My most shocking blowoff of all time

[JST8828]

She is 37 fyi. We went on two incredible dates as far as having a great time and connection that I rarely ever experience with women from online dating. Her story is that she dated some guy for over six years that she broke up with a little over a year ago. Said the relationship was probably over a good two years before they ended it. Took a year off to focus on herself, then only recently got back into the dating game. Completely and utterly over the ex she said. Never really loved him in retrospect, she says. On the first date I escalated with kino and then went in for a kiss. Kissed her goodnight as well. Was truly an amazing first date. Whats more amazing is she tells me I was the FIRST dude she kissed (she says) since her ex, which essentially means I'm only the second guy she's kissed in seven years. To summarize, this was NOT your average run of the mill modern day online dating chick who's been poisoned by all the endless dudes out there on these apps. She didn't have 20 other dudes texting her and didn't have several she was seeing. She even made it known to me a few times that I was only her third different guy in all of this.

Second date was even better. Took her to an art museum she mentioned that she liked. During the date she gets a bit "vulnerable" as she calls it and tells me how nice it is that I thought of this and that most men she's dated in the past didn't do things like that for her. More making out in the museum and outside. More connecting. More laughing. Hand holding and other kino to a significant degree. Her grabbing my arm. Was almost as if we were a couple already right there. Sure I know full well this is only a second date, but from someone like myself who's dated many, many different women over the years now, I could tell this was something. She was 100% into me. Asked me many things about myself, hinted at doing things in the future, etc. Asks me what i prefer being called as far as my full name or a nickname. Tells me she wants a relationship where she can grow with someone and do all sorts of fun things, etc. Just, everything that could tell me a chick is into me, this was it. She texts me saying she had a really nice time. I then text her the next day saying the same, she writes back positively, shares a picture of what she's doing at the moment. All was 100% well.

Then last Tuesday she CALLS me. Just to talk. Says she thought of me, hoped it was ok. I said sure, I like it. We had a nice convo and all was great. She even tells me how she hasn't been using the dating app much as she just doesn't like using it for a variety of reasons. I took this as another sign of her being into me, by her basically telling me that hey, there's no other guys in her world. I took the opportunity from this phone call to ask her out right there for what would be the upcoming Friday. She tells me she wants to do something I am into this time since I did that for her on our second date with the museum. Again, nothing but great signs with this girl. We decide on a favorite bar of mine in the city. However, she tells me she likely won't know if she's free this Friday night until tomorrow (Weds) but will let me know. I said no problem at all. The problem is Wednesday came and went and I didn't' hear from her. I didn't get nervous or think much of it at all tho, but when Thursday around 5pm came, i started wondering what was going on, especially since we were basically 24 hours out from this potential date. Since my time is valuable and I need to know whats going on, I threw her a quick nice friendly text asking if we were good for tomorrow and telling her that I'd be free to meet around 6pm. She responds about 45 minutes later writing simply the following: "Hey tomorrow is actually no good. I have some things I have to do for work and around the shop". (the shop she's referring to is a coffee shop she helps run aside from her main job). Right when I saw that text, instantly I knew something was up. Even if her excuse was legit, the fact that she didn't text me anything about it until prompted was extremely bizarre. Then add on the no counter offer, and I knew this was likely the end. I actually wrote back to her "I understand", and there was NOTHING after from her.

This all was one week ago today and I never heard from her again. This, without question for me, was the most shocking blowoff I've ever experienced in my dating life. I felt like this chick was GIFT wrapped for me. I visualized dating and courting her and seeing where it all went. Going on a third date felt like beyond a lock to me. The next thing I knew, I was essentially kicked to the curb, and possibly would have even been ghosted if I never reached back out to her about our potential Friday night date. You might wonder if I said something stupid on that phone call on that Tuesday when we discussed the Friday night plans. Absolutely not. It was a nice call. Casual. Anyone out there want to take a stab at what may have happened here??

 

[BaronOfHair]

Anyone out there want to take a stab at what may have happened here??

