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NorwegianDJ's journal of personal growth

NorwegianDJ

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Things are going good.

Been working out with Marcus and Haakon almost every day. We have a cheap gym we go to with just enough equipment. Doing a normal split. Seeing a lot of progress.

Also been driving dad's car, 2000 landcruiser for 1-2 hours a day with him. Kinda nice with just us two at home. Not the best food, but good company. Now that I'm older I ask new questions and learn more from him.

Althought I do something every day, I still spend a majority of the day doing little. The focus goes towards working out, eating, and stuff like Tyler's videos and such. I should solve this issue with spending more time socializing.

Been hanging out a fair bit with Ted and Genver and the other kids from the international school. Did LCS fantasy draft at Ted's on Friday. Lots of fun, got a great team. Played risk for the first time. Stayed the night on the couch.

Saturday we ventured to Stolsvika and lounged and swam. Went from there to Johan, where we had a little LAN party. Good times. Won the 1v1 tournament. Come at me. Biked home at 4:30AM on Ted's dad's bike.

Been doing dentistry stuff too. Had to drive to Oslo and back to meet with our team of specialists. Gonna start working on them next summer. Some braces, then the whole ordeal of porcelain teeth. Will be cool.

Planning to check my vision and my lungs soon too. Did cardio two days ago and I'm not doing too swell.

Hoping to socialize more, play more guitar, do daily stretches, meditate, attempt to fix neck posture. Study for Driving Theory. Also take boating license.
 

NorwegianDJ

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It's been a while, hasn't it.

Continued the trend of working out, just with some irregularities due to exams and such.

Checked the lungs, haven't checked results. They still feel iffy at times. Possibly scar tissue? It just doesn't make sense that there is scar tissue where it hurts.

Checked my vision. It's something like 0.25/0.5 and 0.5/0.25 on each eye respectively. Can't remember which one was what and whether it was positive or negative. Basically very minor astigmatism. Can't remember the colloquial word. Gonna look for glasses with the mother.

I've been with friends pretty much every day. I usually sleep till 11-12-1 then shower eat and do little till 5ish, then friends, work out, do something, sleep at 12-1-2-3.

My bad for not updating, I just never felt like it.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-gP_Q2myNWo

Turned 19. Went out with friends for the birthday. Lots of fun. Kissed this girl I like. It's more of a "I want her to feel good" 'like'. We decided to try our luck at this 20+ place and walked in. Got stopped by the guard, but we saw people we knew and just ran to them. I turn around and see this blonde, tall girl. We each do a double-take, look for a seconds and come very close to each other. "Ada?" "NDJ?" "Tinder?" "Tinder." Hook up for a little while.

I turn around and see Samil. Its ****ing Samil, so I shoot the **** with him. I turn around and Ted is macking on Ada. Hahahaha. Sneaky. Ted lost his virginity that night. Good night.

Went out quite a few more times those coming weeks. It's real ****ty to go out here now. The only good place to go under 20 closed and there is just one ****ty one now.

And ****ing holy **** how much people drink here. Again, people drink before they go out, because it's a lot cheaper.

There are some fun stories, some hookups, but i'll leave that.

I've gotten in real good shape now. Like proper good shape. Not the cardio yet, but the rest. Very satisfied. Now I just need to add more mass.

Now it's time for the annual highlight: The Hove Festival. The festival right here in my hometown. Gonna pack and buy up for it today. Lots to do. I have a feeling it'll be the best one yet.
 

NorwegianDJ

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Hi, friends

I've always used this journal as a means of self-reflection. Since I stopped writing it has become a bit harder for me to reflect on what I'm doing and to keep track of myself. I don't know if I'll start the journal up again, but sometimes I feel the need to write, and now is a good time as any.

I stopped because I went to this festival and wanted to write everything, but then it became too much and so I postponed it, more things compounded, then the perfectionist in me ultimately has me writing nothing at all for almost a year now. 9 months. Jesus.

Time passes fast in college. I am almost done with Sophomore year, it feels weird. My room is still messy, I still waste time, I still have every struggle that I've always had. Some things don't change. I am making progress though, in everything. Progress has always been what keeps me going. I cannot go a day without making progress in something.

I wish I still read as much as I used to in High School. I have 5 books right next to me that I want to read, but I never pick them up. For another time.

I used to accompany my posts with a song that I liked at the time, so I guess I will add some to this post.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j9FfYWp_d5w

School is going. Still struggling finding my routine, especially now that I have harder classes. I added Neuroscience to my major, so now I've got 2. Labs take stupid amounts of time, but, at least in Chemistry, my partner keeps it exciting. I don't know why I care, but hasn't it always been that way with me? She showed up here at a party a while ago, we held hands, something I never do much anymore, she was stunning, then she was gone. We get along great, and I asked her to Formal. She said yes, but cancelled. I asked her to a party, she couldn't, I asked her out for coffee, she couldn't. A work in progress that is slowly fizzling out, but it's a nice one.

I really have always had a thing for easily getting emotionally invested. I attribute it to having a lot of empathy.

I spent the night with this other girl about a month ago. It was a very good time, but this one I don't have feelings for and I haven't seen since.

Last Saturday my last girl just left my apartment at this time. St Patrick's weekend. Was daydrinking on Saturday jumping from party to party. Went to one my friend was having and ended up sitting down in a couch with this girl. She is still a mystery to me. She was in another world for a while. Extremely genuine, but impossible to hold a conversation with - she was definitely not sober. On what? I don't know. I guess we held a conversation for 10 minutes or so and she mentions something she has, I asked where it was, she said her bedroom, I asked where that was, 1 block away, I said let's go find it!

She had no sense of direction, she was visiting from Minneapolis. We almost end up in the host's room, but make our way out into the world. End up going for my place, because she didn't know where her's was, and she wanted to have some water/food/weed/warmth. Brought her back and the next however many hours were amazing. She sobered up and became more normal, but I still wasn't sure if she was crazy or not. Turned out to be the latter when she came back to collect her bra the other day. She eventually cancelled on me last Wednesday and left the same day. I don't like being cancelled on, but it is life. I've always had a hard time understanding how people can be so transient and not easily develop a care or feelings for the other person, but I guess in the end girls may take that for granted given how many options they have.

