrific girlfriend in every sense - takes care of me at home, keeps arguments civil and in check, great in bed, charming to all she meets. Honestly, the near-lack of sh!t tests only worry me insofar as I might be losing some edge as a guy - but in reality these things have built me up into something much better than I was before.
In spite of all of this, her status as a foreigner has dangled above my head like the sword of Damocles. She's stretched her tourist visa about as far as it can go, and like I said her finances are stretched pretty thin, too. Predictably, the M-word has been an elephant in the room - although she's never pressured me about it. It sits there as a potential means to keep things moving.
Don't get me wrong - I'm not against marriage in general or marrying her in particular, down the road. But one of the things I've resolved since being on SS is that I will marry when it's right for me. Unfortunately, or fortunately, after plenty of thought, I just cannot in good faith execute a decision like that without being 100% sure. And right now I'm not sure it's what I want.
We had a serious discussion about it last night, and I had to explain that I just don't believe in marrying because it solves another problem. It's amazing to me how simple a "solution" it seems to other people, even good friends of mine. "Why don't you just get married?" many people ask when I tell them about her struggles to find work in the US. My response is that to ask a man that question is the equivalent of asking a woman, "why don't you just have his baby?" Because to me, it's that big of a game-changer.
And so, besides dealing with the blubbering mess of tears last night, today I find myself trying to keep my empathy in serious check. I've been personally wrestling with this for some time, so I knew I'd have to make a decision sooner of later, but all the preparation in the world doesn't make it any more fun. It was like telling her she had terminal cancer. Not to mention the pangs of a distant sensation - Oneitis - have crept up, asking me to question my own sanity and how I could pull the plug on something that was otherwise going so well.
What I'm asking now is support - or criticism - from you guys. I feel like men make harder decisions than this every day and it should be no big deal. I'm 34, just hitting my stride, and I just don't feel ready for one woman for the rest of my life. The fact that she was willing and eager to work her a$$ off for peanuts just to stay with me longer made me realize I should be fair to her about this, because she told me if it weren't for me she'd head back to Brazil and start over at this point.
I should add that she doesn't really want to have kids - somewhat of a deal breaker in and of itself. I'm not sure I want to either, but I don't really want to close the door on that possibility.
That sounds a little wishy-washy, but let me explain.
She's been living here for about a year, on a tourist visa, from Brazil. She came here with plenty of money saved up, but now it's almost all dried up. Her master's in computer science has elicited nary a peep from employers, because of her foreign status and this recession. She's gotten by on some freelance web design work, until recently, as she realized she'd have to do more manual labor to earn some cash for now (kitchen work, apartment cleaning, and the like).
Throughout her attitude has been 100% positive, and she's been a terrific girlfriend in every sense - takes care of me at home, keeps arguments civil and in check, great in bed, charming to all she meets. Honestly, the near-lack of sh!t tests only worry me insofar as I might be losing some edge as a guy - but in reality these things have built me up into something much better than I was before.
In spite of all of this, her status as a foreigner has dangled above my head like the sword of Damocles. She's stretched her tourist visa about as far as it can go, and like I said her finances are stretched pretty thin, too. Predictably, the M-word has been an elephant in the room - although she's never pressured me about it. It sits there as a potential means to keep things moving.
Don't get me wrong - I'm not against marriage in general or marrying her in particular, down the road. But one of the things I've resolved since being on SS is that I will marry when it's right for me. Unfortunately, or fortunately, after plenty of thought, I just cannot in good faith execute a decision like that without being 100% sure. And right now I'm not sure it's what I want.
We had a serious discussion about it last night, and I had to explain that I just don't believe in marrying because it solves another problem. It's amazing to me how simple a "solution" it seems to other people, even good friends of mine. "Why don't you just get married?" many people ask when I tell them about her struggles to find work in the US. My response is that to ask a man that question is the equivalent of asking a woman, "why don't you just have his baby?" Because to me, it's that big of a game-changer.
And so, besides dealing with the blubbering mess of tears last night, today I find myself trying to keep my empathy in serious check. I've been personally wrestling with this for some time, so I knew I'd have to make a decision sooner of later, but all the preparation in the world doesn't make it any more fun. It was like telling her she had terminal cancer. Not to mention the pangs of a distant sensation - Oneitis - have crept up, asking me to question my own sanity and how I could pull the plug on something that was otherwise going so well.
What I'm asking now is support - or criticism - from you guys. I feel like men make harder decisions than this every day and it should be no big deal. I'm 34, just hitting my stride, and I just don't feel ready for one woman for the rest of my life. The fact that she was willing and eager to work her a$$ off for peanuts just to stay with me longer made me realize I should be fair to her about this, because she told me if it weren't for me she'd head back to Brazil and start over at this point.
I should add that she doesn't really want to have kids - somewhat of a deal breaker in and of itself. I'm not sure I want to either, but I don't really want to close the door on that possibility.