"She is 37... Her story is that she dated some guy for over six years(She was at least 30+ when they got together, yet remained coupled to this fella, WITHOUT getting hitched)that she broke up with a little over a year ago. Said the relationship was probably over a good two years before they ended it"

While it's sad that you're without a mate now, expecting this to not go sideways, given the circumstances, makes less sense than a 3rd World nation inviting The CIA to set up a station in their capital, then expecting the gents from Langley to leave their elections unmolested

 

[Smartone84]

she did give you a lot of IOI's, but when push came to shove she probably wasn't as ready for a relationship like she led you to believe. You were basically the first new guy she dated since her ex of 6 years(!) and she was likely blinded by the *idea* of a nice new relationship just like you were blinded by two very nice dates, when the reality is you didn't really know this woman at all.

She told you herself that she didn't like using dating apps. I don't think that had anything to do with her trying to make it seem like she's reserving herself for you. Its probably bc she's just not into the idea of dating much at all. Yes you came along and were a nice guy who treated her well, sure, but when it came time to begin really moving forward (i.e. 3-4 dates in), she got cold feet. Wasn’t into the idea of it all. Maybe still talking to the ex.

 

[Oatmeal31]

She is 37 fyi. We went on two incredible dates as far as having a great time and connection that I rarely ever experience with women from online dating. Her story is that she dated some guy for over six years that she broke up with a little over a year ago. Said the relationship was probably over a good two years before they ended it. Took a year off to focus on herself, then only recently got back into the dating game. Completely and utterly over the ex she said. Never really loved him in retrospect, she says. On the first date I escalated with kino and then went in for a kiss. Kissed her goodnight as well. Was truly an amazing first date. Whats more amazing is she tells me I was the FIRST dude she kissed (she says) since her ex, which essentially means I'm only the second guy she's kissed in seven years. To summarize, this was NOT your average run of the mill modern day online dating chick who's been poisoned by all the endless dudes out there on these apps. She didn't have 20 other dudes texting her and didn't have several she was seeing. She even made it known to me a few times that I was only her third different guy in all of this.

Second date was even better. Took her to an art museum she mentioned that she liked. During the date she gets a bit "vulnerable" as she calls it and tells me how nice it is that I thought of this and that most men she's dated in the past didn't do things like that for her. More making out in the museum and outside. More connecting. More laughing. Hand holding and other kino to a significant degree. Her grabbing my arm. Was almost as if we were a couple already right there. Sure I know full well this is only a second date, but from someone like myself who's dated many, many different women over the years now, I could tell this was something. She was 100% into me. Asked me many things about myself, hinted at doing things in the future, etc. Asks me what i prefer being called as far as my full name or a nickname. Tells me she wants a relationship where she can grow with someone and do all sorts of fun things, etc. Just, everything that could tell me a chick is into me, this was it. She texts me saying she had a really nice time. I then text her the next day saying the same, she writes back positively, shares a picture of what she's doing at the moment. All was 100% well.

Then last Tuesday she CALLS me. Just to talk. Says she thought of me, hoped it was ok. I said sure, I like it. We had a nice convo and all was great. She even tells me how she hasn't been using the dating app much as she just doesn't like using it for a variety of reasons. I took this as another sign of her being into me, by her basically telling me that hey, there's no other guys in her world. I took the opportunity from this phone call to ask her out right there for what would be the upcoming Friday. She tells me she wants to do something I am into this time since I did that for her on our second date with the museum. Again, nothing but great signs with this girl. We decide on a favorite bar of mine in the city. However, she tells me she likely won't know if she's free this Friday night until tomorrow (Weds) but will let me know. I said no problem at all. The problem is Wednesday came and went and I didn't' hear from her. I didn't get nervous or think much of it at all tho, but when Thursday around 5pm came, i started wondering what was going on, especially since we were basically 24 hours out from this potential date. Since my time is valuable and I need to know whats going on, I threw her a quick nice friendly text asking if we were good for tomorrow and telling her that I'd be free to meet around 6pm. She responds about 45 minutes later writing simply the following: "Hey tomorrow is actually no good. I have some things I have to do for work and around the shop". (the shop she's referring to is a coffee shop she helps run aside from her main job). Right when I saw that text, instantly I knew something was up. Even if her excuse was legit, the fact that she didn't text me anything about it until prompted was extremely bizarre. Then add on the no counter offer, and I knew this was likely the end. I actually wrote back to her "I understand", and there was NOTHING after from her.

