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Need help with my situation, got LJBF'd by my best friend!

ninjahawk

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I'm in love with my best friend who I hang out with everyday, it's been like that for years now. We've traveled abroad together, we do almost everything together.

I'm currently in the midst of a divorce and over the last year, me and the bestie got even closer because I would talk to her about everything.

About two months ago, we were traveling abroad in a group of 4 close friends and we were out partying at a nightclub, she was dancing and kissing this random dude and I got really jealous, couldn't take it, and left with one of the friends back to my hotel. The bestie came back to our room a little later and we all hung out. The next day, I hooked up with a girl from a dating app, and I did it all right in front of bestie. I met the girl at the hotel bar, then we all went out to party, and a little while later, I left with the girl and spent the night with her. This is when it dawned on me that I have feelings for bestie.

Everything was normal between us, we were back to base, hanging out everyday like usual. One crazy night of drinking, led to me kissing her and she asked me: are things over fully with your wife? Are you ready to start dating using apps? I was still trying to make out with her and she also said "Love in friendship is very different from romantic love, and you wouldn't listen to me if I'd say if we were together because we're such close friends" and while I wanted to go further than that, she wasn't reciprocal so obviously I stopped and we just cuddled for a while and that's when I told her that the only reason I hooked up with the girl on our trip was because I got jealous seeing her kiss someone else and not me.

The next day after this incident, we were hanging out, and she said you were so drunk and trying to make out with me! We didn't end up talking further and again just let it go. Things were absolutely normal again between us.

A few weeks ago, it was just me and her and another friend hanging out. Throughout the night she was very touchy with me and was holding my hand for so long. Little later, we were cuddling and half asleep ad I told her that I'd want to spend the rest of my life waking up next to her and she's the one I'd want to start a family with and spend the rest of my life with and I asked if she'd consider that? She acted like she didn't hear anything, even though I repeated it a few times, but she didn't give me a response at all.

Things were again completely normal for the next 3-4 days and we were out partying again. Before going out, I asked her - Did you really not hear what I said that night? She was again evasive and then I asked her again at the club, and here's when she said - "I want to be there for you as your friend, I don't think we can be what you want us to be". I obviously was a bit upset and I anyways had to attend another party at the club that was next door so I jut left. A couple of hours, the bestie and other friend came to the club where I was and we were out having a smoke, and I drunkenly blurted out to my other friend, that did she tell you that I'm in love with her? The same night (before bestie and friend arrived), I ended up kissing an old flame of mine that I bumped into and when we were on the way back in the car together, that friend called and gave me a piece of her mind asking why I did that because she's now married with a kid. All this drama played out in front of bestie who I told that I loved.

The next morning I reflected a lot to understand my feelings and sent her a long e-mail telling her how I fell in love with her, and the times when I was jealous about her seeing other guys but couldn't say anything because I was married and how I admired and loved her but was crushed to know she didn't feel the same way, but that I'll move on from this and hopefully can go back to things being normal.

When we met the same evening after my morning e-mail - She said she sees me as a friend, that she never saw me in a romantic way, that she doesn't want to give me any hopes, and that she needs her space to process everything, and that this changes a lot of things. She also misconceived a few things about our times together in the past, thinking that I'd try to manipulate things because I was in love with her, like the times we went travelling abroad, and the time I took her out for dinners, movies etc. but I clarified that everything I did for her, I did as a friend.

We met the next day at another common friend's place, and I tried keeping conversation with her to the minimal. The day after she called me and vented out to me that I'm not giving her space to process everything, and she spoke about some other things about my behavior like why I always talk about my work so much, that I don't know anything about her, that she's a really independent woman - didn't make much sense. I anyways sent her a response saying I was sorry to be putting her through this, but I can't help that we have common friends and that I just want everything to go back to normal.

Now, she's angry at me, awkward around me, says she needs her space. She's been avoiding me at times, we're meeting less and in separate groups. We didn't end up spending New Year's together.

Finally after about 2 weeks, she called and we ended up hanging out with our usual group. Two friends from our group were getting married later that week, we even attended their wedding together, but she didn't leave with me after the wedding after party. She decided to stay longer, which is highly unusual behavior.