My experience serves me well in that regard. At this point I know myself and other people so well that I do not let feelings take over, I keep them in check and they go away. It's a natural thing.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KAuVJIOsQPo

I don't really know where I'm going with this. I don't want to do a full update, I just want to write what I feel like writing. This is for me after all, a bit in the present, mostly for the future.

When I'm all alone and existential, I still feel a void inside me. Sometimes I fill it with fleeting infatuation, then it goes away.

I wonder what I'll do in the future. I don't like things planned out. It seems likely that I'll be here for a 5th year, then I might go to Norway and work for good money. I might stay there and get my teeth fixed, or more likely, I will travel and never stop. Honestly if I could just fly over the ocean and live on my own terms. If I could just go from city to city, live by the day. Much more happiness. But that is in the future for now. I am happy where I am and things can only get better.

My lung no longer hurts. It stopped a few weeks ago. My left shoulder is bothering me a bit still when I work out. Less so my back. Currently working out 6 times a week on a PPL x2 routine. Working out very well. I went back to spending 90-120 minutes in the gym per session now, with few breaks. Very good progress lately. A more bodybuilding focused approach lately, because I've focused on lifting heavier for so long.

I am Social Chair of my fraternity now. Fitting, eh? It's a lot of work, but it's rewarding.

Being almost 20 is weird. I still miss Cape Town. I don't know if I miss what I had or if I actually miss the place.

I don't think I have much more at this moment. I'll probably update here and there. Please do comment, would love a conversation.
 

NorwegianDJ

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Just back after Spring Break and a week of school. I need to get better at keeping on top of classes and homework.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DVIFQJiPWvc

Best Spring Break of all time.

A group of 20 of us drove down to Havasu and rented an 85 foot Houseboat. Crazy much shenanigans and fun times. Friday must've been the best day of my life. I'm gonna start refraining from disclosing as much as I normally do in this journal. 8 hours out in the sun just playing around in the water in our own little cove. Darkness comes, we light a bonfire and set up lasers in the resulting smoke, with Dom playing music - live sets - the whole night. We chopped down a tree with a sledgehammer. We watched shooting stars from the hot tub. We had a cuddlepuddle ontop of a mountain. We danced till dawn. We hiked up to watch the sunrise, then back down for 2nd sunrise. Good times with good people.

Back to reality. Back to school, back to the gym. I want to start going to Yoga again, i need to prioritize that. Gym is going really well though. I'm focusing on Bodybuilding now, compared to my many years of 'powerlifting'. Seeing very good results in both strength and size. Currently 166 lbs and with the device Brian has, 11% bf.

Organizing a Pitch Party tonight, then Date Dash next friday, then a registered party, all during Greek Week. Not bad though.

Asked the girl from Chem Lab to a Game of Thrones Pre-Screening on monday, but we have a test on tuesday so she wasn't sure. I said it doesn't work that well for me anyway, cause I actually have a meeting at 7, said I wish I took school as seriously as her. She responded saying I had better grades than her on both tests so far. I actually didn't on the last one, I calculated it wrong. Anyway, I asked if she wanted to study this weekend, if she was free saturday or sunday. 2 hours later still no response. Girls will be girls. Hoping to find myself a nice girl tonight to just relax and take my mind other places. Now it's time to clean my room and perhaps play some Snappa.
 

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NorwegianDJ

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I did end up playing some Snappa. I did not however end up with a nice girl.

https://soundcloud.com/edminsider/madeon-live-at-edc-las-vegas-2014-62014

As with most parties, ive fallen into the trap of relaxing too much with friends and not spending enough time actively getting to know new girls. I should also spend more time on the dancefloor, cause that place is magic for getting girls.

There were these 3 girls from Minnesota that Phil met through Tinder. Turns out later that they were in HS. Seniors. Spent a bit of time with them, almost hooked up with one, but wasn't sure if I wanted to. Bed at 5 am. Chilled night.

One of them called me on Saturday and said they'd stay another night because it was her birthday. I joked and said they could sleep on my couch. They ended up on my couch. Long story short, they came over early and we pregamed and chilled. Took them partying, they all turned into a mess when they got drunk. Ended up hooking up with the hottest one that was borrowing my cow print for a toga party. Went back to my room and kept it going. I was going down on her when I felt like using the bathroom. It felt like a good idea at the time, because then I can have a better time, and if she for some reason doesn't want to, this gives her a chance to slow down. I return and she's ****ing asleep. Girls cant handle their ****.

Their friend was missing so Trevor and I offered to go get her. Birthday girl progressively got very annoying and entitled. Maybe not so smart, but I was having none of it and put her in her place. She was not happy. Long story short, I ended up on the couch, 2 girls in my bed, the pissy one came back at 4am to cuddle. Got my bed back at 7am. They are long gone, thank god.

Had a nice day with a slow start. Got a good workout in. Family dinner with the fraternity. Now Im chilling in bed and I've been feeling some sorta way the past 40 minutes or so. You can't quite place the feeling, but I think it's something most people experience. A bit of loneliness, lack of purpose, somewhat content, it feels like missing a person, but you have no one to miss. It's like a longing for something you don't have. Right now, I attribute it somewhat to that girl I keep asking out. I can't tell if it's a good idea to just keep pursuing it or not. I just come to the conclusion that I really like this whole ordeal of 'getting a girl'. It's exciting and honestly I'd feel like I missed out big-time if I gave up now. On the contrary, she has indirectly declined like 5 times now. However, she always says yes, she just always has a reason she cant make it. I really enjoy her company and she's still being flirty. I think Im going to ask her to the Date Dash this Friday. It'd be awkward if she's really just a nice person who's not interested, but I can't see a reason why a girl wouldn't be interested.

A little rant, but that's what this journal is for anyway, isnt it?
 

NorwegianDJ

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eeeyo

Well hey, look at that, it's been another month again.

I'll do a teeny bit of recap.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rHuUJqNsezg

I did end up asking that girl to the Date Dash. It was more indirectly implied, but to me it was obvious. Didn't happen.

I then later decided to send her a text. In fact, Phil, I, and Nyall all did the same thing to 3 girls that day, haha. Because I talked with Phil about it, the text may have been expressing a bit more than what I felt at the time, but I really needed an all or nothing situation, and that was what I got. I woke up to a text the following morning where she said - let me check here - how it was really sweet, but she had a lot of family stuff going on, but she considers me a good friend and would like to continue being friends. All that yada. Of course I appreciate the response, it's not quite what I was looking for. However, expectations create disappointments.

