My self-improvement program

[snowdog]

You know that feeling when you just want to hang yourself? I'm sure most of you do because otherwise you won't be here.

When I look in the mirror I see a healthy, handsome-looking dude with a great physique. Really, I'm not bragging; I'm good looking and hot. And yet I'm also looking at a guy who can't get the girls he want. I'm looking at a guy who is frustrated that he's almost the only one of all his friends who didn't get laid yet. I'm looking at a guy who is trying to find a special girl who he can make love with for the first time.



Went to the monthly blues jam again. First time on stage I sucked, because there was no chemistry between the members. After that I just drank a few beers with my buddies. Not too many though, I was the driver again. So the approach was also sober.

The really hot singer chick was there too. When I saw her I felt those butterflies again. I tried to talk to her but I was being akward all the time. I know it's no excuse but I had the flu, was tired as f*ck from working and learning all week and had a bad night sleep. Ok, I guess that IS an excuse. Anyway, I was specificly planning on making a serious move, like I said in the post from last month, which is totally the opposite of what (not) happened tonight. I f*cked up I guess. I wanted to at least number close her. At one point she was about to leave and just the two of us were standing in the hallway. That was a perfect opportunity to atleast ask her number. Hell, I wonder what happened if I tried to kiss her. Meh, I guess I just would transmit my flu on her.... But seriously...., F*CK ME. I COULD HAD AT LEAST TRIED TO GET THAT NUMBER. After that it was my turn again to play. Afterwards everyone told me it was great because "I put so much emotion in my playing". No wonder, I really had the blues when I played.

I was feeling uncomfortable all the time during the exchange. Normally, I would just face my irrational and unnatural fears and go for it. But not tonight. I just waited too long, thought too much about sh*t and felt sh*tty all around.

Now I'm not sure ya know... Should I wait till I see her again, which will take another month, which is a long time. Or should I ask her out through that myspace site, which is f*cking corny and stupid.


Seriously. I was doing so well so far. At this moment, I feel like I've felt so many times. I'm in love with a girl and I'm about to f*ck it up by doing nothing, and I hate myself for it.


I'll keep approaching other chicks and trying to score, but really, this girl is the only one I really want. Even if I get to kiss close a girl, it won't be that big a deal for me right now.



I'll keep you guys updated. Sorry for the depressing post. Every dog has it's day I guess...

 

[snowdog]

Seriously, I have a crush on her and it drives me crazy.

 

[snowdog]

Somewhat scary little update...

Today one of my buddies gave a party. I went home when it was over and someone drove home with me who lived in the same town. I shouldn't be driving because I was drunk. Not smashed or anything, but just that little too much. And I knew it.

Anyway, as we drove along we talked a bit. I didn't know the guy so at one point in the conversation I asked his age. He told me he was 31, so I asked him if he was married. Then he told me he was gay. Let me pause here, the reason I posted here that I was drunk behind the wheel (something I'm definitely not proud of) is because otherwise I'd never asked the following questions.

I asked him why so many gay dudes try to hit on me. It is really true that a lot of gay dudes try to flirt with me, I seem to attract them. I told the guy that I was okay with all the gay sh*t and all, but that it totally wasn't my thing and that he should stay away from my ass. He told me I had a pretty face, a hot body, and especially my my mouth, because it would be perfect for sucking d*ck. After that information I felt like driving into a f*cking tree at full speed. Really, I'm scarred mentally forever now.


Well there I heard it again from the gay side this time, I am good looking. I'm also a great person. Why can't I get girls again...?

 

[SilverSonnet]

Hey snow. Your going through a rough patch at the minute. There will be times throughout your life where, one moment your happy, confident, pulling chicks like mad...and the next moment, your feeling crap, pulling NO women, and you just want to pack it all up.
This is the time when you need to put it all in, to fight through it, to win. Trust me, it's like going from sunny weather into a dark, horrible cloud, then awhile later, you come back out the other side.
It'll all get better bro, trust me.
Ben

 

[snowdog]

I mean f*ck it man, she's even winking at me and sh*t. She even did that a couple of months ago before I even talked to her. She did that again last friday. How is that not a f*cking obvious clear sign? How can I ever f*ck an ideal situation up by not doing anything? F*ck me. I f*cking hate this f*cking sh*t.

