Plate asks for semi-exclusivity wtf

[Leoppard]

So Ive been doing well the last few months thanks to all the fantastic advice on here which really works, spinning plates, genuinely not giving a fvck, doing everything right and having a great time.

However, the fact I'm posting a thread means ive probably already lost with the girl I'm about to discuss.

Been seeing her three months and after many girls who were fun in bed but nothing more, and the nice feeling of power when you really don't care about them or whether they stick around, it was refreshing when she turned out to be a bit more than a warm hole. Gradually realised she is cool, great company and we are on the same wavelength generally.

Date generally consist of something fun then back to mine for great sex. Her interest level couldn't be higher, or so I thought, cooks for me, does anything i want, seems to adore me, tells all her friends and even family about me, initiates all messages, affectionate, no drama etc etc.

A month or so I start to realise she is falling for me, and she begins dropping subtle hints ... We both have others, but first she says her other recent sex has left her feeling empty and realised I'm all she needs, I satisfy her completely..I'm waiting for her to ask for more and stay firm, being fun and sexing her good. So last week she gives in and instigates the chat.

Except it all went a bit weird at that point. She says she wants to be my main girl, my main source of sex, shes doesnt mind if I have the odd random bang (probably not true) but doesn't like me looking for someone better than her, and she doesn't want anyone else to screw...but she does need to be free to kiss others, "probably" just girls, because she likes to be free and is bisexual.

This wasn't how I'd expected the conversation to go and could feel all the power I'd attained moving across the table into her lap. She went on to say the last guy she really liked dumped her because she insisted on kissing other people when she was out and she was really sad about that as she really liked him. She was making it clear that this wasn't up for negotiation...she wants a quasi-open relationship where she (and I) can kiss other people, but only..she said...when drunk and in public eg a bar or club. She says she doesn't see kissing as sexual and is always surprised when people expect it to lead to more. I think she just genuinely think of kissing as something fun and harmless.

So turns out her interest isn't as high as id assumed! Given the choice, shed choose random hookups over keeping me around.

There's nothing actually wrong with this situation, but it feels like she's calling the shots, dictating the rules, and basically saying I'm not good enough for her and my ego is bruised. Also I'm going to admit to some oneitis here.

Since then she's told me she kissed two "people" .. no gender specified, and they weren't as good as me. One gave her a lovebird which she showed me while telling me she'd missed me and was annoyed they'd bitten her neck. wtf. Laughed it off, but is she taking the p1ss or what??

Everything else about her is perfect and I really do think she is crazy about be, but at the same time if she was that interested, shed choose not to do this. So I realise I've made a mistake somewhere. So how to proceed?

Continue, ignoring her openly getting off with other people when she's drunk, and the fact that eventually this will probably lead to more?

Continue, but tell her I don't want to hear about it (weak)?

Continue but also casually bring up my own bangs and makeouts?

Next her?

Feel free to crucify me, I need some no nonsense analysis from the SS community. :/

 

[fastlife]

You, my friend, are dealing with a low (relationship) quality attention wh0re. And yes, low quality attention wh0res are capable of falling in love and are generally very affectionate and fun when they do so--but they will never be capable of making good life partners. It's a case of, she'd be perfect for me if she'd just... But she is who she is--and you're going to be left holding the bag.

Given the tone of your post, you should probably Next her. Definitely Next her. Your mental peace of mind is at stake--don't fool yourself--and it'll be better to rip the band aid off instead of pretending you still hold frame. And it'll suck. She's probably genuinely a sweet girl--but she will never ever ever be the kind of girl that's a good emotional investment. Or any investment really.

Look, I get it. Until you reach a certain level of internal development--when you realize that everything you could possibly desire from a woman is something that only you can provide for yourself--loneliness is real. You're still looking for something, but that something's not out there and you'll continue to feel empty as long as you're looking for it. But let's say you ignore my advice; let's say you relax (because relaxing feels really good) and fall for this girl, since she's providing something that you don't know how to give to yourself. The first 3-6 months'll be GREAT. You'll have all sorts of dopey love chemicals--hitting the same dopamine receptors as Cocaine and Heroine. But then, without even realizing it, you'll be dependent on her to feel good and, when she can't provide that, you'll be even lonelier--and you'll compulsively keep looking to her for that next hit. And she'll take you through the ringer and at the point when you're the most strung out, cut you off entirely. And that'll really, really suck and you'll probably want to die. And your mind'll be so desperate for another hit that it'll refuse to reconcile her good qualities (which I'm sure are great) to her bad qualities (which are impossible) and you'll be like the guys here who are still tripping over their BPD exes months later.