It was very easy to get over, because she had already been in my mind for so long. I still don't know how to react when I see pictures of her, but I'll definitely hang out with her next semester, she is a very nice person.

Kept working out, kept getting good results. There were some girls, I don't remember. A friend of my room-mate had xanax one weekend and I decided to try with some drinking. I guess that constitutes my first black-out. Not recommended, haha. I can't remember, but I've been told what happened. Nothing of interest.

I spent most days smoking and relaxing. Trying to get very high and explore my mind some days, which gets very interesting the days I had low tolerance. Drugs really are fascinating with proper use.

Eventually school finished and off I went to Norway. It's been 10 days here now. Rather boring. Spent 4-5 days with friends, then they all left to finish school for the semester, then it got quite boring. I applied for close to 20 jobs. Ended up working at a call-center selling a major phone service in Norway. Made a couple of sales and I'm doing very well.

It's nice to be back here, but it is oh so boring. Living so isolated, coming home at 5pm and doing absolutely nothing till 11 and repeat. Oh well, friends will come home, but this will be a different summer. I have to make my own money now, learn how to work and all the life advice the rents throw my way. Oh well. I'm meeting up with a friend on Monday to discuss a start-up business, so that could be interesting. My attempt at doing that back when I was 16 was just awkward. I was driven, but it was bad. I chose a product too advanced and ran out of steam.

I'm trying to spend time somewhat productively at home, cause why the fck not. I've got 5 books I want to get through, but it's hard when you come home with a migraine every day from work. I'll also be trying to teach myself more advanced chemistry and such so that next semester will be easier. I also have an online class I need to start and complete by mid august.

Considering staying in Colorado for MayMester, or even the whole summer in 2016. We'll see. Life really does happen faster if you don't pay attention.
 

DumbBell80

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Hey man. So I'm in pretty much the same situation as you were when you started this thread. Except I haven't yet started gymming. Maybe next week after my SAT. Read a few of your posts and they are pretty awesome. I guess I can relate to them a bit. Keep up the good work!
 

NorwegianDJ

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34 Pages are a lot

Another summer has passed. You always think that 3 months are a lot, then they're over and you're back.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XeuecQP3axI

I have however had a lot of intriguing insights into my personality and how I form my own reality. Seriously, this is probably the most interesting thing I have discovered. Videos such as Tyler's from RSD are completely correct in explaining this. You literally get your reality shook when you become aware of this.

That's exactly why it's called reality shifts, or 'breaking your reality' etc. It is not exaggerated a bit. Much like taking acid for your first time, these insights had me realize that the way every single person interacts and percieves their environment differs. This is HUGE, especially when applied to oneself and understanding others. I could probably speak more deeply to this if I was high, eh.

Something else that is impactful when realized on a deep level is that we are truly all one. When you pick that flower, that flower's lineage has survived throughout all the billions of years to that very moment. When picked, chances are that said lineage is over. How awe-inspiring is that? From the type of flower, to the species, down to simple organisms, to the first life.
A human life can be traced by the same lineage. Your parents, then thousands of generations up. If you don't have a kid, it ends with you. Now, the beauty is that this means we are all different expressions of the same ancestor. We are all related, not only with ourselves, but with all the stardust in the universe. How amazing.

Enough with that though.

I am going back to Colorado in 10 days. That's quick. I need to organize our first parties, order supplies, contact sororities, organize events, all before leaving. It is worth it when it comes together. I am so so excited about this semester. It'll be huge for us, and our party space is almost unrivaled at this stage, and it'll only get better.

I'm also hoping to study more chemistry to prepare for the semester, and I also want to read more. Deja vu, eh.

Gonna hang out with my long ago ex tonight, should be fun.
This summer hasn't had a lot of focus on girls, it's been one of the coldest summers in recent time, compared to the hottest one in like 30 years last year. On the same token, my fitness has decreased, as I didnt work out during and before exams, nor much over the summer. I am still decent shape, it's just nowhere near my peak shape before that. I'll get back there quickly. I always do and I always get better at knowing myself and the gym.

Now dinner is ready and I have rambled enough.
 

GetBetter

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Always pleasurable to read your updates. I always find some philosophy and can connect to it.

I would like to know more about this identity shift of yours; how did you attain it? I keep asking why until I reach the core albiet most of the times I quit inbetween because I am afraid of the honesty I may reveal.

Also I love how much there is more than girls in your life and head. It felt great to read.
 

NorwegianDJ

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Thanks man. Always nice to be around. Don't stress it. Just realize that half the things we know are probably wrong.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YthChN1Wq8M

So I made it back to Colorado. Room is still a mess, I'm gonna clean the whole thing after, or during writing this. It was very good to be back. It took me a while to realize that I am indeed the Social Chair and need to focus on socials. I've organized several parties already, rushed kids hard, all the stuff that I do for what I can be a part of. Putting others before yourself is quite cool. Reasonably.

I cold approached groups of 2-30 people on the steets one day and had them come to our party, a total of 150 people approached. Feel good to know that the party was successful purely because of me that day.

Friday I was taking a break from talking to freshmen guys about rush and making friends and such. I walked into one of our rooms and this dirty-blonde girl is playing with Stella, one of our dogs. She knows me it seems at this point. I don't remember if we exchanged names. I thought she was this girl that lived in this building. I only realized the next day that she was some friend of a girl that comes often.

Anyway, I know you love my rambling, she was pretty up for going to my room, so I think I offered drinks at my room. We made drinks.. and I think it was on from the start. I actually now remember kissing her on the bed. How do I describe this.. she was really chill. Laid back in the sense that she was not rushing things, she did whatever she wanted, but she knew she was getting it. Cool combo.

We spent a long time talking, getting to know each other, playing guitar and singing, dancing to EDM and Frank Sinatra. Smoked a bowl and she wanted to just look into my eyes for minutes. Things were a trance from here for a while. Condoms on, socks off. She left in the morning, no exchange of info.

I loved this because it was exactly what I needed, and I don't feel needy at all or feel like I'm doing something wrong, because I don't have her contacts. If she wants to come back, she can come back, but she can also not come back and that's just as good.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=syXq0ICfFDg

I sometimes fantasize about what if I was the kind of person that just demanded attention, gave no care for other people, and just did exactly what I wanted. That's so weird to me. Yes, I do want to sleep around with a lot of girls and fulfill all these fantasies and just be that "hook-up guy" that everyone wants a piece of, but I simply feel that what I am is so real.