I hope I still can fix it.


Sh*t I'm starting to sound like a pathetic AFC again. I know I gotta get over it, yet it feels really good to share it on here.

F*CK!

 

[snowdog]

Ok, new day new chances. I flirted with every girl I came close to, and it all went great. Getting better at being charming and sh*t. Bla bla same old story..., I keep getting better at the prelude to the good sh*t. No problem anymore to talk to really hot chicks. I can even make them react shy to me and make them giggle. Awesome improvement over where I once was.

But I want to kiss close some chick for a change damnit.

 

[snowdog]

Yep, same old sh*t.

Funny thing is though, I'm feeling a lot more comfortable in my own skin. I walk with a swagger, and I just feel girls react to it. Today at work, pretty much all of the female customers I had went all giggly and flirty and sh*t. And I was just being what felt like myself.

I seem to radiate some sort of coolness or something, I can tell that from the reaction I get from people. I look different out of my eyes. I feel much different then before. When I walk, I walk straight up, like I just won the lottery. I'm embracing my sexual feelings towards the other sex, and I guess that's what's changed. I notice myself making jokes about sex and talking about hot chicks with my buddies a lot more. I used to get uncomfortable when doing that. Can you imagine that? A bunch of drunk guys talking about t*ts and ass and one of them feeling uncomfortable about it? So much has changed.

Yea sure I haven't got a lot of new physical contact yet, but the internal transformation so far is huge to me. The rest will be just the next step, which I will get to eventually. I want things too fast it seems. And although I keep repeating it, I changed so much since I've started this, but I still have got a way to go.


One thing that may seem weird to you guys.... If I wanted to, I probably already had gotten laid. This is no bragging, I'm far from a player or something; if I was, I wouldn't be here probably. But I've had a few moments when chicks almost threw themselves at me. I'm still a virgin, and as cliché as it sounds, I want the first time to be special. I don't want it to be some drunk f*ck with some sl*t I met at some sh*tty club and f*ck her in the bathroom or something. No, I want it to be something special, because I'll only be able to do it the first time once.


Sh*t.... I'm glad I had somewhere to put the above part. Self-improvement is something I can't do alone. It helps me so much to know that I can share what goes on in my head with other people... even if it's over the internet. Thanks to everyone who reads this and especially thanks to everyone who bothers to reply every now and then. You're the greatest, and I truly mean that


Feelin' positive, feelin' good

 

[snowdog]

Oh and by the way, this thread is exactly one year and one day old by now.

Happy birthday thread

 

[snowdog]

A little update.

I know this is not a standard blog, I never post sh*t of my personal life on here except for stuff about girls. No one cares about that bullsh*t anyway. But this is rather important to me, and it might leave you guys wondering in the future if I don't update for a while...



My dog. Our dog. The dog of me, my dear mother, father and sister. The old fella is almost thirteen by now, which is 91 in doggie years. He's been doing bad for a while now, but today it became clear to all of us that he doesn't have long anymore. He's feeling like sh*t, it's clear for anyone to see. He's the stereotype of the old, ill dog that looks really sad. We all love him so much, it would be selfish to not put an end to it at one point. I don't know when it'll happen, but it will be somewhere next week or the week after that at max probably.

He has been my best buddy for almost 13 years by now, my little brother. Every time when I came home, he'd come to greet me wagging his tail, extremely happy that he saw me again. Every time I had a bad day or anything I wanted to talk about, he was there for me. I'm litterally in tears while writing this. He's a part of the family, and I can't imagine the house and my daily life being without the little guy.


So yea, I have other stuff on my mind then girls right now. Sure, I'll get back on here eventually; life goes on eventually.


Eventually...