This all was one week ago today and I never heard from her again. This, without question for me, was the most shocking blowoff I've ever experienced in my dating life. I felt like this chick was GIFT wrapped for me. I visualized dating and courting her and seeing where it all went. Going on a third date felt like beyond a lock to me. The next thing I knew, I was essentially kicked to the curb, and possibly would have even been ghosted if I never reached back out to her about our potential Friday night date. You might wonder if I said something stupid on that phone call on that Tuesday when we discussed the Friday night plans. Absolutely not. It was a nice call. Casual. Anyone out there want to take a stab at what may have happened here??

She told you a litany of white lies. She wasn't completely and utterly over her ex. Another bold lie.

Move on to someone else dude. Don't get hung up over this one

 

[JST8828]

She told you a litany of white lies. She wasn't completely and utterly over her ex. Another bold lie.

This is with no offense, but I just don’t understand how you can make that kind of claim.

 

[Oatmeal31]

This is with no offense, but I just don’t understand how you can make that kind of claim.

Experience. You can't take her word for it. Hell, look how it played out. If all that were true, you'd have gone out on that third date.

She's no longer interested

 

[JST8828]

Experience. You can't take her word for it. Hell, look how it played out. If all that were true, you'd have gone out on that third date.

She's no longer interested

Could just be a completely different guy in the picture

 

[Oatmeal31]

Could just be a completely different guy in the picture

Very likely

 

[Clockwerk50]

1. She played on your fantasies
She could either tell what kind of woman you were dreaming of, or maybe you projected it onto her, but you wanted someone different from all the others, and she, whether intentionally or not, gave you just enough to believe she was that.

That’s classic seduction, attraction, and desire: people pick up on what we’re missing and mirror it back, making it feel real, even if it isn’t…or maybe in this case, it was.

2. You came off too relationship-focused
You got too serious too fast; talking about the future, showing how invested you were, and that can feel like pressure early on.

Instead of keeping it playful and light, you made it about needing something from her, and that can turn people off quick. She likely felt the weight of your expectations before she even knew how she felt about you, which made backing away the safer option for her; maybe she felt suffocated.

 

[SW15]

Anyone out there want to take a stab at what may have happened here??

1. She has more baggage than you think she has. She is also not in a good place for a relationship right now.

The 6 year long relationship is still lingering. Read @Desdinova 's High Score Theory as it is applicable here.

High Score Theory

Ever notice how women can just write off a guy and treat him like he was only a tiny blip on her radar? Well that's because he was. The more sexually experienced a woman becomes, the more accustomed she is to just throwing guys away. Every new guy she dates seems to earn mediocre to low interest...

www.sosuave.net

2. She realized after 2 relationship-oriented but sexless dates that her interest level in you wasn't that high. She is not confrontational about it.

I agree with @Clockwerk50 's Point 2 especially, though Point 1 is applicable.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

Never assume what you are told is what the truth actually is.

Maybe she was tired of the convo and was green lighting you to do more than just talk with her and you were oblivious to it.

 

[Oatmeal31]

Unfortunately, this is what we have to deal with. Women are players too. You can do most things right but women have wacky brains and look for faults and cracks in the most minute sh!t. And this is exactly why you keep asking other women out and cast a wide net. It'll minimize disappointment and keep you from becoming overinvested. You're probably wondering what you did wrong and why she switched up. You can't read minds..only guess. I think her ex is still in the picture and I wasn't there for the date but it sounded like she was giving a buncha green lights. If she wants to be immature, then on to the next

We always have things to improve but don't let it get to your head. I promise you'll learn from this and laugh in hindsight if you just cast a wide net

 

[JST8828]

2. You came off too relationship-focused
You got too serious too fast; talking about the future, showing how invested you were, and that can feel like pressure early on.