Still, I feel that it can get counterproductive. It is better to approach the world with this attitude, but to pay attention to other people. Just because I want to open up massively and give so much of myself to someone else, does not mean that they want that. Mostly it is that I am too forward doing it. Not in a needy way, just in the sense that they are not ready to do the same, because they live completely different lives where other things are important in that moment.

I think what I am saying is that I'm finding a balance.

I am also gaining more confidence in myself. I realized that I actually am not that confident most of the time. Either I never was or it has slowly recessed. But I am realizing again that I am a likable person and damn attractive. I think.

Girls and social are a result of the effort you put in, and where you put in the effort. More time spent out of your room and making plans with and talking to people. I have fallen into bad habits on this front and I'm looking to get back into not relying on the fraternity to bring girls to my doorstep.

Started working out again on Sunday, just got back from yoga today. Certainly getting back into it. I want to have a fit body for all purposes. I think the process of attaining it, and attaining it, will make me very happy.

Good rant.
 

NorwegianDJ

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I didn't actually end up cleaning my room until last Monday. I always end up doing that after Lucy comes over.

It's been fun here. I've consistently hosted our best parties to date and our social image is better than ever.

Last weekend was a fun one. Party all weekend. Met this girl end of the night on Thursday and spent an hour or two talking. Moved to my room and chatted for a while more. It must've been 4am at this point and she moved to the bed. Sure, I was intending to hook up with her, but it felt secondary. Now, I don't know if I don't care, if I'm dumb, or what, but I just hadn't hooked up with her yet at this point, and now we were going to bed. Literally.

Thankfully, it didn't take more than 20 seconds before we were hooking up. With some breaks, did that all night. Smoked and got food. Back for another round. We finally went to bed at 9am. She left sometime after 12.

Friday must've been fairly relaxed. Saturday we had our rush BBQ where I apparently met this girl and was texting her. She came to our party this friday and I didn't recognize her. That was hilarious.

Saturday must've been the easiest thing of my life. Partying like usual, kinda vibing with this girl that has been at the house a few times. She was either trying to make me jealous or trying her luck with guys. I didn't want to worry about it, so I hooked up with her right at the party, then we went to my room. When we were done it was still like midnight, so she went to look for her friends whom had left.

Was sober for Friday's party. Huge success. Met another girl. Nothing special, relaxed night. Saturday was another party, didn't try anything special. I cannot flirt with girls for **** when I'm high, so there's that.

I need to spend much more time reading the material for my classes. I haven't done much reading so far. With midterms this week, it is imperative that I study.

Didn't gym all of last week cause I was sick. Part laziness too at the end. Starting again today after this.

JK just went to the gym. Rough day.
 

NorwegianDJ

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I feel like writing. I spend too much time randomly surfing the web, browsing reddit, succumbing to video games. I need an outlet.

But I dislike writing about drugs on here. I feel that if someone one day reads these things, they'll get the wrong impression. So be it.


I look at the post above, and I don't remember either of those two girls. I'm trying to wrestle it out of my subconscious, but I've got nothing.. Still nothing. At least I remember the girl from the post above that, but she's hard to forget.

I turned a girl from celibate to FWB on Friday night. Phil was over with his girlfriend Gabi, hanging out with myself and a Norwegian friend, doing the occasional line off her gorgeous ass. We find a girl, a friend of Phil, and lose my friend. The two girls are hooking up and our newfound girl, let's call her Nikki, is in this moment desperately bisexual. Turns out she doesn't want to have sex with Phil, so I hang out with Gabi, fingering herself, Phil returns, what starts with Gabi trying to convince Nikki turns into the girls getting each other off in the bathroom. Our threesome attempt ends and I'm left with Nikki. She just wants to cuddle/sleep, but I wasn't into that. I was being a bit of a ****, but her behavior made sense when she started talking about being raped 4 times and going celibate for 3 months now. I'm laying here thinking how I didn't sign up for this ****. For some reason I got into a psychedelic state and started holding her tightly, saying how much love I was feeling for her, and 'transferring' these feelings to her. Very much reminded me of the dirty blonde girl 2 posts above, where we just stared into each others eyes. These things get very primal, and I think that's a big part of why I have such great sex. Anyway, this turned into enthusiastic sex that I'm pretending to myself that I remember. I remember her begging me to come. That's about it.

We stayed up through the night, but she was too sore for anything. After making me breakfast and contemplating if the coke was actually meth, she convinces me to drop acid with her, luring me in with promises of acid-fueled sex adventures. It was already in my plans to drop with a good chunk of my friends that day, but that plan was 6 hours in the future. We enjoy the rays of the rising sun on the balcony, while the residual plane-clouds **** with my perception of 3D space. She eventually gets too bothered with not having her phone charged and no cigarettes that she leaves, leaving me by myself, on no sleep, no food, largely disoriented with what I am to do with my time.


I had about 1g Phenibut during this time, but let's skip to 1pm. People are now finally congregating and dropping their own tabs. I redose with them as we chill on the roof, enjoying our last warm and sunny day in February. What luck. I feel amazing. This combo is amazing. The headspace that I'm in is much more sober than acid-y. No anxiety at all, which is gorgeous. Playing around in the park, buying slushees, just a good 10-15 of us hanging out at any time. We went to see Deadpool, stacking 5 of us tripping kids in the backseat. Until now I have not known what unshakable confidence feels like. A powerful feeling that everything is right, a complete trust in myself, endless energy. Hard to describe, but it was beautiful. Deadpool was amazing, so good, and that's how I would describe the feeling. I felt just like Deadpool.

What else do I want to rant about.. My lung has been acting up again, so I've been away from the gym for a little while. Got a result from a CT scan back in summer, and they saw something iffy. Meh.

It's a shame this forum stopped being active when I stopped coming around. I suppose refurnishing the forum also saw some people leave. The posts/journals are all very much the same. They always have been, including mine, don't get me wrong. It's just a bit futile. Your question, either half answered or fully, the poster rarely follows the advice. I know by the time I read the title, if the post is about a specific girl or two especially. The journals are filled with 'I did this today' and 'I want this and I'm doing these pseudo-improvements, but I'm really just half-assing because I don't know what I'm doing'. That's maybe a bit harsh, but I don't feel like journals hold much value past self-reflection unless one has a different and structured approach. Setting goals and following a plan is hard, but the whole process requires time from the point of deciding on a goal. You cannot expect to get results when you try to minimize time from stage 1.

