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Please help! My best friend is slowly killing himself.

kekePower

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Hey good folks.

My best friend of 40+ years is slowly killing himself. At times he drinks 1 bottle of whisky a day and he is bluepilled AF.

He's married to his second wife and they have a kid together. He believes, with his whole heart, that "A Happy Wife is a Happy Life". He's also one of the most stubborn guys I've ever known, but it's breaking my heart to see him THIS miserable.

The other day his wife decided to hit him over the head with one of those hand held vacuum cleaners when she was drunk and he called the cops on her. They turned up 2 days later after he did everything bluepilled to mend the relationship and it turned sour once again. Also, she's been gaining a lot of weight lately and as a Filipina girl, it doesn't look good.

What, if anything, can I do to wake him up? He always puts everybody else before himself and his life sucks because of this.

As an outsider and pretty redpilled, I can see the dynamic that's going on in his household.

This guy is my BFAM and if I can help him I will.

Thanks for any insights.
 

Mongo720

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Sadly nothing at all, detach and hope he figures it out. Alcoholism will slowly destroy those around your friend and can destroy you too. The alcoholic will only change when they decide they want CHANGE
Look into Al-Anon. Focus on detaching and learn what true enabling is...
I almost lost myself trying to change the woman I will love for the rest of my life.
 

KindredSpiritzz

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so your friends an alcoholic and so is the wife? He's probably gonna be hard pressed to find another woman that will put up with that, least a decent woman anyways. Men have to want to change, to want to swallow the red pill, you cant force them. It's his life, maybe he views it differently than you and he's just happy to have a woman period that tolerates his behavior. All you can do is tell him theres a different approach out there but hes got to want it. Id press him to get help with his drinking first and foremost and support that first step
 

kekePower

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He is, she's not. She was drunk just that one day and became violent.

I'm unable to visit him due to the pandemic. He lives in another country atm so I can't be there for him besides talking on the phone once in a while.

Once the travel restrictions are lifted, I'll be heading his way and really talk to him. I'm unable to walk away from this until either he is dead or I am.

Thanks for taking the time to respond to my plea. It is really appreciated.
 

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jimwho

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Get him on the phone. Screw the visit. Tell him to act nice to the wife because he's going to need her help BIGTIME.
A Bottle of whiskey a day habit will need serious mental/physical rehab and 24-7 support. If "If" he does what we all know he should, then all the other meaningless krap may go away. He's in deep doo-doo and could use help. You
Need him to really listen. Good luck.

A change from unhealthy habits to healthy habits will yield extraordinary results.
 
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Hey good folks.

My best friend of 40+ years is slowly killing himself. At times he drinks 1 bottle of whisky a day and he is bluepilled AF.

He's married to his second wife and they have a kid together. He believes, with his whole heart, that "A Happy Wife is a Happy Life". He's also one of the most stubborn guys I've ever known, but it's breaking my heart to see him THIS miserable.

The other day his wife decided to hit him over the head with one of those hand held vacuum cleaners when she was drunk and he called the cops on her. They turned up 2 days later after he did everything bluepilled to mend the relationship and it turned sour once again. Also, she's been gaining a lot of weight lately and as a Filipina girl, it doesn't look good.

What, if anything, can I do to wake him up? He always puts everybody else before himself and his life sucks because of this.

As an outsider and pretty redpilled, I can see the dynamic that's going on in his household.

This guy is my BFAM and if I can help him I will.

Thanks for any insights.
Hey brother

Thanks for reaching out to the community and seeking advice. That shows how much you care, so we all believe that you do. But we believe that is all you can do at this moment, seek support from the manosphere community. Not for his sake, but for your own as this is affecting you and potentially hindering your life to some extend.

There is no true blind as the one that does not wish to see. And that our friend, is the reality here. Your friend simply does not wish to see.

Another aspect of this issue, is you are imposing your perspective unto him. While we are not saying he is not miserable, that is up to him to validate not you, he might (for some unknown and strange reason) find that lifestyle comforting. This could be a false statement but you seem to be living in his misery more than he is. We hope that makes sense. Everyone lives their own reality.

This is made worse by the fact that:

1) You cannot visit due to the pandemic
2) He lives abroad

So literally your hands are tied.