 

[ismael]

i know the feeling all to well

i know were ur coming from man...i recently lost my old friend to old age. i had him since i was 9, and wen he finally gave in it was 1 of the few times i remember crying. the worst part is actually watching him wallow in pain on the days leading up to it.
as per ur other post all i can say is that ive been there to (in that i wanted my first time to be special...u know passionate, long, text buck definition of what it should be)... and as such i passed up so many opportunities to get a quick lay.. to which some of my friends would bust on me for it (i later found out they were somewhat envious of the fact that women were throwing themselves and the like). then i met this one gurl whom was like my kriptonite and i couldn't help but getting onitis with that one. but i kept my cool, had fun (the innocent kind) with her and eventually i asked her if she wanted to go camping with a few of us. she said sure y not so long as i don't abandon her in the middle of noware.
long story short we ended up doing the dew.in my tent ....but the funny thing is i started out slowly, softly..u know taking all the time in the world...then something happened (not sure if it was the adrenalin..the testosterone..or if i was possessed) but at some point everything went out the window (by everything i mean all the notions of taking my time) and i started squeezing...liking and even biting her when i felt like doing it (i literally went :crazy: ... and it was fun). im still a friend of hers and every now and then she reminds me that i am the best lay of her life :crackup: which is funny when i think about the fact that she's my first.

in some ways u remind me of myself ...not quite me but almost there ...and tis a bit odd to me seeing as people tell me they literally broke the mold w. me...nonetheless a word of advice ...every woman is a different world and as such u cant go around treating them all the same some react differently to the same stimuli. go forth and have fun ....its what i did and still do and it has gotten me far.

......CHEERS

 

[SilverSonnet]

Ah man, I'm sorry to hear that. One of the disadvantages of getting a dog. I wanna dog. Just heartbreaking to see them die </3 *Pat on the shoulder*
Love to your dog, and to you man,
From Ben

 

[snowdog]

Update.

Still having a hard time to cope with the loss of my old buddy... but yea, life goes on.


As for the improvement, let me sum it up:

When it comes to flirting and creating sexual tension, I'm there, man. I radiate some sort of confidence that attracts women. They really notice me. Every conversation is somehow a little bit sexy. It's becoming a natural trait for me. Even normal things like paying for my groceries. The chick at the counter remembered me from three days ago that I didn't want cupons. We had that little spark there ya know, and I didn't do anything with it. I wasn't comfortable enough to ask a number or ask her out. That's the next step. I've improved a lot since the last serious update, and the funny thing is, is that it pretty much just happened. I didn't really paid attention to the whole stuff. Improvement goes in leaps for me it seems, not slowly but all of a sudden.

Anyway, there you have it. Positive news in a time of personal sadness I should say.


Now I'm going outside to enjoy the weather, ....and my homework...

 

[snowdog]

Same ol' story. I'm getting really flirty in a natural way with any girl really. It doesn't matter so much if she's that hot or not anymore, which is kinda weird and new to me. When I'm talking to a girl that's really hot, I actually find it easier to be really flirty, funny and sexual. It's becoming natural. Like it's always been inside me.


And now let me explain why I've lost it along the way.

When I was in high school I got depressed. Long story I won't bore you with. In short, I hated that school so much I couldn't handle it. The building was an old dust hole and I has severe asthma at that time so I missed a lot of classes. The teachers never gave a f*ck and punished me for not having done my homework after a week of absence. You get the picture. I sank deeper and deeper into depression. At 14, the doctor told me I wasn't allowed to go to school anymore because I was so f*cked up. I even took anti-depressants and sh*t. So I got taken off of school, a wise descision. When I think back of it, I might had even hurt myself eventually if I stayed there. From 14-17 or so, I lived in a social vaccuum. I didn't get out at all and just sat behind my computer playing video games. My friends from school all went to youth clubs and sh*t and took their first steps there in meeting girls. I didn't. I never even touched a girl until I was 19. I pretty much finished my high-school through home schooling, something I'm still proud of. I mean, it proves I got the dicipline and brains to achieve sh*t.