As for the rest of the forum, it's disturbing how much misogyny and mental instability there is here. Always been like that though, hence why I never visit the main forum. Want to be improve your relations with women? Stop jerking off and watching porn for starters. How are you gonna get motivation to do anything if you can retreat to your safe pleasure palace at any time? Stop being weak. It also helps you view women as people. You'd be surprised. This is a note to self also.

I've had a consistent FWB that recently got a boyfriend, so that is over for now. I'm going through my messages and I can't remember who half the girls are. A bit disturbing.

Finally got to go back to Cape Town this winter. Nice to reconnect with everyone.

I want to write about more, but I want to write with emotion, and at this point I ain't got much.
 
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Wow glad to see that you're back. I've been following your journal since I first discovered this site 2 years ago and it's pretty cool to see how you've changed. Well everyone has anyway. Lots of drugs in your life lol. What are your plans for your future?
 

NorwegianDJ

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Wow glad to see that you're back. I've been following your journal since I first discovered this site 2 years ago and it's pretty cool to see how you've changed. Well everyone has anyway. Lots of drugs in your life lol. What are your plans for your future?
I'm in college in Colorado, I don't know how it is other places, but I'm surrounded by it and I am not an anomaly. I do a select few and I'm smart in my approach. I guess I also have access to next to anything I'd want.

I'll be here till I finish college, which I think should be another year and a half, possibly two. I should find out. After then I'll either travel on spare money or work for a year or two in Norway, live at my parents', save up money, then go travel.
 

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NorwegianDJ

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Between my 11am class and my 1pm class I like to come to the UMC, listen to my music or a podcast and **** around on my computer while I watch people. From where I sit now I'm not even subtle. This beautiful quite blonde (thats the one descriptive gendered english word) girl is listening intently to her friend. And you know, I'm good at listening, I think. But I lose focus. Somewhere along the line I get distracted and then there's the anxiety of keeping up with the conversation, before you know it, the whole thing is a chore. We've all got weaknesses.


Blogging/journaling has been one of the best things that I've done. Our memory is quite poor and I would surely have forgotten half of the things I've written here. Moreover, it's relaxing and helps me reconnect with myself. I also believe this journal to be a reason my english writing and essay writing to be as good as they are. I still can't do work for ****. I never start and I sometimes finish. We're considering the possibility that I have ADHD, but I of most people know that jumping on stimulants isn't gonna solve much in the long term. It is merely a crutch, but it can be a useful one. It certainly is an enticing one. I'm a God on Vyvanse. Being able to have that euphoria and level of productivity on a regular basis is unheard of. I guess there'll be additional cash flow from it too, as taking amphetamines every day is crazy. We'll see.

You know, judging by looks is one of our greatest fallacies. With our mindset, so much of our life becomes about procreation. It truly truly gets so much in the way, but it is also nature's greatest motivator. I hate that I can't see myself with a girl that isn't attractive to me, but on the flipside beauty gives me so much energy and passion. It is the ultimate discrimination.

Realizing this I compare to looking at Facebook on acid. Here I look around the room and my eyes rest on beauty and skips whatever I don't deem important to survival/procreation. But on deeper inspection I see all these normal people working on projects together, having intimate conversations, being lost in their computer like me, you know, vibrant lives. Nothing is different, yet the world treats them differently all based on this simple fallacy. This feels like an incomplete narrative, but so is the nature of much of my writing. I get on a tangent and ride it out. Back to Facebook, you spot all these.. objects that have always been present on this site that you constantly use, yet you have trained yourself to ignore these things that have proven non-essential to your browsing experience. Unlearning these conditionings presents you with a deeper appreciation and a more vibrant experience of life.
 

NorwegianDJ

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I used to give random compliments. Not often, but I'd somehow get myself to tell strangers how beautiful they were. Now I have a greater urge than ever to share my experience and express happiness and support, but I can't make myself do it. I saw this girl 10 minutes ago, I wanted to take my headphones off and tell her how beautiful she was, despite, or even accentuated by her simple, unique style. She walked right past and I went to class.

Two days ago I walked past this girl that looked like everything I want. No action, sadness.


This 'correlates' nicely with the concept we're going over right now. Schema-dependent outcomes and Precognitive associative processes are the big concepts on the slide currently. They're not the best fit, but they work well to describe what I think is going on, partly.

Schemas are my concepts of the world

Precognitive association is my learned association between context and outcomes.

The only cold-approach I've done on campus was a brief period in Freshman year. Let me clarify: I did approach a ****load of people initially, like 50 a day, but none of those were on campus. All were related to the bus, dorm, going out, or eating. After this I cold approached a bit with a guy from SimplePickup, but it wasn't anything challenging.

My point is that your character is quite related to your circumstance. Like all other things in nature, a human can not be isolated from his environment. In many ways we are a product of circumstance, in the grand scheme, but in this instance, our personality. Confidence can be interpreted as your basal self-esteem (Which acquiring is the most rewarding journey) plus your situational confidence.

To pull out some examples, you are different when you interact with close friends, your parents, and girls, or especially with less self-esteem: good-looking girls or girls with a powerful character. These are broad examples though. The factor I'm focusing on here is your environment. I'm used to completely letting go at house-parties in Cape Town, but this hasn't translated to parties here in Colorado. Don't get me wrong, I still do my thing, but not once in my stay here have I tried hooking up with multiple girls a night (although I have), or had the same mindset. Similarly, my approaching/compliments has been in the context of festivals, and wherever I don't remember.

My point is that these behaviors didn't come naturally in my new environment. Now, it is important to remember that I did the best cold-approaching Ive ever done, but the rest didn't translate. Nor did the approaching, but that I never did consistently. Another point: all these behaviors are strongly tied to my mental state. More specifically: flow state. My method has always been to get myself into a flow state, and then everything works from there. My initial months in college I kept in going and hence my positive behaviors. My flow state was often initiated with alcohol and pro-social behaviors. Nowadays I don't access it often, but rather different states of normal functioning and experimenting with impacting how I feel in these states. That's another topic. For flow state or general feeling better I self-medicate. Noopept, Phenibut, addy/Vyvanse, acid. My intention with these drugs is rarely a flow state, aside from Phenibut. I'm rambling. My point is that I don't access that flow state much anymore, hence the behaviors that are associated with it don't emerge as strongly as I'd like.

