Hello Friend,

If this is your first visit to SoSuave, I would advise you to START HERE.

It will be the most efficient use of your time.

And you will learn everything you need to know to become a huge success with women.

Thank you for visiting and have a great day!

Putting DJ Principles to the Test Ain't Always Easy

romangod

Master Don Juan
Joined
Sep 20, 2004
Messages
1,074
Reaction score
47
Location
Canada
samspade said:
It's just...am I ready? It sounds like such a vapid, almost effeminate, question. But it's what I keep coming back to.

I'm just a little lost. Someone set me straight here.
That little voice in your head asking if you're ready is a sign that you are not ready. It usually doesn't lie and is trying to protect you. Don't ignore it.


Cheers!
 

Warning!

Do not subscribe to The SoSuave Newsletter unless you are already a chick magnet!

The information in each issue is too powerful for most guys to handle. If you are an ordinary guy, it is not for you. It is meant for the elite few – not the unwashed masses.

image

If you think you can handle it...

If you already have girls calling you at all hours of the day and night, showing up at your door, throwing themselves at you everywhere you go...

Then sign up below.

But if you're just an average Joe, an ordinary guy, no one special – and wish to continue being so – then skip this. It's too much power for you.

Kailex

Master Don Juan
Joined
Jan 3, 2010
Messages
2,084
Reaction score
186
Location
New Jersey
samspade said:
So let's just say that all things being equal, I would still consider marrying her, but the debate wouldn't be so imperative because I'd have time.
.
The fact that you couldn't say "YES" and nothing else, means that you are definitely not ready. You love the idea of being with her, you think she's great, but you absolutely are NOT sure of whether you want to marry her or not.

The time frame might actually be working in your favor, whether you choose to see that or not.

This is what originally troubled me:

Of course, now she's had it and is ready to pack it in and go back to Brazil.
What do you mean by "now she's had it"? Is she REALLY upset about not getting married? Is she angry? Is she acting out because she is realizing that her last option for staying in the USA is "considering" marriage as an option?
 

samspade

Master Don Juan
Joined
Jan 5, 2008
Messages
6,212
Reaction score
2,622
Location
Colorado Panhandle
She's not acting out. Let me explain -

I already had a moment like this last month. That was turbulent enough, but we got through it and have had a great time since. This is the second time I've questioned things.

If we don't get married, she can't stay here and the relationship ends. She's already extended her visa once. She can't find good work and is working at a lunch counter for cash. She has to return to Brazil if we don't marry as she doesn't want to overstay her visa.

I don't believe she is upset about not getting married but about not continuing together. She doesn't want to stay in the USA otherwise. I know it's easy for a third party to doubt that, but you'll have to take me at my word. If we break up, she will go home and resume her career in IT.

When I say she's "had it" I mean I've basically broken her heart twice and I think she's tired of the vacillating and thinks I'll never be ready. By "ready" she means to execute the marriage to continue the relationship. i guess I see it as something bigger than that.
 

Jeffst1980

Master Don Juan
Joined
Apr 22, 2008
Messages
835
Reaction score
113
I've been there before. A few months ago, actually.
I chose to break it off because it wasn't the right time for me. Was it hard to do? You bet. Do I regret it? Not a bit.

What I've found is that WHATEVER you chose in such a situation isn't nearly as significant as we make it out to be.

Anytime I've been truly terrified that a girl I'm dating is irreplaceable, I've managed to find a replacement. This isn't dumb luck; it's the reality that there are no soulmates.

Of course, at the the time of any breakup, the idea of losing someone forever sounds so dramatic and life-altering that we naturally put off such a decision as long as we possibly can. One hundred years of Western cinema (and nearly one thousand years of literature!) has certainly beat us over the head with the concept of lost love, and making a decision to let someone go is incredibly painful.

Once it's done, though, you'll find that our hardwired adaptability, if you will, kicks into gear, and any doubts you once had disappear. Sure, you'll think about her now and again, and it'll pain you a bit, but you'll get over it.

The funny thing is, according to my married friends, you will go through the same process if you decide to MARRY her. Meaning, you will adapt to the new role that is required of you, and accept your lot, so to speak. You will NEVER be ready for marriage, because lifelong pair bonding isn't really a natural thing for us. There will ALWAYS be doubts, and when you are married, you WILL wish you were single from time to time, and you WILL get sick of sleeping with the same person. That's just life. But, no matter which path you choose, your happiness still comes from within. The path you choose is only "life-changing" because you have NO WAY of knowing the alternative path.