The best thing you can do is focus on yourself and "be there" for him as much as possible without letting it affect your own life. Because at the end of the day, you need to live your own life.

Hopefully one day he wakes up and seeks help. But that, our friend, is completely and strictly up to him as much as you want to intervene.


Hope this helps and let us know if you have any questions or comments.


Cordially,
Modern Man Advice
 

Mongo720

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Do not jump in the monkey cage, you will only get hurt.
I know its counterintuitive..... love, family, kids, shame and rational thinking will make no difference and make you go crazy.
 

Serenity

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I'd be more worried about the kid having such parents, I know how that is and it absolutely sucks. As such I also know you can't do sh!t about his substance abuse. Believe me, I tried everything you could possibly imagine to change my mother, but she's still an addict, I wasted my own time and endured a lot of frustration.

If I can't appeal to a parent with all the strong arguments that could be used in that context, then there's not a chance in hell you'll be able to turn your friend around. He will fight back and you'll tear your friendship apart, there will be hell and in the end you will have achieved nothing for it.

He will have to turn himself around and all you can do is support him when/if he does. By all means try, but there's a LOT of people who have went down that road and none have succeeded unless the other person decided they wanted it.

You can't help him currently, we can't help you to help him, but we can help prevent you from going down a road you'll come to regret. That is if you are willing to listen.
 

ThisIsSparta

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What, if anything, can I do to wake him up?
You cant do anything, except watch him hit rock-bottom, hope he survives the impact and help him rebuild a life when he is ready to see and listen.

People in his position do not listen. They dont want to hear the truth and in the end they will get mad at YOU for constantly pestering them and maybe even think its all YOUR fault because you influenced them in a negative way all along.
 

samspade

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I'd be more worried about the kid having such parents, I know how that is and it absolutely sucks.
That was my reaction too: Help the kid if you want to help anyone. A man who drinks a bottle of whisky a day is not fit to be a parent. Neither is a woman who resorts to violence. But really, sadly, there's nothing you can do, people have to want to change for it to happen.
 

gettinit

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My ex was, and still is, a raging alcoholic. I watched a wonderful woman slowly fall into a hole and I tried for years to pull her out. DUI, public intoxication citations, falls, hospital visits, car damage, home damage, mental abuse and more. As the others have said, there is nothing you can do unless they want to get sober. I finally gave up trying and the only thing that I do is clear her place of alcohol if my kid is going to be spending any time with her. She HATES that I do that. Even knowing the rules, she still stashes bottles, knowing that the visit is cancelled if I find it. Priority one: A drink. There isn't any way to make sense of it and that is what makes it so hard to fix from the outside.

I tried to get her sober while living with her and it made my life a living hell without any resulting change. Considering your situation, I can't imagine your being able to break through. As far as getting hit with a vacuum, I can see that. My ex finally drove me to my breaking point and I was a half second from punching her. That was when I decided I had given my all and she was bringing out a part of me that I never want to see ever again. I made my exit.

I also had a very good friend since childhood go the same route and I was powerless there as well. It took a second DUI and another mutual friend dying of liver disease around the same time to wake him up.

The bottom line is that an alcoholic cares about nothing but the next drink. If your friend had a choice and it was between letting you fall off of a building or saving their bottle, there would be hesitation and quite possibly a choice you might not expect. "he might not die if he falls, but the bottle will certainty shatter".

If you have a good heart, you have to accept that its not your fault, nor your responsibility and free yourself of the burden. If you can't do that, you had better be ready to travel at a moments notice if you happen to catch him between binges. That would be the only time that you have any chance at all of getting him into a rehab.
 

Kotaix

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You could send him "no more mr nice guy" to read, address the nice guy syndrome and not the alcohol? It seems to be the symptom that he's treating with alcohol, but as others have said I doubt there is anything that can be done about it.
 

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Machine10033

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As his friend you are obligated to try and help him! Once you try.... you are done... you can’t force him... you can’t make him change! All you will do is get sucked into their chaos.
 

GT40

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They have to hit rock bottom. Then want the help. Then agree to get treatment.
just stay in touch at distance.
offer AA.
treatment ideas.
Not much you can do. They have to see There’s a problem.
 