After about 2 weeks of this hanging out business, I couldn't take it anymore. Last week when she called I didn't answer the phone and sent her a text later saying that I can't be a real friend to her and I'd rather move on than be stuck in a crap state of mind. She didn't reply, and we haven't spoken since - it's been a week now.

I've already started going on dates as well and I'm trying to move on but I'd love to be with her - I think we'd have a wonderful relationship together.

I need help to figure out how I can make this happen!

Thank you everyone for taking the time to read this long post.
 

Spaz

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sent her a text later saying that I can't be a real friend to her and I'd rather move on than be stuck in a crap state of mind.
This was the only viable option and you did it.

Have patience, meanwhile you must steel ur resolve by continuing to date with different women.

Aside to the above, go spend sometime reading up the DJ Bible.

It will help to strengthen your frame.
 

LARaiders85

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I'm in love with my best friend who I hang out with everyday, it's been like that for years now. We've traveled abroad together, we do almost everything together.

I'm currently in the midst of a divorce and over the last year, me and the bestie got even closer because I would talk to her about everything.

About two months ago, we were traveling abroad in a group of 4 close friends and we were out partying at a nightclub, she was dancing and kissing this random dude and I got really jealous, couldn't take it, and left with one of the friends back to my hotel. The bestie came back to our room a little later and we all hung out. The next day, I hooked up with a girl from a dating app, and I did it all right in front of bestie. I met the girl at the hotel bar, then we all went out to party, and a little while later, I left with the girl and spent the night with her. This is when it dawned on me that I have feelings for bestie.

Everything was normal between us, we were back to base, hanging out everyday like usual. One crazy night of drinking, led to me kissing her and she asked me: are things over fully with your wife? Are you ready to start dating using apps? I was still trying to make out with her and she also said "Love in friendship is very different from romantic love, and you wouldn't listen to me if I'd say if we were together because we're such close friends" and while I wanted to go further than that, she wasn't reciprocal so obviously I stopped and we just cuddled for a while and that's when I told her that the only reason I hooked up with the girl on our trip was because I got jealous seeing her kiss someone else and not me.

The next day after this incident, we were hanging out, and she said you were so drunk and trying to make out with me! We didn't end up talking further and again just let it go. Things were absolutely normal again between us.

A few weeks ago, it was just me and her and another friend hanging out. Throughout the night she was very touchy with me and was holding my hand for so long. Little later, we were cuddling and half asleep ad I told her that I'd want to spend the rest of my life waking up next to her and she's the one I'd want to start a family with and spend the rest of my life with and I asked if she'd consider that? She acted like she didn't hear anything, even though I repeated it a few times, but she didn't give me a response at all.

Things were again completely normal for the next 3-4 days and we were out partying again. Before going out, I asked her - Did you really not hear what I said that night? She was again evasive and then I asked her again at the club, and here's when she said - "I want to be there for you as your friend, I don't think we can be what you want us to be". I obviously was a bit upset and I anyways had to attend another party at the club that was next door so I jut left. A couple of hours, the bestie and other friend came to the club where I was and we were out having a smoke, and I drunkenly blurted out to my other friend, that did she tell you that I'm in love with her? The same night (before bestie and friend arrived), I ended up kissing an old flame of mine that I bumped into and when we were on the way back in the car together, that friend called and gave me a piece of her mind asking why I did that because she's now married with a kid. All this drama played out in front of bestie who I told that I loved.

The next morning I reflected a lot to understand my feelings and sent her a long e-mail telling her how I fell in love with her, and the times when I was jealous about her seeing other guys but couldn't say anything because I was married and how I admired and loved her but was crushed to know she didn't feel the same way, but that I'll move on from this and hopefully can go back to things being normal.

When we met the same evening after my morning e-mail - She said she sees me as a friend, that she never saw me in a romantic way, that she doesn't want to give me any hopes, and that she needs her space to process everything, and that this changes a lot of things. She also misconceived a few things about our times together in the past, thinking that I'd try to manipulate things because I was in love with her, like the times we went travelling abroad, and the time I took her out for dinners, movies etc. but I clarified that everything I did for her, I did as a friend.