It seems very anti-DJ to say that it doesn't matter if you marry her or not, but it's important to know that you will adapt either way. Obviously, if there were major red flags involved, I'd say let her go and don't look back. But, this is obviously a tough call for you, and I respect whatever you choose.

My own decision was to take the most conservative route: A man can get married at nearly any age, so why make such a commitment in the first third of my life? I figure that life is more interesting for single folk, and I'd rather wait until I know I want kids before making any kind of commitment. Despite this, I know that if I chose to get married, I'd get used to it. She was a good girl, so I can't say that I "dodged a bullet."

Whatever you chose, you're gonna be ok in the long run, so relax your mind a bit. Don't do something just because SHE wants it, though - this decision should be about what YOU want to do. Don't feel guilty if you're not feeling marriage just yet; she'll be ok in the long run, too.
 

samspade

Master Don Juan
Joined
Jan 5, 2008
Messages
6,212
Reaction score
2,622
Location
Colorado Panhandle
Wow, great advice, Jeffst1980. That really helped a lot. The one thing I've been reminding myself is that this is not life or death. Sure, it's a big decision, but life will go on - either way.

I just have to figure out which way I want to go.
 
Read the 22 Rules for Massive Success with Women. Everything you need to know to become a huge success with women. And it's free!

Kailex

Master Don Juan
Joined
Jan 3, 2010
Messages
2,084
Reaction score
186
Location
New Jersey
Shotgun wedding?
I just saw your post in the other thread saying you JUST GOT MARRIED.

So what changed your mind???
 

samspade

Master Don Juan
Joined
Jan 5, 2008
Messages
6,212
Reaction score
2,622
Location
Colorado Panhandle
I took a day off in peace and quiet and thought it through. I had to get off the boards, away from my then-girlfriend, and just analyze and decide.

I decided that I really loved my girlfriend and wanted to continue with her. I had accepted the possibility of breaking up and was okay with that, and also accepted the possibility of marrying and giving up the single life. Once I boiled it down and decided I was okay with EITHER outcome, I felt like I could execute my decision on my terms. The biggest problem for me was that the marriage had seemed to take on a life of its own, and I wanted to make the decision, first personally, and then formally to her.

That's it. I didn't buy a ring, I didn't get on one knee, I simply told her I wanted to get married and build a life together. (I know that sounds cheesy.) When I said the words, I knew I meant them. She's really an amazing woman and I have no lingering reservations.

I do thank you, Kailex, and others for your advice. I know it sounds like I "caved" or was stricken with one-itis, so you'll just have to take my word for it that I put myself in charge of the decision, made it, and own it.
 

Kailex

Master Don Juan
Joined
Jan 3, 2010
Messages
2,084
Reaction score
186
Location
New Jersey
I'm not going to come into this thread to tell you that you made a wrong or right decision, I just wanted an update, since I was shocked to see what you posted in the other thread.

I do wish you the best of luck though. I won't be the one to hang a black cloud over your sunny day.

Congratulations, sam.
 

HeMan

Don Juan
Joined
Feb 17, 2009
Messages
113
Reaction score
2
sam

im in the same situation with you as my girlfriend is going home next may. she is such an awesome girl and i really click with her

very scary knowing i will be in the same position as yourself next year. cant stop thinking about it to be honest.

right now i think your making the right decision. i would probably do the same thing if i had to choose right now

biggest concern is what happens if you guys have children then breakup and she wants to take the children back to brazil. will bring lots of complications for you. know a couple in similar situation and its extremely hard for both of them
 

samspade

Master Don Juan
Joined
Jan 5, 2008
Messages
6,212
Reaction score
2,622
Location
Colorado Panhandle
HeMan said:
sam

im in the same situation with you as my girlfriend is going home next may. she is such an awesome girl and i really click with her

very scary knowing i will be in the same position as yourself next year. cant stop thinking about it to be honest.

right now i think your making the right decision. i would probably do the same thing if i had to choose right now

biggest concern is what happens if you guys have children then breakup and she wants to take the children back to brazil. will bring lots of complications for you. know a couple in similar situation and its extremely hard for both of them
Well, you have until May so try not to stress about it now. Just enjoy your time. You never know - you might get tired of her and break up with her before then (or vice versa).

