Paying for dates/stuff

MT93

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What's your stance on this?
Been dating this one for about 5 months now, high IL, good looking, very caring, minimal red flags

Having a good time but still screening - shes pushing the exclusive claims but i'm still taking it steady

One bugbear..... Its ALWAYS me paying for dates, food, drinks etc. Besides one bottle of aftershave she bought when we first started dating she hasn't really done anything else, she brings me food into work once in a blue moon but other than that its few and far between.

Whenever we decide to go out etc it is me suggesting where and me getting my wallet out with no real offer of contribution from her part

Now I do earn more money than her and I am in a managerial position but IMO this shouldn't affect it, its the thought that counts.. I'm not saying she has to buy me a car etc but you get my drift.

How would you combat this? Haven't addressed it yet as its a bit of a grey area

But when you have been with females prior, who always split or pay, buy things for you etc - I feel a bit uncomfortable on this basis
 

RickTheToad

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DJ's

What's your stance on this?
Been dating this one for about 5 months now, high IL, good looking, very caring, minimal red flags

Having a good time but still screening - shes pushing the exclusive claims but i'm still taking it steady

One bugbear..... Its ALWAYS me paying for dates, food, drinks etc. Besides one bottle of aftershave she bought when we first started dating she hasn't really done anything else, she brings me food into work once in a blue moon but other than that its few and far between.

Whenever we decide to go out etc it is me suggesting where and me getting my wallet out with no real offer of contribution from her part

Now I do earn more money than her and I am in a managerial position but IMO this shouldn't affect it, its the thought that counts.. I'm not saying she has to buy me a car etc but you get my drift.

How would you combat this? Haven't addressed it yet as its a bit of a grey area

But when you have been with females prior, who always split or pay, buy things for you etc - I feel a bit uncomfortable on this basis
First off, stop asking her where she wants to go. You pick the place and go. Men lead, ladies follow. Right now, she's leading and you are following. There are two different trains of thought on this. Most men prefer to pay, some switch on and off. It's whatever fits your lifestyle. If you are eating at Morton's Steakhouse each week, yes, that could be an issue.

More importantly, aside from sex, what does she bring to this relationship? Who pays for trips, activities, etc?
 

billtx49

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The traditional thought pattern is you invite her out, you pay. Regarding her no offers, She might be a traditional woman…
 

MT93

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The traditional thought pattern is you invite her out, you pay. She might be a traditional woman…

She is to be honest.. comes from a traditional family

But its nice for a bit of reciprocation Bill
 

RickTheToad

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The traditional thought pattern is you invite her out, you pay. She might be a traditional woman…
I think he's not really asking her out. He's asking her where she wants to go. That's like asking me I'd like to buy a car, but you pay for it. Do I want a BMW or a Ford? Hmm... He needs to man up and take the lead.
 

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billtx49

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I think he's not really asking her out. He's asking her where she wants to go. That's like asking me I'd like to buy a car, but you pay for it. Do I want a BMW or a Ford? Hmm... He needs to man up and take the lead.
Reread his post, specifically, ‘Whenever we decide to go out etc it is me suggesting where and me getting my wallet out’
Remains to be seen if he suggests and awaits an answer or he is inadvertently telling her. A point not completely clear yet, but the suggestion itself implies important two way communication at 5 months in…
 

dustmuffin

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The girl I'm dating pays roughly half of dates. I pay one then her the next. We go on trips quite a bit and she always pays her fair share. We went on a trip last month and she coughed up 1500 bucks for it. She cooks and cleans for me and good kinky s ex.
 

oldmanofthesea

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As others have said, you invite, then you should expect to pay. Of course, it's always nice if they volunteer, but don't expect that if you invited.

You said she is old fashioned - well, old-fashioned women are typically going to expect that the man pays for the woman. Either accept it in light of her other good old-fashioned qualities, or if you don't like it, then stop inviting her out to things that cost money. If she notices this and asks you "Hey it's been so long since we've gone out to eat" or something like that, you respond with, "Oh yeah! Well, where do you want to take me for dinner?" She'll either take you and pay, or she won't. If she does, you can take her out next time. If she doesn't, you continue NOT inviting her out. She can come over to your house and hang out for free though. You lead.
 

Mauser96

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What's your stance on this?
Been dating this one for about 5 months now, high IL, good looking, very caring, minimal red flags

Having a good time but still screening - shes pushing the exclusive claims but i'm still taking it steady

One bugbear..... Its ALWAYS me paying for dates, food, drinks etc. Besides one bottle of aftershave she bought when we first started dating she hasn't really done anything else, she brings me food into work once in a blue moon but other than that its few and far between.

Whenever we decide to go out etc it is me suggesting where and me getting my wallet out with no real offer of contribution from her part

Now I do earn more money than her and I am in a managerial position but IMO this shouldn't affect it, its the thought that counts.. I'm not saying she has to buy me a car etc but you get my drift.