2. She realized after 2 relationship-oriented but sexless dates that her interest level in you wasn't that high. She is not confrontational about it.

There is not much else I can respond to this with other than saying it is just completely untrue. I feel like there's this narrative in the community where no matter what, the guy has to be to blame on some level and I can tell you from experience that is not true. Not unless you want to say I'm to blame for not making 200k a year and driving around in an Benz, of course. Lord knows I've been nexted before because of things like that.

I went on these two dates with a completely casual mindset. Did I tell her that ultimately I'm looking for something long term? Sure. But did I drool over the woman and tell her my plans for a wedding day, kids and every little thing in between? Absolutely not. If anything, SHE was the one talking more about relationships and what she wants and what she desires in a man, etc etc.

And to recap just once more- She. Called. Me. Called me to simply say hello, as she made it known. Based on every logical, reasonable and common sense thought with regard to dating, that is a huge 100% indicator of interest in me. The call went well. We discussed a date for Friday night. I tried to make it definite but she said she'd likely let me know tomorrow as it was possible she may have had something going on with her friend. That was on a Tuesday night around 8pm. Under 48 hours later on Thursday at 5pm I received my cold response which ultimately was a soft rejection and blowoff. When looking at it all from this clear angle, there is just no way in hell that it had anything to do with me. If she's calling me after our two dates to talk and BS, she's into me. Not trying to avoid me due to feeling "pressure early on" and not bc she had an interest level that "wasn't that high". Just common sense.

The most logical explanation imo is that she simply wasn't ready to jump into any kind of relationship. For what its worth things did feel like they were moving fast even after only two dates. We're both in our late 30's after all. I was pretty much her first date since the split from an ex of six years that she claim was over a year ago. For all we know it could have been five months ago. When push came to shove to go out again, now a third week in a row, she felt something was off. I've been there myself. Blinded by the idea of a new hot connection with a chick when really you're in no way over your ex.

 

[SW15]

Then last Tuesday she CALLS me. Just to talk.

That's impressive that you were able to get a 37 year old woman to talk on the phone. Women under their mid-40s today are not very inclined to use the telephone for voice conversations. Something happened in that conversation though because that's where it went to crap.

I went on these two dates

Why no sex on either date?

The most logical explanation imo is that she simply wasn't ready to jump into any kind of relationship. For what its worth things did feel like they were moving fast even after only two dates.

How were things moving fast? There was no sex.

Maybe things were moving emotionally too fast without the physical element.

We're both in our late 30's after all.

Why is this relevant? There should be fewer games and drama with a late 30s woman.

 

[JST8828]

Something happened in that conversation though because that's where it went to crap.

The only thing that could have been considered even remotely "wrong" for me to get into was that I had a bit of a rough day at work. She asked what happened and I told her. Just said there was a lot to do. Other than that there was nothing noteworthy about the convo other than basic chit chat, a lot of sarcasm and some laughs. I don't think it was a convo that lit the world on fire but I also by NO means think it was something that would have made this woman, who from the very start I would describe as being extremely genuine and pure, decide to say well, thats it, I'm done.

Why no sex on either date?

Many guys think sex has to happen by the second date. I just don't feel that way as long as there is still progression happening. Its great if it does happen before lets say date 3 or 4, but typically I find myself in bed with women by that time.

 

[BillyPilgrim]

Unfortunately, this is what we have to deal with. Women are players too. You can do most things right but women have wacky brains and look for faults and cracks in the most minute sh!t. And this is exactly why you keep asking other women out and cast a wide net. It'll minimize disappointment and keep you from becoming overinvested. You're probably wondering what you did wrong and why she switched up. You can't read minds..only guess. I think her ex is still in the picture and I wasn't there for the date but it sounded like she was giving a buncha green lights. If she wants to be immature, then on to the next

We always have things to improve but don't let it get to your head. I promise you'll learn from this and laugh in hindsight if you just cast a wide net

Lots of sex-avoidant Catholic girls in Jersey, even if the girl in the OP wasn't her local culture is dominated by them.

