My most shocking blowoff of all time

[Divorced w 3]

you need to be trying to get in her pants on day one. As a matter of fact you need to tell her out loud what you’re going to do to her while you’re on the date at some point. You need to be substantially more sexual. I also think she met someone who was likely doing what I said or at least alluded to it far better than you did.

 

[SW15]

Destroyed LTR can be a very serious baggage. I have two theories:

1st one: She is resentful, vindictive & hurt AF. Her best years were spent on guys that eventually did not want to have anything in common with her due to various reasons (probably she got played really hard at some point). Now she plays guys, have some fun with them on early dates, then go NC or ghost them because it empowers her to some extent, it helps her reclaiming her former state of mind, lost feeling of being attractive (most of older women eventually accept this loss, but she can't because she still has her dreams that were broken). She is in unhealthy place and wanted to use another guy as emotional tampon ("I don't really use dating apps" - yeah, right, because guys usually threw themselves on 37y old women on the streets). Your real chances were around 0% mate.

2nd one: similar a/a but take out vindictive part from the equation. You came too strong towards LTR path early and she wasn't ready for that. Even if you have not signalled LTR and went player path (which would probably result in sex) and then eventually tried to form some relationship with her, it would most probably blow up in your face (I have made this mistake with one woman in the past) as human ego always wants some form of rebalancing and ppl are usually hurting other ppl on emotional level because they were hurt themselves at some point (this allows them to find balance again - "I'm not a victim, I can hurt others too") - I find it to be true more often than not. If she is still mourning her former LTR and her feeling of satisfaction in the former LTRs, your chances were only for ONS or some poor STR with her that would end with her breaking with you as well.

How it looked like: probably great at the beginning. How it was really like: you never had chance for anything serious other than perhaps few quick lays in scenario 2 (she is having fun on CC but don't want to be perceived as a slut but you have misjudged her slut defence mechanism and took what she was saying for real ("oh poor wounded 37y old dove, here comes your knight!"). Considering all of the above, I wouldn't regret her ghosting you too much.

I think it is closer to Number 2 than Number 1.

She's 37 and was in the same relationship from ages 30-36.

What happened between ages 15-30? She didn't sit at home and do nothing for 15 years. No one has talked about that aspect in this situation yet. I'm sure she accumulated baggage prior to the 6 year relationship. From ages 15-30, she had some combination of short term sexual relationships that failed and at least 2-3 LTRs failing.

Truth is, when a woman gives you a lot of attention early on, it usually means you’re first in her long line of prospects or orbiters. When she steps back or withdraws, it typically means you’re no longer a priority. This shift can be triggered by something petty you did, another man taking the lead, or simply her choosing to focus on other areas of her life.

That said, the easiest explanation in these situations is usually that another man or a new priority has entered the picture. A close second is that the man started acting possessive, relationship-focused, or too feminine. However, if your looks, money, and status were attractive enough for her to stick around, that leaves one key variable: personality, which may have turned her off, or worse, bored her to death.

From reading your story again, without knowing your full intentions and by you saying you were not relationship focused, I can speculate three other possibilities:

1. You came across as ordinary or like an NPC. She knew too much about you too soon. There was no mystery. You were too consistent. There was nothing romantic, dangerous, bold, rogue, or poetic that separated you from the common man.

2. You assumed she had the same emotional lacks as you. For example, maybe you’re looking for comfort and security. But by giving her comfort and security, assuming she must want those too, you may have ended up smothering her or pushing her away.

3. On the outside, she wants to maintain a socially acceptable image. However, she is fresh out of a long relationship, possibly feeling repressed, and craving sexual freedom or excitement, but afraid to act on it. Deep down, maybe she didn’t see you as bold or transgressive enough to awaken her wilder side.

Again, we don’t know exactly what happened, but if your gut says she’s not looking for anything serious, trust that. Actions matter more than words. Maybe she doesn’t want a relationship with you at the moment.

I think it is some combination of 1 and 2 that you cited above. Too many guys come across as too ordinary. An ordinary NPC doesn't cut it in this era of high competition.

 

[JST8828]

I think it is closer to Number 2 than Number 1.

I still just find it incredible how nobody seems to beleive me on this thread as it relates to me coming off as to LTR focused. Aside of telling her that yes, I was indeed looking for something long term, that is really where it ended. I didn't talk about how I wanted to bring her flowers on a third date, or how I wanted her to meet my family and friends on the fourth, how I wanted to take a trip with her on the fifth, and so on. I gave her some affirmations, but even played it cool there, jokingly telling her a few times that she's "Doing good so far" and that there were "No red flags.... yet".