How would you combat this? Haven't addressed it yet as its a bit of a grey area

But when you have been with females prior, who always split or pay, buy things for you etc - I feel a bit uncomfortable on this basis

These days, if I ask a woman out, I pay on the first date. Dates are usually simple and inexpensive . If there is chemistry and we go on a second date, I see if she offers to pay. If not, I will but will mention sometime after the date, that in this day and age, I expect women to pay their own way. If they are ok with that, we are good to go. If not, I stop dating them.

So far, that last two have been ok with it.

Because I have relatively high income, I will occasionally pay more than 50% of the time. Only if I want to. Ie) purchase concert tickets and then ask them.

For me, because my income is higher, I am willing to do this a bit. As I do for my kids.


It rankles only if it is EXPECTED
 

Amante Silvestre

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While I have no issues with paying, and while I do believe if I am extending the invitation that the presumption is that I am going to pay, I do not believe in the principle that a woman should expect a man to pay because she is “old fashioned”.

I have dated quite a few “old fashioned” women who were still courteous enough to offer to pay their share. It is typically by my own discretion that I would appreciate yet decline the offer.

Too many women use the old fashioned excuse to veil their entitlement, and an easy indicator of this is a woman who will often resort to old fashioned principles when it suits her, yet will have no reservations in revealing a beaming pride to her independence in other ways.

5 months in, you should have a pretty clear indication of what this woman is, and if she is the latter, this imbalance and issue is due to the standard you set by not tackling this issue much sooner.
 

backseatjuan

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Here lies the issue. You are doing boyfriend/girlfriend thing, dating. Going out, investing time and money, expecting return in form of sex. This is already a contract.

Want an ultimate sht test? Stop dating, starn inviting her to your place, it’s ok to have a bottle at home. Then second time ask her to bring a bottle or a pizza. See how long it will last until she says she wants to go out......she’ll fail.
 

flowtheory

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5 months and you’re footing all the bills?

Traditional or not.. it doesn’t jive with you. So you have to address it. It doesn’t make you look cheap; you’re merely expressing what you value.

If it’s not exclusive yet, she could still be weighing her options aside from you and is going along with the frame you’re providing by providing everything for her.
If she’s getting it all for free and youre not saying anything, to her she thinks it’s all good. And so she should if you play it cool like you are. But it’s not cool if you’re writing about it. Stop expecting people to do things. It’s inoortant to lay out what works for you and what doesn’t. It’s responsibility.

I expect a woman to be in 50/50 as far as bills are concerned. Because we’re doing things together. This isn’t the 1950’s anymore.
Current girlfriend is great in this aspect. She pulls her purse out every time there’s a bill. Very giving. And makes dates and planning more exciting because you have eachothers back.
 

sazc

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You're going to need to MAN UP and start communicating
 

Tilex

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I view this is a power imbalance.
One person has invested more into the dynamic than the other.
Rarely do I see true chemistry when two people are in this type of partnership.
I have a strong disdain for gold diggers, and wouldn't tolerate that type of frame in the beginning if I didn't see enough output coming from a potential interest.
Although in your situation, you're already in too deep. Five months in is a lot different than the one month in.
 
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cola

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The Avengers is coming out Thursday, ask her to treat you to the movies next weekend, see what she says. Gauge her response, if she gives a hard time about it you’ll know her attitude towards men and money and you can proceed using your judgement from there.

If the bill is something small like 50-60$ when I go out, I usually just reach for my wallet without thinking just to cut any arkward debate about who is paying. I do the same with guy friends, I bet you have the same habit.
 
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MT93

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She moved into her own place 2 days ago - apologies for not replying sooner have been busy with the move

I suggest that our date nights will become more few and far between now we have our own space - they will still happen but will not be overly dependant as we have our own place to chill etc

My frame has never suggested that I am the one to pay ALWAYS, i want to stress that, like I've said, on occasion she does pay or contribute, but not AS much, and its very different to what ive experienced previously where other girls would always go Dutch.

Its my birthday next month, we have a trip planned to Egypt. Obvs with her just moving into a new place im not expecting the world but I will see what happens for my birthday

In terms of sex and female affection - she is not short in that department- literally anywhere goes and it can be a daily occurence if I want it, very forthcoming in that area.

Damn..... why am i even moaning hahahaha
 

MT93

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Like a couple of you have mentioned - 5 months in now.........

I would have realised if she was a selfish- gold digging - everything goes my way - buy it for me girl, wouldn't i?

In terms of screening, from your guys experience, I would have established if that was the case by now?
 

MT93

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The Avengers is coming out Thursday, ask her to treat you to the movies next weekend, see what she says. Gauge her response, if she gives a hard time about it you’ll know her attitude towards men and money and you can proceed using your judgement from there.

If the bill is something small like 50-60$ when I go out, I usually just reach for my wallet without thinking just to cut any arkward debate about who is paying. I do the same with guy friends, I bet you have the same habit.

Sounds like a great idea Cola- untill I realise the film is 3 hrs long- good god.
 
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