Ironically, these behaviors also induce a flow state. In the end here is what matters. I must start inducing these behaviors ASAP in order to normalize them in both my environment and normal mental state. This means that I must get better at acting independent of my emotions. This is something I struggle with a lot. Recognizing that your emotions will change down the line and starting the task. Since I had a session with my counselor and my mother, I've been struggling with being proactive and having long-term awareness. I think with all the talk about seeking a diagnosis for ADHD, well firstly, I've noticed a lot of prominent symptoms that I've never considered to not be normal. I think this was causing me to develop a victim personality, which had me rationalize my laziness through a feeling of lack of control and power. Because of this I've had 2 slow weeks. Somehow I didn't do poorly, aside from forgetting to study for a test. I've been delaying my work a lot, but the classes allow for it. Especially after I talked to one teacher about my issue, but that also let me rationalize it more. I'm now finally registering for classes and finishing my prop research proposal. Starting these tasks has felt so daunting that I felt I couldn't do it without addy/vyvanse. That's a terrible feeling by the way and it is so interesting how much impact your mindset and thoughts have on you. I felt as if everything was chaotic and not in my control. Hard to be happy, continuous procrastination, and seeking instant gratification. In other words I haven't been to the gym, barely been eating, and smoking a lot.

However, that feeling has been subsiding and I'm coming back stronger.

I'm going to Moab this weekend with my friend and others in the fraternity. Should be super fun and we'll be raving on Sunday or Saturday. https://slacklinemedia.files.wordpress.com/2014/12/dsc_9867.jpg These are the people I'll be hanging out with, so it should be eventful.

Goals are to hit up the gym again, go to yoga regularly, do well on my final projects and exams, and get more in touch with myself through introspection and proactive behaviors.

To expand briefly, since I yell about that so much:
Class is done, so I don't have time to be descriptive or think a lot here.

Gym: Ideal: 6 times a week following my program (I'll happily post, but it isn't special, its just PPLx2). If I find myself in a position where I can't hit the gym enough (lung, exams), then I will either change the program to 3x a week and different exercises, or go to yoga 6x/week.

Yoga: Solution is to just go and then I'll start going a lot. Main issue has been motivation and timing. I'll set off time in my calendar to go to yoga so I can't forget about it, because it requires planning. Goal is to go 3x per week.

School: Complete all my work on time and to the best of my ability. In this class I'm in I am allowed to turn in unfinished homeworks, so I've got quite a few to turn in here. I also just talked to the teacher and I'll improve my lab reports also, so I'm now looking at an A range instead of a C range for this class. I'll have to get more on top of and make a plan for my two (or is it three or four?) final projects. Similarly, I'll sit down and form a schedule for studying for finals.

Personal: I'll be candyflipping in Moab, which should be a nice reset button to get me in a more positive and motivated mindset going forward. I'll be making an effort to be loving, open, and free, and translate that to everyday life. I'll be attempting to talk to strangers again and put more effort towards attaining a flow state, something which is a great solution to many issues for many people. So on.

Check out Seth Godin and his blog here: http://sethgodin.typepad.com/seths_blog/
What I really am recommending here is listening to this podcast: http://fourhourworkweek.com/2016/02/10/seth-godin/
I'll continue to provide informative podcasts on my updates.
Shoot me a reply.
 

NorwegianDJ

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2 posts one day, hype.

I'm really just stimulated, procrastinating my research proposal.

Sometime this week Danielle put on Mr. Deeds and I ended up watching it. Babe has one line that prompted this entry just as much as my clenching jaw. Deeds is a simple guy, straightforward and a depth of kindness. However, he does not act like a 'normal person'.


Have you ever considered the range of expression we have as humans? Do not for one second think you've got people figured out, or more importantly: that all cultures are like the culture you know. I didn't recognize exactly how much depth the concept of culture has until recent years, and I've been a lot of places. What I'm initially focusing on are basic levels of communication. In our Western culture I'm reminded of how our desire to maximize our own (social) value clouds all interactions. Our every action becomes "What's the best response here?" "How do I get her?", half-listening and half forming a response, conversation becomes a chore, with our minds in the future we lose the magic of the moment.

Babe is in love with Deeds, she quits her job and tells her boss that Deeds doesn't share their sense of ironic detachment. I love that - ironic detachment, it summarizes our interactions so well. A significant chunk of my 'self-improvement' is letting go of this mentality and being myself and accepting myself. It's quite hard, but who would you rather be? Have you ever thought about what an amazing time we live in? Thought about how ****ed things are currently? Thought about the glories of growing older? I feel like I only recently gave growing old(er) an extended thought. Doesn't sound likely, but honestly I can't remember ever even considering myself being 40 years old or more. How glorious is that? I've potentially only lived less than a 5th of my life, or even less. I always feel like I need to do everything RIGHT NOW, but this reminds me that life is long and full of life.

I want to continue talking about this topic of human interaction, because it is important. We are playing a game. With ourselves and with each other. Nothing wrong with playing games or being lost in a game, I mean, we already are! However, our present sociocultural environment is not very conducive to authentic expression. It's all a game and we play the game till the end. Present yourself the best way to get the girl! Perform your tasks and become better! So on, so forth. Why did I spend so much time crafting the best Facebook messages? For now, I'm more interested in honing in specifically on interactions.

Presenting yourself the best way (to the girl) is a good place to start here, certainly something I can relate to. I've been noticing recently that a lot of my behavior, or my self-judgments (maybe?), stem from comparing myself to other people. Increasingly realizing that I am a unique person, that my goofy laugh doesn't have to match my good looks, that I don't have to let my behavior be guided by constant consideration of the highest value action. I can grow my hair out past my shoulders, I can smile (and it will be OK). I can choose my destiny, my friends, lovers. From here, I can live.

I keep getting off-track, but ranting is my strategy to writing. If I don't free-write, I don't write at all, or at least it's very slow. #NoFilter.

Think about how you 'woo' girls. Perhaps you initially only see her here and there, but you start expecting where she will be. You make sure that every time you interact you leave a positive impression: Overthinking a conversation starter, nervously beating each conversational obstacle in the way, leaving on a high note. I'm not gonna tell you this doesn't work, because I know for a fact that it does. But it is fake. It is stressful and you the pressure you put on yourself takes away half the enjoyment along the way.