My only advice is that you have to prepare yourself for the possibility of ending it and being alone. Don't consider marriage to be some inevitable solution. If we had broken up, I'd have been sad for a while, but I would also be ready to get back on the horse and date again, no question. Yeah, you click with her, but you can click with a lot of women, trust me.
 
Read the 22 Rules for Massive Success with Women. Everything you need to know to become a huge success with women. And it's free!

drak_ool

Master Don Juan
Joined
Nov 14, 2007
Messages
768
Reaction score
21
SamSpade, thank you for the very insightful post into your situation, how you solved it and your train of thought in the process. I find it really priceless as I am in a similar situation.

Just one point I would like to bring up, which I don't think was explored enough in this thread: the cohabitation of DJ principles and marriage. At one point, in one of your posts you said "I just don't think I'm ready to marry yet, or if I'll ever be." At first I thought "man, what is he thinking about, he's already 34, etc..." (no offense to you though!)

But the more I thought about it, the more it dawned on me that marriage is NEVER compatible with the way of the DJ. If your goal in life is to screw as many gorgeous women as you can without making a firm commitment to any of them, how can you get married? Marriage simply flies in the face of all the principles we talk about on here.

But then you start asking yourself this question: how long do you want to be a DJ for? do you ever want kids? Because it seems that a DJ could never successfully raise his kids as he is constantly running around chasing tail...

So at one point in your life you might consider settling, not because of society's expectations, feminist propaganda, etc..., but simply because you want kids and you want to support them both emotionally and financially by being an integral part of their day to day life.
 

bcude

Senior Don Juan
Joined
May 31, 2019
Messages
465
Reaction score
674
Age
38
Bumping this old thread because i'm curious how it continued with this woman.
Lots of respect to you Sam for being vulnerable, honest and straight up and really weighing pros and cons before taking the decision to give her the ultimate commitment.
There's some great advice in this thread already and i've nothing really to contribute with, except this:

I should add that she doesn't really want to have kids - somewhat of a deal breaker in and of itself.
A woman never wants kids, until she does.... It's something i take with a grain of salt because that view changes as her circumstances and point in life changes. There comes a point in life for every woman where this biological drive becomes too strong to ignore and it's very very rare to not give in to this for any healthy woman.
But i'm sure you know this already by now.
 

Lynx nkaf

Master Don Juan
Joined
Nov 17, 2019
Messages
793
Reaction score
406
Sounds to me like you're living life on your own terms. Not bowing to societal or pvssy pressure. And with those deal breakers in place, there is nothing more for you to do but to walk away. Remember making a choice closes possibilities, that's just the nature of choosing.

Of course she could have been playing the long game all long, softening you up for the kill. I'd be wary of a new side of her emerging after this. Look for the signs.
+1 look for the new side emerging...oh this is from 2010, lol, how did it go?
 

Lynx nkaf

Master Don Juan
Joined
Nov 17, 2019
Messages
793
Reaction score
406
Bumping this old thread because i'm curious how it continued with this woman.
Lots of respect to you Sam for being vulnerable, honest and straight up and really weighing pros and cons before taking the decision to give her the ultimate commitment.
There's some great advice in this thread already and i've nothing really to contribute with, except this:



A woman never wants kids, until she does.... It's something i take with a grain of salt because that view changes as her circumstances and point in life changes. There comes a point in life for every woman where this biological drive becomes too strong to ignore and it's very very rare to not give in to this for any healthy woman.
But i'm sure you know this already by now.
That's what I think about men now bcude, based on personal experience.
He'll say he doesn't want kids....until suddenly he does.


DJing 25 years from now I promise I will still be only looking for single, unattached and available men that are sterile or have had a vasectomy.


Because they seem to change their mind.
 

samspade

Master Don Juan
Joined
Jan 5, 2008
Messages
6,212
Reaction score
2,622
Location
Colorado Panhandle
Yikes lol. This is an old-a$$ thread. I cringe when I see how I was, but we all live and learn.

It turned out well with her, but it didn't last. It was fun while it did.