 

[Barrister]

OP,

Frankly, there’s nothing that extraordinary about this story. Chicks do this kind sh1t all the time in early stage dating. They’re all hot saying how you are so different from every man she has ever known and then an hour later they ghost you.

I wouldn’t even attempt to analyze what happened. It could be a million different hypothetical things. Maybe the ex she swore up and down she was over (ha right) messaged her. Maybe she got diarrhea. Who knows. Stop worrying about her because you really didn’t have anything with this chick. Until you bang her you mean nothing. For some the bang still doesn’t mean anything.

On to the next, brother.

 

[SW15]

sex-avoidant Catholic girls in Jersey....her local culture is dominated by them.

The numbers of practicing Catholic females between 18-40 have been diminishing in the past 25 years. Millennials and the adult portion of Gen Z are not known for practicing various Christian faiths.

Many guys think sex has to happen by the second date. I just don't feel that way as long as there is still progression happening. Its great if it does happen before lets say date 3 or 4, but typically I find myself in bed with women by that time.

Many men think first date or second date sex is important.

There's an argument now that women are more prone to flaking and 1st/2nd date sex can lock them in sooner and prevent flaking.

It's difficult to say if there is a right time for sex but I get sex within 3 dates.

The only thing that could have been considered even remotely "wrong" for me to get into was that I had a bit of a rough day at work. She asked what happened and I told her. Just said there was a lot to do. Other than that there was nothing noteworthy about the convo other than basic chit chat, a lot of sarcasm and some laughs. I don't think it was a convo that lit the world on fire but I also by NO means think it was something that would have made this woman, who from the very start I would describe as being extremely genuine and pure, decide to say well, thats it, I'm done.

Men can get dropped for showing emotional vulnerability. That's a little bit far fetched in this situation. Her interest in you wasn't enough to offset her feelings about her ex. See High Score Theory post.

Stop worrying about her because you really didn’t have anything with this chick. Until you bang her you mean nothing. For some the bang still doesn’t mean anything.

He didn't have sex with her. 2 sexless dates and no extended relationship is forgettable. There's an argument that it was probably good she flaked before the sex because it seems likely she would have flaked soon after the sex. She doesn't seem like she would have been a good candidate for longer term sex. If @JST8828 cares about longer term committed sex, then this woman would have been a poor choice for that.

 

[justaroundthecorner]

Destroyed LTR can be a very serious baggage. I have two theories:

1st one: She is resentful, vindictive & hurt AF. Her best years were spent on guys that eventually did not want to have anything in common with her due to various reasons (probably she got played really hard at some point). Now she plays guys, have some fun with them on early dates, then go NC or ghost them because it empowers her to some extent, it helps her reclaiming her former state of mind, lost feeling of being attractive (most of older women eventually accept this loss, but she can't because she still has her dreams that were broken). She is in unhealthy place and wanted to use another guy as emotional tampon ("I don't really use dating apps" - yeah, right, because guys usually threw themselves on 37y old women on the streets). Your real chances were around 0% mate.

2nd one: similar a/a but take out vindictive part from the equation. You came too strong towards LTR path early and she wasn't ready for that. Even if you have not signalled LTR and went player path (which would probably result in sex) and then eventually tried to form some relationship with her, it would most probably blow up in your face (I have made this mistake with one woman in the past) as human ego always wants some form of rebalancing and ppl are usually hurting other ppl on emotional level because they were hurt themselves at some point (this allows them to find balance again - "I'm not a victim, I can hurt others too") - I find it to be true more often than not. If she is still mourning her former LTR and her feeling of satisfaction in the former LTRs, your chances were only for ONS or some poor STR with her that would end with her breaking with you as well.