What happened between ages 15-30? She didn't sit at home and do nothing for 15 years. No one has talked about that aspect in this situation yet. I'm sure she accumulated baggage prior to the 6 year relationship. From ages 15-30, she had some combination of short term sexual relationships that failed and at least 2-3 LTRs failing.

You are absolutely right here, and based on ALL she's told me, including her vulnerable moment of saying how nice it was that I thought of one of her favorite museums for the second date and that pretty much all men she ever dated in the past never thought of things like that or treated her super well, etc, there is definitely some, possible serious, emotional damage there. That still begs the question, if she liked what I was doing so much to verbally say so, call me unprompted to say hello, and give me many other IOI's in between, what really happened? Well I still stand by my personal thoughts in that it either hit her that she's not ready to truly jump into something with anyone yet, whether that be bc of not being over her EX or just being too damaged to want to date. (Another poster made a good point about her saying she doesnt like using the dating apps bc its 'too much' wasn't actually an IOI but instead that she just simply doesn't like the idea of dating). The second possibility is there was one other guy in the picture who she happened to like more and didn't know how to handle blowing me off so she did it in a rather strange way.

 

[SW15]

I still just find it incredible how nobody seems to beleive me on this thread as it relates to me coming off as to LTR focused. Aside of telling her that yes, I was indeed looking for something long term, that is really where it ended. I didn't talk about how I wanted to bring her flowers on a third date, or how I wanted her to meet my family and friends on the fourth, how I wanted to take a trip with her on the fifth, and so on. I gave her some affirmations, but even played it cool there, jokingly telling her a few times that she's "Doing good so far" and that there were "No red flags.... yet".

Most men are beta males and are more LTR focused than short term focused. Most men give off an Early Frame Announcement (EFA) as long term focused.

There are even alpha and sigma males who have interest in long term relationships.

Your EFA was probably more long term focused than short term focused. The LTR oriented EFA was likely somewhat mild, but she didn't think of you as the hot guy for short term casual sex.

This is in "The Mature Man" section and 35+ men often have a difficult time giving off player/F boy vibes. The default vibes that a lot of men in the 35+ age range give off are more pair bonding, LTR type vibes.

Going to an art museum gives off boyfriend vibes in general. Players/F boys don't go to art museums with women.

She was evaluating you as a boyfriend option, not simply as an F Boy option. She didn't have the "good vibes" after 2 dates and a phone conversation after Date 2 about you as a potential boyfriend. She exited before sex and seriousness.

In a way, she did you a favor.

You are absolutely right here, and based on ALL she's told me, including her vulnerable moment of saying how nice it was that I thought of one of her favorite museums for the second date and that pretty much all men she ever dated in the past never thought of things like that or treated her super well, etc, there is definitely some, possible serious, emotional damage there.

It seems likely that there was. A 37 year old woman has been in the mating environment for 20+ years. 20+ years is long enough to accumulate some serious damage.

There was likely another guy in the picture because she was on a dating app.

She would have the emotional baggage of 20+ years of dating and 6 years of the latest LTR.

 

[BillyPilgrim]

I still just find it incredible how nobody seems to beleive me on this thread as it relates to me coming off as to LTR focused. Aside of telling her that yes, I was indeed looking for something long term, that is really where it ended. I didn't talk about how I wanted to bring her flowers on a third date, or how I wanted her to meet my family and friends on the fourth, how I wanted to take a trip with her on the fifth, and so on. I gave her some affirmations, but even played it cool there, jokingly telling her a few times that she's "Doing good so far" and that there were "No red flags.... yet".



You are absolutely right here, and based on ALL she's told me, including her vulnerable moment of saying how nice it was that I thought of one of her favorite museums for the second date and that pretty much all men she ever dated in the past never thought of things like that or treated her super well, etc, there is definitely some, possible serious, emotional damage there. That still begs the question, if she liked what I was doing so much to verbally say so, call me unprompted to say hello, and give me many other IOI's in between, what really happened? Well I still stand by my personal thoughts in that it either hit her that she's not ready to truly jump into something with anyone yet, whether that be bc of not being over her EX or just being too damaged to want to date. (Another poster made a good point about her saying she doesnt like using the dating apps bc its 'too much' wasn't actually an IOI but instead that she just simply doesn't like the idea of dating). The second possibility is there was one other guy in the picture who she happened to like more and didn't know how to handle blowing me off so she did it in a rather strange way.

So in other words you took her to a museum before the topic of sex even came up in conversation.

A museum is too sterile of an environment to take a prospect before physical sex in person

Dudes reading - don't do this.

After you bang a chick, it's ok.

 

[taiyuu_otoko]

but I just don’t understand how you can make that kind of claim.

Girls sometimes say things out of politeness that they don't really mean.

Likely, she was never really feeling it, and covered up her anxiety by being overlypolite.

I believe you completely misread this situation and she ghosted you.