1/2
 
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NorwegianDJ

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I've always admired people that are in touch with themselves and have the esteem to back it up. Their presence radiates and you can just feel their authenticity. It's beautiful and I strive for it. Without worrying about winning they can be fully immersed in a now pleasant moment, where simple things matter. Don't hate yourself for not being what you desire. Time takes its time, but make use of it! These behaviors are simply survival mechanisms. The ability to self-administer punishment is a powerful adaption. Part of being human is recognizing our primal ways - to detach ourselves from them, but simultaneously accepting them.


When this happens, you start taking yourself and life less seriously. In this context my meaning is that wrongdoings, defamation, jokes at your expense, all are rendered meaningless. The consistency and congruency of your character holds less importance when you connect with your deep roots and the ego slips away. The whole ego construction is quite funny and interesting.

The dualistic nature of reality is a very interesting concept/theory. Strong recommendation: http://terebess.hu/english/AlanWatts-On The Taboo Against Knowing Who You Are.pdf - It just gets better the more you read.

Avoiding the trap of believing you know anything is important. Never succumb to the belief that you know what there is to know, or that you've got it all figured out.

To me, that feeling of being authentic can be predicted and possibly reproduced much like the flow state. More specifically: it's different than flow state in the way that this feeling is often induced by meditation, yoga, an inner journey, finding trust in another, or tuning into authentic people. I think I made a journal entry, but I remember finishing "The Way of the Peaceful Warrior" in Freshman year of college. I felt to pure. So alive and so at peace. I went to eat and sat down with these three girls. There were no feelings of inadequacy, no nervousness, just laughter, authenticity, and presence. The feeling lasted close to a week. Being in the presence of, or listening to, or reading the writing of a person in this state, transfers that state onto you. The wonders of technology.

You know, it is now 2:57 AM. I wrote most of this entry in class at noon. I still haven't done my research proposal. This time was different, but this is an issue. I'll have to complete it on Sunday night. Hopefully I don't have a hangover.

I feel like writing till I fall asleep though. I just had some melatonin to combat the stimulants, add some grass and you've got a sleep ****tail. The combination of Adderal, Phenibut, and weed is one of my favorite. Not that it happens even semi-regularly, but let me tell you: the addy makes me focused and productive. It's euphoric and everything is awesome. I've noticed that especially when I'm not sober, I have a hard time not being distracted by thoughts or.. distractions. This brings my focus closer to the resemblance of a... I got distracted and forgot, mid-sentence.. lol. Focal point! That's it.

Phenibut is a GABAb (or a, dont remember) inhibitor, so it works similarly to alcohol. No feeling of being drunk, but a sense of being clear-minded (as if all your worries went away), and a powerful reduction in anxiety. When I smoke, I tend to get an anxious feeling in my chest. I try to face my anxiety head on (although I don't spend enough time introspectively - to gain clarity about my anxiety), but Phenibut makes them go away, mostly. Now I can enjoy the relaxation, creativity, and pseudo-awareness that I find in weed. The combo cancels out negatives and each part accentuates the other, however it isn't complete. Some opioid would probably fit in nicely. I don't dabble in opioids, but that's what I'd imagine. BE MINDFUL: Just because I talk about drugs doesn't mean I do it irresponsibly, excessively, or haven't done thorough research and testing. These substances are addictive and can have negative effects, among powerful withdrawals, if you overdo it. Don't break the law, and be smart, take no chances. It's important to recognize when something endogenous can have powerful positive effects, likewise, it's even more important to recognize when their effects are harmful. Never take a drug received from someone you do not trust. Test, if possible. If not, a very low dose and working up is generally a safe approach. Doing your research and amassing knowledge is vital to your safety. Know or consult all drug interactions, know the effects and plan accordingly, for better and worse. Dosages, set & setting, and your mental state. Meditation helps as preparation and bringing non-judgmental introspection (and calmness/sense of peace) to your experience. It also helps you control your thoughts and clear your mind, taking in the surroundings. You may find that you access states of significant mental clarity, extreme euphoria, unparalleled despair, complete peace, self-loathing, unknown creativity, amazement, more alive than ever, or numb to the core. Your thoughts can stop being yours, you can succumb to them or be empowered, or perhaps just let them be. Your body can crease to be yours as you experience complete depersonalization, having no care what happens to this sack of meat. You find life and you find death, highs and lows. Jesus Christ I'm way too into romanticizing this topic right now. Makes for fun writing. You may learn to accept inevitable death. It's just like before you were born, right?? When this fear disappears, life is more vibrant. Remember that life moves forward and there is no need to rush here. I would recommend some drugs to be utilized for self-improvement/exploring yourself if possible, but I reiterate: don't break the law, and treat drugs with the respect they command. Further, I understand that this is a High School forum, I remember myself finding this website just before 7th grade. Do not mess with drugs, love. You are still developing and that is a serious matter. Looking back, in general, there were a lot of things I thought I had a grasp on, but I really just had an immature perspective. Still do. Even through high school and into college (and further) you will find that you were a degree more lost in your past ways. I look back at college freshman me, or heck, high school, and there are uncountable (probably fairly countable ish) things that I did not realize or learn yet at the time. Just accept that you're gonna have to play safe. Without experience with psychedelics you cannot imagine how terrified you'll be when after feeling tense or nauseous, a thought springs to life: "What is the cause of me feeling this way?" followed by "Do I know if it's acid?" suddenly your entire being is encapsuled by dread. "Did I overdose on 25i?" "Will I be like this forever?"

Do yourself the favor that when you do end up consuming, you know exactly what you're ingesting and have done your research.

Something I notice in general, but is very prominent with - I was gonna say with drug usage, but it's really just for psychedelics again + cannabis. Very much relating to the above post, I've found that the degree of a positive experience is significantly correlated with my level of comfort. For me there are usually two main causes for anxiety. Firstly, my level of comfort with the people I'm with. I find that, aside from general intuitive bonding methods, connection with and reaching out to people helps me. Making yourself vulnerable can often be the first step to form a bond or in creating a safe space (lol) where people don't feel anxiety about being themselves. Always remember that everyone is doing their best from their level of awareness/consciousness/insert pretentious new age term. Further, limit your assumptions [about others]. Assumptions are an estimated likelihood. When investing in the stock market, you are typically looking for a 4:1 or higher return to make the risk profitable in the long term. Treat your assumptions similarly.