We met the next day at another common friend's place, and I tried keeping conversation with her to the minimal. The day after she called me and vented out to me that I'm not giving her space to process everything, and she spoke about some other things about my behavior like why I always talk about my work so much, that I don't know anything about her, that she's a really independent woman - didn't make much sense. I anyways sent her a response saying I was sorry to be putting her through this, but I can't help that we have common friends and that I just want everything to go back to normal.

Now, she's angry at me, awkward around me, says she needs her space. She's been avoiding me at times, we're meeting less and in separate groups. We didn't end up spending New Year's together.

Finally after about 2 weeks, she called and we ended up hanging out with our usual group. Two friends from our group were getting married later that week, we even attended their wedding together, but she didn't leave with me after the wedding after party. She decided to stay longer, which is highly unusual behavior.

After about 2 weeks of this hanging out business, I couldn't take it anymore. Last week when she called I didn't answer the phone and sent her a text later saying that I can't be a real friend to her and I'd rather move on than be stuck in a crap state of mind. She didn't reply, and we haven't spoken since - it's been a week now.

I've already started going on dates as well and I'm trying to move on but I'd love to be with her - I think we'd have a wonderful relationship together.

I need help to figure out how I can make this happen!

Thank you everyone for taking the time to read this long post.
I think the biggest mistake that men make in the situation is that they think that the sex is a culmination of a long friendship when in reality the sex with the beginning of a completely new relationship no different than a first date with a complete stranger. So they get too needy and show too much attachment too quickly.

She is also acting completely selfish and self-absorbed because she's not getting the validation she wanted to keeping you around knowing that you wanted her.
 

Alvafe

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I think the biggest mistake that men make in the situation is that they think that the sex is a culmination of a long friendship when in reality the sex with the beginning of a completely new relationship no different than a first date with a complete stranger. So they get too needy and show too much attachment too quickly.

She is also acting completely selfish and self-absorbed because she's not getting the validation she wanted to keeping you around knowing that you wanted her.
its a woman, of course she is selfish, everything is always about me I and myself, she want to marry, she want to have kids, she is the one who want such and such, guys should jsut enable her to do so.

he did several mistakes, but like spaz said he did the only thing he could, stop talking with her and move on, nothing else to it, he just need now to ignore her, and move on, would be helpfull also the next time they make a friends meeting with her going, he bring a date, that would piss her to a huge lvl and she then would try hard to reel him, and on that moment he would just ignore her

but I doubt he would had the balls, so ignoring her and being polite is the best he can do
 

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jaymbrs

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You can't force someone to want you the way you want them to. All I can say is sorry things didn't go in your favor. Sometimes a person just isn't what you want them to be. You'll get over it and move on eventually. When I was in a similar situation, I had to completely remove myself from her and the group of common friends we had. Made new friends and my attention did shift to other women. You just gotta put her out of your mind.
 
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Kotaix

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Your mistake was opening your mouth and gushing.

NEVER TELL A WOMAN HOW YOU REALLY FEEL, that's what women do. Never give the game away. You show them how you feel by looking them in the eyes, smiling at them, etc.

You're hitting on a problem that essentially affects everyone, both men and women. Big changes are often met with outright denial or dismissal, people are used to a status quo and don't like having it challenged., this can be on a personal level or at a work level. When this is the case, it usually takes them some time to process what you've said. You've honestly screwed up something that probably would have worked had you just left it alone and not be angry about the whole thing after you talked to her.

You did the right thing at least bringing it up with her, even if you fvcked it up, that takes balls. But don't be fvcking sorry for what you've done and try to put it back the way it was. It's too late for that.

Fight for what you want dude. Chicks dig it.
 

markfromeurope

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Years of this shyt dude? You were perfect for her valudation ecosystem.
All this holding hands and suckin' up when in bed together eheh

@OP: If she was in one bed with you, you were supposed to phuck her that night - instead you were all "I'm in love with you" s.hitmode. You had to have green light at some point, you just didn't notice it.
 