You don't have the frame to deal with this--most guys don't. I don't--when I meet girls like her (and I do all the time) I know it has to be a one night thing. She won't make a good plate--good plates don't have emotional voids that (unless you're totally devoid of empathy) they pull you into. Drop her and spend some time in this thread--and give it a month.

 

[dustmuffin]

If you agree to this you are opening yourself to heartache down the line since you are emotionally invested.

Best thing for you in the long run is to dump her. She is trying to bring you into her frame and there is no way this will work out in your best interest.

 

[Leoppard]

Thank you.

My logical brain says, well does it really matter if she drunkenly kisses someone sometimes. She's just a plate after all. Etc.

But I need to hear that yes it does, and it's not about that. Good useful replies, thanks.

 

[pyros]

1. SHE IS BISEXUAL. So in my book this means NOT SUITABLE for a normal, long term relationship.
2. She wants to keep kissing random girls when out? sure, why not honey. ARE YOU STUPID? if she wants to keep "kissing" other people she can do as she wishes, but this means again, NOT SUITABLE for a normal long term relationship.

This kind of thinking usually comes from mentally unstable people, that also like to have tons of sex with different people.

As you can see, she is not a good option to be your girlfriend, at all. It doenst matter how "well" she treats you. She has major defects with no solution. It is how it is.

Now, you can either tell her ok to everything but you keep her as a plate with no feelings, in other words, you lie to her (because she probably has lied to you anyway), or you can stop seing her altogether cause it will not lead to any normal healthy mature long term relationship.

 

[El Payaso]

The moment you agree and buy into her frame is the moment you lose.

Ask yourself what YOU want and go from there.

 

[cola]

B*tch is weird man.. Id just bang her and avoid intellectual conversation with this nut.. lol.

 

[Leoppard]

The moment you agree and buy into her frame is the moment you lose.

Ask yourself what YOU want and go from there.

Thanks. Can you give an example of how I could have "won" this conversation?

 

[Trump]

However, the fact I'm posting a thread means ive probably already lost with the girl I'm about to discuss.

Except it all went a bit weird at that point. She says she wants to be my main girl, my main source of sex, shes doesnt mind if I have the odd random bang (probably not true) but doesn't like me looking for someone better than her, and she doesn't want anyone else to screw...but she does need to be free to kiss others, "probably" just girls, because she likes to be free and is bisexual.

You reply: "OK. I like to be free to probably have sex with other girls and am heterosexual.

This wasn't how I'd expected the conversation to go and could feel all the power I'd attained moving across the table into her lap. She went on to say the last guy she really liked dumped her because she insisted on kissing other people when she was out and she was really sad about that as she really liked him. She was making it clear that this wasn't up for negotiation...

Bro how can you be in love with a girl who tells you "this isn't up for negotiation?" Unless she is your boss or created the law, NO GIRL can say that to a guy.

she wants a quasi-open relationship where she (and I) can kiss other people, but only..she said...when drunk and in public eg a bar or club.

How drunk? 2 drinks/3 drinks? What if it's half a social setting and half a club? Only half a kiss?

There's nothing actually wrong with this situation, but it feels like she's calling the shots, dictating the rules, and basically saying I'm not good enough for her and my ego is bruised. Also I'm going to admit to some oneitis here.

Since then she's told me she kissed two "people" .. no gender specified, and they weren't as good as me. One gave her a lovebird which she showed me while telling me she'd missed me and was annoyed they'd bitten her neck. wtf. Laughed it off, but is she taking the p1ss or what??

Everything else about her is perfect and I really do think she is crazy about be, but at the same time if she was that interested, shed choose not to do this. So I realise I've made a mistake somewhere. So how to proceed?

Continue, ignoring her openly getting off with other people when she's drunk, and the fact that eventually this will probably lead to more?