The 2nd cause of anxiety is often myself as a result of my perception of my environment interlaced with innate levels of anxiety. Solutions are easily found here also. Increasing your feelings of control, mastery, adequacy, usually through accomplishing goals and feeling like you are progressing goes a long way. In the moment, meditating on my breath, breathing deep and slowly (stomach filled first and emptied last), and even body-language exercises like changing pose, smiling, laughing, or stretching.

When things take a chaotic turn, don't let the disappearance of order cause you anxiety. Just let go.

That was quite a rant. I suppose drugs are a current passion of mine. I'm fascinated by them and their effects. How I can induce certain states, endogenously. Perhaps running away from improving my emotion-action paradigm. I mean how I often let my emotions (aside from anger) guide my behaviors. Still, I believe drugs have helped me see myself more objectively and therefore better capable of recognizing patterns in my behavior (AKA my character) and make adjustments accordingly.

Enough ranting about that. I'm excited for this weekend. I've got a defining time ahead and I've gotta step up.

Check out this podcast. Great entertainment, awesome ideas, and perspective-shifting potential. I'd jump on anything Aubrey Marcus.
http://podcasts.joerogan.net/podcasts/aubrey-marcus-6
 
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NorwegianDJ

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Isn't it funny that the entry at the top of this page is almost 2 years ago?

There's something beautiful about writing down your thoughts online, simultaneously scary and eerie for the same reasons.

I want you all to listen to this album by Andrew Bayer. The first 2 songs may be hit or miss, but listen to it all the way through, or at least start on the 3rd.

https://open.spotify.com/album/5lR2OH2Mw2L1dwIBpM16GD

I experienced his album as a story of birth and going through life.

I'm back in Norway again and sustaining through the typical first 2-3 weeks where no one is around and there is little to do. I'm very accustomed to finding most of my information and entertainment on the internet, so when I'm on this island with 10gb/month, it's not quite ideal.

I hope to read and finish:
Freakonomics & Think like a Freak
Robert Greene's 33 Strategies of War and his 48 Laws of Power
and Tony Robbins' Money: Master the Game (how cheesy), but Tony will forever be who he is and his material is top quality.

Sometimes I'm enveloped by this feeling, best described as melancholy. It's light and may come in waves, usually related to lack of present activities, or perhaps a feeling of being stuck. It's a feeling that has me be content doing nothing, but it fades and I'm only writing of it because I am feeling it in this moment. It's honestly quite lethargic in nature. Anyway.

It's a month since the last post and a lot has happened. It seems appropriate to begin with the Moab Rave.
So, private event, Canyon, Jake, and I & 50 other desert dwellers. The drive was an extra 3+ hours due to a blizzard, totaling at 9 hours. First night was uneventful and we spent the following day looking at the nature. Jake was excited for his first acid trip, while I was intrigued by the prospects of my first rave and taking psychedelics with people that I didn't know, as to me it is quite a personal thing. Over half the people there watched Canyon grow up, so he was home. We stocked up on berries and such, I borrowed a squirrel onesie, and we started our night at 9pm or so.

I don't like being super detailed as I've learned it takes away from the story. The stage was ~ 10x7 meters and about 5 or so tall. Between all the rafters there were tied a ton of ropes so that you could lay, walk, and climb around the whole thing. We spent our come-up on the top-front beam and I can only imagine how funny it looked to see this squirrel dancing and hanging around on top of the stage.

The whole night as awesome. Jake couldn't stop smiling as he discovered how enormous the mountains were, the property of echo's and the wonders of peeing in nature. The first time is always beautiful. I guess it can be a disaster too. It can always be a disaster. I tend to be quite lucid until I smoke, which we did, which is when everything turns into hyperdrive. I decided to climb on the rafters and lay on the ropes, while the DJ started playing the most beautiful sounds I've heard in my entire life. It wasn't music, he was manipulating a note, a tone, whatever it was, in my head he was telling the story of life. Being born out of the world and the happenings that arise from interaction. He would distort and mesh, play wonderful melodies and harmonize with my soul, I felt deep anxiety, empathy, and ecstasy as he laid the music out and we all listened intently. I'm still waiting for the copy, but he made another set inspired by this one, here: https://soundcloud.com/anthonymotto/deep-inspiration
I just want to say that since this event my anxiety (which wasn't major in the first place, but the more you notice yourself, the more I noticed my anxiety) it is now greatly diminished. This stuff really is therapeutic if done right.

There was Falkor, who had taken way too much MDMA, waaay too much. There was I, cutting my hand open climbing down the stage, receiving a bandage from the guy that was firing up the Nitrous earlier. On that note, by the stage there were these fire-cannons set up that people could control and they were awesome! There was 'Scarecrow' with his lovely guitar at 8 in the morning, lighting up the canyon and adding depth to the clouds. There was his druggie friends that were all strung out on Ketamine. I was humoring myself talking to this guy and his face was just covered in ketamine, literally all around his nose and mouth and face. He was saying the weirdest ****, but you get used to the weird **** when you yourself start talking about space entities and time stopping for infinity, but this was some weird ****. At a point he starts saying something along the lines of "This is agent ---- reporting to --- blablbabla" lol. Poor guy had convinced himself of some conspiracy reality and I told him I wanted nothing to do with it. It's easy to get convinced of though, and I am reminded by some thoughts I entertained through childhood. Weird **** happens when you're up past sunrise. We also drove the jeep around with ~10 people in the back, acting as a deep-desert taxi service. lol. We drove back to Canyon's and slept it out till be left later that day. I smoked out back, next to a mormon church to help me sleep. Before I fell asleep I got to experience synesthesia for the first time! Firstly, I was wondering where the music was coming from, but I discovered I could play these 4 different songs in my head at my command. I would move my tongue on my front teeth and hear different tones and see specific colors, super cool! Great weekend.

Finished school with a new vigor, but said vigor is nowhere near where I have been and where I want to be. I have officially begun testing for ADHD here in Norway, so that should be informative. We all work differently and I've realized that my attention works differently than to that of many. It means I excel at certain things and may need a boost with others.

Been doing some construction work the past few days. Gonna walk around with my resume as usual this week. Met and talked with a girl in the store she worked, friendly and enjoyable half an hour, didn't get her contacts because her boss said she couldn't give them out while at work, oh well. I really hope I can make Norway interesting, because at this rate I'm gonna just spend the summer wasting away but making money. Blah. So Damn Lonely.
 
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