Robert28

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Y’all are glossing over the obvious mistake. This guy let himself be in a “friends only” relationship. Not FWB, but a friend with NO benefits. I’ll say this for the millionth time, DONT BE PLATONIC FRIENDS WITH WOMEN. Any woman. They love that because it gives them all the power and collecting orbiters is their ultimate orgasm.
 

markfromeurope

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Y’all are glossing over the obvious mistake. This guy let himself be in a “friends only” relationship. Not FWB, but a friend with NO benefits. I’ll say this for the millionth time, DONT BE PLATONIC FRIENDS WITH WOMEN. Any woman. They love that because it gives them all the power and collecting orbiters is their ultimate orgasm.
Orbiters power them up to go after alphas.
 

bat soup

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I'm in love with my best friend who I hang out with everyday, it's been like that for years now. We've traveled abroad together, we do almost everything together.

About two months ago, we were traveling abroad in a group of 4 close friends and we were out partying at a nightclub, she was dancing and kissing this random dude and I got really jealous

I was still trying to make out with he
r and and while I wanted to go further than that, she wasn't reciprocal so obviously I stopped and we just cuddled

I told her that I'd want to spend the rest of my life waking up next to her and she's the one I'd want to start a family with and spend the rest of my life with and I asked if she'd consider that? She acted like she didn't hear anything, even though I repeated it a few times, but she didn't give me a response at all.

.
I sent her a long e-mail telling her how I fell in love with her.

She said she sees me as a friend, that she never saw me in a romantic way, that she doesn't want to give me any hopes
, and that she needs her space to process everything, and that this changes a lot of things. She also misconceived a few things about our times together in the past, thinking that I'd try to manipulate things because I was in love with her, like the times we went travelling abroad, and the time I took her out for dinners, movies etc. but I clarified that everything I did for her, I did as a friend.

Now, she's angry at me, awkward around me, says she needs her space. She's been avoiding me at times, we're meeting less and in separate groups. We didn't end up spending New Year's together.

I've already started going on dates as well and I'm trying to move on but I'd love to be with her - I think we'd have a wonderful relationship together.

I need help to figure out how I can make this happen!
Firstly the bad news - this girl is NOT interested in you and never will be. She doesn't find you attractive to the point that she doesn't even consider you an option.

Here are the mistakes that you made:

- Not making a move when you first met her
- Spending time with her in group settings, rather than alone where you could make something happen
- Spending money on her (food drink and maybe even travel - did you pay for these trips?)
- Telling her your feelings by email (this is always a mistake)

The best thing you can do is to stop seeing her and tell her that to call you if (and only if) she changes her mind about taking things further. In future, make a move quickly and don't spend time hanging out with women that are not interested otherwise you are guaranteed to see her hooking up with other guys right in front of you and hear her tell you how she only sees you as her gay friend that pays for everything and listens to her problems.

The bad news is that women are all the same. The good news is that they are all the same, so next time you'll see this coming.
 

gravityeyelids

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I'm sorry dude but you made mistake after mistake. And the crummy part is that there WAS an opening. You basically clawed yourself out of the friendzone and then let go of your grip right as you were about to climb up over the ledge and fell all the way back down, except this time you broke your back in the fall. Let this go and learn from your mistakes.

Hooking up with other girls in front of her was good. She saw you as a sexual person with options.

"I told her that the only reason I hooked up with the girl on our trip was because I got jealous seeing her kiss someone else and not me."

This was bad. She then gave you a SECOND CHANCE by touching up on you and giving you a chance to take her, but then..

" I told her that I'd want to spend the rest of my life waking up next to her and she's the one I'd want to start a family with and spend the rest of my life with " This is also bad. You probably never want to say this kind of stuff to a girl, certainly not before you've had sex. When you're literally engaged is probably the only time you should be saying stuff like this. Even then, if you're getting engaged, it's clear what your intentions are, so no need to say it.

To be fair you were probably done when you told her you got jealous of her. She might have still been open to it after this, but this did the most damage. And then you kind of just dug yourself in further with the emailing and drunkenly shattering any type of frame you may have had.

Move on dude. There's really no coming back from this.
 
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