Continue, but tell her I don't want to hear about it (weak)?

Continue but also casually bring up my own bangs and makeouts?

Next her?

Feel free to crucify me, I need some no nonsense analysis from the SS community. :/

Bro as soon as you say this girl hurt your ego, emotionally affected you and you have Oneitis because you are so in love with her, no advice is going to help you. You have major bias towards her and any advice given is going to be taken defensively and not objectively.

You will end up going back to her because she turns you on really well. She knows she can manipulate you because of her looks and attitude and the sex is so good for you.

The only thing I can say is spin plates. Meet someone else who looks good and gives you crazy sex. Then you won't let this girl emotionally affect you so much.

 

[Leoppard]

Thanks, but I already admitted having screwed this one up and advice certainly is being taken objectively. She already said I can have sex with other women, and I am spinning plates. I was of the mind that she needed nexting and was looking for confirmation.

I was also curious how a master DJ would have responded to this surprising conversation.

 

[pyros]

Yes, the b-itch knows how to manipulate OP very well.

Up to him to get into a troublesome relationship or not.

 

[Bible_Belt]

I think all of the anger at the woman in this thread is misplaced, and you should be grateful to her for being honest with you. Maybe you don't want a relationship on these terms. That's up to you. But she could very easily lie to you. If you punish her for telling the truth, then she's going to quickly learn to start lying to you to tell you what you need to hear.

 

[Leoppard]

B_b, you are my favourite poster, thanks for joining in. What would have been your response here out of interest?

 

[Bible_Belt]

What would have been your response here?

I would be like, "woo-hoo! Threesome every weekend!!!"

But that's a reflection of me, where I am in life at the moment, and what I'm looking for. I'm not telling you that's the right choice for you.

My biggest point is to not punish honesty. It's like seeing your dog misbehaving from across the yard, calling the dog to you, and when the dog comes to you, then you beat it. What did the dog just learn? It learned that trusting you gets it punished.

 

[Serenity]

You could try this, but I have no idea how this would be down the road.

Her terms seem fair as you have the same freedom as her. So this game is basically her choice and your choice. She chooses to want such a relationship, now you choose if you're in on it or not. If you choose to not accept the terms you choose to not have her. That's your choice alone. I think she might have firmly decided that it's gonna be with a guy who accept the terms or it's not gonna happen.

There's nothing you can do to change her terms, this is a simple two-way choice.

 

[grayclif]

Tell her yes and carry on as you have been. Why??? Because it doesn't really matter. Semi exclusivity means non exclusive. If she has an issue by you sleeping with someone else just say but I thought we were semi exclusive. Simple.

 

[EyeBRollin]

Why are you complicating things?

Continue making opportunities to rail her and leave the analytics and feelings to her. If she asks for exclusivity, tell her you'll think about it and go back to railing her until she forces you to make a decision.

 

[dustmuffin]

Some very good advice in this thread. It all comes down to can you divest yourself of the emotional investment you have for her and just use her for sex and entertainment? That is the big question.

From what you have written you might not be able to do that. Maybe you can. The number one rule I have is never become emotionally invested in a woman and have several options at the ready at all times. This way my heart is protected. Is your heart protected?

Anyway...if you want to try to keep the relationship with her rid yourself of all feelings for her. She is only to be used for your enjoyment. If you can't do this then run. Misery awaits......

 

[BeExcellent]

Agree with much of the above. Particularly @Bible_Belt and not punishing honesty and particularly @dustmuffin about whether or not you can keep it just fun and entertainment.

Don't make the mistake of falling in love with a woman who won't go all in with you and only you. That will put you right through the meat grinder if you will want deep down her exclusivity. There is nothing wrong with wanting exclusivity as a context to emotional investment, she just sounds basically incompatible with that notion.

You are right to be cautious because if you can't curb your oneitis (you cannot control her, and she thinks enough of you to be straight up) then eventually this is going to end badly for you.

Put another way: You = exclusive to her...Her = free to kiss and be intimate with others. This is cuckhold. It will ruin things between you.

 

[ubercat]

Obviously not girlfriend material but what a great opportunity 4 dirty entertainment. Go out hunting with her for a girl you can bring home together and party on dude. Only bisexual chick I ever dated wouldn't share so half your luck