Basicly, I never had the chance to be a normal teenager. After all those lone years I was scared of girls. A year after I realized it was time to win back that was taken from me, I started this journal.


There you have it, another very personal snippet of my life :yes:

 

[snowdog]

I got a really f*cking great update for you fella's, but I currently don't have the time to write it. I will, tomorrow.

 

[snowdog]

Like I said yesterday, here is the update as promised.

Life’s been a little heavy for on lately. I still miss my dog like crazy. Got a job, learning for exams to enter my new education, and trying to deal with my chick problem. I’m seeing a therapist at the moment to deal with my sh*t from my high school. I still have a bit of unprocessed mind-f*ck from that era. It was a big step for me, but it feels like the right one. The things that are best for you are hard to do. I had to swallow my pride and open myself completely in front of a complete stranger. And I never could imagine it would feel this good. I feel this can help me feel complete again. Like the man I should be, the man I really am.

Enough of that, now on to the women.

Part 1
I went to a bar with my buddies last weekend. We were just chillin’ and I wasn’t particularly looking for chicks. Later on the evening I got pretty intoxicated and I got into a chat with a woman. I don’t know what started it or how I opened or sh*t like that… it just happened. I just started a casual conversation, not consciously looking for any intimate contact. I thought she was in her late twenties, she told me later she was thirty-eight. Did I mention I was drunk? She was hot though. It was a sweet conversation. We got talking and she told me I had beautiful eyes, a great body and was good looking. Like I always saw in movies, we were talking to each other with our faces really close. Like one of us was waiting for the other to make a move. She was all over me, touching me everywhere. I did the same, and it went automatically, it wasn’t weird or awkward like before. At one point, responding to all these flattering comments, I told her about my lack of success with the ladies. She told me I was a guy girls would die for. Because I was sweet, respected women and waited for the ‘right one’. I told her there was nothing I wanted to do more then to kiss her at that moment. She told me the same, but that it wouldn’t be right. Later in my sober state, I concluded she was kinda right about that. But still, at one point we kissed. It was a gentle sweet kiss on the lips.
It got me puzzled. When not doing all these don-juan things, without looking for intimacy I somehow got into this situation. Sure, I got a lot more naturally flirty in general and I guess that worked on her… This little situation proves for me that I’ve made some great progress so far.

Part 2
..in other news. The hot singer chick. Still chatting with her through the internet. She left the band she practiced with when I saw her every time so I won’t be seeing her, ever, in a normal situation. Different cities. So I thought “well f*ck it. Another one I missed by doing nothing, what can I lose? Can’t blame a guy for trying, although it’s a desperate measure right?”. And basically asked her out via that website. I know. Shut the f*ck up already. I know.

Part 3
And on the chick I met at that work party. We chat a little on the internet, and I noticed the initiative comes from her side most of the time. Pretty cool. I didn’t do much for that. Wondering how this will work out.


No regular updates, but big ones. Also good enough?

 

[john_JOHN]

huh,.,.,
That's funny man haha.,..,

 

[snowdog]

You're welcome, lol

 

[snowdog]

Yea, it seems like I screwed it up with that hot chick. God damn. And it isn't the first time. This time I waited too long, the other time around I was too agressive. **** me.

Well, everything is a learning process I should say. Gotta stay positive. Although it's hard to face that fact.

 

[snowdog]

...and that's another thing that really sucks. I just lost my dear grandfather last weekend....

 

[snowdog]

Not posted for a while. But, I'm back. Tried a little number close again this afternoon, didn't succeed. Oh well, at least I'm taking action again.

I had my phone getting repaired at a Nokia serice centre. The desk chick was pretty hot. When I got it back repaired, I just said out of the blue "Would you test the keyboard for me? Just enter your number". She just laughed and was like "yea right". Funny thing was she totally didn't see it coming haha. A bunch of dudes behind me in line at least found it funny.

Yea, I'm back again


Expect some more updates soon. My huntin liscense has been renewed.