FuzzX

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You can't help him. If he's into the booze he's going to stay there. My brother was a bad alcoholic, but you wouldn't see him doing it. It'll kill him eventually but you can't try to stop an addict, they'll hate you for it. Just be there for him but realize theres nothing you can do.
 

Grinderman

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At times he drinks 1 bottle of whisky a day
How do you know this?

The other day his wife decided to hit him over the head with one of those hand held vacuum cleaners when she was drunk and he called the cops on her. They turned up 2 days later after he did everything bluepilled to mend the relationship and it turned sour once again.
How do you know this?

Also, she's been gaining a lot of weight lately and as a Filipina girl, it doesn't look good.
How do you know this?

As an outsider and pretty redpilled, I can see the dynamic that's going on in his household.
How?

He is, she's not. She was drunk just that one day and became violent.
The term "alcoholic" is not really used these days (except by the loonies in the aa cult). I believe the medical profession call it alcohol abuse disorder, which ranges from mild to severe on a spectrum. So if what you say is true about the wife, she obviously abused alcohol to arrived in a drunken state which produced a violent outcome. Whereas, if he is drinking everyday then he has developed a dependence which despite what the billion dollar recovery movement industry will have you believe with regards to their disease model theory, is fvcking easy to break. But you got to want to break it..............again if what you say is true about his habits, he may be choosing to drink like a stumblebum as a preference to drinking in moderation or as a preference to abstinence (three choices everyone has) Why? because he may believe that's his best option towards a semblance of "happiness" (often addiction/substance ABUSE is an attempt to temporarily escape one's suffering (possibly his bad marriage). Of course this is delusional thinking as the escape / the high (false happiness) turns into more suffering pretty fast and it turns into a vicious circle.

He lives in another country atm so I can't be there for him besides talking on the phone once in a while.
This is why I ask how do you know his habits and the dynamics of his household, if he lives in another country and you only talk to him on the phone once in a while....

Is there a way to sit with someone while they are suffering and be a comfort / decent friend? Yes, but it doesn't involve giving advice..........

Is there a way to help someone who is lost in substance abuse or suffering from mental health issues without becoming codependent or making the person resentful? Yes, but it doesn't involve giving advice......

Again, how do you know she "drank just that one day" and how do you know her drinking habits?
 

FuzzX

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fvcking easy to break


Its not, my brother drank himself to death recently (heart attack). I tried everything short of locking him up in the Mexican jail system (which I regret now).


often addiction/substance ABUSE is an attempt to temporarily escape one's suffering (possibly his bad marriage)


This is a Hollywood misconception. Addiction requires an enabler and is usually done out of being spoiled by mom and dad. There is an enabler somewhere in his life that you are missing, possibly his wife, mother, father or brother. Someone was always pouring my brother drinks when he was broke. Someone was always bailing him out of his bad choices. There is a good model of Golden Child / Scape Goat, you can just punch those into google to see the breakdown. Childhood trauma causes this stuff to happen, favoritism, things that you can't see.

The term "alcoholic" is not really used these days (except by the loonies in the aa cult).

That term is no longer in use because of political correctness. Now it's a 'disease', which is total bull****. Addicts are selfish pricks who only think about 1 thing, getting to the next drink/high. It's not used because this society has an obsession with hurt feelings.

Your buddy might be a 'good guy' to you, but you don't see him hitting the bottle and what it does to his marriage/kids/family etc. This is not something ,you as an outsider, can fix. 1 bottle of whiskey is low, my brother could drink multiple bottles a day without even feeling it. You only see what he wants you to see. They are masters of disguise.

At times I hated my little brother, he was a total fvck up. He got whatever he wanted from my parents, refused to hold down a job, refused help and was a manipulative little **** when he was out of money. My parents got him an apartment (bought it) hoping he would get better. I think he may have paid a few months mortgage before he stopped working and started blowing his money on junk. Before they knew it, he was into hard drugs and drinking morning till night. They tried to appease him by getting him into rehab, he refused. They tried to get him to a psych, which he stopped seeing. Then they were gonna help him buy a house because he promised to get a job... everytime that happened he'd quit. You are seeing one side to your buddy. I'm sure his wife is at her wit's end with his bs. I choked my brother out once when he was on an angry bender... you eventually become numb to their bs. I'm sure his wife and family have to deal with this sh1t everyday. You see him once in awhile and you only see the side he wants to show you.
 
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