In fact, I told her I wanted a divorce. I guess I'm that unicorn guy that initiated a divorce. Quite frankly I was miserable, not because of her but because of me. I made a mistake. She was cool most of the time and we got along.

But really, the whole thing was more like a relationship with paperwork. It sucked splitting up, but she agreed and there were no lawyers involved. No kids either. We're on good terms these days though we don't talk often.

I have no regrets. It just wasn't right for me, long term. If we hadn't been from different countries, it would have just been another serious LTR. I was stricken with guilt for about a year, but I made peace with it.
 
Read the 22 Rules for Massive Success with Women. Everything you need to know to become a huge success with women. And it's free!

Lynx nkaf

Master Don Juan
Joined
Nov 17, 2019
Messages
793
Reaction score
406
Yikes lol. This is an old-a$$ thread. I cringe when I see how I was, but we all live and learn.

It turned out well with her, but it didn't last. It was fun while it did.

In fact, I told her I wanted a divorce. I guess I'm that unicorn guy that initiated a divorce. Quite frankly I was miserable, not because of her but because of me. I made a mistake. She was cool most of the time and we got along.

But really, the whole thing was more like a relationship with paperwork. It sucked splitting up, but she agreed and there were no lawyers involved. No kids either. We're on good terms these days though we don't talk often.

I have no regrets. It just wasn't right for me, long term. If we hadn't been from different countries, it would have just been another serious LTR. I was stricken with guilt for about a year, but I made peace with it.
you did marry her?
 

Lynx nkaf

Master Don Juan
Joined
Nov 17, 2019
Messages
793
Reaction score
406
missed it, wow my reading comprehension is off still, this will be the third time I've read it
 

samspade

Master Don Juan
Joined
Jan 5, 2008
Messages
6,212
Reaction score
2,622
Location
Colorado Panhandle
missed it, wow my reading comprehension is off still, this will be the third time I've read it
I'm the same way lol. I glossed over it. But I wrestled with the idea, then went ahead with it. The reason was I didn't want the relationship to end, I felt like it was going great. The marriage thing was just paperwork, at the time. But I bit off more than I could chew. Anyway, I wanted to be single again rather than cheat, or worse, turn into a miserable bytch and give her an excuse to cheat.
 

Lynx nkaf

Master Don Juan
Joined
Nov 17, 2019
Messages
793
Reaction score
406
Ah, Colossus, I was hoping you would chime in. Your situation is a lot like mine. And thanks everyone for your thoughts.

Having read and absorbed countless threads around here about commitments, quality (or lack thereof, existence of, etc.), and recognizing when a woman adds to your life, I feel like I have a fairly sober perspective on things - though it's colored enough with emotion to ask you guys for advice.

To be fair, my gf is not necessarily demanding marriage. She simply has a more utilitarian view of it right now because of her situation, whereas I'm naturally reticent. To her, marriage is the most obvious way of "continuing" the relationship. But to me, of course, marriage isn't just boyfriend and girlfriend happy fun time anymore.

As far as trying to make it work and stick around, I will admit that she is doing this - as I type this, she is in the next state, working 14 hour shifts in the kitchen of a country club, making very little money with barely enough break time to take a leak. Not once has she acted too proud to work for more scratch, and once she realized she needed to adjust her game plan, she did it. She has also paid $500 to extend her visa through the end of summer, but beyond that it's anyone's guess. So while I appreciate the notion that a woman should do what she can to stick around, the fact is that unless she gets a work visa, stays here illegally after August (which she won't do), or marries someone, part of it is out of her control.

This is what sucks - I feel like she's busted her a$$ and taken considerable risk to "prove" herself to me and be part of my life. Sure, she may have had visions of a simple marriage and passport, but I can at least say that her sense of self-worth makes her want to earn her place in the US just as she did in Brazil.



This is it exactly. I told her, if you ask me today if I'm ready to get married, the answer is no....two months from now? I have no idea. Believe me, there are times when I think I could be happy with her and her alone, but I'm just not ready yet. Rollo is right - no woman can ever fully understand the sacrifice a man makes when he marries. To a woman, they seem trivial - cutting off options and sharing your hard-earned wealth. For men, these are our two chief biological directives....spreading seed and producing assets.
yes, I see those sacrifices now.
 
Top