How it looked like: probably great at the beginning. How it was really like: you never had chance for anything serious other than perhaps few quick lays in scenario 2 (she is having fun on CC but don't want to be perceived as a slut but you have misjudged her slut defence mechanism and took what she was saying for real ("oh poor wounded 37y old dove, here comes your knight!"). Considering all of the above, I wouldn't regret her ghosting you too much.

Remember, If something goes really easy at the beginning with female with baggage - it's often a red flag too.

 

[Clockwerk50]

There is not much else I can respond to this with other than saying it is just completely untrue. I feel like there's this narrative in the community where no matter what, the guy has to be to blame on some level and I can tell you from experience that is not true. Not unless you want to say I'm to blame for not making 200k a year and driving around in an Benz, of course. Lord knows I've been nexted before because of things like that.

I went on these two dates with a completely casual mindset. Did I tell her that ultimately I'm looking for something long term? Sure. But did I drool over the woman and tell her my plans for a wedding day, kids and every little thing in between? Absolutely not. If anything, SHE was the one talking more about relationships and what she wants and what she desires in a man, etc etc.

And to recap just once more- She. Called. Me. Called me to simply say hello, as she made it known. Based on every logical, reasonable and common sense thought with regard to dating, that is a huge 100% indicator of interest in me. The call went well. We discussed a date for Friday night. I tried to make it definite but she said she'd likely let me know tomorrow as it was possible she may have had something going on with her friend. That was on a Tuesday night around 8pm. Under 48 hours later on Thursday at 5pm I received my cold response which ultimately was a soft rejection and blowoff. When looking at it all from this clear angle, there is just no way in hell that it had anything to do with me. If she's calling me after our two dates to talk and BS, she's into me. Not trying to avoid me due to feeling "pressure early on" and not bc she had an interest level that "wasn't that high". Just common sense.

The most logical explanation imo is that she simply wasn't ready to jump into any kind of relationship. For what its worth things did feel like they were moving fast even after only two dates. We're both in our late 30's after all. I was pretty much her first date since the split from an ex of six years that she claim was over a year ago. For all we know it could have been five months ago. When push came to shove to go out again, now a third week in a row, she felt something was off. I've been there myself. Blinded by the idea of a new hot connection with a chick when really you're in no way over your ex.

Truth is, when a woman gives you a lot of attention early on, it usually means you’re first in her long line of prospects or orbiters. When she steps back or withdraws, it typically means you’re no longer a priority. This shift can be triggered by something petty you did, another man taking the lead, or simply her choosing to focus on other areas of her life.

That said, the easiest explanation in these situations is usually that another man or a new priority has entered the picture. A close second is that the man started acting possessive, relationship-focused, or too feminine. However, if your looks, money, and status were attractive enough for her to stick around, that leaves one key variable: personality, which may have turned her off, or worse, bored her to death.

From reading your story again, without knowing your full intentions and by you saying you were not relationship focused, I can speculate three other possibilities:

1. You came across as ordinary or like an NPC. She knew too much about you too soon. There was no mystery. You were too consistent. There was nothing romantic, dangerous, bold, rogue, or poetic that separated you from the common man.

2. You assumed she had the same emotional lacks as you. For example, maybe you’re looking for comfort and security. But by giving her comfort and security, assuming she must want those too, you may have ended up smothering her or pushing her away.

3. On the outside, she wants to maintain a socially acceptable image. However, she is fresh out of a long relationship, possibly feeling repressed, and craving sexual freedom or excitement, but afraid to act on it. Deep down, maybe she didn’t see you as bold or transgressive enough to awaken her wilder side.

Again, we don’t know exactly what happened, but if your gut says she’s not looking for anything serious, trust that. Actions matter more than words. Maybe she doesn’t want a relationship with you at the moment.

If I were you, I’d shoot her a casual text, ask how she’s been, but don’t ask her out. Let her take that step. And always keep talking to other women. That changes everything to get this one off a pedestal.